Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST! - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 03:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I want to be sleeping right now....5 hours till I need to be up for work. But I'm having trouble so I might as well write.

Ok...the delusional....He thinks I don't know what love is. He says that I think it is supposed to be warm and mushy and romantic all the time. That is not what I think. But I know love is NOT how he has been treating me lately! I think the delusional also refers to me thinking that my kids are good kids. This is just my best guess because I'm really not sure. When I ask him to explain or give an example he just tells me to figure it out myself.

Enabler: definitely about my kids! He says I enable to to lie and get away with anything they want. Admittedly, I could be a better mother...no doubt about it. And I am sure they lie, fib, or otherwise skew the truth at times...but if I catch them they do get in trouble for that. I DO NOT like liars! And by trouble I mean a lecture about how bad lying affects lives...etc, and extra work to do.

A liar: he did give one example of this. He says I lie because I allow my kids to listen to country music when he is not around but will turn it off when he is in the car or the house. I have never agreed to not let them listen to country music. I don't allow rap in my house. But Husband thinks we should only listen to Christian music. Nothing else. I simply don't agree. Never have, never will. I will agree that christian music is the most wholesome...but thats as far as that goes.

As far as wanting to know where he is....we live in a small town. Occasionally he needs to drive to one of the bigger towns. One is almost 2 hours away. the other is about 30 minutes away. It would be nice to know when he goes to those places. It's a safety thing to me....if he didn't come home, where do I begin to look? There are a lot of deer around here and so forth (plus really spotty cell service if something did happen!).... Really other than that it was general communication. Hey I'm headed here and I expect to be gone for several hours. For months he cooked dinner every night. It was great!! I was going to school full time and just graduated in May. But after months of cooking every night, sometimes I would get home from a long day of school and its 8pm and kids haven't eaten yet and Husband is nowhere to be found and didn't tell anyone where he was going. Now the kids, they are old enough, and they are capable of feeding themselves....it is one of those communication things that would be nice to know though. When I was a single mom, my kids knew that if I wasn't home by six and they didn't smell dinner, they better get themselves something. We all came to rely on his cooking but then it became sporadic and eventually stopped.


My kids living at home are 16, 13, and 10. I have two on their own who are 19 and 18.

Other issues he could resent me for....I have a really close male friend who has been in my life for 7 years now? I do still talk to him and H got upset about it once. We talked about it and it seemed settled. H didn't care if I talked to him as long as I didn't talk about us. And we have an open cell phone, email policy. Although I rarely looked at his stuff but he often looked at mine although he would do it in secret even though I knew he was doing it.

I don't like the church he chose for us to go to. I was going to another with my kids until we were married and he basically told me go to whatever church you want...but he would be going to that one. I wanted to go as a family so I started going to the one he wanted to go to.

I have asked him to stop talking to one women. He was flirting (imo) with her and I told him I didn't like it. Ironically, since he has left, 3 of my boys have mentioned how much he would flirt when I wasn't with him....

We were renting a tiny 3 bedroom house and one of his complaints was that there wasn't enough room for his kids to come visit comfortably. He has 4 kids ages 10-17. So after I graduated and I got a job, I found a house 15 minutes closer to my work. A very large 6 bedroom house. I thought it was perfect....he didn't want it.He found another small 3 bedroom house that he wanted. Essentially I made the final call on which house to rent and he was not very happy about it. There were reasons I chose it...location, schools, I don't think we would have been approved for the one he wanted...etc)

I accused him of cheating once. He told me he would be home by 10:30 pm. I woke up at 12:30 and he wasn't home. He didn't respond to my calls or texts for another 45 minutes....and then it took another 30 minutes for him to come home from across town where he claimed to be picking up discarded furniture. I was irate by the time he got home. Btw...my ex cheated on me. I know I shouldn't carry that over to my h. Very hard not to when suspicious behavior pops up.

I guess I'm not sure what else to say right now. And I really need some sleep! Thanks for all of the input. Keep it coming please!


Last edited by howdouknow; 09-16-2016 at 03:18 AM.
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post #17 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 03:18 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Well he could be having an affair.

He is most definitely projecting. Don't let him Gaslight you, because that's exactly what his actions are achieving.

He may very well be mentally ill. Were you living with him before you were married? Sometimes we hear about a flip switching in a spouse, and their behavior completely changes, almost overnight after marriage.

The differences in parenting strategies are a big one in my book, but you are
the mom. He may have known about your style while dating, but living with it is a different story.

When I read the words in the text he sent you, I laughed. No one writes such a wordy reply unless something is up imo. One quick way to spot a liar is to watch how they explain very simple events or questions. It's always an epic story, because they're weaving a tale that has to cover all bases in case you ask more questions. That combined with his frequent, lengthy absences says he wants to avoid home and something is up. Just be aware.

You should never have to tolerate his kind of emotional abuse. It goes way beyond basic marriage challenges. So, I say, don't.

Read up about the 180,and start implementing it. It's not about revenge, it's about protecting yourself and learning to live without him. Time to reclaim your sanity.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #18 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 03:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I think he is being unreasonable, maybe mentally unstable, but lets explore more:

How would he punish the kids? What are the things that they do that he thinks deserves punishment. (how old are they?)
He would punish them by taking freedoms away. Great! No problem! I know I could do better at my parenting and I could use the help with the kids! However....he would ground them from everything....for anything they did wrong. There is a warning first, but if it every happens again there must be a punishment. Not a single other warning. I'll be very honest....if I punished my kids the way he wants me to for EVERY single thing they did wrong, they would have no possessions and would ALWAYS be grounded. There was no leeway at all. Maybe that is how parents are supposed to be? Maybe this it my delusional issue that he speaks of? So many adults, teachers, coaches, bosses, compliment my kids and how much they like my kids. Can I really be doing that bad of a job and have so many people adore my kids?

Not to mention, with how long I was a single mom and parented my way, it would cause serious rebellion. We tried his way for about 3 months. I was AWFUL. The kids lost respect for him, and they were quickly losing it for me to. It wasn't how our family functioned. My then 15 year old even took off for several hours. I told H that I could not parent how he wanted me to. He backed off for a while. But I think ultimately he wanted me to do it his way. He essentially claims his kids are perfect, even though he will deny it if you ask him directly. But every time my kids would do something wrong he would say his kids would NEVER do something like that....!

Last edited by howdouknow; 09-16-2016 at 03:38 AM.
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post #19 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 05:34 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Did you guys live together before getting married? Trying to blend a family with that many kids on both sides has to be the hardest task ever. I applaud couples who do it. The reason I ask is my sister once dated a man with 1 child, she has two. Things were great until they moved in together. She could not Stand how he raised his child and he had complaints all the time about her children. They were not on the same page of parenting and it cause massive issues. I mean rip roaring fights over something as little as the child didn't put the dish in the dishwasher but placed it in the sink. Crazy stuff!

My sister would feel like if he didn't take her parenting advice and make his child do what she wanted then he didn't love her or respect her and I'm sure he was probably felt the same way. It took me forever to get her to understand that you can't ask him to chose between her and his child, there was no comparison and that if the way the viewed parenting was so different than they were best to call it quits. After a few late night talks she agreed and then split, still remained friends but realized that their each own kids were more important than their relationship, as it should be. Was a pretty intense time at home which not good for kids to begin with.

If your husband does not agree with the way you parent your children then maybe he's not the best fit for you right now. I'm sorry but he doesn't sound like he is being very nice and respectful of you or your children right now. He knew that you had kids coming In to this relationship and I'm sure they are your 100% top priority. If he can't respect you enough to let you raise your kids the way you want to then it's time for you to move on. As I said above, blending a family is the hardest thing you can do, they don't blend they collide. I myself could never do it. I know I'm not strong enough.

Best of luck, do what's best for your family and if he doesn't respect they way you raise your kids or that you value their happiness and over his then he is immature and a child himself.
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post #20 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 07:02 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Your husband sounds awful. Reading through your posts I wonder if he has a serious mental illness, if he's cheating, and/or if he has an addiction. Those are the only things I can think of that would explain his behavior. Honestly, I think you should just accept this man has more issues than Time magazine and consider ending the marriage.
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post #21 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 07:08 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Originally Posted by howdouknow View Post
He claims to be a high needs man (aren't most of them!!??) .
No, most men are not high needs lol, you just seems to have found a real doosy (sp?)

Either way, I think it is clear he wants to end the marriage, and instead of doing it in an adult like manner, he is intentionally pushing your buttons so at the end of the day he can lay the blame on you for the marriage failing (even better if he is having an affair, he can blame it all on you...).
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post #22 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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No, most men are not high needs lol, you just seems to have found a real doosy (sp?)

Either way, I think it is clear he wants to end the marriage, and instead of doing it in an adult like manner, he is intentionally pushing your buttons so at the end of the day he can lay the blame on you for the marriage failing (even better if he is having an affair, he can blame it all on you...).
Either way, I think it is clear he wants to end the marriage, and instead of doing it in an adult like manner, he is intentionally pushing your buttons so at the end of the day he can lay the blame on you for the marriage failing (even better if he is having an affair, he can blame it all on you...).[/QUOTE]

Not dissing men...just meant a high sex drive but couldn't think of the wording! lol

I really do believe he wants out....oh duh.....he is out!! But I know he has trouble excepting responsibility for his actions and now he doesn't have to (in his mind) because I told him to leave. Since he started talking to me after the week of silence, he has been mean. It's my fault he didn't have his belongings. It's my fault he has no money or a place to live, or food to eat. He had all his needs met...on my income....but he wanted out. Well he got it, and I don't see any possible way of salvaging this marriage. I certainly can't save it alone.
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post #23 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 09:51 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Originally Posted by Wolfman1968 View Post
He may have some sort of mental issues, if we expand that definition to include personality disorders (borderline personality, etc.).

If he is NOT in an affair (and your description of his behavior sounds more like a mental issue than an affair to me), then it seems like he has developed some sort of resentment towards you. A very deep one. Thus, he developed a hair-trigger sensitivity to any slight at all.

Do you have ANY idea at all what he is referring to when he says you were "fraudulent, disillusion, liar, enabler"..? It sounds like he believes HE was the victim of a lie or misrepresentation. I'm not saying it has to be a legitimate complaint, but do you have any sense of what wrong (whether it is IN HIS MIND only or not) he suffered? You don't have to agree it is legitimate, just trying to get a sense of where his anger is coming from.
I chuckled when it was @Wolfman1968 who answered your questions so eloquently. He too flips to the dark side, but only once a month when his Moon Menses comes on.

I too expect that your husband has serious mental issues. Like what? Paranoid/Schizophrenia, Narcissist Personality Disorder, or high functioning Asperger's or Autism Disorder.

Maybe he went off his medication.

It could be that you are withholding some of you misbehavior in your posting. However, his reaction is WAY over the top, even with this figured in.

Sorry you are here. You deserve much better than this. He needs help badly. See if you can get more information on him from friends, family and exes?

You need to divorce this Fruitcake.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #24 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 09:59 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
Either way, I think it is clear he wants to end the marriage, and instead of doing it in an adult like manner, he is intentionally pushing your buttons so at the end of the day he can lay the blame on you for the marriage failing (even better if he is having an affair, he can blame it all on you...).
Yup. For whatever reason (which doesn't actually matter as much as you might think) he wants out of the marriage. But he doesn't want to to be seen to be the bad guy to initiate the end, so he torments you until you do it for him. Then he can blame you, tell the community he did everything he could but you couldn't deal with it, etc.

From how you describe him, he sounds controlling, domineering, inflexible, disrespectful and selfish, and just put on a good show of being otherwise to reel you in during the courtship. I'm sure you'll be better off without him now that you've seen the real him behind the facade.

Be careful, he's going to turn friends and community against you during this breakup, because they'll still believe the facade.
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post #25 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 10:13 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I don't like the church he chose for us to go to. I was going to another with my kids until we were married and he basically told me go to whatever church you want...but he would be going to that one. I wanted to go as a family so I started going to the one he wanted to go to.

This rang a bell. What is it about the church you don't like? Does he know you dislike his church?

On a side note, no reasonable man should say, "my kids would NEVER do something like that" to a woman in your position. It's hitting way below the belt.

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post #26 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 10:17 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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He claims to be a high needs man (aren't most of them!!??)
It's what you've been led to believe, but no it isn't always true. Just like some people believe withholding sex is a woman thing. You now know this isn't true.

This is punishment, let him go before he fully ruins you and your kids life.
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post #27 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 11:06 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

This strikes me as a man who has become resentful of your children living at home. Of course I could definitely be wrong. However, it sounds as though he isn't/wasn't prepared for the change in his lifestyle. Hence, his being M.I.A. when he was there alone with them. He doesn't want to be bothered with people. Is he accustomed to living alone (or, without children in the home)? If his children only visit, how long has it been since he lived under the same roof with them on a full-time basis? He has become selfish in his own right and your life (with children) is forcing him to sacrifice life as he knows it AND his space. Add to it, he doesn't like your parenting style, or, how your children behave and you may have some answers as to what you're dealing with. I also notice you stated he's a lot more demanding of them and quick to punish. Honey, it sounds like he doesn't like/accept your children and is becoming very angry/enraged about it.

Last edited by HisMrs83; 09-16-2016 at 11:30 AM.
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post #28 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

He sounds like a lunatic.

The good news is that he has left, as otherwise who knows what would have happened? He could have gone completely off the deep end and caused physical harm to you or your children.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #29 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Based mostly on your other responses - you need to be rid of this guy. I don't know if he is abusive / controlling, mentally ill, or what, but he is absolutely no good for you or your kids. He left, don't ask him back. I suspect he is waiting for you to beg him to return. Please don't do it. I don't see anything positive here and a lot that is negative, with a hint of serious danger. Get a lawyer, draw up divorce papers and be done.

He us wrong, over-punishment fail. My parents made that mistake with my sister. She was a troublesome child and they took away all her rights and privileges - and then what? Short of beating her there really was nothing they could do. Punishments have to be measured - and its a really difficult problem. You know your kids and you can do better than anyone else.

It is not reasonable to expect children to only listen to religious music. This is a case where an extreme restriction will really be no restriction at all, because they will not respect the restriction. Lots of kids listen to songs with bad words, sneak peeks at the equivalent of playboy and try a cigarette. Its vital to separate normal stuff from trying heroin, or getting pregnant.


Again, get away from this guy. Don't take him back when he comes back (he will, if you don't beg for him first). He will be all apologetic and loving - its just that you drive him crazy you know......

Mentally Ill, or an abuser? You don't want either.






Quote:
Originally Posted by howdouknow View Post
He would punish them by taking freedoms away. Great! No problem! I know I could do better at my parenting and I could use the help with the kids! However....he would ground them from everything....for anything they did wrong. There is a warning first, but if it every happens again there must be a punishment. Not a single other warning. I'll be very honest....if I punished my kids the way he wants me to for EVERY single thing they did wrong, they would have no possessions and would ALWAYS be grounded. There was no leeway at all. Maybe that is how parents are supposed to be? Maybe this it my delusional issue that he speaks of? So many adults, teachers, coaches, bosses, compliment my kids and how much they like my kids. Can I really be doing that bad of a job and have so many people adore my kids?

Not to mention, with how long I was a single mom and parented my way, it would cause serious rebellion. We tried his way for about 3 months. I was AWFUL. The kids lost respect for him, and they were quickly losing it for me to. It wasn't how our family functioned. My then 15 year old even took off for several hours. I told H that I could not parent how he wanted me to. He backed off for a while. But I think ultimately he wanted me to do it his way. He essentially claims his kids are perfect, even though he will deny it if you ask him directly. But every time my kids would do something wrong he would say his kids would NEVER do something like that....!
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post #30 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 09:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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I don't like the church he chose for us to go to. I was going to another with my kids until we were married and he basically told me go to whatever church you want...but he would be going to that one. I wanted to go as a family so I started going to the one he wanted to go to.

This rang a bell. What is it about the church you don't like? Does he know you dislike his church?

On a side note, no reasonable man should say, "my kids would NEVER do something like that" to a woman in your position. It's hitting way below the belt.
The church is very small with very few teenagers. The worship leader is...well her singing hurts my ears. And there are differences in beliefs..... really only one that I can pinpoint, but its a major one. More than anything I was happy with the other one and my boys were cooperative in going there. I left a my lifelong religion about 2 years ago and it has been a major adjustment for my children and I. To have him just decide one day to attend another one with no discussion or anything else was very frustrating.
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