He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 143Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #76 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 12:09 PM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,290
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

You can request that the court have him pay your attorney fees due to the fact that the separation/divorce was instigated by him.It's fairly common for the higher earning spouse to be asked to cover the attoryney fees, especially if that is the spouse who asked for the divorce.

I do not thik this unfair in any way. You wouldn't have to hire an attorney if he didn't decide he wants out of the marriage. So, let him pay the costs of the divorce.

And, yes, take your half of the total marital assets. You have a child and are going to be her main caretaker and financial support. If anything happens to you, if you are unable to work for any reason, if you become ill or have an accident, etc. you'll need that money to sustain any kind of decent life for her.

If you never have need of that money, you can always leave it in an account, gathering up interest, and later use it to pay for her college or to give her a head start on purchasing a car/house.


Last edited by MJJEAN; 06-23-2016 at 12:15 PM.
MJJEAN is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #77 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 12:39 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,864
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
Just thought I would catch everyone up and let you know I am hiring an attorney. He's fighting me for custody of our daughter but says he wants to be nice and not fight. **** that. He wants this damn divorce and I'm getting the best attorney in the region. How I'm gonna pay for I have no idea but I'll get it figured out.

Anyone have any advice on how to handle this because I'm in one state with our daughter and he's in another.
You're in one state taking care of your daughter and he's in another and he wants to fight over custody?? I'd let him have at it. It won't go well for him. The system is already heavily tilted in your favor. In this case, I think it's obvious you should have full custody. He's scared of paying child support. Should have thought about that a long time ago.
You are wise to get a lawyer and not let him dictate your life, even though he doesn't want to be part of it anymore.
Posted via Mobile Device
Evinrude58 is offline  
post #78 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@MJJEAN, the problem is coming up with the initial cost of the lawyer. I don't have $3500 to hire one.

@Evinrude58, I'm terrified he'll find a way to get my daughter. I can't handle that on top of everything else that's gone to ****.
fallen22 is offline  
 
post #79 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 04:06 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,174
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
No, I don't want to take him for all he's worth. I'm just not that kind of person. I don't have a vindictive bone in my body. Being "too nice" has gotten me into this mess this deep. I should have stood up for myself long ago. I have complete access to our bank account but I rarely use it, just to pay bills. I use my wages, which are very little, to pay for gas, my student loans and groceries.
You will be rewarded for your kindness, I believe this. What vibes we send out, good or bad, comes back to us. You have not had it easy, but have courage and be kind, as you have been. It takes courage to be kind, so don't let this change you. I will be praying for you to have great strength, you deserve better. Many people fall in love with narcissists. I did once. Your soon to be ex is a narcissist, and they rarely change. ((hugs and stay strong))
*Deidre* is offline  
post #80 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@*Deidre* - this is the worst thing I've ever had to face. Even losing my dad wasn't this painful. I just don't know where to start to end this. I have a meeting with a lawyer on monday bur I have no money to hire him. I'm trying to get a loan through the bank but I don't know any of our asset information. It's a nightmare.
fallen22 is offline  
post #81 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 05:32 PM
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,662
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
Just thought I would catch everyone up and let you know I am hiring an attorney. He's fighting me for custody of our daughter but says he wants to be nice and not fight. **** that. He wants this damn divorce and I'm getting the best attorney in the region. How I'm gonna pay for I have no idea but I'll get it figured out.

Anyone have any advice on how to handle this because I'm in one state with our daughter and he's in another.
This is one of the things you need to discuss with a lawyer. You may have lived in the new state long enough to file in that state. As far as a retainer, how much is in the checking account? Half is yours whether he likes it or not

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
honcho is online now  
post #82 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 07:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,174
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
@*Deidre* - this is the worst thing I've ever had to face. Even losing my dad wasn't this painful. I just don't know where to start to end this. I have a meeting with a lawyer on monday bur I have no money to hire him. I'm trying to get a loan through the bank but I don't know any of our asset information. It's a nightmare.
I imagine it's a scary time, right now. Please remember what I'm about to tell you. Your soon to be ex sounds like a narcissist. They are calculated, they have no empathy, they play a lot of head games, and like a cat/mouse type of game. There will come a day, when he flirts with you, or texts you something sexy. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. It is a narcissist playing a game. Remember what love should actually look and feel like. It doesn't feel or look like this. Please remember this, because he will be alone some day, when his affinity for affairs run out, and he will remember the nice wife he left behind. But, trust me, if you entertain conversations with him other than have to do with the divorce and parenting, etc...you will always ALWAYS lose. A narcissist is always one step ahead of his prey. I hate to sound so ...sinister lol But, no person who truly loves his family, would also destroy it. Only a narcissist would do what he's doing. Praying for you, to stay very strong.

You will read threads on here of people who keep hanging on...hoping their narcissist will change. And the narcissist keeps coming in and out of their exes' lives, when they want something, sex, money...whatever. And the betrayed spouse continues to open the door. Getting hurt, nearly every time. There are some here who have worked out things, despite affairs, but the trust is gone. They are monitoring their spouses' behaviors, and checking up on them, and going through their phones, etc. Is that really a marriage? To each their own.

You can't change your soon to be ex, but you can change how you respond to him.

Last edited by *Deidre*; 06-23-2016 at 07:31 PM.
*Deidre* is offline  
post #83 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 08:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,452
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Your lawyer may agree to accept the proceeds from the sale of the house as a bond.

Ask a friend or a sibling to retrieve your belongings from the home. Do not return to Nevada where he can ambush you with a filing. Do not allow your daughter to return to Nevada where he can force her to stay. Remember he allowed your daughter to go with you, he set the precedent do not allow him to change it until the courts settle the issue.

Finally your feelings for your husband reminds me of a song from the late sixties(?) hooked on a feeling. @Uptown posted this recently about BPDand cluster B personality types.


Generally, you will not find the full-blown BPDers to be scary at all. The vast majority of them are high functioning individuals who typically exhibit a warmth, spontaneity, and childlike purity of expression that makes them very likable, fun, and easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. You typically will never see a BPDer's dark side unless you make the mistake of trying to establish a close friendship, at which point you will start triggering the BPDer's two fears (abandonment and engulfment).

I would also add sense of entitlement to his list.
JohnA is offline  
post #84 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 08:46 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,546
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

A narcissist just wants what they want. Your feelings don't matter. Decency doesn't matter, except how it might make him look bad to others (affecting his ability to get more of what he wants).

You must stop being a victim. There is no shame in getting selfish on your own behalf AND your daughter.

Focus on your independence. Stop hanging on hoping for a change that isn't coming. Accept reality and treat him like he's dead. Find your inner b!tch.

Oh, and since he wants the divorce, I agree with others -- do nothing to block him, but let HIM do all the work. You don't owe him anything at this point. Focus ONLY on yourself and your daughter.

Good luck.
sapientia is offline  
post #85 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 01:27 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by honcho View Post
This is one of the things you need to discuss with a lawyer. You may have lived in the new state long enough to file in that state. As far as a retainer, how much is in the checking account? Half is yours whether he likes it or not
I have been in Montana long enough for this state to have jurisdiction. I don't know what's in the checking account, I can promise it's not enough to pay a retainer fee. He makes good money but we're almost completely billed out so that kind of money isn't there.

fallen22 is offline  
post #86 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 01:30 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I imagine it's a scary time, right now. Please remember what I'm about to tell you. Your soon to be ex sounds like a narcissist. They are calculated, they have no empathy, they play a lot of head games, and like a cat/mouse type of game. There will come a day, when he flirts with you, or texts you something sexy. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. It is a narcissist playing a game. Remember what love should actually look and feel like. It doesn't feel or look like this. Please remember this, because he will be alone some day, when his affinity for affairs run out, and he will remember the nice wife he left behind. But, trust me, if you entertain conversations with him other than have to do with the divorce and parenting, etc...you will always ALWAYS lose. A narcissist is always one step ahead of his prey. I hate to sound so ...sinister lol But, no person who truly loves his family, would also destroy it. Only a narcissist would do what he's doing. Praying for you, to stay very strong.

You will read threads on here of people who keep hanging on...hoping their narcissist will change. And the narcissist keeps coming in and out of their exes' lives, when they want something, sex, money...whatever. And the betrayed spouse continues to open the door. Getting hurt, nearly every time. There are some here who have worked out things, despite affairs, but the trust is gone. They are monitoring their spouses' behaviors, and checking up on them, and going through their phones, etc. Is that really a marriage? To each their own.

You can't change your soon to be ex, but you can change how you respond to him.
I've done better with how I handle the situation and him. That hope is still there, even though I know it can't work out. He's all I've known and it's hard to get over that. I know he'll continue to hurt me and use me, and he doesn't see at all how he's used me. I've tried to tell him and he thinks that's crazy I could think that.

I don't trust him and he doesnt trust me. We used to be happy. This makes me never want to marry again. And that makes me sad.
fallen22 is offline  
post #87 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 01:34 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Your lawyer may agree to accept the proceeds from the sale of the house as a bond.

Ask a friend or a sibling to retrieve your belongings from the home. Do not return to Nevada where he can ambush you with a filing. Do not allow your daughter to return to Nevada where he can force her to stay. Remember he allowed your daughter to go with you, he set the precedent do not allow him to change it until the courts settle the issue.

Finally your feelings for your husband reminds me of a song from the late sixties(?) hooked on a feeling. @Uptown posted this recently about BPDand cluster B personality types.


Generally, you will not find the full-blown BPDers to be scary at all. The vast majority of them are high functioning individuals who typically exhibit a warmth, spontaneity, and childlike purity of expression that makes them very likable, fun, and easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. You typically will never see a BPDer's dark side unless you make the mistake of trying to establish a close friendship, at which point you will start triggering the BPDer's two fears (abandonment and engulfment).

I would also add sense of entitlement to his list.

I can't have a friend retrieve my belongings. My cousin will be taking me in his pickup and his enclosed trailer to get my things. He told me today there's no way he'd let me go alone, not after what's happened. He's not a man my husband wants to mess with, and he won't. They were pretty close for a long time but since all this **** has started that's changed. I feel safe with my cousin and I know I'll be ok going with him. My daughter will not be going with us.
fallen22 is offline  
post #88 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 01:37 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by sapientia View Post
A narcissist just wants what they want. Your feelings don't matter. Decency doesn't matter, except how it might make him look bad to others (affecting his ability to get more of what he wants).

You must stop being a victim. There is no shame in getting selfish on your own behalf AND your daughter.

Focus on your independence. Stop hanging on hoping for a change that isn't coming. Accept reality and treat him like he's dead. Find your inner b!tch.

Oh, and since he wants the divorce, I agree with others -- do nothing to block him, but let HIM do all the work. You don't owe him anything at this point. Focus ONLY on yourself and your daughter.

Good luck.
He isn't going to file. He'd have done it by now. He's perfectly happy keeping me in purgatory so I'll have to file and I can do so in Montana, I've been here long enough. He's fighting me for our daughter and I know I have the upper hand with that but it scares me. I will never keep her from her dad, I want to be fair and allow him to see her regularly but I need custody of her and that's just how it is.
fallen22 is offline  
post #89 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 02:42 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,452
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Your cousin can go with a bud. Questions can be asked and answered with your phone using texts and pixs. Going in person only gives your husband the opportunity to either ambush you by having you served thus gaining home court advantage and isolating you from family or have you arrested for kidnapping.

Before you say no there is no evidence this is wrong. Sometimes we need to simply follow the advise of strangers or those we respect. There is not a single good reason for you to go and more than a few reasons not to.

Have you read @Blossom Leigh thread on abuse. There are more than a few kinds of abuse.
JohnA is offline  
post #90 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 07:57 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,020
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

You may be able to get a free consultation from attorneys. You can shop around.... you don't HAVE to go with the first one you talk to.

Can you get online to find financial information? Is your name on some of the bills, credit cards, etc? If you filed joint income taxes then you are on that account and can request those documents from the IRS. If your name is on anything you can start getting on the phone and getting whatever info possible. IF he pays bills online you may be able to guess his passwords to those accounts... if your name is on them, you have the right to see them.

If your name is on credit cards....attorneys will take that! Nothing to feel bad about there, because all the credit will be split during the divorce anyway.

You can do this. You can also research online about Montana's divorce/custody laws..... do some homework. You will feel less anxious if you educate yourself!

My ex also walked out on us (myself, 5 kids...one a teen mom so a grandbaby too) and would do nothing about divorce. I also moved far away, which is actually easier than always being in the same town. A little distance helped me TONS. I also had to divorce with no help/input/anything from him. My point is... it is definitely doable.

It gets better. And it takes T I M E. One step at a time is right. You have a good support system.

When you go back to get your stuff, be on the lookout for important papers...insurance policies, bills, credit card receipts, tax papers, checking account info, savings account info, pay stubs, deeds, titles, etc.... the more stuff you can find the less work you have to do later trying to get info from him. Remember.... even if you are not "taking him to the cleaners", the marital assets and debts are yours also. You just need the info to know what you are looking at financially.

They say "marriage is about love....divorce is all business". Put on your big girl panties, and get down to business. Show your daughter how to be a strong woman. There is no reason to denigrate your stbx to your daughter, just show her that mom knows how to take care of business. She will take life cues from you, her closest female role model. Be the role model that you want her to see. Someone who is strong and independent and not a clueless doormat. (Not saying you are that, just be careful of the image you project to your daughter). Be strong for her. You can do this.
SunnyT is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
heartache, separation divorce

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome