Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST! - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 11:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I didn't even think of that. It made me laugh...and kinda want to cry....and I can totally see that.

So I asked him (all via email since that is the only way we communicate right now)....if you want to be married...why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?

His response, "To me it represents honesty, trust, loyalty, etc. I don't have that and i don't want to b reminded of It all day long."

And I know that was intended to mean that I am not honest, trustworthy, and loyal...so my reply was, "I suppose it would be awful to be reminded of your own failures on a constant basis. However that is an excuse. What it represents is that YOU ARE A MARRIED MAN, and from what I can tell you don't want to live the life of a married man. I have no idea...zero...zip...as to why you want to remain married. Will you please explain that?"

The next email I get will most likely ask why he should continue to communicate with me when I am so mean to him...it seems he can be as mean as he wants, however I am expected to be all sugar and smiles not matter what....

Seriously this man....I really do wonder what makes him think I would want to or be willing to stay married to him at this point.....???

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post #107 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 11:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

As expected....his response, "I answered the question out of courtesy knowing u would spew poison in rebuttle as u have so many times in the past."

So it's poison when I use his exact words against him, but not when he says it to me? Wow.

Ok, please do tell me if I am the one who is wrong about this....
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post #108 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 11:28 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Stop emailing even. It is so pointless.

Sometimes, we don't get to understand. It is ridiculously frustrating....at first.

It's still new. It will get easier. It's already easier in the household, it's easier on your kids....and it really is easier for you on a day to day basis than it was when he lived there.

Quit asking/inviting about his riddles. It doesn't even matter what he says.

Just let it go. Disengage.
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post #109 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 03:00 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I agree.

There's no point in trying to communicate wth him.
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post #110 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Why is it so damn difficult for me to do that!?? I KNOW I am better off not dealing with his issues....I KNOW I should disengage. I KNOW that the divorce is what needs to happen...it's like an awful horrible addiction.
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post #111 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 08:23 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Originally Posted by howdouknow View Post
Why is it so damn difficult for me to do that!?? I KNOW I am better off not dealing with his issues....I KNOW I should disengage. I KNOW that the divorce is what needs to happen...it's like an awful horrible addiction.
I believe it's spiritual. You gave yourself to him. In order to break the bond you have to renounce and reject his "ownership" of you. (for lack of a better word) You bound yourself to him for life. Now you have to make a declaration in order to unbind yourself from him. Then you have to make a declaration that you are free from bondage to him and you are a single woman (not legally yet, but now in the process of making it legal).

Edit to add: You are a Christian, correct? If so, I can write you a prayer that might help you to do this. I'm not subscribed to your thread, so you you can send me a pm if you'd like me to do this for you.


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post #112 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 09:40 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Why is it so damn difficult for me to do that!?? I KNOW I am better off not dealing with his issues....I KNOW I should disengage. I KNOW that the divorce is what needs to happen...it's like an awful horrible addiction.
I believe we can become addicted and then we lead with our heart and not our head.

Breaking that addiction takes time. Disengaging is the first step.
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post #113 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 11:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Yep...heart still wants to stay married...willing to keep going through all of this for the slight possibility of a positive outcome someday. Head says DIVORCE ASAP!!! And basically I hate it all right now....every bit of it.
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post #114 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 11:32 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

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Yep...heart still wants to stay married...willing to keep going through all of this for the slight possibility of a positive outcome someday. Head says DIVORCE ASAP!!! And basically I hate it all right now....every bit of it.
Listen to your head, your heart has no brain, but it will catch up.
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post #115 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 07:38 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

You can always get back together later, if there's a good enough reason. For now, do what you need to do.

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post #116 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Against everyone's advice...I met him to talk. He finally agreed to talk in person for the first time since he left. It was EXACTLY what I needed! He admitted to being verbally and emotionally abusive. He admitted to being a hypocrite. He admitted to many many things. And then he proceeded to tell me he has not and will not seek help. But he wanted to know what I have done, am doing, and will do to fix my issues. It was more of the same garbage...he doesn't need to change...but I do. The divorce is my fault. Etc...etc...etc... I caught him in multiple lies while we sat there talking. He skated around so many questions refusing to directly answer them.

He was royally pissed off that I sent his kids gift cards for Christmas even though (or maybe especially since) he didn't do anything for them. His kids know nothing about us getting a divorce. He hasn't told his family...etc.

So....tomorrow at 9am I will be in court for the divorce. I have a feeling he will show up and try to pull something. I hope not.

I really needed the talk. It was like I needed to see once and for all that this is who he is. That it wasn't errors and miscommunication in email. I needed to see that he is aware of his issues and simply does not care and will not take responsibility for them. The last thing he said to me was, "Go to hell." Such a loving christian man he is....

I am settled. I am at peace. Tomorrow I will no longer me attached to this man in any way.
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post #117 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 09:42 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I am so glad for you that you were able to get this...closure?... confirmation? Now you can move forward, good luck with your court date.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #118 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 12:28 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

There comes a moment when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.
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post #119 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 07:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

It is done. He emailed me late last night and this morning...essentially trying to guilt trip me into not going through with it. Had he apologized and agreed to get help it might have worked, so I guess I should be glad that he continued using the same methods. He did not show up to court.

It is done. It is finished. I am still sad. I will continue to grieve. But it is nice to not have it hanging over my head and looming....if that makes sense.

So...on goes life. Time to love myself completely and take care of me. This is my time now. I have happy healthy kids and a good job. It can only get better from here, right?

Last edited by howdouknow; 12-30-2016 at 09:33 PM.
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post #120 of 123 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:05 PM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

@howdouknow

I'm so glad to read your update. I'm so happy for you that you can move on now.

I wanted to share this with you because I think this is possibly the disorder your ex-h has:

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) ? Out of the FOG

In sharing this with you, I urge you NOT to consider sharing this with your ex-h or to use it in anyway to try to help him "get better".

This is hopefully just so that you can understand the reality you had with him and why he acts the way he does. It may help you feel less crazy about the whole mess and your part in it.

People who love someone with a personality disorder have a really hard time because being with that person makes them feel insane, and it is almost impossible to describe to another person who hasn't witnessed it how the PD person affects you and the things they do.

The PD people themselves usually have no awareness that there is anything wrong with them, and with OCPD in particular, NOT BEING WRONG about ANYTHING is one of the main aspects of the PD.

There is nothing you could have done better or differently. The fact that you got out this early in the game is a life saver for you and your children, which I hope you will feel fully one day.

Again sorry you have gone through this and I hope by what I've shared you get a tiny bit of peace that it was never you and there was no chance your love for him could have made him "better".

((((hugs))))

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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