Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST! - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 09:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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This strikes me as a man who has become resentful of your children living at home. Of course I could definitely be wrong. However, it sounds as though he isn't/wasn't prepared for the change in his lifestyle. Hence, his being M.I.A. when he was there alone with them. He doesn't want to be bothered with people. Is he accustomed to living alone (or, without children in the home)? If his children only visit, how long has it been since he lived under the same roof with them on a full-time basis? He has become selfish in his own right and your life (with children) is forcing him to sacrifice life as he knows it AND his space. Add to it, he doesn't like your parenting style, or, how your children behave and you may have some answers as to what you're dealing with. I also notice you stated he's a lot more demanding of them and quick to punish. Honey, it sounds like he doesn't like/accept your children and is becoming very angry/enraged about it.
Yes I absolutely believe he resents my kids! He started making fun of my 18 year old (to me, not to my 18 year old). In a mocking voice saying...."Oh Josh...little Mr. Perfect...can't do any wrong..." and on and on. It had to do with me asking my H to clean up his stuff in the garage so Josh could access his to move it. H was always upset when I would listen to my kids when they gave me advice about my vehicles. They are pretty dang good mechanics actually. My H didn't like it. I don't know why. But I do listen to my older boys because they have never steered me wrong about whats wrong with the car or what maintenance needs to be done.

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post #32 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 09:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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He us wrong, over-punishment fail. My parents made that mistake with my sister. She was a troublesome child and they took away all her rights and privileges - and then what? Short of beating her there really was nothing they could do. Punishments have to be measured - and its a really difficult problem. You know your kids and you can do better than anyone else.

It is not reasonable to expect children to only listen to religious music. This is a case where an extreme restriction will really be no restriction at all, because they will not respect the restriction. Lots of kids listen to songs with bad words, sneak peeks at the equivalent of playboy and try a cigarette. Its vital to separate normal stuff from trying heroin, or getting pregnant.
I could feel my kids withdrawing from me. It was not good. I could not keep doing it my husbands way. You can certainly over punish and that is what happened with my then 15 year old. With him grounded from everything, there was no reason to listen at all. So I essentially bribed him to be good by lessening his punishment duration. Kind of a reduced sentence for good behavior. My H said that made me untrustworthy because I didn't keep my word in the original punishment.

Which reminds me, that was another thing he called me dishonest about; my older two kids live 2 hours away and often come home for the weekend. If I forgot to mention it to my H, then I was hiding it from him and thus cannot be trusted. I didn't purposely hide anything from him! There were times I waited to tell him something...like when I found out a passed a really big exam. When I do the results, H was mad at me about something, and when he is mad he ignores me. I was so excited that I passed the test but didn't want to tell him and have him ignore me. So I told my kids, friends, etc who were all excited for me and congratulated me.

So many issues...he had never told me good job for graduating...didn't even say congratulations at my graduation. As a matter of fact, he left early from it. No pictures outside afterwards....
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post #33 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 09:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Last post for now.....lol....

Today I texted him and said, "I am deeply sorry for any hurt, injury, or damage I have caused you. And I forgive you." The response about 30 minutes later was "Thank you." After all, there is nothing he might to apologize for....right??? I am hurt and sad, but I do forgive him, because I cannot hold onto that bitterness. But don't worry, I will be reading up on the 180 tonight. As difficult as it might be, I will not take him back. I will not ask him to come back, and I will not allow him back. Too much has happened. As good as things were in the beginning, they have been so horrible the last couple of months. The pain sucks right now, but I know my children and I are better off without him. I fully mourn the loss, and cry often. However I realize the loss is of a short lived fantasy. I will not miss the reality.

Last edited by howdouknow; 09-16-2016 at 09:52 PM.
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post #34 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 09:53 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Last post for now.....lol....

Today I texted him and said, "I am deeply sorry for any hurt, injury, or damage I have caused you. And I forgive you." The response about 30 minutes later was "Thank you." After all, there is nothing he might to apologize for....right??? I am hurt and sad, but I do forgive him, because I can hold onto that bitterness. But don't worry, I will be reading up on the 180 tonight. As difficult as it might be, I will not take him back. I will not ask him to come back, and I will not allow him back. Too much has happened. As good as things were in the beginning, they have been so horrible the last couple of months. The pain sucks right now, but I know my children and I are better off without him. I fully mourn the loss, and cry often. However I realize the loss is of a short lived fantasy. I will not miss the reality.
Stay strong. The hurt will go away eventually and then you will have the rest of your life to live without the burdens that he has been putting on you.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #35 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 01:20 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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The church is very small with very few teenagers. The worship leader is...well her singing hurts my ears. And there are differences in beliefs..... really only one that I can pinpoint, but its a major one. More than anything I was happy with the other one and my boys were cooperative in going there. I left a my lifelong religion about 2 years ago and it has been a major adjustment for my children and I. To have him just decide one day to attend another one with no discussion or anything else was very frustrating.
And you were the enabler here.

It is important that there is cooperation and harmony in a relation (also dynamics and individual space ofcourse) which seems to lack in your household.

Actually, LOVE is what is missing.

God Creates out of Nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but He does what is still more Wonderful: He makes Saints out of Sinners.

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post #36 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 08:14 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Step-parenting is hard. The number one requirement is any relationship is that HE MUST GENUINELY LOVE YOUR KIDS. That's not present and discipline is not his role. New families can be demanding and for whatever reason, he is not happy. So call it a day without bitterness realizing that this just did not work.
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post #37 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 11:26 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Please don't take him back.
You have done nothing wrong. He has done a LOT wrong. Forgive him if you wish, but please do not let him back in your life. Contact an attorney and get a divorce going.

I bet you he will try to find a way back. He will "forgive" you for *your* transgressions and offer to return. Its an abuser pattern - they try to make the victim feel that they are somehow at fault.

He is not just bad for you, he is very bad for your children.

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Originally Posted by howdouknow View Post
Last post for now.....lol....

Today I texted him and said, "I am deeply sorry for any hurt, injury, or damage I have caused you. And I forgive you." The response about 30 minutes later was "Thank you." After all, there is nothing he might to apologize for....right??? I am hurt and sad, but I do forgive him, because I cannot hold onto that bitterness. But don't worry, I will be reading up on the 180 tonight. As difficult as it might be, I will not take him back. I will not ask him to come back, and I will not allow him back. Too much has happened. As good as things were in the beginning, they have been so horrible the last couple of months. The pain sucks right now, but I know my children and I are better off without him. I fully mourn the loss, and cry often. However I realize the loss is of a short lived fantasy. I will not miss the reality.
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post #38 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 11:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

It's very frustrating that there was not more effort or communication on his part. It's frustrating that he can just walk away without another concern. Me...I have to juggle being a single mom again. I guess in the end I was playing that role anyways. I just wonder....how would he react if a man did the same thing in his kids lives?

There are no consequences for him. Just for my children and I

I have no idea how I could possibly trust my judgement of a man again in the future.

I think he is fully expecting that I will take him back at anytime. I'm sure he is also expecting that I will start begging for him to come back soon.

I am printing and filling out divorce papers today. I don't think I need an attorney but I guess time will tell on that...Don't know that I can really afford one too easily. I have a plan in place to have him served next weekend. Just need to find the person to do it....

Yes, I believe he is bad for my children now. I would never want my kids to act the way he has been acting lately!
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post #39 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 12:25 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Quote:
Originally Posted by howdouknow View Post
Last post for now.....lol....

Today I texted him and said, "I am deeply sorry for any hurt, injury, or damage I have caused you. And I forgive you." The response about 30 minutes later was "Thank you." After all, there is nothing he might to apologize for....right??? I am hurt and sad, but I do forgive him, because I cannot hold onto that bitterness. But don't worry, I will be reading up on the 180 tonight. As difficult as it might be, I will not take him back. I will not ask him to come back, and I will not allow him back. Too much has happened. As good as things were in the beginning, they have been so horrible the last couple of months. The pain sucks right now, but I know my children and I are better off without him. I fully mourn the loss, and cry often. However I realize the loss is of a short lived fantasy. I will not miss the reality.
This is good. God Bless!

The wound has stopped bleeding....pain continues......soon the scab will form.

The scar will be a lesson learned. Dagnabbit why is life so hard? If events were not hard they would bounce off leaving no dent in your memory.....and they would be repeated.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #40 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 09:43 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I married a man who had full custody of two boys 5 & 7. Bio mom was not a big part of the picture but the boys did see her a couple times a year. The boys were fine with me until they learned we were getting married and then some awful behavior started playing out and I was expected to take it. husband did not want to address the issues with his sons, said he wanted his sons to be able to be boys. Which meant that he and his sons would toss a football around inside the house until it hit my daughter in the nose and one of my antique jars got broken. Later it turned into them seeking porn on the internet and having Maxxum magazine in the house. Did husband address it? If telling the boy to keep it i n his car is addressing the issue, geesh!

It would be my guess that your husband feels you are not including him on the parenting and that what he says is disregarded, so why try. It causes a great deal of hard feelings...hard feelings between the step parent and the children but also with you and spouse. I actually wish my husband would have showed me the door and I would have left a year after we were married. It would have saved me years of frustration with the step family and everything else I dealt with.

I am not saying your husband is fully in the right or clear here but I do suspect that he is tired of the step family dynamic and your lack of parenting. I would suggest that you talk and make agreements as to how things will play out and executed. You have to do it together or it will not work.

As far as wanting to know where he is or checking, I do not think that is such a bad thing. If he resists that is an indication of something else....either he feels smothered or he is up to no good.

Your apologizing to ease your feelings or bring him back, not good! Apology needs to be specific.....what are you apologizing for? Do you need to apologize for it? You start apologizing when he runs and you set a pattern that is not healthy. Talk about the issues, once the issues have been layed-out, apology for what you can take responsibility for but do not apologize to win someone back on your life.

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post #41 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 10:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

You have some good points. And I think you are spot on in some areas. He didn't think I was dealing with issues. And maybe I am making excuses here....the double standard was horrible. Why should the kids have to clean the whole kitchen if they left a cup in the living room or on the counter? H would leave things out and when he remembered he would put them away? Why cannot the same be ok for the kids?

The kids could not leave a jacket out but the H would leave huge messes out for weeks in the name of "organizing".

Really none of the matters now anyways. This is day 13 of him being gone. I have no idea where he has been this whole time. He doesn't want to talk about anything. He asked for his belongings once, and I gave him some clothes cause that's all I had time to gather at the moment. Everything else his here....the rest of his clothes, tools, laptop that he uses to do his accounting for his self employment, guns, paperwork....everything. I don't understand!!

As for me giving a generic apology. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused him. Whether that pain is for a valid reason or not, I have never intended to hurt my spouse. EVER. It was not an apology of hoping he comes back. At this point we are long past that.

There are many signs that something more is going on. It's not just a stepchild issue here, although there were plenty of those. Someone brought up a point earlier in the thread that perhaps he was too used to living alone. He has lived alone since 2008-ish I believe. He does seem burdened by anyone interfering with how or when he wants to do something. He wants to march to the beat of his own drum and no one elses. He wants to do everything on his time schedule and most of the time it made absolutely no sense to me. He would plan out a long list of things he needed to accomplish in a day and then wait till 2 in the afternoon to get started. If I brought it up, then I was trying to control him and make things happen my way. I just don't know.
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post #42 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 10:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Well people of TAM....you all are very smart. I just called my FIL (who I really don't know well at all) and we talked for almost an hour. He says H has been this way for quite a while...secretive...runs from his problems....etc. FIL said he thinks H has some sort of mental or personality disorder, He told me H would walk out on his GF for days or weeks at a time.

And no, I don't think FIL was being malicious....he was sympathetic and wanting to help me. Although I know it can be seen the other way.

I learned several interesting things....like H never made his kids pick up after themselves like he gets on mine about. H has tons of stuff stored all over at his dads house....at his dads neighbors house...etc.

And I learned something that makes total sense in hind sight...but I didn't know at all. When H started living with me about 4 months before we were married....it was because his father and him had a disagreement and he was told he could not stay there any longer. So....looks like I was just the warm place to rest his head. Merely a convenience. I had no clue that's what happened. H told me he was ready to take our relationship further.....AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH I am not very smart at all.
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post #43 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 11:42 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

You ARE smart - you are getting out, with minimal harm done.
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post #44 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-20-2016, 12:41 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Well people of TAM....you all are very smart. I just called my FIL (who I really don't know well at all) and we talked for almost an hour. He says H has been this way for quite a while...secretive...runs from his problems....etc. FIL said he thinks H has some sort of mental or personality disorder, He told me H would walk out on his GF for days or weeks at a time.

And no, I don't think FIL was being malicious....he was sympathetic and wanting to help me. Although I know it can be seen the other way.

I learned several interesting things....like H never made his kids pick up after themselves like he gets on mine about. H has tons of stuff stored all over at his dads house....at his dads neighbors house...etc.

And I learned something that makes total sense in hind sight...but I didn't know at all. When H started living with me about 4 months before we were married....it was because his father and him had a disagreement and he was told he could not stay there any longer. So....looks like I was just the warm place to rest his head. Merely a convenience. I had no clue that's what happened. H told me he was ready to take our relationship further.....AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH I am not very smart at all.
DO NOT let him back. He is a child.
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post #45 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-20-2016, 12:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I will not take him back. I love him. Or I loved who I thought he was. But there is no way I can live the way it was in the end or make my kids deal with that!

If it is a mental or personality disorder.....anyone have an idea of what??
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