He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 11:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@Uptown. I don't know if he's a full blown narcissist but he definitely is to some degree. He says he cares for me and will always love me but isn't in love with me.

He has been messaging my close friends for years, asking them relationship advice (which is fine, no harm there) but he has also asked them if he can send them photos of his penis to see if they think it is good enough and has asked them for photos in return. They had all refused and never said anything to me, especially after we married because they all thought everything was ok. Then I guess it had all started up again so they all started ignoring him. I found out that five more girls had been affected by this behavior as well, during our college years, which was not all that long ago. They never said anything to me because they didn't want to hurt me and all of them ceased contact with him.

He's lost almost everyone, including friends. His dad is unbelievably disappointed in him and his mom barely speaks to him. His sister is about all he has right now as far as I can tell because she is spun of the same tainted cloth as he is. She's a real piece of work I tell ya, but I'm not even gonna get into that mess.

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post #17 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Maybe he's telling his family what he thinks they want to hear. Maybe he wants you to file because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy. Who knows what he's thinking. But he's obviously not interested in working on your marriage now. Will he some day decide to work on it? Maybe. But who knows when or if that will ever happen. Meanwhile your life is on hold.

You have two choices: live in limbo (never a good place to be) or take charge of your life and move on.
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post #18 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 11:17 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

You realize he's probably still cheating, right? And now he can justify it by saying you're separated. Stop having sex with him because who knows who he's having sex with and what you may be exposing yourself to.
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post #19 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 11:30 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Another thing -- he was obviously grooming your friends by asking for relationship advice which then led to asking if he could send penis pictures to see if it was good enough. Like he has any doubt it is. Shaking my head. All of that was obviously so he could advance to the next level with them. It would have been helpful had they told you then and maybe you wouldn't have married him but they didn't so all you can do is fix the situation that exists now.
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post #20 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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@Uptown. I don't know if he's a full blown narcissist but he definitely is to some degree. He says he cares for me and will always love me but isn't in love with me.

He has been messaging my close friends for years, asking them relationship advice (which is fine, no harm there) but he has also asked them if he can send them photos of his penis to see if they think it is good enough and has asked them for photos in return. They had all refused and never said anything to me, especially after we married because they all thought everything was ok. Then I guess it had all started up again so they all started ignoring him. I found out that five more girls had been affected by this behavior as well, during our college years, which was not all that long ago. They never said anything to me because they didn't want to hurt me and all of them ceased contact with him.

He's lost almost everyone, including friends. His dad is unbelievably disappointed in him and his mom barely speaks to him. His sister is about all he has right now as far as I can tell because she is spun of the same tainted cloth as he is. She's a real piece of work I tell ya, but I'm not even gonna get into that mess.
You really need to work on yourself and quit being so co-dependent, it's not healthy in the least. I know, I was there and it took me many months to overcome it.

You've been in denial for long enough, why do you wish to continue down this lonely road? It's time to pick yourself up, dust off and get your life going in the right direction.

Read what you just wrote, do you really want him back? I mean seriously? That is a huge level of disrespect that he's been dealing out to you for a long time, like your whole life together.

This is a blessing in disguise, see it for what it really is, be in control.

Get out of this sad state you've found yourself in and go live life, you owe it to yourself. Go meet new people, take up some hobbies, have some fun!
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post #21 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 11:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I'm not financially stable. There's not much I can do right now except stay where I am. I am working yes, but it's for less than minimum wage. I make enough to pay my student loans and car payment.

I have hobbies but can't get into them like I used to. I'm bored with them. I love to travel but I don't have the means to do that right now.

@Openminded, no I don't want to stay in limbo, I've been there long enough. I'm the only one trying. He calls our daughter once a day (most times) and talks to her for just a few minutes. I listen to the conversations, and its the same thing over and over. It always ends with I love you so much, etc. She is 7. She has told him a few times she wants our family back together and that she wants me and him to work it out. All he says to her is I know, that's it. And that's his go to answer for everything.

Yes I do realize he could still be cheating but I don't think he is. I don't have that sick feeling in my gut like I did the firs time. But I could very well be wrong. God, I've thought of doing the the same thing just to get back at him but I couldn't live with the guilt. I'm terribly lonely, he's been by my side for 12 years and then one day he was just gone. It's worse than death.....

I'm told I should file for divorce and then I'm told no let him he wants this. I have no way of paying for a lawyer at this point, so unless he files I'm still stuck.
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post #22 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 12:14 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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He has also asked them if he can send them photos of his penis to see if they think it is good enough and has asked them for photos in return.... I found out that five more girls had been affected by this behavior as well, during our college years, which was not all that long ago.
Fallen, yes, I agree that you are now describing symptoms for narcissism. I caution that NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) traits are not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, these symptoms constitute a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all NPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits NPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the NPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong NPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

Strictly speaking, the attention seeking and provocative behaviors you describe are warning signs for Histrionic PD. Like NPD, HPD is one of the four personality disorders referred to as the "Cluster B" disorders. (These four disorders -- also called the "Dramatic PDs -- include BPD and ASPD as well.) Since 2012, I've been thinking of HPD as a subcategory of NPD. The American Psychiatric Community still seems to be on a path to eliminate HPD as a separate category and to include it as an exhibitionistic attention-seeking subtype of NPD.

This consolidation would allow what they call the current 'grandiose male-dominated' NPD to be supplemented by a more female-dominated attention-seeking subtype, described by a behavior pattern of (1) explicit attention-seeking; (2) outer-directedness; (3) self-dramatization; (4) dependency on others' attention; (5) presentation of self through sexualized means; and (6) easily emotionally triggered. Although HPD primarily overlaps with NPD, to a lesser extent it also overlaps with BPD. For more explanation, see Charles Pull's discussion at MedScape.
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post #23 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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I'm not financially stable. There's not much I can do right now except stay where I am. I am working yes, but it's for less than minimum wage. I make enough to pay my student loans and car payment.

I have hobbies but can't get into them like I used to. I'm bored with them. I love to travel but I don't have the means to do that right now.

@Openminded, no I don't want to stay in limbo, I've been there long enough. I'm the only one trying. He calls our daughter once a day (most times) and talks to her for just a few minutes. I listen to the conversations, and its the same thing over and over. It always ends with I love you so much, etc. She is 7. She has told him a few times she wants our family back together and that she wants me and him to work it out. All he says to her is I know, that's it. And that's his go to answer for everything.

Yes I do realize he could still be cheating but I don't think he is. I don't have that sick feeling in my gut like I did the firs time. But I could very well be wrong. God, I've thought of doing the the same thing just to get back at him but I couldn't live with the guilt. I'm terribly lonely, he's been by my side for 12 years and then one day he was just gone. It's worse than death.....

I'm told I should file for divorce and then I'm told no let him he wants this. I have no way of paying for a lawyer at this point, so unless he files I'm still stuck.
In your original thread, that has since been deleted, you painted a different picture than what's contained in the information you now share. Unfortunately, you never really knew him, you had blinders on.

You are absolutely right on, with that ugly feeling of betrayal, it's the worst. But why not take advantage of it, let the old you die, and be reborn, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. It's only sad and gloomy if you let it, take control and become the best you, live life to it's fullest.

As Chuck Swindoll says, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react." So fix your attitude, stop wasting time, look into getting a better job, starting a career. The opportunities are there waiting for you, you just have to pull yourself up and go find them. Get involved locally, meet new people, start new hobbies, read some self help books and just as important, fix your man picker. It's a tough pill to swallow knowing that he wasn't at all who you thought he was, I went through the same thing with my STBXW.

It'll get better, just keep swimming!
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post #24 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 11:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I shared some of this information ya'll have shared with my MIL. She doesn't think the NPD fits him but I do and I have for a while. That being said, she still agrees wholeheartedly with me that he needs professional help and has ****ed everything up. I was no angle when our marriage first started, I had many problems. Hormonal imbalance, PPD, thyroid malfunction, etc. It took a toll on me and him and he hasn't been able to forgive me for it, even though they were all medically treatable once I got to the right doctor and mindset.

It's funny how I can forgive him for years of sneaking behind my back talking to friends in ways he shouldn't have been and having an affair but he continually brings up my past mistakes.....meh.
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post #25 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 11:11 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Do you mean postpartum depression or Paranoid Personality Disorder?

It looks like you are getting into the anger stage. Try to use that to channel your progress forward. You need that anger to stop crying and wanting this man as he is right now.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #26 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 01:21 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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I shared some of this information ya'll have shared with my MIL. She doesn't think the NPD fits him but I do and I have for a while. That being said, she still agrees wholeheartedly with me that he needs professional help and has ****ed everything up. I was no angle when our marriage first started, I had many problems. Hormonal imbalance, PPD, thyroid malfunction, etc. It took a toll on me and him and he hasn't been able to forgive me for it, even though they were all medically treatable once I got to the right doctor and mindset.

It's funny how I can forgive him for years of sneaking behind my back talking to friends in ways he shouldn't have been and having an affair but he continually brings up my past mistakes.....meh.
At this point, the WHY of his behavior is irrelevant. The facts are that he doesn't love you, respect you, or wish to be with you, and has done the ultimate betrayal of choosing other women over you. Time to take your dignity and your life back, and file. You do your child no favors staying married to a man like this. I understand you are struggling financially, but you can do this. (I have been there, done that) NO MAN is worth this.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #27 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 01:30 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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At this point, the WHY of his behavior is irrelevant. The facts are that he doesn't love you, respect you, or wish to be with you, and has done the ultimate betrayal of choosing other women over you. Time to take your dignity and your life back, and file. You do your child no favors staying married to a man like this. I understand you are struggling financially, but you can do this. (I have been there, done that) NO MAN is worth this.
Or no woman, for that matter, lol.
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post #28 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 02:05 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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Or no woman, for that matter, lol.
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So true!!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #29 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 03:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@Bibi1031, I meant Post partum depression. And yes I am very angry. I'm also bitter. During lunch my daughter drew a picture in her fathers day card to him. When she was done and showed me I teared up. It was a drawing of the three of us and she said "It's our family".

@3Xnocharm, I know the why is irrelevant. No, I can't believe he doesn't love me. But it's not the same love it used to be. Do I believe he doesn't respect me or want to be with me, yes I do and that stings, but it is what it is. It's just a very hard pill to swallow, and it's even harder for me to try and explain it all to my daughter. I grew up without a father. My dad died when I was 10 and my mom never remarried. I feel like the garbage that gets tossed out every night, that my daughter and I have just been thrown away.
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post #30 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 04:14 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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I feel like the garbage that gets tossed out every night, that my daughter and I have just been thrown away.
I am all too familiar with that feeling. My ex husband tossed me and my teenage daughter out of his house and moved his ex wife back in less than two weeks later. Talk about gut wrenching and life altering....If I can get through it, so can you. I know it feels like you cant, but you can, and you will.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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