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Old 11-09-2011, 10:11 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

I have just been thinking that today hasn't been the worst day since the bomb. I have eaten better and I even cracked a joke (I am known for my humour)

I hope it continues
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Old 11-09-2011, 04:44 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

W been to solicitor today for advice. If she follows the advice given, I am screwed financially. Even if we draw up a legal separation agreement, it can be overruled at a later date if deemed unfair. (Scottish Law) My W is being very amicable just now but that may not last (what if I moved on quicker than her)

My only safe option is to agree to a settlement, which would require me to obtain a loan or a re-mortgage.

I need some time to consider my options now.
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Old 11-10-2011, 03:30 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

W got flat, leaves tomorrow

Wow that was quick

Desperately, trying to gather my thoughts here - this is a whirlwind
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Old 11-10-2011, 03:43 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

Sorry for venting but my head is spinning.

Part of me wants this to happen. Do I want to be with a woman who walks out on her kids?

She either has someone else or she is going through a serious MLC.

I'm a little angry tonight.
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Old 11-10-2011, 05:54 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

Out of-----calm down. This happens a lot. As a man, you have a decision to make. Are you willing to wait for her? She will be back. Can you forgive and can you wait? If you can, this experience will change your life for the good as a man. Most men can't wait. They can't change. The one's that do, most of them fall to pride. She is a mess, don't jump on the crazy train with her.
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Old 11-11-2011, 04:27 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

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Out of-----calm down. This happens a lot. As a man, you have a decision to make. Are you willing to wait for her? She will be back. Can you forgive and can you wait? If you can, this experience will change your life for the good as a man. Most men can't wait. They can't change. The one's that do, most of them fall to pride. She is a mess, don't jump on the crazy train with her.
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Thanks for the advice.

I am ok this morning and even though this is the official moving out day, I am at work as normal. Luckily, I have a lot of good people who are looking out for me.

It's too early to say whether I will wait for her or not. A lot will depend on her behaviour going forward. I will carry on with my life as best I can but at this point, she is not my focus.
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Old 11-11-2011, 12:44 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

My W just popped back to my house to collect some things. She said that she would pop back tomorrow for more stuff and to see the kids. She said that she didn't want the kids to think she was abandoning them - well, you know what? I bit my tongue. I said nothing.

The only thing I said was that you text me before you come.
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Old 11-11-2011, 01:35 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

Depend on her behaviour? It will be crazy, up and down, uncharacteristic of her to say the least. The real question lies in will you take this time to just work on you and wait. Don't analyze her as you will fry your brain.
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Old 11-11-2011, 03:02 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

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Depend on her behaviour? It will be crazy, up and down, uncharacteristic of her to say the least. The real question lies in will you take this time to just work on you and wait. Don't analyze her as you will fry your brain.
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When I said behaviour, what I meant was, whether she got involved with another man during her journey. At this point, I do not know how I would deal with that.

As for time, I have plenty. I will get on with my life but there will be no room for other women other than my normal chatting - I need a break from relationships.
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Old 11-11-2011, 04:26 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

Did my first online food shop tonight with the help of my daughter. I am sure she was taking advantage when she kept saying we normally get these Dad, oh and those as well, oh and............

I'll give her a little leeway for a few weeks :-)

She's been a Godsend during my first night without my wife
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Old 11-12-2011, 03:35 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Day one

Well, that's day one. Something I forgot to say, when my wife officially left last night, at the point of saying, I am going, she hesitated when all I said was Ok. This hesitation seemed to last for ever.

What was she looking for? Was she expecting me to break down and cry, beg her to stay or was she wanting me to wish her good luck? I don't know but she didn't get whatever she was looking for.

Today, she came to see the kids. She started to remind me of things that needed to be done, such as washing, ironing etc. I politely reminded her that those tasks were my responsibility, not hers, I said that I would make mistakes but I would learn from them. I told her I did not want her doing any organising in my home and that her only purpose for being here was to see the kids.

I don't think my stance is going down well. Believe me, I still love my wife but I am not about to make this easy for her.

Also bought some new clothes today and will be cooking dinner for my Mum tomorrow.

It's still difficult though and I have a long journey ahead.
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Old 11-12-2011, 04:42 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

Just got a text from my youngest daughter, who is out with her friend tonight.

She said, "did mum bother to come and see us and was she bothered that I wasn't there"

I replied that she was here and was disappointed that daughter was out.

I lied. My W barely mentioned that daughter was out.

Why didn't she simply send daughter a text.
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Old 11-12-2011, 07:57 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

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Looks like you're doing the right thing by "letting her go".

From reading your story, there are a few ideas that pop into my head.


1. She learned to hide her current EA or PA better.

2. Even people with low self esteem knows if someone loves them or not. Heck, a baby knows instinctively if you love him/her or not. Why cant an adult?

3. Take full advantage of her guilt right now and get her to sign (even if it's handwritten) and witnessed (by your adult daughters?) a financial and custody agreement favorable to you.

4. She probably feels that time is running out for her to see what sex/love with another man is like. And, to enjoy her independence as a single person? Mid-life crisis? Her impulses/desires are strong right now if she so dead set to leave.

Too weird. Same thing here.
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Old 11-12-2011, 07:59 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Where do I start?

Married 22 years
Three children, 21, 18 and 11


I came from a loving childhood but my W did not. She has suffered from chronic low self esteem since the day I met her and probably for most of her childhood. She was young when we married, only 18. I was 24. She was extremely possessive and regularly flew into jealous rages (throwing things or hitting me) if I spoke to someone else (male or female but worse when female). I could not be 10 minutes late without getting the third degree. This went on for years but decreased in regularity.

About four years ago my W took a shine to the son of our landlord, who would come to the house to do repairs. He only visited a handful of times but this was enough for my W to become smitten. She started to act like a teenager and I knew something was wrong. I also suspected a third party. At the time, she was in therapy and attributed her new mood to the work with the therapist. I knew differently (she's not a good liar) and after two months she admitted to me what had happened. She told me that she was attracted to this man and that she had told him this. When I asked what his response was, she said that he had told her that he was in a relationship but if he wasn't he may have been interested. I went to visit this man and asked him what had happened, he told me that he didn't know what to say when my W propositioned him. He agreed not to come to the house for any reason unless I was there. When I returned home and told my W that he was not interested, she cried. This went on for a few weeks. She assured me that nothing physical had happened but she still had feelings for this man.

We agreed to go to MC, which we did for a number of months. My W's behavior was described as child like by the C and she suggested that my W carried on IC to try to help with her low self esteem. We gave up the rented house and bought a house of our own. Things seemed to be much better between us. At this time my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and I was distraught. I also went to IC to help me deal with life's problems. My W gave me great support during the two years of his illness and for a year after his death (he died a year ago, tomorrow) She was with me every step of the way. She has been great with my Mum as well, giving her practical and emotional support. One month ago, we finally finished all that had to be done for my Mum, including relocation closer to us, so we could help her.


My W told me last Saturday that she didn't love me and wanted to separate. No, "I love you but not in love with you" rubbish, just a straight, "I have no feelings for you". She told me that since she felt this way, that she could not live with me any more. She said that, although this must be sudden for me, it was not for her. She said that she had been trying to make it work but it just wasn't. She said that events that took place previously had made her realise that I was not for her. She said that she wanted someone to make her feel special and that I didn't. Due to my W's low self esteem, she does not accept compliments or believe that someone could love her. All the attempts I have made through our marriage to let her know that I love her have been rebuked.

My daughters 18 & 21 are as shocked by this news as I am and they are very angry with my W. They have told her that if there is another man or she tries to take custody of their brother 11 or force the sale of the house, then she will never see them again. They have asked my W the same questions I have, as the are just as bewildered as me. They get the same answer. I do not love your Dad, I can't be here and I must do this for me. She has told me that she does not want me to sell the house, that I have done nothing wrong and she doesn't want to punish me any more than she is.

I have decided that as much as I love my W and always saw us growing old together, that I must let her go. I have told her that I love her, that I don't agree with what she is doing but that I accept her decision. I had suggested IC and MC but she has not taken up this suggestion as she now seems hellbent on getting out. She has been busy this week getting advice on housing and financials.

I somehow get the feeling that she is trying to find happiness on the outside as there is none on the inside. I also think that she sees this as a challenge as she has told me that she thinks I think she can't survive on her own. I told her that this was not a competition to me.

I am at a loss as to why she is doing this but I have decided that I must do a 180 for my own sake.

Sorry for the long post
That last paragraph has me re-assesing my own perception of my situation.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:00 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post

Sad that she'd just walk out on the kids. I couldn't imagine having to say a lie like that Thankfully, as deadbeat as my ex is, he texts our daughter every day and they talk quite a bit.
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