He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 10:37 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I have experienced an 18 year, 14 years married relationship falling apart just like you have. It involved infidelity just as yours did. It still bothers me terribly even though it's been a couple of years.

It hurts to have the person you love reject you. You feel helpless-- you are. But only regarding their love for you.
You feel like their live can't just evaporate--- it has.
You feel like the love they have for you is there, it's just deep below the surface--- it's not and likely never was there as it should have been, hence the years of inappropriate behavior you've learned about.

Your self esteem is gone, you feel unlovable, old, and unwanted. It hurts. You don't want to let go of your dreams of a happy family that are do important to you, and nonexistent for him.

Here's what you must do. You don't have a choice in this if you want to be happy again.

Divorce him. Live as best as you can and learn to be happy again on your own. Stop thinking about him. Force yourself. It will get easier when you accept he's gone. Acceptance is the first step to healing. Find hobbies or just do things you've always enjoyed or wanted to do.
When you're happy and over him, consider dating. Yes, regardless of what you look like or think you look like, or how old you are, there are LOTS of people out there that will find you attractive, and you them. When you're ready and you meet the right one, things will come easy. If it's not easy, send them on their way. Things should at least be easy at first. When you find someone you like, you will stop thinking about your ex and you will begin to see him for what he really is, when you do think about him.
This is not your fault, and you can't fix it. But you can be happy again, and you will likely love the next person that actually loves you back much more than this disloyal jerk you are currently letting your life get ruined by.

Please don't think you can't get over this. You can. It's not easy, but you can----if you start moving in the right direction instead of stagnating where you are because if inaction.

I wish you luck, strength, and future happiness.
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post #47 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 11:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@Evinrude58.....I cried reading your words because what you said resignated with me to my core. My family is gone. My dream of growing old together is gone. I'm now raising my daughter alone, just like my mom did with me.

It hurts so bad......I haven't cried over this in quite a while but your words rang so true with me the tears just fell
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post #48 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 12:01 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know firsthand how bad it does hurt. I'm not normally a heavy person. I didn't eat for two months. I list 30 pounds.

There's good news. When you accept what's happened, you will get better quickly. And you will be happy. YOU WILL find a person to spend your life with, and you will have the chance now to find a person who will truly love you.
Your happiest days are in the future.

I promise that you will put this behind you and things will appear so different than they do now. I assure you that you can work toward your dream again. And that's all it takes.

Please, don't feel in despair. We've all been there. You aren't alone. Post when you're feeling bad. Someone will answer. It helps a little to know you're not the only person that has successfully rebuilt their life after having been betrayed.
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post #49 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 08:13 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Just read your situation. I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting, and that you and your daughter have been put in this position. In my opinion you're going about this wrong.

You're in limbo, but not because of him but because of YOU!!!

You want to move forward, and get on the path to happiness for both you and your daughter? From here on out, when you start thinking about your husband and how much you love him and want to work things out, stop yourself IMMEDIATELY and remind yourself that this PIECE OF $HIT showed you time and time again how much he truly loves you by sending pictures of his penis not to women but YOUR FRIENDS.

It wasn't some stupid thing he did once when he was drunk, but it sounds like he did it multiple times over a good number of years. You say you're angry, but I call total BS on this because if you had any self respect for yourself you would be LIVID about this and more importantly you would have filed already to end this farce of a relationship that for some crazy reason you're trying to hold onto.

Is this the message that you want to show your 7 yr old daughter? That you value yourself so little that you're willing to let the man who is suppose to love you and have your back NO MATTER WHAT treat you like a PIECE OF $HIT?

Where's your DIGNITY & SELF RESPECT?

You want to travel and are frightened about what the future holds, I get it. Quit thinking about what you don't have and make a choice to open the door on a new life for you and your daughter. Everything starts with a choice. Then take the first step and take a baby step to get momentum moving.

File for divorce.
Take your cousin up on his offer, and go back to Nevada and get all of you and your daughters possessions. Bring it back to Montana.
Trust me by doing these two things you'll feel better about your situation as you will be taking control of your life and more importantly your future. You'll feel empowered.

When you get back to Montana, continue working for your cousin, and realize it's serving a purpose (temporarily). By the grace of god you do have a roof over your head even though it's with your mom and you hate being in this situation. Do you know how many people don't have a roof over their head? Be grateful!!

I would also use this time to continue going to individual counseling. You need to find out who you are. Like why would you ever want to be in a relationship with a man who obviously has no respect for you or your child? Did your husband think that sending these texts to your friends would never get back to you? Now that it has, how did you react to it? You're torn to pieces claiming you love this guy and willing to do anything to try and fix it? Come on now.

You need to to learn to start trusting that voice deep down inside of us (the Holy Spirit) who's been talking to you about all of this but you're not listening. You get one shot at this thing called life. You're holding on to some fairy tail about putting your marriage back together, and you and your daughter and husband live happily ever after.

The sooner you realize who and what your husband is the sooner you can get PISSED OFF ENOUGH to say that you and your daughter are too valuable to take crumbs from some scumbag and PISSED OFF ENOUGH to say it's time to get back in life and say NO MORE.

Your husband has shown who and what he is.
The question is are you willing to put up with this, or are you ready to close the page on this chapter in your life and be ready to start the next chapter?

STOP LETTING FEAR DICTATE YOUR DECISIONS.
Baby steps.
File for divorce.
Each step you take, trust me, you'll get stronger and you'll also realize it's not as bad as you thought. This will give you the strength and more importantly the COURAGE to take the next baby step.

If you can't do it for yourself DO IT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!
She deserves this.

I'll be praying for you, and trust me, you're not this weak person who can't handle all of this. The Lord didn't give you a spirit of fear. The fighter in you is already in you.

So remember, every single time you start thinking about your husband and how great things were, stop yourself IMMEDIATELY, and tell yourself this man who you claim you love and are trying to hold onto had so little respect for you and your daughter and showed how much he loved you by sending pictures of his penis to your friends.

The choice is up to you!!
Take the first step to a new life.
It all starts with a choice.
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post #50 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 08:38 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Why would you want to stay with a man who has cheated on you and has been inappropriate with your friends? The man is a cheat. He more than likely moved out of the bedroom because of the affair. It does not sound like he has any interest in working on the marriage. I was in your shoes many years ago, my husband was having an affair and he had filed for divorce, I didn't want it, I was in love with my husband despite his affair and I had a hard time moving on. Seek out a good counselor to help you thru this. As I watched my husband (ex) move thru his life I began to see him in a different way than I had when we were married and I was in love with him. He was a cheat and a liar. He cheated on every women he was serious with after our divorce. He destroyed a second marriage with his cheating. There are some men (and women) who are serial cheaters, they need help but they don't want help, they like what they are doing. If you took this man back without him getting to the core of HIS issues he would do the same again. You could not trust this man.
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post #51 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 08:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@sideways, I know you're right. I know everyone here is right. I now know there are worse things than death. He's made me feel guilty for the things he did. I only wish my friends would have said something sooner. As far as I know, a penis picture was only sent to one friend, and the rest told him to leave them alone. Right after our daughter was born I had discovered he'd been on dating websites too. I wish I could have seen all this for what it was back then and then I could have saved myself some massive heartache, but I guess that's how we learn.

My biggest fear is he'll find a way to get full custody of our daughter. I can't afford a lawyer so I don't know how to go about this. I'm also a resident of one state living in another. Will someone help me for little or no money? Who do I go to?
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post #52 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 09:29 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Your husband will have to pay for your lawyer most likely, whether he wants to or not. What you need to do is go talk to one. They will give you a course of action. There are people willing to help you. Get their help.
Don't be afraid. This is a bad person you're dealing with. The longer you are legally married, the more his bad deeds can affect you financially.
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post #53 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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The longer you are legally married, the more his bad deeds can affect you financially.
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How can his bad deeds affect me financially?
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post #54 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 10:23 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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@sideways, I know you're right. I know everyone here is right. I now know there are worse things than death. He's made me feel guilty for the things he did. I only wish my friends would have said something sooner. As far as I know, a penis picture was only sent to one friend, and the rest told him to leave them alone. Right after our daughter was born I had discovered he'd been on dating websites too. I wish I could have seen all this for what it was back then and then I could have saved myself some massive heartache, but I guess that's how we learn.

My biggest fear is he'll find a way to get full custody of our daughter. I can't afford a lawyer so I don't know how to go about this. I'm also a resident of one state living in another. Will someone help me for little or no money? Who do I go to?
"My biggest fear".
Can you see that fear is driving everything you think of, and everything that you do and don't do?

How do you know that someone (a lawyer or anybody else for that matter) won't help you? Go explain your situation to a lawyer(s), and I have NO doubt that someone will help you.

When we don't know the answers to things in our future our mind runs wild, and trust me the things we think of are 99% negative thoughts.

Where you're at right now is like an alcoholic, and the road to a better a life (recovery) is looking in the mirror and acknowledging the fact that "yes, I am an alcoholic". In your situation it's acknowledging the reality of your situation/marriage, and that your husband isn't a good person and given his DNA (who and what he TRULY is) just isn't someone you need to be married to.

You tip toe around truly acknowledging this. Once you TRULY believe it in your mind and soul (not your heart as it can be lead astray) then you've taken the first step.

Then it's about taking ACTION and doing something about it.
Take the first step (baby step).

You said you're 30 yrs old.
You have your whole life out in front of you, and the decisions you make today will determine your future.

Let's look at what you do have.
Your daughter is with you.
I can only imagine how much you love her, and she loves you.
You are both healthy!!!! Don't take this for granted!!!!!
Your with your mom, and I'm sure she loves you and your daughter as well.
You and your daughter have a roof over your head, you're not wondering where your next meal is coming from (as millions of people around the world do), you have clothes on your back, you have a job (even if it's not the ideal job long term), and you have transportation (correct?). You have a cousin who seems to be willing to be there for you. All of this are HUGE BLESSINGS, and it's something to build on.

You have all these thoughts running around in your head.
Put a step by step plan down on paper, and then take a deep breath, and then put all of your focus on making step 1 happen. Once you've done that focus on step 2, and then move to the next step. By putting the plan down on paper you're creating a map on how to get from point A to point B (the life that you want to create for you and your daughter).

Also remember, despite your daughter being only 7 yrs old, she's watching everything you're doing, and she's not stupid. Show her that things happen in life that we never expected, but even though we get knocked down, we pick ourselves up, and we press forward. This is the difference between a coward and courage.

So let's stop with all the fearful thoughts.
You don't need anyone to motivate you.
Get online and make an appointment with an attorney so you know what your legal options are moving forward.
Then put the wheels in motion to go back to Nevada to get all of your possessions.
This is a good start.

Agree?

You CAN do this and more importantly you WILL DO THIS!!!
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post #55 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 10:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@sideways. I am fully aware that fear is driving everything I do. I know that. I've never really been independent. I mean to some degree, the obvious ways yes, but my husband has always supported me. My work was always just a bonus, extra money. I have a bachelors degree so I'm not stupid and I'm not unable to find a good job. It's just finding that job where I live. I'll most likely have to commute an hour or more one way to find anything that will pay for a house here. Too many out of state people with too much money have moved here and have driven up the cost of land and housing.

I know my mind is running wild, it has been for about 8 months now or so. Yes, I have all those things you listed, and no I'm not taking them for granted. My mom is sick with breast cancer, but doing well. She was diagnosed right after I came back to Montana, and my aunt as well.

I know my daughter see's and hears everything. Her attitude has changed quite a bit since being here. She is away from all of her belongings and her pets, everything she knows. It's not been easy on her and I'm doing my best to try and stay positive.

@AVR1962, I know you're speaking from experience, and so in saying that I'm sure you understand why I'm struggling with actually forcing myself to file for divorce. You said you loved your husband and didn't want a divorce. You see now that he wasn't good for you and have since moved on and lived a happy life, I'm assuming. It's just very hard to come to grips with the fact that my happily ever after with this man who treated me so well (I thought) for so long, is capable of these things. He didn't take into account what his actions would do to his family. And not just me, but his parents, brother, etc. They are all so angry with him, he almost has no one to turn to.

This may be me digressing, but a few weeks ago I'd gone to dinner with a friend who is also a therapist and while we were eating I'd gotten two texts from him, photo messages. I didn't see them till long after dinner as I'd left my phone in my purse while we were eating. He had wrecked our Polaris Razr, hit a tree head on. He was injured pretty badly but not severely. Of course I was worried and wanted to make sure he was ok. He assured me he was, and I didn't worry too much more after that. A few days go by and somehow we end up in a bit of an argument over something, through text, and he sends me a message saying something to this affect "I wrecked the Razr for gods sake, sent you pictures, and it took you an hour and a half to respond because you were out with god knows who doing god knows what"......I was floored. He knew exactly who I was with and what I was doing, and he had the nerve to say that. It's little **** like that just irks the crap out of me.

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post #56 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 12:09 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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@sideways. I am fully aware that fear is driving everything I do. I know that. I've never really been independent. I mean to some degree, the obvious ways yes, but my husband has always supported me. My work was always just a bonus, extra money. I have a bachelors degree so I'm not stupid and I'm not unable to find a good job. It's just finding that job where I live. I'll most likely have to commute an hour or more one way to find anything that will pay for a house here. Too many out of state people with too much money have moved here and have driven up the cost of land and housing.

I know my mind is running wild, it has been for about 8 months now or so. Yes, I have all those things you listed, and no I'm not taking them for granted. My mom is sick with breast cancer, but doing well. She was diagnosed right after I came back to Montana, and my aunt as well.

I know my daughter see's and hears everything. Her attitude has changed quite a bit since being here. She is away from all of her belongings and her pets, everything she knows. It's not been easy on her and I'm doing my best to try and stay positive.

@AVR1962, I know you're speaking from experience, and so in saying that I'm sure you understand why I'm struggling with actually forcing myself to file for divorce. You said you loved your husband and didn't want a divorce. You see now that he wasn't good for you and have since moved on and lived a happy life, I'm assuming. It's just very hard to come to grips with the fact that my happily ever after with this man who treated me so well (I thought) for so long, is capable of these things. He didn't take into account what his actions would do to his family. And not just me, but his parents, brother, etc. They are all so angry with him, he almost has no one to turn to.

This may be me digressing, but a few weeks ago I'd gone to dinner with a friend who is also a therapist and while we were eating I'd gotten two texts from him, photo messages. I didn't see them till long after dinner as I'd left my phone in my purse while we were eating. He had wrecked our Polaris Razr, hit a tree head on. He was injured pretty badly but not severely. Of course I was worried and wanted to make sure he was ok. He assured me he was, and I didn't worry too much more after that. A few days go by and somehow we end up in a bit of an argument over something, through text, and he sends me a message saying something to this affect "I wrecked the Razr for gods sake, sent you pictures, and it took you an hour and a half to respond because you were out with god knows who doing god knows what"......I was floored. He knew exactly who I was with and what I was doing, and he had the nerve to say that. It's little **** like that just irks the crap out of me.
His RAZR accident is a prime example of why the longer you wait the more financial problems can occur. Had he been seriously injured the medical bills would be part your responsibility because you have no legal separation agreement.

The RAZR is/was a marital asset. It's now damaged or junk. Half that asset value was yours. Accidents/mistakes that no one expects happen all the time. My crazy ex totaled her car and didn't pay the insurance. She was still on the hook for the splitting the value because we had the paperwork filed for the legal separtation. Had it not been we would be splitting the value of a junk car.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #57 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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His RAZR accident is a prime example of why the longer you wait the more financial problems can occur. Had he been seriously injured the medical bills would be part your responsibility because you have no legal separation agreement.

The RAZR is/was a marital asset. It's now damaged or junk. Half that asset value was yours. Accidents/mistakes that no one expects happen all the time. My crazy ex totaled her car and didn't pay the insurance. She was still on the hook for the splitting the value because we had the paperwork filed for the legal separtation. Had it not been we would be splitting the value of a junk car.
Now I see what you're saying. Insurance totaled the RAZR so he has $1600 to pay on a totaled machine. It's never been "ours". He's almost always referred to it as his. As odd as this may sound I have no concerns when it comes to the financial aspect of this, except the lawyer, because it's all "his" **** anyways. He's financially responsible, if nothing else.
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post #58 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 02:11 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

You are so wrong. ANY debt that he find up while you're married is likely going to be half YOUR debt. You are still married. You so freaking badly need to talk to a lawyer.

Please do this. You are 30 years old! I would really like to have been your age when I had to divorce. You have had your daughter all this time. No judge is going to give custody to an absent dad.

Stop worrying and do something!
You're letting this guy hold your life hostage.
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post #59 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@Evinrude58. I emailed a lawyer. Waiting to hear back. There are no family law lawyers where I live so I have to go out of town. I suppose I'm quite ignorant in this situation, unfortunately.
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post #60 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 02:36 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

We all were ignorant until it happened to us. I hope you get some good advice. I assure you that you aren't as helpless as your ex wants you to believe. Why do you think he hasn't divorced you yet? It's not because he still lives you, sadly.
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