He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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post #91 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 07:31 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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They say "marriage is about love....divorce is all business".
1000%. That's how I treated it and it was the best thing I did.

Kudos on fighting for your girl. You'll be glad you did. Stay tough.

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post #92 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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I'm having a rough day today. I'm scared because I have no money. I was denied a loan and a credit line increase in my credit card. I have a consultation tomorrow with an attorney. I'm hoping he'll be able to help me figure out the financial aspect of this in addition to the legal stuff.

I just want my legal fees paid for, what I'm rightfully entitled to and my personal belongings. The money I hopefully receive from half the house and such I will use to pay my car off and my student loans. I'm not taking my husband to the cleaners but I'm in this mess because of him, because he's too damn selfish and full of pride to make sacrifices for the sake of his family. So he's going to pay to get my debts taken care of and then I can start fresh. It's gonna be a chore to find a decent job where I live. Rural Montana is not known for high paying jobs but I'm a college grad with a good head on her shoulders and I'll figure it out.
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post #93 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 11:53 PM Thread Starter
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It's amazing the amount of secrets that have been kept from me for 12 years! Jesus Christ! I have a list now of 12 girls he was inappropriate with, not physically but sending them messages like "I'd pay to look at you" and "you know you're beautiful, my wife won't even let me look at her". Ugh and they were all friends except the one who he did cheat on me with. Thank god my friends were decent enough to shut him down. It's just too bad they didn't tell me sooner.

I understand not wanting to hurt me, especially when they thought everything between he and I was ok. But damn it stings. Now I just gotta get him out of my life and figure out how to rebuild from nothing.
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post #94 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 01:22 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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It's amazing the amount of secrets that have been kept from me for 12 years! Jesus Christ! I have a list now of 12 girls he was inappropriate with, not physically but sending them messages like "I'd pay to look at you" and "you know you're beautiful, my wife won't even let me look at her". Ugh and they were all friends except the one who he did cheat on me with. Thank god my friends were decent enough to shut him down. It's just too bad they didn't tell me sooner.

I understand not wanting to hurt me, especially when they thought everything between he and I was ok. But damn it stings. Now I just gotta get him out of my life and figure out how to rebuild from nothing.
I am so sorry you are going thru this.

And this is precisely why I always say that one must immediately bring up any inappropriate behavior to the spouse.
If any friend of mine does this crap and I know it... Their spouse will hear it ASAP.
Does not matter if my friend is there closest and best I have ever had. But cheating has no place.

A sealed heart is the greatest penalty anyone incurs.
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post #95 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 06:46 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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I don't agree with putting all financial support of the child on the father. That this notion is "fair" is crazy to me. Lots and lots of women take child support and are allowed to spend it on themselves or their new bf's. Seen it myself personally.
If a man makes 150k a year, why should he have to pay 30k a year in child support, and the ex wife pay nothing? It seems the man gets shafted with custody going to the wife almost invariably, and he gets shafted financially as well. And people call this "fair"????

This fairness idea needs revamping. Divorce should result in accountability for both parents, not just men. Women should be willing to do their part since they want all this equality. Like the OP, she should go after what's fair, but nothing more. But most women aren't like OP. Too bad.


But I agree, OP, you should listen to your lawyer and get what you can. If you think it's unfair, you can always give what you don't need back to him. But don't be too nice. Just be fair.
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I think you are making gross generalisations. In my case for example I gave up a good career where I was earning more than my husband to look after kids and travel around the world (it sounds great but not so exciting when you do it for the umpteeth time looking for schools, homes, new network, etc) to support his career. If following your logic we were to divorce, I should be getting my own job and getting on with it. I do now have a full time good paying job due but the point is I did everything while he worked so the wealth created we did it together (anyway my H is useless with money and i am the saving and investing kind of gal). So in our scenario would it be 'fair' in your opinion if I get nothing just because the kids no longer need financing let's say. I would think that is grossly unfair. I ought to seek lost earnings and compensation for domestic support services which based on peer reviewed research the domestic support alone equates to approx USD65,000 per annum. Men cannot earn and create wealth without having domestic support and knowing their family, household, etc is being taken care of. Unfortunately, too many put no value on this at all, no wonder many females don't want to marry or have families.

Just saying!
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post #96 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 07:00 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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It's amazing the amount of secrets that have been kept from me for 12 years! Jesus Christ! I have a list now of 12 girls he was inappropriate with, not physically but sending them messages like "I'd pay to look at you" and "you know you're beautiful, my wife won't even let me look at her". Ugh and they were all friends except the one who he did cheat on me with. Thank god my friends were decent enough to shut him down. It's just too bad they didn't tell me sooner.

I understand not wanting to hurt me, especially when they thought everything between he and I was ok. But damn it stings. Now I just gotta get him out of my life and figure out how to rebuild from nothing.
So sorry you are finding all of this out now, but you are heading in the right direction and you have your family so you will get through this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your WH sounds like he has major issues with boundaries and sounds a bit creepy to me.
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post #97 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 07:20 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
It's amazing the amount of secrets that have been kept from me for 12 years! Jesus Christ! I have a list now of 12 girls he was inappropriate with, not physically but sending them messages like "I'd pay to look at you" and "you know you're beautiful, my wife won't even let me look at her". Ugh and they were all friends except the one who he did cheat on me with. Thank god my friends were decent enough to shut him down. It's just too bad they didn't tell me sooner.

I understand not wanting to hurt me, especially when they thought everything between he and I was ok. But damn it stings. Now I just gotta get him out of my life and figure out how to rebuild from nothing.
The truly scary thing is what you don't know. I imagine if he behaved that way with your friends, he was also behaving that way with women who don't know you or who don't know you well.

I call b.s. on not wanting to hurt you because they thought everything was ok between you two. They knew things weren't ok because he was sending them inappropriate messages. In ok marriages, the husband doesn't send the wifes friends inappropriate messages.
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post #98 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
It's amazing the amount of secrets that have been kept from me for 12 years! Jesus Christ! I have a list now of 12 girls he was inappropriate with, not physically but sending them messages like "I'd pay to look at you" and "you know you're beautiful, my wife won't even let me look at her". Ugh and they were all friends except the one who he did cheat on me with. Thank god my friends were decent enough to shut him down. It's just too bad they didn't tell me sooner.

I understand not wanting to hurt me, especially when they thought everything between he and I was ok. But damn it stings. Now I just gotta get him out of my life and figure out how to rebuild from nothing.
I am so sorry you are going thru this.

And this is precisely why I always say that one must immediately bring up any inappropriate behavior to the spouse.
If any friend of mine does this crap and I know it... Their spouse will hear it ASAP.
Does not matter if my friend is there closest and best I have ever had. But cheating has no place.
I can understand the hesitation and fear of not wanting to say anything and get involved but this hurts worse I think than if I would have known when it happened. At least it didn't take me long to find out about the affair.
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post #99 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 03:34 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
It's amazing the amount of secrets that have been kept from me for 12 years! Jesus Christ! I have a list now of 12 girls he was inappropriate with, not physically but sending them messages like "I'd pay to look at you" and "you know you're beautiful, my wife won't even let me look at her". Ugh and they were all friends except the one who he did cheat on me with. Thank god my friends were decent enough to shut him down. It's just too bad they didn't tell me sooner.

I understand not wanting to hurt me, especially when they thought everything between he and I was ok. But damn it stings. Now I just gotta get him out of my life and figure out how to rebuild from nothing.
The truly scary thing is what you don't know. I imagine if he behaved that way with your friends, he was also behaving that way with women who don't know you or who don't know you well.

I call b.s. on not wanting to hurt you because they thought everything was ok between you two. They knew things weren't ok because he was sending them inappropriate messages. In ok marriages, the husband doesn't send the wifes friends inappropriate messages.
I do agree with you. Some friends just aren't aware of what could really be going on. I don't fault my friends for not telling me. At least they didn't get involved with him. What he did is on him, no one else
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post #100 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 05:11 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

One day at a time, Fallen. Also, think about getting some new friends when the dust settles. True friends would have told you the truth, even if painful.

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post #101 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 10:43 PM Thread Starter
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One day at a time, Fallen. Also, think about getting some new friends when the dust settles. True friends would have told you the truth, even if painful.
I can't let several 25 year friendships go down the drain. These girls are my childhood friends and they've been there for me and I for them since kindergarten. Their the ones keeping me afloat. If I let them go I'll end up in a hospital. I'm already spiraling downhill at a rapid rate. I think I'm severely depressed and probably need to go to a doctor or therapist.

I'm not doing well at all. Literally everything makes me cry. I just want to sleep all the time and I don't each much. I don't enjoy things anymore. I don't want to be around anyone, I just would rather be alone. I know I need help and I guess that's one good thing, that I know I need it.
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post #102 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 06:01 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

This is a grieving process you must go through, the sun will come out and you will get through and be glad you decided to stop living the limbo you were in
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post #103 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 06:10 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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One day at a time, Fallen. Also, think about getting some new friends when the dust settles. True friends would have told you the truth, even if painful.
Some of us suggested a year ago that he was not faithful. It was not well received. I think her IRL friends realized that, too, and acted accordingly.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #104 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 06:12 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
I think you are making gross generalisations. In my case for example I gave up a good career where I was earning more than my husband to look after kids and travel around the world (it sounds great but not so exciting when you do it for the umpteeth time looking for schools, homes, new network, etc) to support his career. If following your logic we were to divorce, I should be getting my own job and getting on with it. I do now have a full time good paying job due but the point is I did everything while he worked so the wealth created we did it together (anyway my H is useless with money and i am the saving and investing kind of gal). So in our scenario would it be 'fair' in your opinion if I get nothing just because the kids no longer need financing let's say. I would think that is grossly unfair. I ought to seek lost earnings and compensation for domestic support services which based on peer reviewed research the domestic support alone equates to approx USD65,000 per annum. Men cannot earn and create wealth without having domestic support and knowing their family, household, etc is being taken care of. Unfortunately, too many put no value on this at all, no wonder many females don't want to marry or have families.

Just saying!
Fabulous post, aine.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #105 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 09:26 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
It's amazing the amount of secrets that have been kept from me for 12 years! Jesus Christ! I have a list now of 12 girls he was inappropriate with, not physically but sending them messages like "I'd pay to look at you" and "you know you're beautiful, my wife won't even let me look at her". Ugh and they were all friends except the one who he did cheat on me with. Thank god my friends were decent enough to shut him down. It's just too bad they didn't tell me sooner.

I understand not wanting to hurt me, especially when they thought everything between he and I was ok. But damn it stings. Now I just gotta get him out of my life and figure out how to rebuild from nothing.
It's not even worth knowing, really! I husband too was secretly doing things and seeking women. I know some of it and what I know is enough. I have a feeling what I don't know would probably shock me. Hang in there, remember his issues are his issues and have nothing to do with you. Keep pressing fwd!!
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