You were right in telling her that. She made the decision to leave you and the family home. She should not expect that she has the right to do those mundane things, no matter how much she misses them. But more importantly, what you stated about her giving the wrong message to the kids that she is back, is right on the money. She is being thoughtless in her behavior, but then that isn't new, is it?
She is being thoughtless in her behavior, but then that isn't new, is it?
Correct
-----------
After last night's txt my W didn't txt me until tonight asking what was happening with our son tomorrow as the teachers are on strike. I asked her if she wanted to see him as my mum or my D would watch him, she said she did, so I agreed. There will be no housework or dog walking this time.
She then txt saying that we must think about Christmas. I txt back, son will be with me Christmas day and he can be with you on Christmas night. She then txt back saying that D had suggested that she came for Christmas dinner. Well, I never expected her to mention that, even though she said it was D's suggestion. I txt back - I do not think it would be a good idea, since it would give son the wrong signals but she was welcome to see son on other days during the holidays. She txt back - I understand. I thought, at last, you are beginning to understand.
I realised today, with the affirmation from morituri, that I was taking the correct stance. It would be so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it's good to have her about the house, doing things but it is not. It would only be satisfying her needs, you know, those needs she abandoned for her new life. In reality, it wouldn't help me and it certainly wouldn't help my kids.
I feel much more in control of my life and more importantly, my kids are benefiting from me being in control of the situation.
Work was good today - more involved than lately - beginning to look at future projects.
Thought about W's recent behaviour. She is definitely missing the mundane chores she once, probably disliked. I thought about her txt last night, the one about Christmas day. I still can't believe she suggested it, not because she wasn't thinking about the effects such a proposition would have on our son but that she showed a little bit of weakness. That is not her.
Now, this is an important stage for those on the 180. Do not succumb to this apparent weakness, it may mean your spouse is having second thoughts, it may simply be a testing of the water but it also may mean absolutely nothing. Remember, your spouse is in never never land and may not be making sense.
You must continue to concentrate on yourself, make the changes needed to adapt to your new life and if you have kids, their lives. At this point you are probably still the only one in your relationship who is thinking straight, keep it that way.
Maybe she's experiencing a little of the old 'be careful what you wish for, you just might get it'.
Yep, I think so.
------------------
NC from W since the Christmas txt.
The thing is, this will be the first time in her life, my W has had to stand on her own two feet. When I think about it, she has never taken responsibility for any of her actions. Well, now she is out in the big, wide world, she will have to take responsibility. I won't be there for her, fixing things.
When I think back to our MC, our counselor said that my W's perception of the marriage was almost parent/child like. My W believed that she could behave badly but I would still be there to fix it. When I think of the time when she had her EA, I felt that she told me about it, not because she wanted to fix our marriage but that she wanted me to fix her fantasy.
Now that I've had a couple of weeks on my own (or is it three?), I have had time to reflect on her past behaviour. If she were to phone me tonight, wanting to come home, the answer would be no. Now, I am not saying that I don't still love my W because I do and I am not saying that I would never have her back because I would but I would need to think about it. A few weeks on her own, is not enough time for her to see what the big world is really like, to learn to accept responsibility, to rid herself of this childlike outlook on life.
The very least I would expect is some serious IC for my W and MC for both prior to any moving back.
Whatever happens from this point forward and whoever that is with, I can guarantee you this, my life will not be as it has been.
Not much to say today. Work was even better - starting to get back into things.
W taking son to cinema tomorrow, pleased about that.
Eldest D had a night in tonight, which is as rare as a white Christmas in Australia. I really enjoyed our chat, which lasted over an hour. We mostly discussed mum and what my D's were thinking about. It turns out, that my D's were more aware of my past struggles with their mum, than I thought. They are very proud of my attempts to keep our family together.
I told my eldest D that mums behaviour is because of her childhood and not to take it personally. I want my D's to be close to their mum but to also understand, that mum's past behaviour is not normal - it is a result of her childhood. I am not protecting W, I am protecting D's. I asked D to keep in contact with mum and to not let what is happening affect their relationship with mum.
I have always been a very positive person. I have needed to be. When a glass is somewhere in the middle, I don't see it has half empty, I don't see it as half full, I see it as full, just needing a top up, if that makes sense.
I hope W is ok - I feel for her. I will survive this, I hope she does as well.
When I dropped my son off today, I spoke with W for the first time in almost three weeks. We spoke mostly about finances and in particular our life insurances. She said that she couldn't afford to keep running her car - I thought, no **** Sherlock - I said I know, they are expensive to run.
I get the feeling that she is treading very carefully with her words even though I am being very relaxed in my approach. She mentioned Christmas day again. I said again, that I didn't think it would be a good idea, she said that we can explain to my son that she is just coming for the day. I said, what happens if you keep coming round to the house in this way and in six months time I meet someone else and you have to stop it, our son will go through another separation. I said, that is not fair. She didn't respond.
Why is she so desperate to come for Christmas day? Is it because of me? No, she left me. Is it because of the kids? maybe but she also left them. Is it because she will be lonely on Christmas day? maybe but that was her choice. What is she up to? The answer is still no.
Son went to cinema and McDonalds with W but didn't want to stay the night at W's flat.
Who knows what she is thinking. From what you write of her, she doesn't seem to be the type to open up and share her deepest thoughts and feelings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OutOfTheBlue
I said, what happens if you keep coming round to the house in this way and in six months time I meet someone else and you have to stop it, our son will go through another separation. I said, that is not fair. She didn't respond.
Good job. The more you show her what life will be like after the divorce, the more she will see that you are not her backup plan. The fact that you told her that you are open to having another woman in your life is something she probably never thought about. She's reaping what she's sown, and it may not be to her liking.
Who knows what she is thinking. From what you write of her, she doesn't seem to be the type to open up and share her deepest thoughts and feelings.
You are absolutely spot on. I didn't know that had come across in my writing. My W was never one to share her feelings. With an insecure person such as my W, sharing feelings makes them vulnerable, open to hurt. I always felt that she never showed affection, so that when I did the inevitable (cheat on her), it wouldn't hurt as much. Unfortunately, this negative approach caused an emotional separation in our marriage, which in turn caused my W to state that she wanted someone to make her feel special. No-one can make her feel special, she won't let them.
A little more background on my W. Between the ages of ten and twelve, prior to her parents splitting up, her mother would say things such as, you're dad is up at so and so's house having it away with his wife and her dad would say thing like, you're mother's at work having an affair with so and so.
After her parents split, they would try to use her as a messenger. Her dad would say things like, how is the **** today.
Now, I am not making excuses for my W. It's not her fault she was dealt a bad hand but it is her responsibility to play that hand as best she can. She didn't, she just accepted the bad hand and allowed it to govern her life.
My D said to me today, that she thought mum was wanting to come home for Christmas because she wasn't happy. She thinks that mum probably just wants to come home. I said to her that, that may be the case but it also may not. I explained that mum was used to me fixing things ( I didn't go into the parent/child relationship) and perhaps she was just expecting me to fix Christmas day for her. I also explained to D, that if mum wanted to come home, then mum would need to drive that and not me. I said that mum would need to learn that she can't up and leave as and when it suits, otherwise we could be in the same position in a year's time. I told her not to build her hopes up, as mum is going through a difficult time just now and what we think mum is thinking may not be the case. She has a mature head for an eighteen year old.
Anyway, after many culinary successes lately, my pork casserole was a disaster today - back to the drawing board on that one - dog was happy though
It was great how you explained the situation to your daughter so that she can see that you are not acting in an irrational and vengeful manner towards her mother. Good job.
It would seem to me that one of the deal breaker conditions for you to allow her to return would be that she willingly enter IC (individual counseling) so that she can address and resolve the issues that have prevented her from sharing with you her deepest thoughts and feelings (intimacy). She needs to know that you do not want to return to the old marriage and that she will have to put genuine effort to create a new marriage based on a healthier relationship dynamic that will satisfy both of your needs as husband and wife. If not, then the course will be set for divorce and the two of you going your separate ways.
It would seem to me that one of the deal breaker conditions for you to allow her to return would be that she willingly enter IC (individual counseling) so that she can address and resolve the issues that have prevented her from sharing with you her deepest thoughts and feelings (intimacy). She needs to know that you do not want to return to the old marriage and that she will have to put genuine effort to create a new marriage based on a healthier relationship dynamic that will satisfy both of your needs as husband and wife. If not, then the course will be set for divorce and the two of you going your separate ways.
I think you have a very good grasp on my situation morituri.
I also think that any reconciliation would be dependent on IC for my W, followed or combined with MC for both of us ( I am not perfect). One thing I am certain of, is that I will not be living my life as I was prior to the separation. If that is without my W, then so be it.
In fact, I have already began the journey of improving my life. I have reconnected with my kids and I am enjoying that. My daughters and me are speaking to each other at a level we've never achieved before. They are even being civil to each other Tonight, I started to remove the old storage heaters from the livingroom and because of that my daughters did ironing, washing up and took the dog for a walk. I think, they too are learning something.
I am also making decisions about household things, such as food, decor etc and it is liberating. Things that would take weeks or months to decide, I am deciding in a couple of days.
For the first time in ages, myself and my three kids were all together tonight and I said one of the lines from the you tube video of the talking dog (look for it - 73 million views - morituri, remember you said about watching comedy). I said "What was in there" in the same voice as the video and we all burst out laughing.
My W is more than welcome to join in with this new family bonding but she can only do this by taking responsibility for her behaviour and doing something about it. The choice is hers.
S is going to mum's flat tomorrow and D's are going on Saturday night.
Great update OutOfTheBlue. You and your kids are living life the way it is meant to be.
The youtube video you are referring, is it 'Ultimate Dog Tease'? If it is, it is hilarious. I can feel for the poor dog's plight regarding what his owner did with the bacon.
The youtube video you are referring, is it 'Ultimate Dog Tease'? If it is, it is hilarious. I can feel for the poor dog's plight regarding what his owner did with the bacon.
That's the one - it's hilarious alright. If anyone is feeling a bit down, play it, it will bring a smile to your face. Ultimate Dog Tease
Not much happening today. Son went to his mum's flat after school and returned tonight before I got in from work. I had filled an envelope full of school stuff that I had mostly dealt with but W needed to see.
One of the items, was my son's concert, which is taking place next week and you need to book your slot. The concert takes place on one day but there are two shows. My son returned tonight and said can you book mum's slot.
I txt W, saying I was going to afternoon show (I'm on holiday next week) and, which one did she want. She txt back - evening. That suits me. She said he needed certain clothes. I told her that I would contact school tomorrow and sort out what was needed.
Good day at work today. Had fun moving our Intranet and SQL server from one domain to another - lots of problems
I asked my D (18) to get some boxes from her work today, so we could pack some of mums stuff, which is sitting in the livingroom. I needed it clear for my holiday at the end of this week. D txt her mum to say what was happening and mum said she would come and collect her stuff. A few hours past and W had not appeared, so D txt her again. W txt back, saying that she would be there shortly. When she arrived, D asked her why she was so late. W said, because she didn't want the neighbours to see her taking stuff from the house, so she waited until it was dark. She said to D that she didn't want neighbours talking. D said that they already were - nothing bad, just amazement.
When my D told me this, I thought, Eh!, on the day my W left, I don't believe she was too concerned about what the neighbours thought. Her attitude has obviously changed.
W then proceeded to txt me five times asking about the new floor I was about to lay. Each time, I answered short and sweet. The temptation was there to ask her what the hell it had to do with her but I am in a good place just now, so I was polite. W said our D has been good, I answered, no, she has been brilliant.
All schools in the area are closed tomorrow at noon due to weather forecast, so W is coming to get S from school.
My mum is going to my S's concert with me next week, which is good for my S and for my mum.
Tonight, I decided to become a forum supporter. I have gained so much from this forum, that I have decided to support it. The financial outlay is small but hopefully helps. I know that there are a lot of people on here, who are in financial meltdown due to circumstances who are in no position to contribute but if you are ok financially and you are being helped from this forum, please consider supporting it.
Unfortunately, after we have moved on from the forum, there will be countless others who will face exactly what we are going through. I want to do my little bit to make sure they have the same support that we have just now.
339Likes
Re: My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post 
