I really need some help/advice getting through my divorce. I posted in the Ladies Lounge a few days ago (before we decided to divorce...well, before HE decided)..Here it is
Hello, everyone. I'm new here and I need some serious advice about my marriage. I've been married for a little over a year and I suppose I should give a little background info.
My husband Will and I are both 27 years old. We met in Las Vegas (we both lived there) back in 2005. I was in a relationship when we met of 5 years and I had a daughter with this other man. I had been very unhappy with this other man for a long while before I met Will, but he was my inspiration, so to speak, to get my life back where I wanted it. So, I broke it off with my current boyfriend. Not because of Will, but because I realized that I just couldn't be happy with this other one and needed to find what would make me happy. So, Will and I dated for a little while and I thought things were going good when he gets up and moves across the country. I was devastated by this. We still talked every day and were very close. He treated me like he cared for me and we went through a lot in that time. Well, he decided that he wanted to be with me, so he came back to Vegas as a surprise and we've been together since.
Like I said, we've been married for a year and things are just going downhill. We moved to a different state and things are a lot different than where we came from, so we are trying to adjust to that. Our bills are piling up and we aren't really getting along. Then, the day after Christmas, he tells me that he wants to move back to Las Vegas and he isn't sure if he wants to take me and my daughter with him. (As a side note, he treats her like his own daughter.) I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to do. I cried for a long time and tried to get him to explain himself. He says I'm the love of his life, but he doesn't know if that's enough, anymore. So, he tells me that he needs to think and he needs time to decide if he wants to be with me or not. In the meantime, he comes home and acts like nothing has changed. He acts like our lives are perfect while I eat my heart out every minute of the day wondering if this is the day that he'll tell me it's over. I don't know how to handle things.
I;m afraid if I act angry, that will push him to leave, but if I act happy...it will just prolong the situation and let him know that it's perfectly alright to do this to someone. He tells me not to pressure him. That it's a life-changing decision, but where is my say in OUR life?
I need some advice on how to handle things.
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A few days later, we sat down to talk and he tells me this "I just can't be with you right now. I can't bring myself to care about anyone more than I care about myself." Since then I've been going crazy because he is adamant on getting a divorce. He says that he still loves me and our daughter. That he's going to love us forever, but he can't fix himself and still have the obligation of being my husband. I am packing up everything in the house and we are leaving on Thursday to move 1200 miles away from him. Now, I am literally going insane. I skip between crying uncontrollably and screaming at him. What do I do?
you have to find someone to talk to and ways to meet your emotional needs. going to church, support groups, friends, family etc.
he sounds like he has an avoidance personality. it doesnt sound like "im too selfish" is really what is going on. it sounds like you never knew him. it sounds like he kept an emotional distance from you.
It appears he is going through some emotional/behavior upheaval- has he done anything like this in the past? It's not logical that he claims to love you and your child yet insist on leaving and a divorce.
It seems that he is not open to talking about what is going on inside his head- why? What may have triggered? Do you have any support or insight from his family or friends?
Well, I did talk to his Mom, but she really couldn't tell me anything. He does have a history of running away from things when they get too hard.
Sometimes, I think I never knew him. I just don't know how someone could be the way he was to me before all this and it not be real, though. I mean, why waste your time and effort pretending to be something you're not? And it literally came out of the blue. One day we were fine, the next we weren't.
He tells me that he wants to call me every day and talk to me. He doesn't want me to go be with anyone else and he gets jealous even talking about it. It feels like he's keeping me on the back burner until he's done throwing his little fit about being unhappy. I love him, but how can I trust him if this is his MO? How can I ever get past all this?
I mean, why waste your time and effort pretending to be something you're not? And it literally came out of the blue. One day we were fine, the next we weren't.
i dont think he's pretending to be something he's not. this is who he is. you mentioned that he up and moved one day before this, too. and then moved back when it was good for him. its not out of the blue to him. sounds like he is a very good manipulator.
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Originally Posted by Adorei
He tells me that he wants to call me every day and talk to me. He doesn't want me to go be with anyone else and he gets jealous even talking about it. It feels like he's keeping me on the back burner until he's done throwing his little fit about being unhappy. I love him, but how can I trust him if this is his MO? How can I ever get past all this?
He sounds a little like a sociopath to me. I think you need to emotionally back off, and start to really listen and watch him. Dont listen to what he says as much as what he is doing. that is what will tell you how he really feels. It sounds like he hides himself. I bet he would be uncomfortable if you started to really pay attention to his moods.
It is really hard when you realize the person you thought you loved doesnt even exist. i went through that myself. just take the time to mourn the loss of what you thought you had. let yourself grieve. but dont dwell on the past too long. start to wake up and realize who this person really is, and then ask yourself if this is the kind of person you really want to be with.
I'm moving in a few days, so I'm not sure how I am going to gauge his moods. What do I do when he calls and tells me that he loves me? That he just needs to fix himself before we can be happy together? He makes it seem like he wants to be with me "later", but still insists on the divorce, saying it would be pointless to be married if we weren't together. I'm so damn confused! I love him (at least the person I thought he was) and I'm so stubborn that I just don't want to give up that easily.
I'm moving in a few days, so I'm not sure how I am going to gauge his moods. What do I do when he calls and tells me that he loves me? That he just needs to fix himself before we can be happy together?
well he's a manipulator so i think the best thing would be to not get involved in his game. it is a game. the hardest part with manipulators is they know how to say a lie, with enough truth in it, to make you insane. my advice to you (and im not a professional, just a person with experience so take it with a grain of salt) would be to pay attention to how you are feeling. the minute you are confused, frustrated, while talking to him, that is when you know he is manipulating you. If he starts saying that stuff to you, i would seriously just stay quiet. If you start to feel angry, confused (signs you are being manipulated), then just tell him you need to go. i know its hard but if you get in an emotional argument with him, he'll manipulate you. you dont want to get involved in his game. you dont need to decide anything right then. just remember how you want to feel and ask yourself if this is how you want to feel.
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Originally Posted by Adorei
I love him (at least the person I thought he was) and I'm so stubborn that I just don't want to give up that easily.
It certainly does not seem like you are giving up nor that this is easy. It will be really difficult so just take it one day at a time.
I guess I just feel because I won't be around him, in the same state and I can't be there to see everything that is going on that I'm giving up. It makes me angry to feel like I am being manipulated. I guess when I hear that I automatically think that he's just using me to have fun. I hope that isn't the case.
I really hate the fact that he thinks he has all the control in this. I know I have control over my own actions, but every thing that I could do doesn't involve him. I might sound confusing, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say (and failing at miserably)...lol
It makes me angry to feel like I am being manipulated. I guess when I hear that I automatically think that he's just using me to have fun. I hope that isn't the case.
i hope that isnt the case either. he might just be confused himself. maybe he just didnt have a lot of love growing up so this is how he's learned to get what he needs. who knows really.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adorei
I really hate the fact that he thinks he has all the control in this. I know I have control over my own actions, but every thing that I could do doesn't involve him.
this tells me you are trying to play his game. be careful with trying to be the one 'in control'. when you say 'i know i have control over my own actions' im thinking, you dont feel in control of your actions. you do feel like he's running the show. that's what i hear, at least. when your actions are in reaction to him, he's running the show. so when you're trying to be in control, you are actually just reacting off him, which puts him in control.
You are absolutely right. I don't feel in control at all and it makes me mad. In my last relationship, I was the one in control and that's the way he liked it. He liked not having to deal with anything and for me to make all the decisions. So, that's what I'm used to.
I know not everything is HIS fault. I know some of the blame lies with me, but I was always willing to work on the things that I had issues with. He apparently can't work on his issues while being married to me.
So, I guess I will just let him try to figure things out on his own. Maybe, I should act nonchalant (but not too much) just so he doesn't think that I'll be there no matter what. What do you think about that? Should I remove myself as much as possible to give him the space and time he needs?
Maybe, I should act nonchalant (but not too much) just so he doesn't think that I'll be there no matter what. What do you think about that? Should I remove myself as much as possible to give him the space and time he needs?
what you do is not as important as why you are doing what you are doing. in any approach you take, be very honest with yourself as to why you are taking that particular action.
I think you should remove yourself not for his sake, but for yours. you need to find your base, your place of action and not reaction.
A Decision Has Been Made
