Wife left my girls and me for a coworker - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 09:28 AM Thread Starter
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I know it hurts. I left a serial cheater, too. It took me far to long to admit what was going on, and yes, he maintained- once confronted-that I was the cause. Rubbish. Not being a perfect spouse means that you are a human being, but never does it justify cheating.
Good luck with the attorney tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.
Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner. I know some people may not believe it but I was raised old fashion and I'm a one woman type of guy, I never cheated on her and only had eyes for her, I seriously thought we would be together forever I guess I was foolish to think like that. The hardest part for me is just falling asleep and waking up so lonely. I remember before leaving for work to not wake her up I would give her a light kiss on her forehead and she would smile..now it makes me think who she was thinking about, hmmm I guess I'm an old school romantic fool. I hope I get over this soon I'm trying to use all these thoughts to train my mind to see all those times she was playing me.

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post #107 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

It is very difficult to get over a cheating wife. It tears your mind up in so many ways. Makes one doubt themselves, doubt love, doubt people, doubt your faith, doubt everything.

But, you will make it through it. You are not perfect, but you didn't cause your wife to cheat. She chose all that. I think you should force yourself to start a project to get your mind off this.
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post #108 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 10:17 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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I think it is nice he never remarried. It shows his commitment to his children. I am sure his devotion made you feel valued and helped with remaining grounded after the unfortunate loss of your mother.
Looks like it may have had a role in his codependence.
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post #109 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 10:20 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner. I know some people may not believe it but I was raised old fashion and I'm a one woman type of guy, I never cheated on her and only had eyes for her, I seriously thought we would be together forever I guess I was foolish to think like that. The hardest part for me is just falling asleep and waking up so lonely. I remember before leaving for work to not wake her up I would give her a light kiss on her forehead and she would smile..now it makes me think who she was thinking about, hmmm I guess I'm an old school romantic fool. I hope I get over this soon I'm trying to use all these thoughts to train my mind to see all those times she was playing me.
To see through other people, you must first realistically see yourself.

That takes work - reading, therapy, posting, etc.

I keep reading how you wanted your relationship to be like a movie. They rarely turn out that way. Maintaining attraction involves charting your own course - not surrendering your life because a disordered person doesn't want you to shine "too much".
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post #110 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 10:21 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
Looks like it may have had a role in his codependence.
I think it has a role in his devotion to his children.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #111 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 10:56 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner.
This couldn't be more wrongheaded.

Take note of those "faults". Realize you have your own. If you love them IN SPITE of those faults, then you've got something.

If you're constantly under the gun to say and do things you're not ok with doing, it's a combustible formula doomed for failure.

Nobody admires a phony - not even a disordered person.
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post #112 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner. I know some people may not believe it but I was raised old fashion and I'm a one woman type of guy, I never cheated on her and only had eyes for her, I seriously thought we would be together forever I guess I was foolish to think like that. The hardest part for me is just falling asleep and waking up so lonely. I remember before leaving for work to not wake her up I would give her a light kiss on her forehead and she would smile..now it makes me think who she was thinking about, hmmm I guess I'm an old school romantic fool. I hope I get over this soon I'm trying to use all these thoughts to train my mind to see all those times she was playing me.
To see through other people, you must first realistically see yourself.

That takes work - reading, therapy, posting, etc.

I keep reading how you wanted your relationship to be like a movie. They rarely turn out that way. Maintaining attraction involves charting your own course - not surrendering your life because a disordered person doesn't want you to shine "too much".
I see your point of view. Makes a lot of sense, I have seen marriages work my father and mothers for one and others I've seen ,so.I know there not impossible, its just takes the right minded people , that work hard towards there relationship and support each other and don't play their mind games with the other partner . I just hope one day I find the right women
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post #113 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 11:13 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner.
Look at this another way: When you truly love someone, you see their faults. You know who they are, what are their strengths and weaknesses. I don't believe in blind love (at least not anymore) I can forgive all kinds of faults and weaknesses in a relationship, but I have to know what those faults and weaknesses actually are, and make the decision to forgive them.

And didn't you say you were 31? Old? puleeze! I have decades on you! Your life is far from over.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #114 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Looks like it may have had a role in his codependence.
I think it has a role in his devotion to his children.
You hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel, I feel like I have failed my daughter's even though the oldest one tells me not to worry that were a team and she's happy all she says is she wants me to not be sad and just keep having fun like we always do. Its just the little 4 yr old that worry's me ,even though she doesn't really cry for her mother. I just hate seeing our family apart and going through this.
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post #115 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 05:52 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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I see your point of view. Makes a lot of sense, I have seen marriages work my father and mothers for one and others I've seen ,so.I know there not impossible, its just takes the right minded people , that work hard towards there relationship and support each other and don't play their mind games with the other partner . I just hope one day I find the right women
There's a great book called Getting The Love You Want; its first half talks about why you pick the mate you pick. So you don't make the same mistake twice.

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post #116 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 07:02 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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I see your point of view. Makes a lot of sense, I have seen marriages work my father and mothers for one and others I've seen ,so.I know there not impossible, its just takes the right minded people , that work hard towards there relationship and support each other and don't play their mind games with the other partner . I just hope one day I find the right women
That is the thing, there is no passing grade with a marriage. Despite what many on here protest, you cannot do so well at marriage that you can make it work.

I can look back on my marriage and see errors, but mainly I can now see errors I made in previous relationships. I look back on my own marriage and see that circumstances brought her issues to the surface and I could not have done much better (even leaving reasonably financially intact was not easy). I see people in marriages where they make huge big mistakes over and over again, but they stay reasonably contentedly married as the person they are with has their back and cares for them.

All marriages will have some issues and all marriage partners will have some flaws. Being in a successful marriage is not that impressive, many crap people manage it. Being in a failed marriage is no shame, many of the people I most admire are divorced.

Pretty much no-one will come on TAM and be told they are doing everything right. For all the things that are being called out on here, you have as much right to be proud of the good things you did in your marriage as anyone else.
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post #117 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 07:30 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Look at this another way: When you truly love someone, you see their faults. You know who they are, what are their strengths and weaknesses. I don't believe in blind love (at least not anymore) I can forgive all kinds of faults and weaknesses in a relationship, but I have to know what those faults and weaknesses actually are, and make the decision to forgive them.

And didn't you say you were 31? Old? puleeze! I have decades on you! Your life is far from over.
31?

Basically still a baby. Plenty of time and chances to get it right.

Sadly, it's often the person who cares the least in a relationship who has the power, as the other person wants to keep the relationship together "more" than they.

Broken and disordered people abuse that power - well beyond the normal boundary-pushing one might expect.
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post #118 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 08:01 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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I'm really sorry to hear about your mother I know how hard it must be to not be able to see her and talk to her Im sure you miss her terribly. She is definitely in a better place ,just take comfort in knowing that you guys will be united again one day. I still hurts not having my mother ,I remember growing up in school was hard for me specially on mothers day when everyone was celebrating and I had no one.coming home from school was also pretty sad as I had no one to talk to or share stories about how my day went. My father was working and would be home late, he did he's best providing for me.
So a little bit more about myself I'm a kid at heart there's nothing that I enjoy more than just getting lost in the moment with my girls whether its watching cartoons with them( which I love to do) or just going out in the backyard and playing, showing them to just let there imagination run wild. I myself get lost in those moments. My daughter sometimes ask me and it makes me smile " daddy how do you have such a big imagination and are so fun". One thing that I look forward to is school field trips my daughter says everytime there's a trip and ask for volunteers her friends always say pick her dad her dad is fun! I received the best volunteer award by the principal this year!
Needless to say that you know who killed it for me by saying all those times I went I never got anything and all you care about is you girls and not me.I don't even find what you do is funny, huh I guess i t got to a point that I learned to block her comments out or just got use to the pain. I just love kids, I find it that there truthful and easy to get along with. I just always dreamed about having a big family, always wanted 4/5 kids and just always looked forward to those Christmas holidays with the family together..
Yes, we will NEVER stop missing our parents...I especially miss mom.

Congratulations on the award! Believe me, it's a competitive award. Lots of great parents out there. In my school, we always have a hard time giving it to just one parent.

You are enjoying your girls, wait til time passes, that is when you are going to get your 5 kids! Your grand babies! Your family will double then for sure!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #119 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-07-2016, 11:09 AM Thread Starter
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So today is the big day I'm going to see my attorney in a couple hours and file. I don't know why but I woke up today feeling so depressed and somewhat scared, having a couple anxiety attacks. I feel like my world is coming down on me. I feel like I'm not gonna make it through the day, for some reason I can't stop crying, I feel like a failure
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post #120 of 437 (permalink) Old 06-07-2016, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
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To top it off today is the day my stbxw comes to see the girls , every time I see her I feel worse, especially since she acts like nothing wrong
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