is there a chance we can reconcile

Bfitz · 11-07-2011, 11:51 AM

My husband and I broke up a month ago today.. I kicked him out in anger and the next day he said he would never be back...He said he has been unhappy for years and still loves and cares about me but just cant be married to me anymore... I felt the same until 3 days later.. Now I am just dying inside everyday looking back at all the signs I missed that i could have fixed this but ithought I wanted out to.. Now I know just how in love with him I am..Ill try to make this a short story...
Just a week before we had a bad arguement and he said dont throw us away over this.. But a week later I did.. There was alot of anger and I posted personal business on my FB page that day,, i have since deleted it but it doesnt change that I did it..
We had sexting in the beginning 2 weeks of the seperation and sex on three occasions.. I could feel how much he loved me.. we argue so much when we see each other its a constant battle to not have to meet him.. I have decided that even though when he left all bills were a month behind to no longer accept monetary help from him...I am trying to let him have space.. Its hard.. he text me good morning everyday and tells me about trivial things at his work or how long he slept.. he has asked for pics of me and we have had sexual convos... he says this is hard on him.. but i cant feel that.. he says he would do almost anything for me... he asks me about things he sees on my FB page why am I posting pics etc and if i dont respond he just ask again later.. I posted I was going out and he asked did i have fun then he asked what did i do...
he says he isnt interested in anyone else or even trying to meet anyone else.. he will not go to counseling with me he says he thinks its best we just move on...
I dont want to give up.. I know he still loves me but dont understand how he seems only concerned in material things in the home..and what he wants out of the home.. I have asked him to stop telling me he cares about me and wants to help me but he says its true I even told him once to tell me he didnt love me anymore and I could give up on this marriage he said he could never say that cause it isnt true but he thinks a divorce is the best answer.. we argued once and he said he spoke with someone (he made it sound like a lawyer) but when I mentioned seeing a lawyer he let me have it...I asked him to wait on the separation he agreed for now but says separation means divorce.. so Im not sure what he is really waiting on...
Im just so confused on everything i dont know whats in his mind or how to act..
I dont want to give up... I just dont know how to fight for the man of my dreams to come home.. i have prayed so much...
Please someone tell me something.. we have been together 6 years and married 5..

anx · 11-07-2011, 04:21 PM

If you are religious, I suggest talking with the pastor who married you. Otherwise, the book "love must be tough" or might a few other books might be good.

Also, he does miss and love you or he wouldn't contact you. It might be best to cut contact and say if you want to commit with either marriage counseling or books (I could suggest a few), then don't contact me. If you want to commit, let's work hard, have sex/sext, and talk. When he feels lonely or horny he'll know what he needs to do. He will feel both.

Depending on his parents or friend situation, you could seek support from there.

Right now he just doesn't see hope and is full of hurt. There is a good chance that will change, but sometimes it takes months. Don't destroy the relationship and keep fighting for the relationship till the paperwork is signed.

My story is in my profile but my story isn't complete yet.

Blessings and best of luck.

Bfitz · 11-07-2011, 08:01 PM

Thank you so much...

depressed11 · 11-08-2011, 06:09 AM

I know what you're going through, I feel the same as you although my husband hasnt contacted me once since we separated 3 weeks ago. I want to reconcile more than anything but I have no idea how he feels.

Bfitz · 11-08-2011, 07:11 AM

Im so sorry you are going through this.. i would not wish this on anyone... Ask him how he is doing? just one text or call cant hurt if it will make you feel better... I cant understand all the contact i have with mine.. I think it confuses me more...

depressed11 · 11-08-2011, 07:19 AM

the problem is, he chucked me out, so i dont feel i should bother contacting him? i want to but he will ignore me, i know him. but im hurting so much. every day is a strugggle at the moment

Bfitz · 11-08-2011, 04:07 PM

I understand.. do what makes you feel good.. i know everyone keeps telling me to stick to the no contact rule but its hard and I cant... i have tried but i broke down and caved after 2 days.. he answered me in less than a minute.. My signals are so mixed up he acts completely different from what he says..my friends that I have shared everything with think he is so confused..and I know he is..Im scared of him not finding his way out..

madaboutlove · 11-09-2011, 12:01 AM

I agree, NC left me missing him terribly and seeing him makes me upset because he often acts like a husband (helping around the house, doing work on the cars, etc) and then leaves and that is awful. But mostly, I tried the NC thing,did get a response, but just left me frustrated.

Bfitz · 11-13-2011, 07:52 PM

I tried the NC rule for three days the entire time he tried to contact me by every means possible.. email, phone calls, texts, twitter dm's, facebook and even myspace.. He would say he was going to stop texting me then a few hours later send another.. he was funny and said many things and I just would not reply.. Today i called him back.. i carefully planned what to say before calling.. i even wrote it down as not to say it wrong and be able to refer back if necessary.. Today he said that he definately seen a chance in working it out more so than he did.. tomorrow night we are going to have dinner and he is planning a sleep over.. i know its not a sex thing as I took care of that last week and let him know when he left I would be letting him go.. and then the NC started.. today when we talked he told me how miserable he was not talking to me..nd he feels so much better now.. He seems real excited about seeing me tomorrow night but of course I am just sick with worry..he said he loves me and misses me and I am still praying so hard for this to work.. i dont know i can only hope but maybe there is a chance..anyone have any insight? or what do you think this could be?

hesnothappy · 11-13-2011, 08:47 PM

It's gotta happen for someone and it might as well be YOU ;o) My philosophy is nothing beats a failure except a try. Go for it, but protect you head and a your heart always.

anx · 11-14-2011, 12:39 PM

you know how powerful lonliness and lack of sex is. He realized that in a big way.

Continue to respect yourself and let him lead the reconciliation. Don't contact him first most of the time.

Blessings
Posted via Mobile Device

Bfitz · 11-14-2011, 01:08 PM

I have a problem.. I am so confused he told me today he wants to try to work things out but not come home any time soon.. I didnt expect him home right away but I dont know how us staying apart is going to fix things.. I feel like to work together on a marriage we need to work together not seperate.. The seperate thing was what this past 5 weeks have been.. Now i think we should be focusing on working together and forward.. im not real sure what to do here.. he wants to work things out but not come home it may be 2 or 6 months he said.. he said kinda like dating again.. Im not a girlfriend and trying to reconnect with him I am his wife and dont understand why he doesnt want to come do it together... I think seperate lives with congical visits isnt working on anything.. Maybe Im wrong but I need help.. Im so confused...

anx · 11-14-2011, 04:51 PM

I'm in the same situation. We have been separated and "dating", but few if any congical visits.

I'm not ok with it either, but progress is being made. It is an awkward situation at times. The "rules" are so much better defined when living together. I often feel like a husband on the weekends or on the side.

Its not really my decision to make and I have gone trought about 4 months of serious anxiety and depression before finding joy and some peace the past 2 months.

Some people are REALLY bad with confrontation or facing issues. It might seem manageable for him to fix things like this before moving in. Unfortuately, at times its like having one foot out the door.

It makes spending time together awkward as well. Who contacts if you are going to date? If you contact too often or too little, it can be taken poorly. Having friends over or who do you tell you are separated also sucks.

I wish I could give advise on congical visits. It is an awkward place to be to have sex but not be ok with living with. My wife basically rejects me all the time, which may be reversed in your story since you want to fix things. I'm pretty sure you aren't ok with the sex/dating on the side or on weekends. It sucks.

Anyways, don't give up hope if thats what happens. You can't force him to move back in. I'm not sure that being ok with it or not being ok with it is right in your situation. In my own situation, I'm sticking to whats right. I'm pursuing my marriage the best I can regardless of what my wife does or does not do.

I would highly suggest the book "hope for the separated". Have your husband read it as well. We are also doing "I don't want a divorce: a 90 day plan", which I like the book out of the many I've read.

You may have to deal with the issues are garbage during this separation. Even if it's not right, you can't force him to move back in and its not right to divorce him either.

Pray hard. Blessings.