Too late for the 180?

eeerockeee · 11-09-2011, 04:59 PM

My H left 3 months ago and is with the OW. I had a PA 2 years ago and H says it's just never been the same since then. I'm now 8 months pregnant with my H child. I love and miss him terribly and he knows this b/c I've been visibly pathetic and miserable around him for all 3 months. I'm coming to a cross-roads and need to be strong and prepare for my daughter. Is it too late for me to try the 180 and get him back? He literally just called and I didn't answer...that was hard!

OutOfTheBlue · 11-09-2011, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eeerockeee

My H left 3 months ago and is with the OW. I had a PA 2 years ago and H says it's just never been the same since then. I'm now 8 months pregnant with my H child. I love and miss him terribly and he knows this b/c I've been visibly pathetic and miserable around him for all 3 months. I'm coming to a cross-roads and need to be strong and prepare for my daughter. Is it too late for me to try the 180 and get him back? He literally just called and I didn't answer...that was hard!

What are the circumstances of the pregnancy? Did you and H plan it?

OutOfTheBlue · 11-09-2011, 05:21 PM

ps

Sorry, I just re-read what I wrote and it sounds a little blunt.

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

This is me · 11-09-2011, 06:57 PM

Never too late for the 180. Read it every day, several times a day. It is more for you than for the other.

eeerockeee · 11-09-2011, 07:01 PM

Getting pregnant in March was unplanned, but we were trying in Nov/Dec/Jan and stopped due to my crazy summer work schedule (I couldn't be 8 month pregnant in August w/ my job!). We were both nervous about it, yet very excited...even talked about our future kids after this one, etc. He is so very excited still to be a dad and is very involved with the pregnancy (as much as he can be w/o living w/ me).
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morituri · 11-09-2011, 07:50 PM

Please allow me to clarify a misconception regarding the 180 degrees rules. The 180 degrees rules are not a manipulation tool to get your husband to end his affair and recommitt to doing the hard work of marital recovery. They are an empowerment tool for the betrayed spouse which will give him/her the emotional strength to move on with his/her life with or without his/her unfaithful spouse. The impact that a successful implementation of the 180 degrees rules brings cannot be underestimated in the personal recovery of a betrayed spouse. No matter what happens to the marriage, the betrayed spouse will heal and move on with his/her life, a better one.

The confusion regarding its purpose lies in a side effect on a cake eating unfaithful spouse. When the 180 degrees spouse begins to move on with his/her life, often times the cake eating spouse panics and tries to negotiate with the 180 degrees spouse in order to maintain the status quo. But the 180 degrees spouse no longer wants to be the fall back spouse, says no and proceeds to file for divorce. The strain becomes too much on the cake eating spouse and this usually is enough to pop the fantasy bubble of the affair and have the cheating spouse begging to the betrayed spouse to not leave him/her. But this is a side effect of a successful implementation of the 180 degrees rules and only presents itself with cake eating spouses and not with walk away spouses who have checked out of the marriage. Which of the two does your husband fall into?

eeerockeee · 11-09-2011, 08:41 PM

That's tough to say if he's cake eating or checked out. He's pretty checked out (ignores my emotional texts, will be filing for divorce after baby is born, etc), but then he is affectionate in birth class w/ massages and hugging me goodbye.

I understand now that 180 is for me and not a manipulation tool...I'm doing it for me and my baby so I can be a good mom, but I truly hope it brings him back when he sees the happy W he still loves and cares for (we've been together 16 years, since I was 15 and he was 18...married 5).
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morituri · 11-10-2011, 12:20 AM

If you don't mind me asking, how did your affair and his come about?

eeerockeee · 11-10-2011, 08:13 AM

Mine happened Oct 2009 when I went on tour w/ a band for a month as part of my job and as a way to get space from H b/c I just didn't "like" him at the time and needed time apart. It lasted 3 more months, but long distance b/c he was across the country.

His first PA came about as an EA in March/April w/ a friend from softball. (I got pregnant in March...) It turned PA in May. They got caught in June and it ended. We swore to never hurt each other again and realized how badly we took advantage of our 16 year relationship. The good lasted about 6 weeks and I could see the EA happening w/ our friend, the OW. I even pointed it out to H and he denied it. He left me 2 weeks later. It became PA the week after he left me Aug 7, supposedly. They live together now and "love" each other according to her.
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morituri · 11-11-2011, 02:46 AM

It is obvious that your husband never recovered from your affair. Despite what the OW (other woman) says, he still cares very much for you. The problem is that he doesn't trust you and thus doesn't want to expose his heart to you. I'm not saying that you weren't in pain either prior to your affair and that the OM (other man) was temporary self-medication for you - if not you would have ended your marriage and moved on.

Nevertheless, there can be no marital recovery until your husband ends his affair and commits to the hard work of rebuilding the marriage - as do you.

What can you do? Convey to him that as much as you love him and would wish that your affair had never happened, that you must end all contact with him - go dark - because it is too painful to know that he is with another woman. This can be considered the start of your 180 degrees.

In the meantime, please click on the link below my signature titled 'Forgiveness'.

eeerockeee · 11-11-2011, 01:35 PM

Thanks for the advice. I have expressed it's too hard to be around him while he's with the OW, and we've avoided all non-baby contact and communication the past few weeks. So I guess I had already begun my 180 before I knew what it was.

I agree, I think he still cares for me and the OW is an escape from the stress of no job and our (his) financial mess. I don't think the baby is real to him yet because he's not experiencing it as I am...and has not in the past three months. He will be a good dad...if he wants to repair our marriage is in his hands now.