Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 01:19 AM Thread Starter
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Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I am dazed and confused....and every other emotion I can think of.

I thought he was a really good man. I thought he was the type who honored marriage and held it in high regards. I thought he was committed....the list goes on and on....

We were friends and/or dated for a year and a half before getting married. We were married in January 2016. Now...just 9 months later and he is gone ... done ...it's over. He was a thoughtful and kind man. We have both been married before, and I have 3 kids living at home. He was nice to them...a little more demanding than I am. I am a pretty laid back mom.

Through the course of our short marriage things went from really good to absolutely awful. The kids and I could do nothing right in his eyes. The house was always too messy...even if that just meant a cup on the counter. Shortly after getting married he stopped being thoughtful and kind. Everything changed....if any of my family came over, or even one of my 2 older kids who don't live at home...he would hole up in the bedroom and act angry at me. Anything that anybody did wrong was my fault. Then he started going to the store in the evenings when I wanted us to spend time together. He would take an abnormally long time and if I asked what took so long, there would always be a reason...he couldn't find what he needed, or he ended up stopping at another store...or whatever. I asked if he would just please text me and let me know...well then I was accused of being controlling.


To keep this short....for the last 6 weeks it seems like he has purposely picked fights. They continued to escalate until Labor Day night. He was being so mean...saying everything that he knew would hurt me the most. Then came up with some crazy stuff...saying I am fraudulent, delusional, a liar, an enabler....and on and on. He was talking in this strange mocking voice and cussing and swearing (which I have VERY rarely heard him do). I was asking...telling...begging him to stop fighting with me. Finally I had had it and told him, "If you don't like me and don't want to be here then leave!!" He bolted out of bed, grabbed an armful of stuff and was out the door. AND THEN...he ignored me for a solid week. I texted him once every day with a message that read "Please do not come home when the kids are here unless you are ready to figure our marriage out nicely....without mocking....without name calling." Nothing....for a solid week. When he finally did respond back he said he wanted to come get his stuff "without a hassle". That was Tuesday....it is Thursday and there has been no talk about fixing anything or him coming back. I gave him some of his clothes on Tuesday..even after he was very rude and said I was holding his stuff hostage....blah blah blah. When I asked why he is ending our marriage he said, "I'm not ending our marriage." Explain that!!??

Anyways...I have no idea what is going on ....I just know this sucks and I hurt BAD.


Last edited by howdouknow; 09-16-2016 at 02:25 AM.
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post #2 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 01:28 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Hi, I am a afraid he either has an affair or a mental disorder. The symptoms can apply to both, but I am not a specialist here.

Both are not good, but you need to find out which it is. You can start asking him about it?

God Creates out of Nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but He does what is still more Wonderful: He makes Saints out of Sinners.

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post #3 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 01:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I asked tonight if there is another woman his reply was, "No, Your imagination and fear are still unchecked and uncontrolled." He hasn't been home in over 10 days now....and THAT is his reply?

He also referred to me as his enemy tonight..... so incredibly hurt....
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post #4 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 01:52 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Well, that looks to me like a gas lighting answer. Maybe he projects his anger about his own mental conflict of guilt to you and interest in another woman (or man) on you. It looks a bit familiar.

Cheaters, especially men, want to keep their options open, and you are bringing him in trouble, in his eyes. But as said, for the cheating scenario much more info is needed from you, you need to spy on him.
For the mental illness scenario I can not speak.

God Creates out of Nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but He does what is still more Wonderful: He makes Saints out of Sinners.

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post #5 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 01:55 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

To ask a standard question from the CWI forum: How has your sex life changed over the period you know him? ( I am sorry, but it is a real good indicator)

God Creates out of Nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but He does what is still more Wonderful: He makes Saints out of Sinners.

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post #6 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

He claims to be a high needs man (aren't most of them!!??) but when he was upset with me he would withhold all affection including sex. The fighting has gotten worse thus the sex has been less. Still it was usually a couple times a week. In the beginning it was as much as we could get it. I have never told him no.
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post #7 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Thinking back though....in the end it was me initiating 95% of the time....
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post #8 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:07 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Does he have any serious complaints (reasonable or not) about you? The bit about cup left out seems like a symptom not a cause.

He could be suffering from mental illness.

Whatever the cause, I think your are probably better off without him.
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post #9 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:09 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

...

Last edited by Personal; 10-26-2016 at 11:37 PM.
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post #10 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Yes, he has serious complaints about me. His biggest complaint is about my parenting. And it is probably the most valid. I don't punish my kids often. If they do something wrong I usually talk to them and assign them extra chores. Occasionally they get grounded from electronics but for the most part they don't care about video games and tv. My kids are on the outspoken side, a little wild, and very adventurous. I like them that way. And he was well aware of it before marrying me.

His other complaints about me are non-sense in my opinion...I would love to hear others opinions.... He says I am controlling because I expect him to let me know if he is going to be late getting home. He says I am controlling because I want to know where he is during the day (he is self employed). I don't expect a step by step narrative, but a general idea would be nice...most of the time when I asked what he did that day it was out of general conversation....not some sort of interrogation!


I cannot help but wonder if he does project his issues onto me and my kids. He was allowed to make any mess he wanted (omg you would not believe how much crap he had in our back yard that he was 'working on' and getting ready to sell! It was disgusting and embarrassing!) But then he would be upset about a pair of kids socks in the living room. His stuff was piled on his dresser and in a laundry basket....but everyone else had to have their things put away at all times unless they were using it right that second. He harped on my boys for not finishing projects, but it took him over 6 weeks to do a simple brake job on a car.

In the last big fight he called be fraudulent....I honestly have no idea where that came from...but he has been charged with fraud in the past although he was not criminally convicted.

In the last fight he called me a liar....I try very hard to be honest at all times....but I have caught him in several lies lately.

He said I extort....again, no clue what he is referring to.....really don't know of him extorting anything either though, although it's closely tied to fraud.

Oh my goodness....so many isssues....its really exhausting....

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post #11 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:26 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

He may have some sort of mental issues, if we expand that definition to include personality disorders (borderline personality, etc.).

If he is NOT in an affair (and your description of his behavior sounds more like a mental issue than an affair to me), then it seems like he has developed some sort of resentment towards you. A very deep one. Thus, he developed a hair-trigger sensitivity to any slight at all.

Do you have ANY idea at all what he is referring to when he says you were "fraudulent, disillusion, liar, enabler"..? It sounds like he believes HE was the victim of a lie or misrepresentation. I'm not saying it has to be a legitimate complaint, but do you have any sense of what wrong (whether it is IN HIS MIND only or not) he suffered? You don't have to agree it is legitimate, just trying to get a sense of where his anger is coming from.
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post #12 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:28 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Quote:
Originally Posted by howdouknow View Post
Yes, he has serious complaints about me. His biggest complaint is about my parenting. And it is probably the most valid. I don't punish my kids often. If they do something wrong I usually talk to them and assign them extra chores. Occasionally they get grounded from electronics but for the most part they don't care about video games and tv. My kids are on the outspoken side, a little wild, and very adventurous. I like them that way. And he was well aware of it before marrying me.

His other complaints about me are non-sense in my opinion...I would love to hear others opinions.... He says I am controlling because I expect him to let me know if he is going to be late getting home. He says I am controlling because I want to know where he is during the day (he is self employed). I don't expect a step by step narrative, but a general idea would be nice...most of the time when I asked what he did that day it was out of general conversation....not some sort of interrogation!


I cannot help but wonder if he does project his issues onto me and my kids. He was allowed to make any mess he wanted (omg you would not believe how much crap he had in our back yard that he was 'working on' and getting ready to sell! It was disgusting and embarrassing!) But then he would be upset about a pair of kids socks in the living room. His stuff was piled on his dresser and in a laundry basket....but everyone else had to have their things put away at all times unless they were using it right that second. He harped on my boys for not finishing projects, but it took him over 6 weeks to do a simple brake job on a car.

In the last big fight he called be fraudulent....I honestly have no idea where that came from...but he has been charged with fraud in the past although he was not criminally convicted.

In the last fight he called me a liar....I try very hard to be honest at all times....but I have caught him in several lies lately.

He said I extort....again, no clue what he is referring to.....really don't know of him extorting anything either though, although it's closely tied to fraud.

Oh my goodness....so many isssues....its really exhausting....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfman1968 View Post
He may have some sort of mental issues, if we expand that definition to include personality disorders (borderline personality, etc.).

If he is NOT in an affair (and your description of his behavior sounds more like a mental issue than an affair to me), then it seems like he has developed some sort of resentment towards you. A very deep one. Thus, he developed a hair-trigger sensitivity to any slight at all.

Do you have ANY idea at all what he is referring to when he says you were "fraudulent, disillusion, liar, enabler"..? It sounds like he believes HE was the victim of a lie or misrepresentation. I'm not saying it has to be a legitimate complaint, but do you have any sense of what wrong (whether it is IN HIS MIND only or not) he suffered? You don't have to agree it is legitimate, just trying to get a sense of where his anger is coming from.
Oops, OK, you wrote out this post while I was composing my questions to this very issue.
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post #13 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:32 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

Quote:
Originally Posted by howdouknow View Post
Yes, he has serious complaints about me. His biggest complaint is about my parenting. And it is probably the most valid. I don't punish my kids often. If they do something wrong I usually talk to them and assign them extra chores. Occasionally they get grounded from electronics but for the most part they don't care about video games and tv. My kids are on the outspoken side, a little wild, and very adventurous. I like them that way. And he was well aware of it before marrying me.

His other complaints about me are non-sense in my opinion...I would love to hear others opinions.... He says I am controlling because I expect him to let me know if he is going to be late getting home. He says I am controlling because I want to know where he is during the day (he is self employed). I don't expect a step by step narrative, but a general idea would be nice...most of the time when I asked what he did that day it was out of general conversation....not some sort of interrogation!


I cannot help but wonder if he does project his issues onto me and my kids. He was allowed to make any mess he wanted (omg you would not believe how much crap he had in our back yard that he was 'working on' and getting ready to sell! It was disgusting and embarrassing!) But then he would be upset about a pair of kids socks in the living room. His stuff was piled on his dresser and in a laundry basket....but everyone else had to have their things put away at all times unless they were using it right that second. He harped on my boys for not finishing projects, but it took him over 6 weeks to do a simple brake job on a car.

In the last big fight he called be fraudulent....I honestly have no idea where that came from...but he has been charged with fraud in the past although he was not criminally convicted.

In the last fight he called me a liar....I try very hard to be honest at all times....but I have caught him in several lies lately.

He said I extort....again, no clue what he is referring to.....really don't know of him extorting anything either though, although it's closely tied to fraud.

Oh my goodness....so many isssues....its really exhausting....

You know, as I read this, I wonder if there is ANOTHER DEEPER issue he is angry about, and he is only using these points as a way to lash out at you.
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post #14 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:34 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

I think he is being unreasonable, maybe mentally unstable, but lets explore more:

How would he punish the kids? What are the things that they do that he thinks deserves punishment. (how old are they?)

Is there a practical reason for wanting to know when he will be home - like having dinner ready? Does he understand that if you don't know, he gets cold food?

I can see his feeling unhappy with your wanting to know where he is during the day. Why do you want to know? With my wife and I, we call each other if we will be late, but otherwise don't care where the other is during the day.

His ideas on mess / clutter seem very strange. Does he think of what he is doing as "work" and somehow different from what you are doing???

Fraud? Liar? He gives no indication of where that came from? Its sadly true that dishonest people tend to think that others around them are being dishonest. My father was a fundamentally dishonest man, and he would often accuse me of trying to scam the family out of money - because that is what he would have done in my position.


Quote:
Originally Posted by howdouknow View Post
Yes, he has serious complaints about me. His biggest complaint is about my parenting. And it is probably the most valid. I don't punish my kids often. If they do something wrong I usually talk to them and assign them extra chores. Occasionally they get grounded from electronics but for the most part they don't care about video games and tv. My kids are on the outspoken side, a little wild, and very adventurous. I like them that way. And he was well aware of it before marrying me.

His other complaints about me are non-sense in my opinion...I would love to hear others opinions.... He says I am controlling because I expect him to let me know if he is going to be late getting home. He says I am controlling because I want to know where he is during the day (he is self employed). I don't expect a step by step narrative, but a general idea would be nice...most of the time when I asked what he did that day it was out of general conversation....not some sort of interrogation!


I cannot help but wonder if he does project his issues onto me and my kids. He was allowed to make any mess he wanted (omg you would not believe how much crap he had in our back yard that he was 'working on' and getting ready to sell! It was disgusting and embarrassing!) But then he would be upset about a pair of kids socks in the living room. His stuff was piled on his dresser and in a laundry basket....but everyone else had to have their things put away at all times unless they were using it right that second. He harped on my boys for not finishing projects, but it took him over 6 weeks to do a simple brake job on a car.

In the last big fight he called be fraudulent....I honestly have no idea where that came from...but he has been charged with fraud in the past although he was not criminally convicted.

In the last fight he called me a liar....I try very hard to be honest at all times....but I have caught him in several lies lately.

He said I extort....again, no clue what he is referring to.....really don't know of him extorting anything either though, although it's closely tied to fraud.

Oh my goodness....so many isssues....its really exhausting....
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post #15 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 02:54 AM
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Re: Pushed until I told him to leave...and then he RAN FAST!

The only comfort I can give you is that I have seen many threads where the combined effort of many posters trying to help will make you being better of then before. Keep faith!

God Creates out of Nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but He does what is still more Wonderful: He makes Saints out of Sinners.

Soren Kierkegaard
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