He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 143Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #121 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 07:15 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,944
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
That's how it started. I removed her as a friend on Facebook and she went crazy telling me I shouldn't take my anger out on her and that if I remove her I best remove her husband and kid too. Then this morning I got a worse message, a text no less. I have been in tears all day long and I told my husband to tell her to back off and if she doesn't leave me alone I'll file harassment charges on her.
Posted via Mobile Device
Don't block her just filter the messages you don't want her to see. She is not your friend. Blood is thicker than water and she probably wants to have a foot in the issues in your marriage, do not let her. Explain to her that right now, you have a lot on your plate and if she wants to be supportive she must leave you alone to lick your wounds and heal. Do not let her drama derail your from what you must do.

If she had any consideration she would know this but she obviously doesn't care for you only herself. Let her fuss and fume, that is her problem, do not succumb to the drama

aine is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #122 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 07:18 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,944
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
How can you say that? Divorce isn't a good thing. I'm heartbroken. I didn't marry my husband so I could divorce him 9 years later. For heavens sake today is our anniversary and I'm trying to figure out how to respond to a divorce decree.
Fallen, I know you feel terrible and you now think it is the end of the world. But your WH is not going to suddenly change his mind or treat you better, it is what it is. I do not want to sound harsh or lacking in empathy cause I know the pain is deep and soul destroying but the sooner you start pulling yourself up and looking towards a future (which can be very bright) without him the better. He has treated you terribly, get angry or get mad. Make sure you go for counselling, join a church, a group something to look outwards from the problem.
aine is offline  
post #123 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:33 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,376
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Are you upset because he filed before you could? Or is it the fact that the divorce is real now that it's filed? I think most of us who have been through a divorce felt at that moment it was the end of the world -- but the truth is it's not. I thought my 45 year marriage was forever and that turned out not to be true. It's absolutely okay to mourn the end of your marriage but don't let it paralyze you and keep you from doing what you need to do to protect yourself. First, organize a trip and get your stuff. Then make a list of what you need to do and another list of what you want to do. I felt better when I could cross things off my list and know I was closer to where I needed to be.

You'll get through this.
Openminded is offline  
 
post #124 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:35 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I'll consider everything that's been said. I appreciate everyone's input. It's been made very complicated with him in one state and me and our daughter in another. I've spent all day on the phone and have been given hardly any answers as to what I can do and I have 19 days now to get an answer back to the courthouse down there.

I'm so tired. So so tired.
Posted via Mobile Device
fallen22 is offline  
post #125 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
Are you upset because he filed before you could? Or is it the fact that the divorce is real now that it's filed? I think most of us who have been through a divorce felt at that moment it was the end of the world -- but the truth is it's not. I thought my 45 year marriage was forever and that turned out not to be true. It's absolutely okay to mourn the end of your marriage but don't let it paralyze you and keep you from doing what you need to do to protect yourself. First, organize a trip and get your stuff. Then make a list of what you need to do and another list of what you want to do. I felt better when I could cross things off my list and know I was closer to where I needed to be.

You'll get through this.
I'm upset because papers have been filed and now it's real. I couldn't get myself to file papers and now I'm paying for it. I called a women's resource center today and have a meeting with an attorney this afternoon. I have less than 20 days now to get papers back to Nevada. I'm going to file a parenting plan and file for custody if I can. I was told by another attorney I could file for custody once my six month mark of being in Montana had passed and it has. He's asking for primary custody on the divorce papers and I can't stand the thought of my daughter being taken from me too.

She came with me when I left because he told me to take her with me. That we needed our space and she came with me. Now he wants her back. I can't lose my daughter too. It's hard enough losing my husband and marriage. I won't go get my things until the divorce is final. My cousin will be taking me and he'll keep me safe.
Posted via Mobile Device
fallen22 is offline  
post #126 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-18-2016, 09:56 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
For anyone who has gone through divorce with children, I need your honest opinion. He filed first, in Nevada, one day before my six month residency in Montana had occurred. So Nevada has jurisdiction over everything.

I can get jurisdiction changed but it isn't likely it will happen. My attorney told me the best thing to do right now is just send back the divorce answer papers and include why she would be better off with me. She's already established here, in school here, enrolled in the after school program which is also a summer program that includes trips to the pool and swimming lessons. My entire family is here to help, she and I have a huge support system here.

He doesn't have that in Nevada and his work hours are very long. He also works 8 days on and 6 off, roughly 10-11 hour days with no way to get her to school in the morning and have her picked up. If the bus were to take her after school I don't know where she'd go. The bus can't pick her up because she'd be home alone. He leaves for work around 5-5:30 in the morning and doesn't typically get home till 4:30 or 5.

My question is: what are the chances the judge will grant me primary custody? I work 7-8 hours a day and have Friday's off which she is also off from school here. My mom and sister both work until 2 pm and can pick her up from school if I needed them to. I also have two cousins, an uncle and a brother in law here. They also will watch her for me if need be. We've been here a little over six months and have not left the state. The benefits for her here far outweigh those she'd have in Nevada.

I can't lose my daughter because he made bad choices and wanted a divorce when I wanted to reconcile.

Last edited by fallen22; 07-19-2016 at 10:26 AM. Reason: @Openminded- what do you think?
fallen22 is offline  
post #127 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-19-2016, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
fallen22 is offline  
post #128 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-19-2016, 09:56 PM
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,662
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
Anyone??
The question is hard to answer because of all the unknowns. In some jurisdictions a woman is almost always guaranteed to get custody no matter who may be the better parent. Some judges will almost always go with a 50/50 split in order to not decide who a better parent may be.

You being in a different state complicates things. It's standard fare in divorce that both spouses ask for primary custody because of the child support implications.

The more prepared with parenting plan etc etc the better chance you have. Just telling a judge you can't live without the child does little to sway opinion. Once a judge is assigned a lawyer will be better able to tell you how that judge views/rules in custody cases. Most judges follow a pretty consistent pattern.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
honcho is online now  
post #129 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 12:44 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
He doesn't have an attorney. The divorce papers were filed by him. I also don't have one right at the moment but I should be getting one soon.

I'm not sure if I can file a parenting plan or not. I know I had to wait for divorce papers to be filed to do that but he filed in Nevada. I'm having to respond with Nevada papers which I was able to find online. Should I file a Montana parenting plan since that is where she and I live?

I got a text from him tonight asking for time with her, that he can't come up here to see her because he can't afford it and needs and wants time with her. I understand that and want her to have time with her dad but I know he knows that right now if she were to leave the state he would have custody of her. What do I do? I tried calling the attorney twice today, talked to his secretary twice and she left a message with him both times and I never heard back.

I'm panicking.
fallen22 is offline  
post #130 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 01:24 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,944
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
He doesn't have an attorney. The divorce papers were filed by him. I also don't have one right at the moment but I should be getting one soon.

I'm not sure if I can file a parenting plan or not. I know I had to wait for divorce papers to be filed to do that but he filed in Nevada. I'm having to respond with Nevada papers which I was able to find online. Should I file a Montana parenting plan since that is where she and I live?

I got a text from him tonight asking for time with her, that he can't come up here to see her because he can't afford it and needs and wants time with her. I understand that and want her to have time with her dad but I know he knows that right now if she were to leave the state he would have custody of her. What do I do? I tried calling the attorney twice today, talked to his secretary twice and she left a message with him both times and I never heard back.

I'm panicking.
From here on out keep a record every conversation (tape it) and everything written. Tell him he can see his daughter but you are not travelling to see him, you don't have the money either. HIs lack of money is not your problem. Start thinking as a single mother, you owe your H nothing.

aine is offline  
post #131 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 09:25 AM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,290
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Considering he has lived in a seperate state for 6 months, I doubt he'd get full custody unless you screw up. One possible way to screw up is to give the impression you are denying parenting time. You don't want to be accused of parental alienation. BUT, you can certainly tell your STBXH that you cannot take a trip to his state due to work and finances, invite him to visit the child in your state, and offer to have your child use Skype to talk to him.

I have the feeling his text about visiting with your shared child was more or less him trying to get evidence that you are inhibiting parenting time. Be very careful how you respond to anything and everything sent by him or his family/friends. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court. Anything they can do to make you look unstable or like you hate them and will poison the child against them may come back to bite you in the azz, even if it wasn't your intention. They can take things out of context, so be very careful with phrasing.

You are now at war. His family and friends are the enemy. Delete them from social media. All of them. Ignore their emails and texts. DO NOT get sucked into arguments, debates, or drama.

By the way, I'd bet my last $5 your STBXH waited until the near the 6 month residency mark to file on purpose. I'd also bet his OW is his daycare plan.
MJJEAN is online now  
post #132 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Considering he has lived in a seperate state for 6 months, I doubt he'd get full custody unless you screw up. One possible way to screw up is to give the impression you are denying parenting time. You don't want to be accused of parental alienation. BUT, you can certainly tell your STBXH that you cannot take a trip to his state due to work and finances, invite him to visit the child in your state, and offer to have your child use Skype to talk to him.

I have the feeling his text about visiting with your shared child was more or less him trying to get evidence that you are inhibiting parenting time. Be very careful how you respond to anything and everything sent by him or his family/friends. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court. Anything they can do to make you look unstable or like you hate them and will poison the child against them may come back to bite you in the azz, even if it wasn't your intention. They can take things out of context, so be very careful with phrasing.

You are now at war. His family and friends are the enemy. Delete them from social media. All of them. Ignore their emails and texts. DO NOT get sucked into arguments, debates, or drama.

By the way, I'd bet my last $5 your STBXH waited until the near the 6 month residency mark to file on purpose. I'd also bet his OW is his daycare plan.
I responded to his text with this: "I understand you need and want time with her and I want that for her and you too. But as it stands you filed for custody and that means that she goes with you in a month unless the judge decides otherwise. I don't want to give up my last month I have with her if the judge rules in favor of your request. I would like to wait and see what the judge says. I feel that's fair."

The only person in his family I speak to is my mother in law. I trust her completely, she's always supported me. Everyone else, no I do not contact them or respond to them if they contact me. I'm sure that he did file one day before on purpose. His psychotic sister probably put him up to it. She's crazy. I honestly don't believe he's still seeing the other woman, she has just as crazy of a schedule as he does, she's an exploration geologist and has her life wrapped up in her work. People in mining rarely have free time. Their work hours are long and unaccommodating.

You can learn to fly, on the way down - Mattie & Tae
fallen22 is offline  
post #133 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 10:18 AM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,290
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@fallen22

Yeah, I thought my exMIL was my friend, too, as I trusted her and she was always supportive of me. Took me about 4 years after the divorce was final to realize her son was her priority and that anything I said to her or did in her presence made it immediately back to my exH.

I also thought the last OW wsa out of the picture and allowed my exH to take the girls for his weekend visitation. Sunday, he notified me he wasn't giving them back as his OW could watch them while he was at work. The ONLY reason I was able to get my girls back without having to fight it out in court was that the OW I thought was out of the picture decided watching a 6 year old and a 1 year old was too much bother.

Trust those of us who have been there. His family is NOT your family anymore and if he doesn't still have an OW, I'm a virgin.
MJJEAN is online now  
post #134 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
fallen22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 56
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

@MJJEAN

I understand what you're telling me. I really do. I have plenty of people in my family who can vouch for my mother in law. My brother in laws ex wife can also say the same thing. She was always there for both of us. They are still good friends. I realize you're trying to protect me from more heartache but I can promise I have nothing to worry about with her. My MIL's step daughter, my husbands half sister, tries to bully and control my MIL. I have seen it first hand. The way she now treats me because of the divorce is how she has treated my MIL for years, since she was a kid. I can promise you that my MIL is an honest, loving person. I won't allow anyone to sway my opinion of her. I'm the only one here who knows her. I am as close to her as my own mother, and my mom can attest to her trustworthiness as well.

As far as the other woman goes, I don't know. Honestly don't care anymore. What concerns me with it is if my daughter is granted primary custody to her dad, and she is there. I don't know how to handle that one.

You can learn to fly, on the way down - Mattie & Tae
fallen22 is offline  
post #135 of 139 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 12:52 PM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,290
Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
@MJJEAN

I understand what you're telling me. I really do. I have plenty of people in my family who can vouch for my mother in law. My brother in laws ex wife can also say the same thing. She was always there for both of us. They are still good friends. I realize you're trying to protect me from more heartache but I can promise I have nothing to worry about with her. My MIL's step daughter, my husbands half sister, tries to bully and control my MIL. I have seen it first hand. The way she now treats me because of the divorce is how she has treated my MIL for years, since she was a kid. I can promise you that my MIL is an honest, loving person. I won't allow anyone to sway my opinion of her. I'm the only one here who knows her. I am as close to her as my own mother, and my mom can attest to her trustworthiness as well.

As far as the other woman goes, I don't know. Honestly don't care anymore. What concerns me with it is if my daughter is granted primary custody to her dad, and she is there. I don't know how to handle that one.
Just be careful what you tell her anyway. She doesn't need to know anything sensitive that she could accidentally let slip to your STBX.

The reality is that there isn't much you can do about the OW being around your child, if there still is one, unless she has done something provable to indicate she is a danger to the child. Some states allow morality clauses. Usually, the morality clause says no unrelated members of the opposite sex can stay in the home when the child is in residence. However, that doesn't mean that the opposite sex person can't be there from, say, 9 am until 2 am. Long as they don't sleep over.

Can you prove your STBXH told you to take your little girl with you out of state? That would likely go a long way toward making sure your STBXH doesn't get primary custody.
MJJEAN is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
heartache, separation divorce

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome