He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 04:31 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

1) Stop letting your daughter determine what you do with YOUR life. OF COURSE she wants you with her daddy. but her daddy is a sicko who sends other women pictures of his penis for chrissakes!!!
2) Stop acting like splitting up with him is the end of the world. IT'S NOT. He's a cheating lying ba$tard who does NOT deserve you. Or his child.
3) You can't believe he doesn't love you? What does he have to do to prove it to you? HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. If he did he'd be pleading with you to come home and he'd be doing everything in his power to make that happen. Is he doing that?? NO. He's telling you over and over and OVER that he doesn't WANT you. BELIEVE him.
4) By acting the way you're acting, you're teaching your daughter to be a trembling puddle of misery if a guy ever breaks up with her, and to plead and beg and debase herself to try and keep him. No matter what the cost to her emotional health and self respect.

You REALLY need to move on with your life WITHOUT him. Get yourself some therapy to improve your self image and make absolutely sure you don't EVER get involved with another guy until you've improved vastly in that area.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #32 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 05:39 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

My ex-husband swore both times, when I was prepared to divorce him, that he loved me more than life. The first time I believed him. The second time I didn't and I finally divorced him. Which is what I should have done the first time. Because his actions said he didn't love me. And your husband's actions say he doesn't love you. Accept that and make a plan to move on. Otherwise, you'll be his doormat for the rest of the marriage. And he WILL continue to cheat. That will send a very bad message to your daughter and she will likely repeat it some day.
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post #33 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 05:49 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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I shared some of this information ya'll have shared with my MIL. She doesn't think the NPD fits him but I do and I have for a while. That being said, she still agrees wholeheartedly with me that he needs professional help and has ****ed everything up. I was no angle when our marriage first started, I had many problems. Hormonal imbalance, PPD, thyroid malfunction, etc. It took a toll on me and him and he hasn't been able to forgive me for it, even though they were all medically treatable once I got to the right doctor and mindset.

It's funny how I can forgive him for years of sneaking behind my back talking to friends in ways he shouldn't have been and having an affair but he continually brings up my past mistakes.....meh.
He brings up your past as excuses to justify his behavior now. Your stuck looking at yourself thinking you are at fault. You arent.

Whether he has a mental issue or is just a selfish jerk is irrelevant at the moment, he is unwilling to address any faults in the marriage or himself. You should check with your county or city agencies as they may have legal aides or assistance to help with divorce. It's doesn't sound like you have a great deal of assets or high income issues.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #34 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 07:26 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I am sorry his is throwing your illnesses back at you. He is a jerk regardless of whether he as a personality disorder or not. Some people are just jerks dear.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #35 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 08:55 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

So,what's the plan?

You love him, he loves you..and you're separated. Now what?

Either you both get into MC or you file. I'm not exactly sure what the dilemma here is. What you're doing is treading water. At some point, you have to swim to shore..on either side.

As an aside, you say you're still in love with him, yet list incidents and behaviors that any sane person wouldn't love..actually, probably wouldn't even tolerate. Could it be that you cannot admit to yourself that whatever it once was that you might have actually loved is no gone, perhaps forever?

Consider therapy for yourself too.
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post #36 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 10:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I just to be clear to everyone, I've been in therapy for five months. All its done is help my confidence and self image.
@Hope1964, it's hard to throw away someone you love. This isn't easy for me, you must get that I'm sure. I'm 30 years old and met him my senior year of high school. This isn't easy. I took the initiative to see a secular therapist and they've helped with what I mentioned above. I can't afford any other type of therapy. Marriages can recover from infidelity and I'm not the type to just give up on a person. I have stood up for myself and have put him in his place. He's not taken it well. I've been very confrontational with him and have not let him walk all over me anymore. That being said, he is a man I married because I LOVE him, and I am the only one here who knows him. He did a 180 when we moved from Arizona to Nevada and everyone who knows him saw it. I'm not making excuses for him, I no longer do that. I'm just trying to fill in some blanks. I am a loyal, loving woman who refuses to give up on a person until absolutely pushed over the edge. I haven't been pushed to that point yet. Maybe that makes me foolish or maybe it means I'm stronger than the average woman, or maybe it's both.
@honcho, no I don't have many assets or much income. I live in a town of 650 people, good paying jobs are hard to come by here and I'm thankful for the opportunity my cousin gave me to be his office manager. I'm saving as much as I can so I can get back on my feet.
@Unicus, yes I've thought that what we once had is gone, because I know it is. Something new could be born from this if he'd let it, but only time will tell. Right now it doesn't look good but you never know.

Last edited by fallen22; 06-13-2016 at 11:09 PM.
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post #37 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 11:04 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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I just to be clear to everyone, I've been in therapy for five months. All its done is help my confidence and self image.
That's a good thing. That is IC. You are not in marriage counseling. You are technically separated and living in limbo.

I hope you find your way to being happy again. No one deserves living on hold...that is what limbo is. You can't get that time back.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #38 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 11:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@Bibi1031, no you can't get that time back. My memories have been my worst enemy.
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post #39 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 07:30 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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I just to be clear to everyone, I've been in therapy for five months. All its done is help my confidence and self image.
@Hope1964, it's hard to throw away someone you love. This isn't easy for me, you must get that I'm sure. I'm 30 years old and met him my senior year of high school. This isn't easy. I took the initiative to see a secular therapist and they've helped with what I mentioned above. I can't afford any other type of therapy. Marriages can recover from infidelity and I'm not the type to just give up on a person. I have stood up for myself and have put him in his place. He's not taken it well. I've been very confrontational with him and have not let him walk all over me anymore. That being said, he is a man I married because I LOVE him, and I am the only one here who knows him. He did a 180 when we moved from Arizona to Nevada and everyone who knows him saw it. I'm not making excuses for him, I no longer do that. I'm just trying to fill in some blanks. I am a loyal, loving woman who refuses to give up on a person until absolutely pushed over the edge. I haven't been pushed to that point yet. Maybe that makes me foolish or maybe it means I'm stronger than the average woman, or maybe it's both.
@honcho, no I don't have many assets or much income. I live in a town of 650 people, good paying jobs are hard to come by here and I'm thankful for the opportunity my cousin gave me to be his office manager. I'm saving as much as I can so I can get back on my feet.
@Unicus, yes I've thought that what we once had is gone, because I know it is. Something new could be born from this if he'd let it, but only time will tell. Right now it doesn't look good but you never know.

Hun, I genuinely feel for you here. But I think you're feeling more than thinking. What you want may not be possible from from you have. I think the best course of action for you is to find the wherewithal to re start therapy for yourself and process the emotion in a way that doesn't interfere with rational thought.

It often takes more than desire on the part of one (or even both) people to make a very bad situation better.
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post #40 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 08:28 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
I just to be clear to everyone, I've been in therapy for five months. All its done is help my confidence and self image.
@Hope1964, it's hard to throw away someone you love. This isn't easy for me, you must get that I'm sure. I'm 30 years old and met him my senior year of high school. This isn't easy. I took the initiative to see a secular therapist and they've helped with what I mentioned above. I can't afford any other type of therapy. Marriages can recover from infidelity and I'm not the type to just give up on a person. I have stood up for myself and have put him in his place. He's not taken it well. I've been very confrontational with him and have not let him walk all over me anymore. That being said, he is a man I married because I LOVE him, and I am the only one here who knows him. He did a 180 when we moved from Arizona to Nevada and everyone who knows him saw it. I'm not making excuses for him, I no longer do that. I'm just trying to fill in some blanks. I am a loyal, loving woman who refuses to give up on a person until absolutely pushed over the edge. I haven't been pushed to that point yet. Maybe that makes me foolish or maybe it means I'm stronger than the average woman, or maybe it's both.
@honcho, no I don't have many assets or much income. I live in a town of 650 people, good paying jobs are hard to come by here and I'm thankful for the opportunity my cousin gave me to be his office manager. I'm saving as much as I can so I can get back on my feet.
@Unicus, yes I've thought that what we once had is gone, because I know it is. Something new could be born from this if he'd let it, but only time will tell. Right now it doesn't look good but you never know.
But, the reality is, that you've become stronger at being a doormat, we've all been there and it's not healthy. Start detaching, it gets easier, I promise.

You are expecting something new out of your relationship and you got it, the truth, take those blinders and rose colored glasses off, he's shown you who he is, believe him.

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post #41 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 08:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I laid in bed last night thinking about how ALL of my belongings are in that house in Nevada. Literally everything of mine is there, even my two cats. He sleeps in my bed every night, goes into a closet thats full of my clothes and shoes, makes meals in a kitchen full of my kitchen gadgets, etc. It makes me sick.....and genuinely pissed off.
@Slow Hand, what do you mean I've become stronger at being a doormat?
@Unicus, my therapists are secular in nature. It's helped to some degree but only with my self esteem. I feel that going back at this point isn't going to do me any good.
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post #42 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 01:11 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

You want to wait for him and hope for a miracle. That is not going to happen. He is too far gone from you emotionally, he will not turn back.

You are in his past now. He has been honest with you. You don't want that honesty. You want more lies!

Stop that! You are only prolonging the inevitable. Move on even if it's kicking ans screaming every inch of the way there. It's the only card left on the deck for you. No reconciliation card has ever been offered because it is not in your deck of cards.

Let it go, or keep living in sucky limbo!

Those are your two options. You have no others. Your can't wrap around the idea that he left everything. You can't, he already has not only left you physically but emotionally much longer than that.

Your head is messed up. It doesn't correlate with your feelings. That is going to take time, apparently a long time for you. That doesn't mean your logic is correct. It can't be because you didn't cause this; he did.

You can't fix it because you didn't break it. It's over, you need to listen to others that have been in your shoes. Most WS don't seek reconciliation because they cheated thinking they no longer loved their spouse. They are probably right. They were just not honest until they had set a nest elsewhere.

Believe statistics...they are not in your favor. Your marriage is a casualty of infidelity...not the exception!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #43 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@Bibi1031. What do you mean my head is messed up?
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post #44 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 08:43 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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@Bibi1031. What do you mean my head is messed up?
You would never leave him. Your head cannot accept this fact that HE CAN. I was the same way.

I filed for divorce and let my husband go because I saw the pattern in his other brothers. That is why I did it, but not because my head believed it. I still can't wrap my head around it at times and it has been almost 14 years! The patterns and the statistics didn't lie; my head, my gut and my emotions did!

Some of us take our marriage vows to the grave, others don't. I would of stayed with my X through thick or thin regardless of the temptations thrown my way. My moral compass was firm and unwavering.

I WAS (being the operative word here) because it ain't that way anymore. I am a royal mess. After two failed marriages and the worst one not being the infidelity one but the abusive one...the damage has been done and the clock can't be turned.

I'm glad you asked for clarification. I sometimes think people perceive what I am trying to convey and that is most certainly not so.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #45 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 09:27 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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I laid in bed last night thinking about how ALL of my belongings are in that house in Nevada. Literally everything of mine is there, even my two cats. He sleeps in my bed every night, goes into a closet thats full of my clothes and shoes, makes meals in a kitchen full of my kitchen gadgets, etc. It makes me sick.....and genuinely pissed off.
@Slow Hand, what do you mean I've become stronger at being a doormat?
@Unicus, my therapists are secular in nature. It's helped to some degree but only with my self esteem. I feel that going back at this point isn't going to do me any good.
Look, I don't mean to be rude or insensitive, but I've been there. How long has it been since D day? It doesn't appear as though you've made much progress, if any at all. You let him use you, while he was visiting, and you still want him back. You are simply not in your right mind, you should never let anyone disrespect you, like your husband has, and continues to do. He's made it clear, that he doesn't want to get back together, let him go, believe him!

It's high time you pick yourself up off the floor and do something about it. Stop making excuses and fight for your rights, this is not on you and you have no obligation to anyone but yourself. Would you really want your daughter growing up in this type of situation? Do you really think he can change, when it's obvious, you never really knew him?

Just be careful, guard your heart, when he see's the new you, he may try to get back together with you. Will you be strong enough to spurn his advances? Or will you cave in and become a doormat once again? There's a whole new world waiting out there for you, seize the moment and do what you know is right, file for divorce and move on.


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Infidelity feels like intense hate that is meant to agonizingly carve the love right out of your heart. A sadistic and vengeful way to say, "I despise you like no other person on earth." It is the combination of evil and hate that rips at your heart, spitting a venom of condemnation, from someone who feels like the devil; only this time the devil is wearing your spouses face. From an enemy you may expect such ruthlessness, but not from your spouse. It is the ultimate rejection of your very being from the person who knows you the most. It is horror that terrorizes every moment of your life as it kills your dreams of what your life is, was, and will be. The shock of the assault feels no different than if your spouse plunged a knife deep into your heart, while you let out a bloodcurdling scream of destruction to your self-esteem and safety. It is mocking of your love, a statement of reprisal. The confusion so overwhelming and dismaying - How could this person who claimed to love you, dispose of your affections so ruthlessly, tearing them from your heart one vicious and bloody slash after another. Once the extraction is complete, leering at your anguish, as if now, you understand their disgust for you; sneering with achievement as you accept their hatred. No respect is given to the gift of commitment upheld by you. It is implied as burdensome and irritating.

Read more at: Infidelity is traumatic, but it is not your fault. Staying or leaving after an affair.
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