ForlornHubby

My wife had an online EA over a few months and, despite her best efforts to convince me it was recently over, I was having trouble coming to terms with it while staying with her. Because of that I moved out a little over 3 weeks ago to try and collect my thoughts on how to deal with the strong feelings she admitted she had (and still has) for the OM.

We are in good terms, not least of all because we have 2 daughters, and she’s been quite apologetic about the whole thing and trying to get me to come home in my own time which is cool.

There’s one thing, though. Though I have never bugged her computer with keyloggers or anything I am quite internet savvy. This allowed me to find a completely anonymous blog post she did where she says it is really over with the OM (which is good) but then goes on to spin a rapturous yarn on how she was the one that hurt him by the split, that she feels that they were meant to be from the dawn of time, but destiny never meant it to be (I know it sounds contradictory, but you get the point) and how he will live in her heart forever.

Now, I know this is typical fog stuff, but the thing is I seem to only be able to latch on the “love loss” and not on the “it’s really over” part. So, my (obsessive?) pursuit of knowledge is hurting me even if this was possibly just part of her rightful cathartic process.

Simple question first: Should I NOT read too much into her romantic tirade and actually only see the “good” part of it (it's over)? If so, how do I go about doing that?

More importantly and general: where and when should one stop or tone down “checking up” on your spouse so that their “little secrets” (that everyone has) don't destroy the chance of a genuine reconciliation and in turn just eat away at your self-esteem?

madaboutlove

Unless you suspect that she is still cheating, EA or PA, I would stay away. I have things I have said I wouldn't want my STBXH to have ever heard or read about. If you want to build a new relationship, let it be that, new. But don't be stupid!

NormalPlease

Wish I could help you...but all I can do is tell you I'm there too, although my H posted his remarks on Match.com....and I felt like puking, given it was in an effort to find out what the grass is like on the other side. I couldn't tell if he was creating this fictional character to experiment with or if this was something more real. He put he likes camping and owns a cat---which in fact he dislikes camping and doesn't own a cat.....then he put he is looking for a TRUSTWORTHY and MONOGAMOUS woman for a 'friends first' approach. Like that...caps and all. It hit a nerve b/c I'm as monogamous as it gets...and not trustworthy only in the sense I am internet savy and can check up on him. Maybe it was an attempt to hook up with a chick that wouldn't steal rob his apartment or pass on a disease...who knows....but hard to not take it personal. I equally feel the need to puke b/c of my prying into his 'world'. I hadn't checked up on his online actions for months when we were separated....and we we decided to repair our relationship, I came across a credit card statement that got me checking up---his posting was immediatley AFTER we decided to reconcile. When was her blog dated? If it's recent, there are obviously still some issues that should be addressed.

ForlornHubby

The blog post was only 3 or 4 days ago, and the no-contact with him (AFTER I moved out) was about a week ago, according to her and the "between the lines" on the blog post. She freely admitted to having broken the initial (i.e. when we were together) no-contact during the first couple of weeks of our split ("we separated after all!"), but after deliberating with him she decided this time was for good, regardless of me coming back or not.

All this allegedly, of course... though I have an inkling that this is true for the most part.

ForlornHubby

Sorry for the somewhat shameless bump, but I would still like to hear more people's opinions on the matter.

It's obvious to me that, mid-to-long term, one should definitely stop "eavesdropping" on what your spouse is doing not only to allow them to have their privacy but so that you don't get consumed with every single site they visit or whatever (we all do odd web searches every once in a while).

The thing is in this case very little time has elapsed, and while her attitude and body language seems to be quite positive it's obvious to me that it is very easy for her to lapse into contact with OM (or start flirting on the Net to make up for the buzz she had), if she is - indeed - not still in contact.

When did all of you, betrayed folk, started letting go? What signs did your relevant other give you that you felt it was ok to do so?

I would also like to hear your story if you loosened up on the checking only to find out that your spouse ended up backsliding and what would you have done differently were it to happen now?

Thanks to all that already replied and all the ones that will do so now.

Almostrecovered

hard to say because my wife's betrayal was largely physical and not emotional, so my problem lied within the details of their sexual escapades

I suppose it largely depends on what you wish to do- divorce or try to R because if it's D then you have enough to say to yourself that it's the right thing and you can move on. If it's R then I have to say you need to know most of the details because the imagination will fill in the blanks with stuff, often worse than reality.

That said, if she's posting such stuff then she's clearly not truly remorseful yet and largely seems to be acting on guilt instead, if anything, your spying is giving you all of the facts to make a more informed decision


btw- you can read my story in my signature

so you know IF you have a proper R (No contact, transparency, true remorse, etc) then it takes 2-5 years to heal

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aug

I agree. Get as much info as you can. You can then sort them out and see if they reconcile with what your wife is/was saying and her actions.

In situations where the spouse is drifting, it would be proper to find out how much he/she drifted and whether the affair has gone underground or if there were others.