He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

It's been several months since I've been on the forum. Some on here may recognize me. My marital issues started to escalate back in September when my husband moved from our room to the guest room. Fast forward to December and I discover he'd had an affair. Right after Christmas I moved back home with my daughter because I had no where else to go, so we are separated, emotionally and psychically by 600 miles. I didn't want to leave, I told him I wanted to stay and work it out, he said he needed time and space to think so I left with our daughter and went back home to the northwest.

He's visited roughly once a month since I've been here. It's been five months since I left. Now it's gotten to the point where he doesn't speak to me at all unless it's to find out what time he can call our daughter. I don't want a divorce and I've told him so. He said he doesn't see any other solution, but we have not done everything possible to try and save our marriage. I can't move on, either with him or without him, without knowing we tried everything possible to fix this. I'm still in love with him. He says he loves me but isn't in love. I don't feel this is true, or if it is, that it isn't a permanent thing. I feel that he isn't in love with me all the time. That's understandable because I feel that way too sometimes. But I AM in love with him and I want to make our marriage work.

I had recently discovered he'd been inappropriate with numerous friends of mine, not sexually mind you, but just inappropriate for someone who's in a relationship. This had evidently been going on for about 11 of our 12 year relationship (married for almost 9 years now). He admitted to his family he ****ed up big time and doesn't think he can fix it. He tells them that but tells me he doesn't see any other way to fix this except with divorce but he's been threatening that with me for over a year! If he wanted a divorce he'd have filed by now and been done with it.

I don't want a divorce and I wont' file. Our daughter is heartbroken. I asked her if she ever had to choose who she'd want to live with between myself and her dad she said both. There was no hesitation whatsoever.

Any advice is appreciated. No rude or nasty comments please.

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post #2 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 07:39 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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Originally Posted by fallen22 View Post
It's been several months since I've been on the forum. Some on here may recognize me. My marital issues started to escalate back in September when my husband moved from our room to the guest room. Fast forward to December and I discover he'd had an affair. Right after Christmas I moved back home with my daughter because I had no where else to go, so we are separated, emotionally and psychically by 600 miles. I didn't want to leave, I told him I wanted to stay and work it out, he said he needed time and space to think so I left with our daughter and went back home to the northwest.

He's visited roughly once a month since I've been here. It's been five months since I left. Now it's gotten to the point where he doesn't speak to me at all unless it's to find out what time he can call our daughter. I don't want a divorce and I've told him so. He said he doesn't see any other solution, but we have not done everything possible to try and save our marriage. I can't move on, either with him or without him, without knowing we tried everything possible to fix this. I'm still in love with him. He says he loves me but isn't in love. I don't feel this is true, or if it is, that it isn't a permanent thing. I feel that he isn't in love with me all the time. That's understandable because I feel that way too sometimes. But I AM in love with him and I want to make our marriage work.

I had recently discovered he'd been inappropriate with numerous friends of mine, not sexually mind you, but just inappropriate for someone who's in a relationship. This had evidently been going on for about 11 of our 12 year relationship (married for almost 9 years now). He admitted to his family he ****ed up big time and doesn't think he can fix it. He tells them that but tells me he doesn't see any other way to fix this except with divorce but he's been threatening that with me for over a year! If he wanted a divorce he'd have filed by now and been done with it.

I don't want a divorce and I wont' file. Our daughter is heartbroken. I asked her if she ever had to choose who she'd want to live with between myself and her dad she said both. There was no hesitation whatsoever.

Any advice is appreciated. No rude or nasty comments please.
He is actually being relatively decent for an admitted cheater. I would bet he took the affair under ground...OR he did end it and is ashamed, but knows he is not cut out and too flawed to watch your pain. He is allowing you to heal unfettered with his moral dysfunction.

If he is still in the affair he may want to end things with you before taking up with her officially. Maybe he wants you to be super nice in the divorce (i dont know) But if he is still involved in the affair its a safe bet that he would want a divorce.

Now if he is not maybe he actually gets he is narcissistic and too selfish to help you process his actions.

I hope i wasnt nasty...Things can get that way here. But read the advice and take what you need away. You dont need to agree.
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post #3 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 07:47 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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It's been several months since I've been on the forum. Some on here may recognize me. My marital issues started to escalate back in September when my husband moved from our room to the guest room. Fast forward to December and I discover he'd had an affair. Right after Christmas I moved back home with my daughter because I had no where else to go, so we are separated, emotionally and psychically by 600 miles. I didn't want to leave, I told him I wanted to stay and work it out, he said he needed time and space to think so I left with our daughter and went back home to the northwest.

He's visited roughly once a month since I've been here. It's been five months since I left. Now it's gotten to the point where he doesn't speak to me at all unless it's to find out what time he can call our daughter. I don't want a divorce and I've told him so. He said he doesn't see any other solution, but we have not done everything possible to try and save our marriage. I can't move on, either with him or without him, without knowing we tried everything possible to fix this. I'm still in love with him. He says he loves me but isn't in love. I don't feel this is true, or if it is, that it isn't a permanent thing. I feel that he isn't in love with me all the time. That's understandable because I feel that way too sometimes. But I AM in love with him and I want to make our marriage work.

I had recently discovered he'd been inappropriate with numerous friends of mine, not sexually mind you, but just inappropriate for someone who's in a relationship. This had evidently been going on for about 11 of our 12 year relationship (married for almost 9 years now). He admitted to his family he ****ed up big time and doesn't think he can fix it. He tells them that but tells me he doesn't see any other way to fix this except with divorce but he's been threatening that with me for over a year! If he wanted a divorce he'd have filed by now and been done with it.

I don't want a divorce and I wont' file. Our daughter is heartbroken. I asked her if she ever had to choose who she'd want to live with between myself and her dad she said both. There was no hesitation whatsoever.

Any advice is appreciated. No rude or nasty comments please.
Get on with your life. Go back to being the interesting and vivacious woman you were before you married him.
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post #4 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 07:56 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Any man who could go seeing his child just once a month is not worth fighting for. Do you want to hear sweet words or the truth? Move on.

Stop complaining about what you don't have...start enjoying what you do have.
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post #5 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 07:58 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I am truly sorry this is happening to you.

If he doesn't file and you don't want to end the marriage, then wait it out. How are you dealing with finances?

Seeing your daughter once a month is not good for his relationship with her. He says he loves you but is not in love with you.

You know that's the speech. He loves you as a sister or a close relative. Is that good enough for you? He doesn't want to work on the marriage for whatever reason. You can't force that dear.

It has been 5 months. What is it that you want that is possible at this time?

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #6 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 10:14 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

Your playing the waiting game as many of us have done and it's usually the worst approach as many have learned the hard way. He has learned to live the single life. It's also rare the wayward files for divorce. He has no incentive to do it. You have tolerated the current situation so he has no reason to change his behaviors.

You want to try "everything", you can't because he doesn't want to. What he is telling your family is lip service as he has no willingness to address the problems.

You need to file, he won't and you need to start the clock on ending your own limbo. Either he will realize the marriage is worth trying to save or he wont. You not filing only let's him not make decisions, your not going anywhere so he doesn't need to.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #7 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 10:36 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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Any man who could go seeing his child just once a month is not worth fighting for. Do you want to hear sweet words or the truth? Move on.
They are separated by 600 miles so that has to be taken into account, he likely has a job he can't leave and other responsibilities. It was her who relocated causing it (she had nowhere else to go so I get it). I would bet the separation is very tough on him.

That said OP I feel for you, the feeling of loving someone and not having that returned, especially after years of being a family is worse than anything I can think of.
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post #8 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 11:24 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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That said OP I feel for you, the feeling of loving someone and not having that returned, especially after years of being a family is worse than anything I can think of.
Yup, limbo socks rocks!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #9 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 05:11 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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They are separated by 600 miles so that has to be taken into account, he likely has a job he can't leave and other responsibilities. It was her who relocated causing it (she had nowhere else to go so I get it). I would bet the separation is very tough on him.

That said OP I feel for you, the feeling of loving someone and not having that returned, especially after years of being a family is worse than anything I can think of.
By her account he just let her leave. As a parent you have a say in where your child lives. I would never allowed that.

Stop complaining about what you don't have...start enjoying what you do have.
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post #10 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 10:54 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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By her account he just let her leave. As a parent you have a say in where your child lives. I would never allowed that.
I completely agree with richie33 here. He can't say he doesn't love his daughter, but his actions don't correlate with this. Him letting them live so far away was very telling and convenient for him as well.

He can start new without any emotional responsibilities, maybe even no financial responsibilities as well.

I wonder if he pays all of their bills including rent for their separate housing arrangement? Does fallen still have access to his money or has this changed to his benefit too?


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #11 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 11:29 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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By her account he just let her leave. As a parent you have a say in where your child lives. I would never allowed that.
The wife had no money, she had nowhere to stay, he may be transferring and looking for work to be closer, life's hard, not everyone has the means to simply pick up and split a household and keep everything stable.
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post #12 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 11:36 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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The wife had no money, she had nowhere to stay, he may be transferring and looking for work to be closer, life's hard, not everyone has the means to simply pick up and split a household and keep everything stable.
We probably need more feedback from Fallen in regards to husband being financially responsible or not. Him sending then off to live with her family is not helping. He is far more detached emotionally as well as distance wise from both of them. Is it any wonder he doesn't love her anymore like a husband should love his wife?

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #13 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 10:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

I don't want to address each of you individually so I'll do my best so answer the unknown here. Yes, I still have access to OUR bank account. I use it rarely. I am working as an office manager for my cousins body shop. My family has helped me tremendously. Yes, he did ask me to leave. I had initially agreed it was for the best and a few days had passed and I told him I did not want to go, as I couldn't understand how we could fix anything if I did so. I have not been back to Nevada since I left in January.
@Bibi1031, what I want right now that is possible is to just try and be as happy as I can. I'm so tired of crying. Every time he'd come up for a visit I of course being so stinking weak and naive, wanted to be intimate with him because I miss him and love him terribly and every time he'd leave and go back to Nevada we'd fight terribly. It has gotten to the point where we barely speak. I mean like once a week we might speak, and it's just a few words. He doesn't contact me except to ask when he can call our daughter. That is it.
@knobcreek...yes I had no where else to go but back to Montana. I have no family anywhere else. I lived in Nevada with my husband because I am his wife and I of course go where he goes. He is an engineer and has absolutely no intentions of leaving his job, even though before I left to come to Montana he told me after we get this all sorted out we'd leave and never go back. So much for that I guess.

Yes, he still pays all the bills, I cover my student loans and other expenses here. I am living with my mom (yes, it sucks) but I had no where else to go. So I have no rent at the moment. I literally get sick at the thought of filing for divorce, but I almost feel like I have no other choice at this point. My cousin, who I mentioned I work for, has offered to take me to Nevada with his truck and trailer to get all of mine and my daughters things. Should that be done before or after filing for divorce, if in fact I can actually get myself to do it?

He told his dad he ****ed up royally and didn't know if he could still fix it, but then he tells me the exact opposite, such as "I'm done and I don't see what else to do than file for divorce". But he tells his family he wants it to work and misses his family. I have figured out right quick and in a hurry that he is a narcissist to the tee. I'm torn, it's not so easy to just walk away from a 12 year relationship and an almost 9 year marriage, especially with a 7 year old little girl who adores her father.

Last edited by fallen22; 06-13-2016 at 09:35 AM.
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post #14 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 10:57 PM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

If he is NPD then he is incapable of true love towards you or his daughter. You will need to hold him accountable I'm afraid. You need to file for divorce and get a good lawyer and lawyer up.

At least get the ball rolling, you don't have to go through with the divorce, but do this before you go and get your things in Nevada.

He is trying to play the nice guy in front of his family, but shows his true colors with you!

I'm sorry you have been deceived by him. Don't hesitate, run as far away from him as you can. You are of no use to him anymore. He will only hurt you.

Seek counseling for you and your precious little girl. Stay where you have support. I'm glad your mom is willing to have you there, but I'm sure she could use help with the bills and other things too. Make your husband accountable for HIS daughter's well being.
@Uptown is a great source in regards to PD. He can help you find resources when dealing with a spouse that is ill like yours.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.

Last edited by Bibi1031; 06-11-2016 at 11:02 PM.
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post #15 of 139 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 08:03 AM
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Re: He says he wants divorce, I don't think he does and I sure don't

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I have figured out right quick and in a hurry that he is a narcissist to the tee.
Fallen, I agree with @Bibi1031 that, if your H were a full-blown narcissist, he would be "incapable of true love towards you or his daughter." This is not what you're describing. On the contrary, you say he loves you but "he isn't in love with me all the time."

If you feel comfortable doing so, please tell us what his "inappropriate behavior" was with your female friends. You only say that it was nonsexual but it went on for 11 years.
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