New Here and Separated Almost 8 Weeks. (Warning LONG THREAD)
So... this is probably going to be pretty lengthy, so bear with me and please read it through, and any feedback I receive will be appreciated. I'm having a tough time with this and I'm very hurt at the moment and not sure what to do.
My wife and I have been together since we were 14 years old. We've been married 8 years, 9 in March. I'm now 27 and she's 26, will be 27 in January. We have two children, an 11 year old daughter and a 4 year old daughter. We've spent half our lives together basically... We've weathered through so many ups and downs in our life together so far, and probably experienced more in our 27 years than many have in 50 or 60 years... Right now she's moved out with our two kids and we've been separated for what will be 8 weeks on Friday.
There are multiple contributing factors in why we're currently separated. The boiling point was a Friday night, 8 weeks ago this coming Friday. We went out together for a very close friend's engagement party. I got really drunk and she got drunk as well and I got very jealous and uncomfortable with the way she was acting, which turned into me getting angry and blowing up on her at the bar in front of all our friends outside. Looking back I should have just told her that I was uncomfortable with the way she was acting, but I was really drunk, and logic, and calm, collected, thoughts were not part of my repertoire at that point in the night. I consider myself to have a drinking problem, but not the typical alcoholism I guess you could say. I'm not an alcoholic in the sense I drink every day or drink often. It would typically only be once a week (a couple beers or drinks while watching a sports game with friends), or twice a week at the most. In my opinion, I'm an alcoholic in that I don't know where to draw the line between drunk enough, and too drunk. There are nights where I drink to the point that I black out, which this night was one of those. We were both pretty drunk at around 1am when we left the first bar. I understand now, which I didn't then, that we should have just gone home after leaving the bar that the engagement party was at. A couple more of our close friends didn't get to the first bar until about 11:30pm, though, and wanted to go out to another one. So we did... foolishly.
This was the boiling point IMO.
Now I'm going to get into my past and some of the history that I feel led up to this point. I come from a household where my parents were constantly at each others' throats. They yelled, screamed, and called each other names. I guess seeing all that as a kid I kind of picked up on that being acceptable behavior for a husband and wife. My father is a recovering alcoholic (he was an everyday rum and coke drinker, and it almost killed him, and he's been sober for a few years now). I have my mother's temper, which is very quick to come out, and I consider it very easy to ignite. This is something which I'm working very hard on controlling at this point. So basically, when my wife and I would argue, it would always lead to me getting angrier and angrier because she's always been very closed off with her feelings and I say lots of things, nasty things... just to get some kind of emotional reaction out of her to some degree, because she's always had trouble with her emotions (stems from some issues from her past/childhood IMO). Now I know this is not acceptable. I would consider it verbal abuse on my part, and it's something I'm working at to change harder than anything I've ever done. I've spent the last 4 or 5 years tearing her down emotionally and hurting her self-esteem and confidence, which I know it will take a long time for her, and me if given the chance, to repair the damage I did. On to me and my efforts over the past 7 1/2 weeks. I'm currently 100% sober. I haven't had a drink since that horrendous life-changing night. I'm feeling really good about it, and as I said before, I didn't drink all the time, so quitting hasn't been that hard for me. I don't feel AA is necessary at this point due to the fact that I was never a huge everyday drinker, just didn't know my limits, so the absence of the alcohol is not affecting me much. I quit smoking cigarettes 6 months ago cold turkey, which I also feel has led to things with our relationship getting worse. I also quit playing hockey a year and a half ago (something I did for 15 years and was a major part of my life as I played travel and was on the ice 5 or 6 days a week almost my entire life) due to a new job and traveling a lot, which I feel has also led to issues with our relationship.
The cigarettes were an outlet for stress relief. Normally I would get angry, go have a cigarette to calm down and relax a little, then come back inside the house and be better able to assess the situation and control my anger/temper so we could talk about it without the heated argument. The hockey was also a major stress relief/anger relief. It was a way to vent and take out my aggression on the ice, and also get the endorphins and adrenaline pumping, which was good stress/anxiety/frustration relief.
I feel the lack of those two things has contributed to my inability to control my temper as well as I did earlier on in our relationship, and I'm not making excuses for my behavior, just observations and background as to what has helped contribute to my wife and my own current relationship problems.
Now... I've read a lot of material over the past 8 weeks or so. I've read just about every website I can about separations, about controlling my temper, and trying to reconcile marriages. Currently I'm working on repairing my own problems, eliminating my own inner-demons, and rebuilding my own confidence and self-esteem. I feel like because I've been so down and depressed with myself (I've gained a ton of weight since I stopped playing hockey, almost 50lbs in 3 years) and things of that nature, that I've been trying to bring my wife down to my level. I'm working on becoming a happier, more positive person overall, and it seems to be working. I feel much better about myself over the last 3 or 4 weeks than I've felt in a long time. I know these are good things, and steps in the right direction for me.
Shortening this up a bit from the original...
Over the past 8 weeks we have good days and bad. If I leave her alone for a particular amount of time and don't try to push our relationship on her, then things get better, and I feel like the improvement gives me the grounds to approach the subject of our relationship again. Then it backfires. I've done nothing over the past 8 weeks but change myself for the better, and be the person she fell in love with. We still communicate quite a bit because of the kids and we still do things together occasionally. Our daughter's birthday was Sunday so the four of us went to lunch together. She plays some games with me on the phone (words with friends) that kind of thing. To me that says that she's thinking of me and still needs some kind of interaction with me, which is a positive thing. She's said she still loves me and always will...
Now... my questions are, do I leave her alone completely, talk with her strictly about the kids, don't play the games with her on the phone, and generally just try to show her that I can get on with my life without her? Should I stop playing the games on the phones? I really need to know how to approach the situation at this point. I want her back and she is the only woman I have ever loved. Just read the 180 method and I think I'm going to give it a try. I've read a lot over the past 8 weeks on what I should be doing and although it goes against all my instincts I know that it is absolutely necessary to do these things (the 180 method on here is very similar to the information I've read in all the books and all over the web) and I feel like I've been doing a lot of what it's mentioned, but at the same time I've done some things on there that it says I shouldn't have. I guess we'll go from here and see what happens. It's definitely a very painful situation. It gets better day by day, though. I guess the best thing to do is to back off and leave her be and work on myself and leave her completely in the dark about myself then huh? Just based on some responses to everyone else' threads that I've been reading...
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
Please explain the separation arrangement. What happened after the argument at the bar? Did you guys split up that night or the next day? Did she pack up and leave you? Did she kick you out? Who has the kids? Just a bit more info would help.
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
She packed up and left the next day after she got home from work. Told me she wants to be separated right now. Told me that she doesn't know how she'll feel in a week or a month or a couple months, but for now she wants us to work on ourselves and worry about being happy with ourselves. She has the kids, but we've agreed that we are switching off weekends and I see them basically anywhere from 2-4 days a week, depending on my work schedule, which is different than most people. I work 5 - 12hour days one week and then I'm off 5 days the next week. The way it works is I work Monday/Tuesday 5pm - 5am, then I'm off Wednesday/Thursday, and then work Friday/Saturday/Sunday 5pm -5am. Then the next week I'm off Monday/Tuesday, work Wednesday/Thursday 5pm -5am, and I'm off Friday/Saturday/Sunday, so the weeks I'm off 5 days I usually see them like 3 days or sometimes 4 days, whereas the weeks I work it's usually 1, possibly 2, because I don't really have much more time for anything other than working and sleeping that one week.
I've discussed counseling with her on one of the "better weeks" we've had and it's been "maybe", but have only talked to her about it that once. I let her know I'm going to get in and see someone myself for my anger/jealousy issues.
I feel like she's not completely ready to throw in the towel on our relationship. We've spent almost half our lives together, and the way I see it, she has lots of support and her family has some money so if she wanted to make it final and go through the channels of getting a lawyer, and a legal separation or file for divorce she would have the financial backing to do it, and would have by now, yet she hasn't. She's talked about how nothing is set in stone right now, but for now we need to take some time apart and work on our own issues.
Really, I think I just need to stop pushing at her and basically wait for her to be ready to sit down and discuss our marriage and relationship problems, and until she's ready to do it, nothing is going to change. For now I think I need to just concentrate on myself and being happier/more positive/more confident in my own skin and let things fall into place. Many of people have told me that if I have faith in myself, faith in our love, and work on improving myself and conquering my own issues that everything else will fall into place. As I said, it seems like I leave her alone for a while and things seem to get better, but then I feel like I can push the subject with her a little bit because they've gotten better, and it just backfires on me and she shuts back down and it's back to the drawing board. I feel like the 180 method can really benefit me, and the way I see it at this point is I've tried everything else (the begging/pleading, which I know is what I shouldn't do, but I did for a while) and feel like there's nothing left to lose by trying something different. Everyone else in my life is telling me the same thing. Leave her be, let her think about what she's doing, let her wonder what I'm doing, let her wonder where I'm going or who I'm with, if I'm getting over her and moving on, and let her wonder if she's starting to lose me, and see where that goes. It's just tough with the holidays and not having her and my two girls home right now.
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
The closer the Christmas holiday gets the tougher the days get... I know and understand that mainly my behavior (as well as some of hers) has put me in the position I'm in, but it still drives me nuts thinking about how I could have and should have done so many things differently... I was such a different person earlier on in our relationship. That's the man I want to be again... The man she fell in love with... I know it doesn't help to focus on the past, so I try not to, but the what if's are driving me nuts. I want to go back in the past and fix so many things and take back so many things that I've said and done. I guess all I can do, though, is concentrate on the future.
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
Have had a few better days recently. I've backed off and I'm following the 180 method as best as I can. I printed it out and put it on my fridge and anytime I want to get in touch with her or I'm thinking about her I go read that and instantly feel better and stronger for it.
I've gotten much better with not answering the phone calls or texts right away to leave her in the dark a little bit like she had been doing to me, and now she is starting to wonder what I'm doing. Today I didn't answer her text so she ended up driving to our condo and found that I wasn't even there, I was out with my sister's husband having dinner at a restaurant, at which point she called me some more trying to get in touch with me.
She is getting more talkative and personal in the conversations we do have. Today she called to talk to me about our daughters because I was taking them overnight tonight because I had a change in my work schedule. On the phone she proceeded to just go on and on telling me about her day and what is going on with her and whatnot. I feel like that's a good thing, so I'm going to stick to what I've been doing and continue to concentrate solely on our daughters and improving myself. I feel a lot stronger than I was and I'm starting to regain my confidence in myself to be a good husband and good man, whether for her if we reconcile or for another relationship in my future. Exactly two months sober to the day as well! Life is looking good right now!
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
Quote:
Originally Posted by TroubldHusband
I feel a lot stronger than I was and I'm starting to regain my confidence in myself to be a good husband and good man, whether for her if we reconcile or for another relationship in my future. Exactly two months sober to the day as well! Life is looking good right now!
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
Quote:
Originally Posted by This is me
Good for you! Hang in there.
Thanks! I feel good about everything right now. Like I've said before I feel like things can work between us, and seeing as how we've never separated or split up ever in the 12+ years we've been together I think it's only a matter of time before we look into reconciling our marriage. I think she needs her space to heal from the hurt I've caused her, and work on some of her own issues with her past and her emotions (she's always been very closed/walled up about her feelings) and I also need the time and space to change the things I was doing that were causing the hurt. She's supposed to rely on me for emotional support and to be her "rock" and it's something I haven't been, and something I want to be. Everything gets a little better and a little easier each day
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
Quote:
Originally Posted by TroubldHusband
Thanks! I feel good about everything right now. Like I've said before I feel like things can work between us, and seeing as how we've never separated or split up ever in the 12+ years we've been together I think it's only a matter of time before we look into reconciling our marriage. I think she needs her space to heal from the hurt I've caused her, and work on some of her own issues with her past and her emotions (she's always been very closed/walled up about her feelings) and I also need the time and space to change the things I was doing that were causing the hurt. She's supposed to rely on me for emotional support and to be her "rock" and it's something I haven't been, and something I want to be. Everything gets a little better and a little easier each day
I hope it works for you. Can I ask your ages? My WAW is 47 which I believe is a part of her struggles with a MLC.
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
Having one of the rough days that are inevitable at this point in my situation...
I'm doing everything I can to change and be a better man, husband, and better person overall. I'm worried that it's too little too late at this point. I don't know what to think anymore. I get such mixed signals/emotions from her and I'm really not sure what to do about it. I really want to repair our marriage, and get MC and try to fix things, but this may not be something she's interested in now, or ever...
We've invested half our lives into this marriage and have two beautiful daughters together that are left in limbo with this just as much as I am. All they talk about when they're with me is coming home to THEIR home, the place they've lived for years, not their grandmother's second home... My wife has told our 11 year old daughter she "hopes it doesn't end in divorce" and that's the extent of what they've talked about in regards to the marriage. When I'm with her I try to stay positive and tell her we'll get through this rough spot, and no matter what happens I'll always love her, but from what my daughter has told me, my wife refuses to, and has not talked to her about it at all besides the one time in the first week we were separated. Nothing else, nothing about trying to work it out, nothing about divorce, just limbo. It's the same position I'm in. She's not sure if she wants to reconcile. She's not sure if my changing will be enough for her anymore. She's completely and totally unsure about the entire situation. My other daughter is being affected by this as well, but seeing as she's only 3 (4 at the end of December) she doesn't quite understand it all like our older daughter. It's definitely affecting her to the point where she cries for Mommy for a while when I pick the two of them up. There are times where she will wake up in the middle of the night crying and looking for Mommy when they stay overnight with me, and she tells me that she doesn't want to go home yet when I tell her I have to drop them back off with their Mom, and says to me "Why won't Mommy come here?" because when they're with me they're in the Home they lived in for years... It's tough to see. It's hard on me, I can only imagine what it's doing to them and what they're feeling...
It's been two months since we separated. I know I caused serious emotional distress and unhappiness on her part. I know she has to work on building back her own self-esteem and happiness, but I almost feel like my daughters and I deserve to have some kind of better answer than the ones we've been given... I try to stay positive, and most days I can, and I can believe and trust in my faith, and my love for her, and her love for me, but some days I just have a hard time with it all... Being stuck in between like this is such a terrible feeling...
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
Boy can I relate to the roller coaster heading downward, especially on these cold rainy cloudy Mondays. Hang in there. Do you have a support team? I am very fortunate to have many siblings and others on board to help me through this.
Sorry if you covered this, but have you asked her to do MC? I would highly recommend if she is on board that your choose one together and agree that you will only stay with one that you both agree on.
If she what she said to your daughter is true there is still hope.
Re: Currently Separated Almost 8 Weeks (Warning LONG THREAD)
Thanks This Is Me. I do have some support from most my friends. All my friends tell us that we were highschool sweethearts, we're the perfect couple, and eventually we'll work things out. They support me and believe in the two of us working things out. My family has taken a different approach, and have been very stand-offish about it all. My mom has always tried to be way too involved in our marriage, tries to be with my older brother and his wife, and tries to be with my little sister and her husband.
My mom wants what she feels is best for me, and lashes out because she sees her son being hurt and wants to protect me. My mom and wife were always very very close, so she's having a hard time understanding why my wife is doing what she is doing right now. She's a pessimist, and a very negative/angry person much of the time (which I believe has to do with never really recovering from losing her dad a long time ago, and then losing her mom to cancer just recently within the last couple years)
My sister shares a personality with my mom. They're both the exact same person, just different ages. Very quick to lash out, very quick to anger, very negative about everything, always looking at the glass half empty instead of half full, just like my Mom.
When I tell both my mom and her about my problems the reasons why my wife is doing what she's doing (because they also know how volatile of a personality I could be as well, they've seen my blowups) they immediately lash out at her for being the way she's being right now. Part of their acceptance of my behavior and unwillingness to see how I was being is the idea of it's the same situation I grew up in, and the reason why I felt it was acceptable behavior on my part to treat my wife the way I did.
My parents were always arguing growing up. They would shut the door, but we could still hear them yell and scream and call each other names all the same. Both drank a lot. My mom not as much as my dad, but my dad was a full blown alcoholic, and it almost killed him a few years back. He's now sober for around 4 years. My mom has stopped drinking the way she did as well. They have a better, more stable, loving relationship now, but my mom is still the same pessimistic, negative, angry person all the time.
So in a nutshell, I've tried to limit how much support I try to allow myself to receive from my mom and sister. My brother's wife is very, very understanding. She came from a divorced household, and has been very supportive of my decisions and my ability to change myself. She's very close to me, and his been basically been my "rock" through this whole ordeal. She'll listen to me no matter what, give her opinion, and never pass judgement. She wants whatever I want, and whatever is best for me. She also was very, very close to my wife. They're like blood sisters they were that close. My father and I have always been very close, and we are still very close. I talk to him about stuff and he listens and gives me advice, but doesn't judge me for my decisions and thought process either.
At this point all my support lies in friends, my brother's wife, and my dad. It's a good support system. I spend a lot of time with my dad, we hang out almost every day, and the days I don't spend with him watching movies, or BS'in or working on cars or fishing, or whatever, I spend with my friends keeping busy, who all support me in what I'm trying to do. They've all been great for me. I just wish my mom and sister could support me the way everyone else does.
Sorry for the novel lol. Lots to talk about on the support topic in my situation.
As far as MC, I brought it up to my wife early on and it was "I don't know, I don't see that happening right now"
Then a few weeks ago I told her that I was going to get some IC myself and asked if she'd be comfortable sitting down with a MC at some point and it was "maybe". It's a very small step, a baby step, but seems to be positive and a baby step in the right direction...
When I mentioned MC to her again a week or two ago she had said "I thought you were going to get some IC first" and to me that says she wants to see some real effort on my part to change. That's where I'm currently at. Time to change myself as best as I can and have faith the the rest will all fall into place.
Only time will tell I guess. I think I'm in for a long road to recovery either way this goes, though.
New Here and Separated Almost 8 Weeks. (Warning LONG THREAD) 
