Marriage counselling while dating

NJEH · 11-17-2011, 09:46 PM

My H and I have been separated for 8 months, due to him having an affair. We tried couples counselling before the A came out, obviously it didn't work because I didn't know all that was going on. Now, months later H wants us to try counselling again, to make sure we're doing the right thing, and if anything can be saved. My issue is, he thinks we can both keep dating other ppl while doing this (he is not dating the OW), and we don't have to tell these ppl about the counselling. This is wrong to me. If we're going to do counselling, lets do it right, and not have other ppl in the picture. Plus, as someone who was in the dark last time, I do not feel comfortable doing this to other people.
I know this does not mean we are back together, but how can I take H seriously if this is where his mind set is?
Am I over reacting? I'm suppose to see him on Sunday, and I'm thinking of saying I will do C, if we both agree not to see other people for X number of weeks first (How many weeks, I'm not sure), during the counselling, and whille we figure out where we are going from here. Is this asking too much? I have my doubts about H and C, but I wonder if I should at least do it for our children's sake.

Freak On a Leash · 11-17-2011, 09:59 PM

I've been separated a year from my H. Neither my H or I date other people. He brought it up early in our separation, about whether or not we'd be dating others. I told him I had no intention of dating anyone else while we still had a legal marriage, separated or not.. and he agreed.

If that changed and I found out that he was dating others there would be no contact with us at all except in the barest ways. I'd consider the marriage over.

IMO marriage counseling is about SAVING an existing marriage but dating other people is the death knell of a marriage. You have to make a decision about what it is you want. You can't have it both ways.

That's my .02 cents. Personally, the fact that your H had an affair and still wants to date others is a sign of bad character on his part. He has no problems with keeping another person in the dark about his being married? That's pretty cold, not to just you but to anyone he might be seeing. He sounds like an immature person who wants his to eat his cake and have it too.

You aren't overreacting at all..in fact I'd say you are acting in a reasonable and mature manner.