Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST! - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-28-2016, 10:28 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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I don't think there is a chance in the world I can get him into a counselor of any type. I have asked and begged and he wouldn't even speak to someone at church with me about the challenges we were facing.

He does not like counselors or anyone like them. He claims to receive all help and answers from the Bible. I am not knocking the Bible...I love the Bible....but I don't think seeking additional help is a bad thing either. He seems to think it is.
Since you're separating and divorcing, it doesn't really matter if he gets counselling or not. But this statement really shows you why you don't want to take him back. Nothing would change!

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Separately, but related still I think....H seems to have trouble making choices. Big or small, he seems to get paralyzed and not even respond to a question that involves a choice. At times he has said thats a God thing too. Like he is waiting on God for an answer and won't make a move in any direction until he gets an answer. I don't know...its really weird. He has literally done it at a stop sign before while trying to decide which was to turn. It wasn't crazy long....but unusually long for sure. It didn't even matter which way we turned because we were just out driving.
This tells you that you are going to have to be the one to do all the divorce paperwork.

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post #77 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-28-2016, 11:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Since you're separating and divorcing, it doesn't really matter if he gets counselling or not. But this statement really shows you why you don't want to take him back. Nothing would change!



This tells you that you are going to have to be the one to do all the divorce paperwork.
Divorce paperwork DONE!! Hoping he is too indecisive....or busy....or whatever to fight it!!
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post #78 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-02-2016, 09:06 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

HowDo, as I noted above, it is easy to identify various types of behavior (e.g., temper tantrums and irrational jealousy) as BPD symptoms because hundreds of mental health centers try to educate the lay public by describing those same symptoms at their websites. Moreover, after dating your H for a year and a half and living with him for 9 months, it should be easy for you to identify which BPD symptoms he exhibited at a strong level. I therefore found it interesting to see which of the 18 BPD Warning Signs you identified as being strong in post #67 above.

The ones you label strong are (1) black-white thinking, (2) frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions, (3) irrational jealousy (of your kids), (4) no lasting appreciation of your sacrifices, (5) flipping (once) from adoring you to hating you, (6) frequently creating drama over minor issues, (8) verbal abuse and temper tantrums, (9) intolerant of changed plans and sharing you with others (i.e., your kids), (10) always being "The Victim," (14) uncompleted projects and no firm goals, (16) no close long-term friends, and (18) always convinced his intense feelings are facts that reflect reality.

The symptoms you are uncertain about are (7) low self esteem, (11) lack of impulse control, (13) mirroring your personality and preferences during the courtship, and (17) acting differently around a variety of people by mirroring their personalities.

The symptoms you label weak or nonexistent are (12) complaining that all previous GFs were abusive and (15) relying on you to calm him down.

Because you identify most BPD warning signs (i.e., 12 of 18) as strong, you seem to be describing a strong pattern of BPD behaviors. Moreover, that pattern is even stronger if -- after reconsidering traits (7), (13) and (17) -- you later decide that some of them are strong too. You may wish to reconsider trait (7), for example, if his Dad is correct that his refusal to look for jobs is caused by low self esteem. And you may wish to reconsider trait (17) if you decide his ability to be so charismatic around total strangers arises from an ability to mirror their personalities and preferences.

I caution that, although you should be able to identify strong BPD symptoms, you are not capable of determining whether your H "has full-blown BPD." Only a professional can determine whether his symptoms are so severe and persistent that they meet the standard set by the psychiatric community for satisfying the needs of courts, psychiatric hospitals, and insurance companies.

Further, you also are incapable of diagnosing BPD. Indeed, nobody on the planet can do a real diagnosis of BPD or any other PD. That would require professionals to identify its underlying cause, which is yet unproven. All discussions of BPD symptoms, then, are simply discussions about behavioral symptoms, not diagnosis -- i.e., not in the way the term "diagnosis" is used in every medical field.

Importantly, you don't go to a medical doctor to be told what symptoms you have. Instead, YOU tell the doctor all about your symptoms. And, when you go to an auto repair shop, you don't go to be told about your car's symptoms. Rather, YOU tell the repairman what problems the car is exhibiting and he diagnoses the problems so as to tell you the cause of those symptoms.

Hence, whereas diagnosing a cause is the province of professionals, describing and identifying symptoms is the province of laymen (i.e., the client seeking help). Consequently, when a patient is unable to identify disease symptoms, that disease is said to be "asymptomatic," i.e., "without symptoms."

By definition, then, symptoms are traits that laymen are able to spot. This is why hundreds of mental institutions and hospitals describe the symptoms for NPD and BPD on their public websites. They know that, when laymen are able to spot these symptoms, they are far more likely to seek treatment -- for themselves or for their loved ones -- and to do so much sooner.
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post #79 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-02-2016, 11:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Thank you Uptown...always insightful.
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post #80 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-03-2016, 11:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

My case seems open and shut. Black and white. He's no good, be happy he is gone. Get over it.

If only it was that simple. My mind tells me that I am better off. That it doesn't matter what he is doing or who he is with. My heart begs for who he was to come back. My friends are probably tired of listening to me go on. Oh how I wish I could just turn if off. I wish I could stop from feeling...stop from thinking...stop from wishing.

He was at the store tonight. Yep...I approached him and asked him if we are ever going to talk. He went right back to 'his stuff'. Is that really all that matters to him??

It is clear he is living somewhere. He is clean shaven, he hair is fixed nicely, his clothes are clean. It's been one month today since he left. He was buying kids toys....for his kids? Maybe. For another womens kids? I almost think that is more likely. It would be so much easier if he would just tell the truth. Whatever it is. If he doesn't love me...if he never loved me...if there is someone else....if he hates me....whatever it is I wish he would just SAY IT!!! Part of me thinks it is just more emotional torture. That that is the real reason he won't talk. It would be so much easier for me if I just heard him tell me how it is.

He has until Oct 13th to respond to the divorce papers. My birthday is the 12th....I have a feeling that will be his birthday present to me. Most likely at work cause he knows I won't be able to hold back the tears. I was thinking about going out of town for the 12th and 13th just to not have to deal with that possibility on my birthday. Good idea or bad idea?

I am tired of hurting. He isn't even from this town....I wish he would leave.
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post #81 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 12:19 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

What are you doing for yourself? Exercising? Visiting friends?
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post #82 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 12:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Not much. I work full time. Get home, take care of kids, help them with homework. This past weekend we went and did a couple things as a family. That was nice.

I play volleyball once a week with a group of friends.

I started seeing a counselor. My first appointment was this past Friday. I will see her again this Friday.
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post #83 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 02:05 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Do your workmates know about the divorce? I suggest maybe telling a few and also warn them you might get the papers back at work and cry. Better to tell them now than have unexpected tears and be embarrassed as well. Anyone who knows a tenth of the details here would be stepping forward to comfort you and perhaps congratulate you for getting rid of him.

Or just don't be at work those two days.

Keep doing things with your kids and talking with them. Probably you all need more normal family time.

"Life wasn't meant to be easy;
but take heart, parts of it can be delightful."
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post #84 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 12:50 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Quote:
Originally Posted by howdouknow View Post
My case seems open and shut. Black and white. He's no good, be happy he is gone. Get over it.

If only it was that simple. My mind tells me that I am better off. That it doesn't matter what he is doing or who he is with. My heart begs for who he was to come back. My friends are probably tired of listening to me go on. Oh how I wish I could just turn if off. I wish I could stop from feeling...stop from thinking...stop from wishing.

He was at the store tonight. Yep...I approached him and asked him if we are ever going to talk. He went right back to 'his stuff'. Is that really all that matters to him??

It is clear he is living somewhere. He is clean shaven, he hair is fixed nicely, his clothes are clean. It's been one month today since he left. He was buying kids toys....for his kids? Maybe. For another womens kids? I almost think that is more likely. It would be so much easier if he would just tell the truth. Whatever it is. If he doesn't love me...if he never loved me...if there is someone else....if he hates me....whatever it is I wish he would just SAY IT!!! Part of me thinks it is just more emotional torture. That that is the real reason he won't talk. It would be so much easier for me if I just heard him tell me how it is.

He has until Oct 13th to respond to the divorce papers. My birthday is the 12th....I have a feeling that will be his birthday present to me. Most likely at work cause he knows I won't be able to hold back the tears. I was thinking about going out of town for the 12th and 13th just to not have to deal with that possibility on my birthday. Good idea or bad idea?

I am tired of hurting. He isn't even from this town....I wish he would leave.
His version doesn't even matter, he probably doesn't even know his own thoughts and feelings. He just knows that he gets off on playing you and hurting you. So instead of focusing on him "telling you how it is", make your life YOUR version of how it is. That you and your kids deserve a life that is free of emotional abuse, however that needs to happen. Its ok to mourn for what you had expected for your life, but you cannot stay in it and wallow. Remember if he came back, it would be the same as before he left, and you'd have to do this all over again. Don't do that to yourself or to your kids.

Hang in there, you will get through it, I promise!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #85 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-06-2016, 12:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

No, my coworkers don't know. I don't do well with sympathy in person. And I don't know them all that well, I have only been there since the end of June. I have told very few people at all. My kids know...well how can they not?? My closest friend knows. I haven't told my family. I am very embarrassed about this.

Anyways....I am almost positive he is already living with someone. He was buying toys the other day when I saw him at the store. Little kid toys, not something he would buy for his own kids. Geeze I wish I could warn the poor woman!! He is so smooth. So wonderful in the beginning. Everything a woman would want for herself and her kids. He is too good at his game. Just vulnerable enough. Knows all the right things to say and do. I wouldn't have believed it back then if someone told me the truth about him. No way.

Hey...does anybody know if the 20 days response time in court documents is business days or straight time?

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post #86 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-06-2016, 06:55 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Hon, you have GOT to tell people in your life. LET them help you. They will WANT to. Ok?
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post #87 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-06-2016, 10:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Yes I need to tell people. I am so embarrassed.
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post #88 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:28 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Do not be embarrassed.

What I see from your story is a woman who is taking steps to get herself out of a bad situation that was in no way her fault. Your story is positive for you, not negative.

Anyone can find themselves in a bad situation. What shows character is the strength to find your way out.


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Yes I need to tell people. I am so embarrassed.
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post #89 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Thank you uhtred. I really appreciate that.

So...I told more friends and my family tonight. Her is an awesome quote from one of my very close friends, "I had a patient come in today has smoked for 40 years a pack a day and hasn't had his teeth cleaned for more than 20 years now you don't have to be a dental hygienist to know that that is going to be one messed-up mouth. Just like you don't have to be a counselor or an expert to know that he is an unhealthy individual that should be handled carefully so take care of yourself protect yourself and don't put up with that s***"

She is an awesome friend!
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post #90 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 06:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I have attached a some pages from a book I just finished reading. A lot of him describes him to a T!! It would be interested for anyone to read who's spouse makes them feel crazy. Yes, that is my writing, underlining, etc.

By the way...he has talked more the last two days than he has the last month. It's all directed towards MY issues and what I would have to do to fix things. He really does not accept any fault in this. He has still not apologized for any of his actions...not a single one.

I really don't want him back. What i want is for him to see reality for what it is!! I am not trying to act like I am perfect and have no fault. I have certainly not reacted in the best ways. Just ranting I guess. His latest attacks on me have been about my spirituality, or lack there of in his opinion.
Attached Files
File Type: pdf To a T.pdf (1.30 MB, 61 views)

Last edited by howdouknow; 10-08-2016 at 06:56 PM.
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