This is the exact words from the letter I sent
I don’t blame you for being angry with me I deserve it for the pain you have suffered. I can never take that away but I can do everything possible to ensure it never happens again if I am lucky enough and you let an old fool like me show you just how happy we can be again.
Same comments from my 1st post^
She also said that I stopped involving myself in her life. This all came about several years ago because she did not get along with my sister and because of that she disrespected my father and his girlfriend. For a 2 year period of time she refused to go to anything that had to do with my side of the family and I had to take my son go without her. During that same 2 years I continued to go to all events with her side of the family but then decided that was not right. So I did as she did and told her that I would no longer go see her family until she would start seeing my family again.
I'll give you some insight. Years back, my old self suffered some challenges and was left with crippling anxiety. The decision was made to do serious self-development. It eventually branched out to self-development in the relationship context. Long story short, the first thing you have to do is to stop taking things personally and be extremely responsible to the relationship. When you go this route, you will very quickly realize that you stand alone. You will clean up your externalized negativity, and others will still be acting as they were, all along. What is this? It is fairness. It is a concept that will only derail a relationship from a healthy course.
What is one person standing in an open field, wearing armor and equipped with a sword? What happens if they are swinging the sword about wildly?
Now take a 2nd person doing the same, directed at one another. This is now a battle, and the first example was nothing. Acting on fairness will confirm that the relationship will be heading to the battlefield. It cannot go there with one person. I'm not saying it is easy to take an upset partner off the battlefield, but it is a much better option to try that, rather than joining them there.
She would always go running around on the weekends with our son such as shopping and to see her Uncle because she hated the condo so much she could not stay there and just take it easy for the day but had to "Get Out" for the day. Sometimes I could not go places with her because of my back and hips and this then turned into me being excluded from her life. I would wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings to an empty house not knowing where they went or when they would be back. They would be gone the entire day and night getting home just 10-15 minutes before their bedtime. They would walk in and then it was time to get ready for bed cause they had a long day and were tired. For at least the last year I sat home alone and hungry while they were doing whatever and had dinner without me. I would end up having a turkey or bologna sandwich after they went to bed and can't tell you how sick I am of turkey and bolonga sandwiches. I was never told what their plans were and was not asked anymore if I wanted to come along.
It appears the disconnecting has taken place a long time ago. With disconnection, problems arise that would never do so if the connection never deteriorated.
She claimed that my son was angry with me because he didn't have a father anymore. I said thats nonesense as I have not changed and am still the same father I've been for the last 13 years of his life. He just turned on me overnight and would just stare at me like I was an axe murder or something. I always picked him up from school and had done so since he was in pre-school. One day everything was normal and the very next day I picked him up he didn't say a word the whole way home. Then went got home and he would just give me that look and then grab the phone and go outside. At first I thought he was calling one of his friends and knew that kids his age didn't want mom and dad hearing what they talked about. But this same pattern happened everyday and so I went online and checked the call history to see if indeed it was a friend he was calling. It turned out that he was calling his mom and his grand uncle everyday and not a friend. I told my wife what he was doing and said I don't have a problem with who he was calling but that it was suspious that he went outside everytime to do so. She didn't think much of it and just said he liked going outside. I said it is suspious because he would always go outside and if he had nothing to hide he would sometimes call from inside. She thought I was being a jerk accusing him of hiding something and should just feel the same as her that he just likes going outside. She would defend him on anything and I was always the ahole for accusing him of doing something wrong. He would also bring the phone back in and then go right back outside and it became apparent that he not only didn't want to be in the same room as me but didn't want to be in the same house as me. This all started just after he started spending more time at his uncle's house. What I think is the uncle turned him against me and then used that to manipulated my wife into thinking I was a bad dad which then ended in the separation. That is why I wish I could get her to go stay some where else because I think that she starts to cool down and then her uncle just winds her right back up.
You're the bad guy and any attempt to change her living situation just confirms their perception of that. I understand that you are in a terrible situation, having those you love turn on you. That said, there are approaches that can hurt or help. I recommend you take more of a factual approach to life, full of acceptance and understanding.
My back and hip issues are exstensive and I got most of them from my mom. I have a crooked sacrum (the triangular bone at the end of the spine by the pelvis) which causes crooked hips. I also have scoliosis which is pretty extreme but not enough that I have to wear a brace. In my mid back there is a section that comes out solid white in x-rays which is about 6-7 vertebrate long because all the cartilage is gone and non exsistent so the discs are bone on bone with no cushion. I have a protruding disc in my lumbar along with parts of my neck that the cartilage is deteriorated but not compltely gone like my back. And yes I work. It is very painful everyday but as I said it is something you learn to live with over the years.
It's odd that you qualify for no SSDI. I can't take away any of your physical pain, but hope it doesn't destroy your mood, entirely.
Again though everything she has told me the couple times we talked and what her family has told me it was mainly due to my lack of finding full time work and supporting the family. They said "she should not have to work her fingers to the bone and pay for most of everything". Also her uncle accused me of causing my son emotional abuse and what a shame it was that he had to sit outside and wait for his mother to get home. What he doesn't realize is I didn't yell at him or throw him out of the house or anything like that. It was my sons decision to do that. I would bring him home from school and he would walk in, put down his backpack, grab the phone and go outside. But of course he only hears what my wife tells him and not the whole story. That is another problem. No one on her side of the family will hear me out and has passed judgement soley on her side of the story. She is known to manipulate people by only telling carefully chosen parts of an issue to make her look like such a caring and wonderful wife and what a jerk I am for treating her badly. She seems to thrive on having people feel sorry for her even when they have been manipulated to do so.
I hear this story from many points of view, all of the time. I can offer you helpful, but tough to swallow advice.
Imagine you put your words in a box, and place it on the table. You let others open the box to hear your words. From there, they are free to do with them as they wish. She might even place her own words on the table. I advise you to not try to brush her words aside. Similarly, you have to just let them do what they wish with the various boxes of words. Any application of force, and you become the A$$ to them. They are aligned, and it is not about being factually right, but subjectively right. It is completely understandable, if you understand pride.
A quick example:
Instead of saying "no that's not true, I didn't do xyz, I did zyx"
stick to the facts, without brushing their words aside
Say "I did zyx"
It can feel rather uncomfortable, but when done right, it is very powerful. They could still make a prideful character attack against you, but it will be them that are left with a very uncomfortable feeling, as they attacked someone who gave no negativity or argument.
I cannot keep contacting her because I have been told by many that she was getting even more annoyed with me the few times I did and that I was pushing her farther away which I do not want to do.
I would expect nothing less, given the situation and your words/mindset. Remember, I am advising a different mindset and different choice of words. It is a very subtle approach. All you might say is "Hey, I love you guys" or "I was thinking about you guys today"
This is a minimum. If the contempt is great, then you just keep it to once per week or so.
I did not say things that were meant for instant gradification. I did the oppisite and told her I understand what she is going through and to take all the time she needs. Our anniversary has always been a very important day to both of us and was trying to be romantic but still understanding her needs. Again here is that part of the letter:
I am confident that, somewhere inside of you, there is a desire for her to reciprocate with some gratification. I am aware I am making an assertive assumption, but it is with empirical basis.
Next month on July 25 it will be our 17th anniversary. I would like you to think about that we both agree that will be the anniversary of our new life and marriage together if you are willing. So that every year from this anniversary we will celebrate 2 anniversaries, the new beginning of life together and the original marriage when you made me the luckiest man alive by becoming my beautiful wife. Just please come with me and let me show you just how good life can be again. Please take your time to think about it as I do not want you to feel pressured and let me know when you feel you are ready.
It isn't mean. It isn't desperate, necessarily. But it is a bit needy.
Consider this, can you give a message like this to a pretty lady in a bar, that you've never met? They will think you are crazy. But, we can use these same types of messages when we are madly in love, and that same lady...... that you married, will reciprocate.
To put it simply, the context for that type of message is wrong.
The main thing is she needs to stop being so angry and start talking to me. I don't mean she has to come running back home or even meet with me in person but after 2 month of "Having space" it is time to start talking and helping each other get through this and start working toward our future together instead of continuing to shut me out and not talk as she has done most of our marriage which caused most of our problems to begin with.
This perception will cause problems. It isn't that you are not "right", in ways, it is what the pride will inform you to do based upon it.
Connection saves marriages, not working/fighting for it. The basic idea is that an indirect approach is what works. So you remain loyal to the relationship (very specific context) and you maintain the connection. The connection fixes the problems for you. Your direct attention has to be on the connection.
More often than not, individuals think they are making the situation better, but are actually attacking the underlying connection.
Of course its not going to happen overnight, I never expected it to. I am a 54 year old man and have been around and understand life just a bit. All I am saying is she has had a months worth of space and I am even willing to give her most of this month if she needs it but she has to stop acting the way she is and start at least talking.
You have good intentions, but this will be expressed with pressure.
She doesn't have to do anything. She doesn't have to be nice or be mean. She is free to come or go, assuming you want her to come.
I say this, because I have to. I understand the pain you are in (physically, mentally, emotoinally). I could agree with everything you say, and side with you. But, I respect you to be able to handle the truth, and respect you to be able to consider an alternative. I am telling you that I am confident that your expressed mindset will stand in the way of reconciliation.
Once again I have been very understanding even though I sit here for an unknown amount of time not knowing what the heck is going on. We need to start the healing in order to ever reconsile and that's not going to happen until we start to talk. I asked her to go to counseling with me AFTER she has had the time she needs so that we can get the proper guidance we need. I told her that she can continue to live where she is during the counseling and then move back when she is ready. I do not see that as instant gradification but instead I see that as being caring and understanding and respecting her needs and mental state at this time. I stopped sounding needy after the 3rd day after the seperation and it is now a little over month since then.
I advise you to step back and re-evaluate things. To do so will require questioning everything you know, ultimately. The pain you feel is a tremendous challenge for you, and it will make this process harder. Yes, the sadness you feel will make reconciliation harder.
The thing is that you have to get past step 1 and step 2 for her to even consider counseling. You feel that counseling is step one. It isn't. She has a wall up and will resist jumping to step 3. So get in, under her radar, and get the first steps accomplished. After that is done, most individuals find that counseling isn't needed.