HowDo, as I noted above, it is easy to identify various types of behavior (e.g., temper tantrums and irrational jealousy) as BPD symptoms because hundreds of mental health centers try to educate the lay public by describing those same symptoms at their websites. Moreover, after dating your H for a year and a half and living with him for 9 months, it should be easy for you to identify which BPD symptoms he exhibited at a strong level. I therefore found it interesting to see which of the 18 BPD Warning Signs
you identified as being strong in post #67 above.
The ones you label strong
are (1) black-white thinking, (2) frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions, (3) irrational jealousy (of your kids), (4) no lasting appreciation of your sacrifices, (5) flipping (once) from adoring you to hating you, (6) frequently creating drama over minor issues, (8) verbal abuse and temper tantrums, (9) intolerant of changed plans and sharing you with others (i.e., your kids), (10) always being "The Victim," (14) uncompleted projects and no firm goals, (16) no close long-term friends, and (18) always convinced his intense feelings are facts that reflect reality.
The symptoms you are uncertain abou
t are (7) low self esteem, (11) lack of impulse control, (13) mirroring your personality and preferences during the courtship, and (17) acting differently around a variety of people by mirroring their personalities.
The symptoms you label weak or nonexistent
are (12) complaining that all previous GFs were abusive and (15) relying on you to calm him down.
Because you identify most BPD warning signs (i.e., 12 of 18) as strong, you seem to be describing a strong pattern of BPD behaviors. Moreover, that pattern is even stronger if -- after reconsidering traits (7), (13) and (17) -- you later decide that some of them are strong too. You may wish to reconsider trait (7), for example, if his Dad is correct that his refusal to look for jobs is caused by low self esteem. And you may wish to reconsider trait (17) if you decide his ability to be so charismatic around total strangers arises from an ability to mirror their personalities and preferences.
I caution that, although you should be able to identify strong BPD symptoms, you are not capable of determining whether your H "has full-blown BPD." Only a professional can determine whether his symptoms are so severe and persistent that they meet the standard set by the psychiatric community for satisfying the needs of courts, psychiatric hospitals, and insurance companies.
Further, you also are incapable of diagnosing BPD. Indeed, nobody on the planet can do a real diagnosis of BPD or any other PD. That would require professionals to identify its underlying cause, which is yet unproven. All discussions of BPD symptoms, then, are simply discussions about behavioral symptoms, not diagnosis -- i.e., not in the way the term "diagnosis" is used in every medical field.
Importantly, you don't go to a medical doctor to be told what symptoms you have. Instead, YOU tell the doctor all about your symptoms. And, when you go to an auto repair shop, you don't go to be told about your car's symptoms. Rather, YOU tell the repairman what problems the car is exhibiting and he diagnoses the problems so as to tell you the cause
of those symptoms.
Hence, whereas diagnosing a cause
is the province of professionals, describing and identifying symptoms
is the province of laymen (i.e., the client seeking help). Consequently, when a patient is unable to identify disease symptoms, that disease is said to be "asymptomatic," i.e., "without symptoms."
By definition, then, symptoms are traits that laymen are able to spot. This is why hundreds of mental institutions and hospitals describe the symptoms for NPD and BPD on their public websites. They know that, when laymen are able to spot these symptoms, they are far more likely to seek treatment -- for themselves or for their loved ones -- and to do so much sooner.