Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST! - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Some never see reality. Ignore him.

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post #92 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 09:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Hey all. Just an update. Its been 8 weeks today. Nothing is new. Nothing is different. He still won't talk about it. Really the only dialog is me asking when we will talk and him saying how awful I am. The pain and heartache is less severe. Time heals all....right? I still cry more than I want. I still miss the man I married. I still (and probably always will) wonder why he married me in the first place. Nine months is a joke to say he tried.

I'll just keep working on me. It's all I can do.
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post #93 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 10:24 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

What did you expect? You haven't changed anything. You haven't strived for better. You haven't demanded more. Of course nothing has changed.

I AM curious though: in what ways are you 'working on you?'
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post #94 of 123 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 10:39 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Stop trying to talk with him about things, the only thing that does is keep him pushed away, and you will not be able to discuss any parenting plans or anything with him that way. Go file for divorce if you haven't yet, and get it moving. Seems he isn't coming back and hard as it may be, you need to accept that fact and try to move forward.

Oh...and remind yourself that its better this way. You and your kids can live in peace.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #95 of 123 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 10:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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What did you expect? You haven't changed anything. You haven't strived for better. You haven't demanded more. Of course nothing has changed.

I AM curious though: in what ways are you 'working on you?'
Geeze....that sounds exactly like my husband! Honestly can't tell if you are being serious or sarcastic.





I am seeing a counselor....working on self esteem. Trying to understand that I can love myself as I am and that that won't make me complacent. I am trying to be present in the moment...with my kids, work, etc.

I am trying to learn to balance between giving all the time I have to my kids and taking time for myself.

Reading...lots of reading and writing. Trying to determine what my faults were in the marriage so I can make changes as needed.

I guess that's it. I don't know how to fit more into my schedule right now. Time constraints are frustrating.
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post #96 of 123 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 10:58 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Nine months is a joke to say he tried.
NO, HE HAS !

He's trialed, tried and convicted.

Soon to be sentenced to solitary confinement.....alone, in the dark. Left in his cell with a small knife to carve Roman Numerals on the cold wall, that chronicle his days.

Nine months? His progeny emerges with a plop on the floor. Tis' a blind slug...a mirror image of the sire himself.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #97 of 123 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 10:46 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Geeze....that sounds exactly like my husband! Honestly can't tell if you are being serious or sarcastic.

I am seeing a counselor....working on self esteem. Trying to understand that I can love myself as I am and that that won't make me complacent. I am trying to be present in the moment...with my kids, work, etc.

I am trying to learn to balance between giving all the time I have to my kids and taking time for myself.

Reading...lots of reading and writing. Trying to determine what my faults were in the marriage so I can make changes as needed.

I guess that's it. I don't know how to fit more into my schedule right now. Time constraints are frustrating.
First, have you read The Dance Of Anger yet? If not, you should read this before anything else.

Second, this situation doesn't require you figuring out how YOU screwed up the marriage. It requires you figuring out how you accepted your spouse's mistreatment. How did you come to believe they had the right to do so?

btw, I was being serious. You continued to accept poor treatment, and your response was to figure out what YOU are doing wrong.

Nothing will change until you decide you deserve more.

You acknowledge that he was abusive; so spend more of your time that you DO have available learning what living with abuse does to you. I'm sure you've read about that; how the victim loses all self respect, self worth, blames herself. So focus in on the end result of how you ended up, instead of figuring out what YOU did wrong. That way, you don't waste time.

Last edited by turnera; 11-02-2016 at 10:50 AM.
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post #98 of 123 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 10:53 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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First, have you read The Dance Of Anger yet? If not, you should read this before anything else.

Second, this situation doesn't require you figuring out how YOU screwed up the marriage. It requires you figuring out how you accepted your spouse's mistreatment. How did you come to believe they had the right to do so?

btw, I was being serious. You continued to accept poor treatment, and your response was to figure out what YOU are doing wrong.

Nothing will change until you decide you deserve more.

You acknowledge that he was abusive; so spend more of your time that you DO have available learning what living with abuse does to you. I'm sure you've read about that; how the victim loses all self respect, self worth, blames herself. So focus in on the end result of how you ended up, instead of figuring out what YOU did wrong. That way, you don't waste time.
THE KIDS DESERVE MORE...that fact alone should be motivating enough!

Its good that you are reading and working on yourself so that you don't allow this to happen with another man in the future. Stop blaming yourself for him being a d!ck.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #99 of 123 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 01:14 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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I am seeing a counselor....working on self esteem. Trying to understand that I can love myself as I am and that that won't make me complacent. I am trying to be present in the moment...with my kids, work, etc.

I am trying to learn to balance between giving all the time I have to my kids and taking time for myself.

Reading...lots of reading and writing. Trying to determine what my faults were in the marriage so I can make changes as needed.

I guess that's it. I don't know how to fit more into my schedule right now. Time constraints are frustrating.
This is a positive direction you enter here. I would only like suggest you very much limit looking at your faults in the past.

It is important to evaluate WITHOUT SELF JUDGEMENT your situation and behavior at present, define where you want to be in the future, and set only the first step in that direction. Focus on only one step. When you succeed in that step, look again what the next step will be.

(The without self judgement does not mean it was not bad, only that to enhance it is not very useful to feel more bad feelings, it is much better to start feeling good feelings about yourself because you took a new right step.)

I am just a layman on this, but I heard advise like this before, and think it can change your situation fast.

God Creates out of Nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but He does what is still more Wonderful: He makes Saints out of Sinners.

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post #100 of 123 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 08:55 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Best ways to improve self esteem (learn to love yourself):
Try new things - teaches you not to fear the world, but to embrace it
Accomplish something - knowing you can build a table, throw some pottery, get an A in a class fills you with pride and self love, a little at a time; the more you accomplish, the better you love yourself
Therapy - believe it or not, therapists really DO know more than we do about fixing ourselves; they go through at least six years of specialized courses and know what works in most situations
Journaling - you'll be surprised how much you learn about yourself just be reading back where you were 'at' at a given time; the perspective helps you detach from that person and become more objective
Exercise - proven to increase health levels, improve your feelings about your looks (= value), and give you energy
Dress better - it really does make a difference to dress well, to look attractive when you're out and about (or even when you're just at home), to spend a little money on a nice piece of jewelry because you deserve it, and so on
Spend more time with friends - friends validate you and your worth, show you that you're someone people like and maybe even would want to date down the road; you'll never see these things unless you get out with friends

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post #101 of 123 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 09:06 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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We were friends and/or dated for a year and a half before getting married. We were married in January 2016. Now...just 9 months later and he is gone ... done ...it's over. He was a thoughtful and kind man.
File for an ANNULMENT fast. The clock is running out of time.

If this story is 100% true, then this guy is a raving fvcking lunatic.

Or he's cheating on you. Either way, for your kids sake, you need to RUN.

Chalk it up to up to a bad decision you can erase if you move quickly.

Get to a lawyer and file before it's too late. He's a loser, you're better off.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #102 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Thank you for all of the advice from the last time I wrote. I took some time to mull things over...figure a few things out. So here's the latest....

1) Started exercising...just a little and I will increase over time...baby steps in that area!

2) My counselor is helpful...reading and learning is very helpful...my friends are the most helpful in reminding me of who I am versus who my stbx would like me to believe I am.

3) I have been working on what is fact and what is fiction that my stbx says. He has this horribly amazing way of taking a little tiny truth and wrapping it up in a big ball of nonsense. I latch onto the little bit of truth he states and then swallow the whole ball. Not anymore. Everyday I become more aware of his tactics. He is trying to destroy me emotionally and I am not falling for it anymore!

4) Still working on establishing new goals. My goal for many years was getting my degree...that happened this past May and after my husband left, I have realized how important it is to have a long term goal. Some obvious ones....get my PE (Professional Engineer) license in 4 years when I am eligible to take the test. Buy a house.

5) The divorce will be final 2 weeks from today. I still don't want it. But I realize it's what needs to happen.

6) I still need to figure out how to be more compassionate with myself. I need to work on taking better care of me and really loving myself. It's been a lifelong issue and I realize I do not value myself enough. I struggle to give myself credit for my own accomplishments and see my own strengths.

I really really let my stbx in my head. My self esteem was already low and then it hit near rock bottom and I blamed myself for nearly all of the issues in the relationship. He still tries to pin it all on me every chance he gets. Talking to his ex-wife has been beneficial for both of us. Having someone else experience the exact same issues with him validates us....if that makes sense. lol She is a good woman who stayed with him for 14 years! I cannot even imagine dealing with him for that long....nine months was near torturous after he flipped from complete nice guy to domineering 'victim'!

I am really trying to focus on the future and let go of the past. My kids are doing great. My job is going well. Life is good aside from this mess with my stbx. It will be over soon. I am still torn up about it. But I realize I can continue to mourn and still move on. It's all a process.
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post #103 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 08:39 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Sounds like you're doing well. To be compassionate...try to image what you would do if you had nobody else in your life. Try to image where you'd go if you had more money than you could spend. Try to think back to when you were a kid. Do THAT stuff.
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post #104 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 10:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

10 days until d-day... and he informs me that we should not get divorced but rather be separated long term and that he has no desire to come back. I have no idea what goes through that mans head. He acts as though he hates me....rarely communicates with me...doesn't wear his wedding band...but wants to stay married?? For what purpose??
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post #105 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 10:51 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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10 days until d-day... and he informs me that we should not get divorced but rather be separated long term and that he has no desire to come back. I have no idea what goes through that mans head. He acts as though he hates me....rarely communicates with me...doesn't wear his wedding band...but wants to stay married?? For what purpose??
So he can manipulate other women. "Sure, I love you but I can't put a ring on it, I'm still married to my evil ex who won't grant me a divorce. Woe is me, woe woe woe, a nice BJ will cheer me up."

Push the divorce through. There could be financial ramifications if you don't.
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