I came from a loving childhood but my W did not. She has suffered from chronic low self esteem since the day I met her and probably for most of her childhood. She was young when we married, only 18. I was 24. She was extremely possessive and regularly flew into jealous rages (throwing things or hitting me) if I spoke to someone else (male or female but worse when female). I could not be 10 minutes late without getting the third degree. This went on for years but decreased in regularity.
About four years ago my W took a shine to the son of our landlord, who would come to the house to do repairs. He only visited a handful of times but this was enough for my W to become smitten. She started to act like a teenager and I knew something was wrong. I also suspected a third party. At the time, she was in therapy and attributed her new mood to the work with the therapist. I knew differently (she's not a good liar) and after two months she admitted to me what had happened. She told me that she was attracted to this man and that she had told him this. When I asked what his response was, she said that he had told her that he was in a relationship but if he wasn't he may have been interested. I went to visit this man and asked him what had happened, he told me that he didn't know what to say when my W propositioned him. He agreed not to come to the house for any reason unless I was there. When I returned home and told my W that he was not interested, she cried. This went on for a few weeks. She assured me that nothing physical had happened but she still had feelings for this man.
We agreed to go to MC, which we did for a number of months. My W's behavior was described as child like by the C and she suggested that my W carried on IC to try to help with her low self esteem. We gave up the rented house and bought a house of our own. Things seemed to be much better between us. At this time my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and I was distraught. I also went to IC to help me deal with life's problems. My W gave me great support during the two years of his illness and for a year after his death (he died a year ago, tomorrow) She was with me every step of the way. She has been great with my Mum as well, giving her practical and emotional support. One month ago, we finally finished all that had to be done for my Mum, including relocation closer to us, so we could help her.
My W told me last Saturday that she didn't love me and wanted to separate. No, "I love you but not in love with you" rubbish, just a straight, "I have no feelings for you". She told me that since she felt this way, that she could not live with me any more. She said that, although this must be sudden for me, it was not for her. She said that she had been trying to make it work but it just wasn't. She said that events that took place previously had made her realise that I was not for her. She said that she wanted someone to make her feel special and that I didn't. Due to my W's low self esteem, she does not accept compliments or believe that someone could love her. All the attempts I have made through our marriage to let her know that I love her have been rebuked.
My daughters 18 & 21 are as shocked by this news as I am and they are very angry with my W. They have told her that if there is another man or she tries to take custody of their brother 11 or force the sale of the house, then she will never see them again. They have asked my W the same questions I have, as the are just as bewildered as me. They get the same answer. I do not love your Dad, I can't be here and I must do this for me. She has told me that she does not want me to sell the house, that I have done nothing wrong and she doesn't want to punish me any more than she is.
I have decided that as much as I love my W and always saw us growing old together, that I must let her go. I have told her that I love her, that I don't agree with what she is doing but that I accept her decision. I had suggested IC and MC but she has not taken up this suggestion as she now seems hellbent on getting out. She has been busy this week getting advice on housing and financials.
I somehow get the feeling that she is trying to find happiness on the outside as there is none on the inside. I also think that she sees this as a challenge as she has told me that she thinks I think she can't survive on her own. I told her that this was not a competition to me.
I am at a loss as to why she is doing this but I have decided that I must do a 180 for my own sake.
My W told me last Saturday that she didn't love me and wanted to separate. No, "I love you but not in love with you" rubbish, just a straight, "I have no feelings for you". She told me that since she felt this way, that she could not live with me any more. She said that, although this must be sudden for me, it was not for her. She said that she had been trying to make it work but it just wasn't. She said that events that took place previously had made her realise that I was not for her. She said that she wanted someone to make her feel special and that I didn't. Due to my W's low self esteem, she does not accept compliments or believe that someone could love her. All the attempts I have made through our marriage to let her know that I love her have been rebuked.
Looks like you're doing the right thing by "letting her go".
From reading your story, there are a few ideas that pop into my head.
1. She learned to hide her current EA or PA better.
2. Even people with low self esteem knows if someone loves them or not. Heck, a baby knows instinctively if you love him/her or not. Why cant an adult?
3. Take full advantage of her guilt right now and get her to sign (even if it's handwritten) and witnessed (by your adult daughters?) a financial and custody agreement favorable to you.
4. She probably feels that time is running out for her to see what sex/love with another man is like. And, to enjoy her independence as a single person? Mid-life crisis? Her impulses/desires are strong right now if she so dead set to leave.
I'm kinda going through the same thing but I was asked to leave my marital home and family so she could "be alone"...wth?
After so much reading and time (separated 6 months) I have come to the conclusion that the only way to have a chance to survive is to:
1. The person you loved is dead.
2. Let them go be a dumba$$.
3. Be a good Dad/Mom and have as much fun as you possibly can.
4. In two years when they have FAILED in creating a new blessed life without you and they come crawling back (like a 99.9% probability).... you can then decide what you want to do then.
In the meantime do not try and stop them. Help the hell out of them. Push them along and smile knowing they have just screwed the hell out of themselves.
Looks like you're doing the right thing by "letting her go".
From reading your story, there are a few ideas that pop into my head.
1. She learned to hide her current EA or PA better.
2. Even people with low self esteem knows if someone loves them or not. Heck, a baby knows instinctively if you love him/her or not. Why cant an adult?
3. Take full advantage of her guilt right now and get her to sign (even if it's handwritten) and witnessed (by your adult daughters?) a financial and custody agreement favorable to you.
4. She probably feels that time is running out for her to see what sex/love with another man is like. And, to enjoy her independence as a single person? Mid-life crisis? Her impulses/desires are strong right now if she so dead set to leave.
Thanks for the response aug
Point 1 - I have considered this but she would need to improve her lieing 1000% to achieve this based on the last time. The last time, it was the obvious happiness that gave it away. This time, there is nothing but sadness.
Point 2 - She knows I love her but through our marriage she has believed that no-one could love her. The two people in her childhood who should have shown her love, didn't.
Point 3 - We are writing down the agreement now and it will be signed in front of a solicitor next week.
Point 4 - I think that everything you say in there is applicable to this mess. W is acting like she must do this to save herself. A part of me thinks she is trying to prove a point to herself and to me.
Through our marriage I have encouraged her to take up some interests, to get a career, to get a life but she chose to stay safe in her little bubble, at home with little socialising. I think she has reached an age where she sees her life passing her by.
I asked her the other day to read some real examples of people who have done what she is going to do. She admitted, that she can see herself in these examples. She could see that almost all of these people did not find what they were looking for and in some cases regretted what they had done. Something struck a chord with these examples as she took them to her friends when she went for a chat but I don't know if she produced them.
I told her that if she wanted to change her life she could do so within the confines of her marriage and that I would support her through these changes but the answer is no.
I'm kinda going through the same thing but I was asked to leave my marital home and family so she could "be alone"...wth?
After so much reading and time (separated 6 months) I have come to the conclusion that the only way to have a chance to survive is to:
1. The person you loved is dead.
2. Let them go be a dumba$$.
3. Be a good Dad/Mom and have as much fun as you possibly can.
4. In two years when they have FAILED in creating a new blessed life without you and they come crawling back (like a 99.9% probability).... you can then decide what you want to do then.
In the meantime do not try and stop them. Help the hell out of them. Push them along and smile knowing they have just screwed the hell out of themselves.
My opinion.
There's a lot of truth in what you say but it is difficult when you love someone and you can see them making a huge mistake. I feel that what she wants from life is right here under her nose, if she would only open her eyes.
I agree that I must do this though, for myself and the kids if nothing else.
There's a lot of truth in what you say but it is difficult when you love someone and you can see them making a huge mistake. I feel that what she wants from life is right here under her nose, if she would only open her eyes.
I agree that I must do this though, for myself and the kids if nothing else.
Man I am so right there with you. I hate to say it but keeping her well being in the front of my mind and repeating to myself that "if she could only see" is what kept me spinning for months and months. It was not until I figured out that I am only in charge and can only help ME (and my kids). And the fastest way for them to get through their mess (and effectively "help" them) was to completely remove all emotional, friendship, support etc so they can find out for themselves how great their life is going to be. VERY hard to do. I'm still trying to do it.
In my case this attitude brought her back but now it looks like we are heading down the same road again. Oh well.
During our marriage, I have probably only been out socialising on my own, perhaps twenty times. This was entirely due to her fear of me meeting someone else. (remember she saw herself as not deserving my love and that other women were more attractive to me)
As you can imagine these occasions were not enjoyable, wondering what abuse I would get on returning home.
But, if she has any doubts about what she is about to do (she has already stated that she may find out that she does have feelings for me after all) then I can use this to my advantage.
I think that if I start going out socially, she may begin to think that I may move on quicker than her, which would take away the path back for her. This tactic could plant the seed.
I feel your concern. I would continue on doing what makes you comfortable - leaving a door open if that is the case. Only you know when you've had enough...
I apologize if I sound like a downer. I'm just pretty jaded about it all myself. I left the door open for way too long and she just put it in my face and didnt respect the things I did for her to "help" her. It wasn't until I started doing stuff just for me with no regard to her feelings that she started coming back around. This just happened in the last month or so.
Case in point, my wife does not want to get divorced anymore but she does not want to live together....WTH? I allowed her to circle back too soon and now she is holding the cards again.
Sorry about what you are going through. You seem to have been on a long journey with this.
I intend to adopt the no contact, no niceties policy very quickly. The door may or may not be open but only I will decide if it is. If she ever decides to try to again, it will be under agreed conditions.
Sorry about what you are going through. You seem to have been on a long journey with this.
I intend to adopt the no contact, no niceties policy very quickly. The door may or may not be open but only I will decide if it is. If she ever decides to try to again, it will be under agreed conditions.
I wish you the greatest luck Sir. Nothing wrong with leaving a little hope alive just in case but don't stay in denial too long like I did. Protect yourself and try to move on (even if it's just for appearances) for your sake.
W is going to see a flat today and sort out bank details. I have told her that I have accepted what she is doing.
Our conversations have become short and sweet and I respond to her in a matter of fact way - no emotion.
As I mentioned in my first post, sometimes I feel as though she sees this as a challenge - to prove to herself but more importantly to me, that she can do this. She has made two comments this week stating that I think she can't do this. I have said nothing to her, to elicit this response.
W sees solicitor tomorrow. I have drafted up my requirements for a legal separation document (Scotland). The fact that I did this took the wind out of her sails. All I got was an OH.
If she thinks she's in the driving seat, she's got another think coming.
339Likes
My Wife is separating from me - Loooong Post 
