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Old 11-30-2011, 10:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Need Help On Next Steps

I have been on a rocky road with my partner, now my ex as of last night. She has been seeing somebody else, needing distance to be able to look at me and us. It has been hard and I have felt miserable, yet I understand her motivations. She is the divorced mother of two and had an acrimonious split several years ago. We have a 2.5 year old son together. I am a stay at home dad. She works out of a home office.

For reasons that are not pertinent, she used my cell phone last night and read a text message exchange I had with a friend of mine. In it, I wrote of my frustration and anger at the situation with her seeing another man. The text that ended our relationship was one were I asked my friend's opinion:

"Do you think it is reasonable for her to expect me to not be adversarial with her if we separate, given that she persists in seeing this guy and knowing how much it hurts me?"

She read that and ended the relationship. She told me she felt that I was threatening her when I used the word "adversarial" and that it was over with us. I am devastated. I contacted my friend and asked him if he thought I was threatening her. He said he didn't read it that way.

Now she wants me to tell her what I believe I meant by the word adversarial, even though it won't help matters much.

"Adversarial" is very charged language that conjures images of people being on opposite sides of a room...adversaries preparing for conflict, often in a legal way. I don't feel that way at all about her. I love her and want to be with her. She said I had a very slim chance but was willing to try.

I told her I felt "adversarial" was not about threatening her but about feeling like I was moving from being more cooperative to being more argumentative with her, given that I feel her seeing this man has become more and more difficult for me the longer it goes on...now almost 2 months.

The thing is, no matter how many of our mutual friends were to chime in saying, "no, you didn't seem to be threatening her", it really doesn't matter. But what is hard now is that she wants me to own that I did threaten her. That I wanted to come after her or I wouldn't have used such strong language.

She says she won't agree to talk about the next steps with me or with a couples counselor in the room unless I say that I threatened her.
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Old 11-30-2011, 10:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help On Next Steps

She is gaslighting you.
She cheated you allowed it, knew about it and tolerated it. Why would you want her back anyway?
She has no respect for you and never will unless you change drastically.
However, even with all that, she knew that seeing another man was wrong and now can blameshift to you to ease her conscience. Start looking at custody arrangements for the kid.
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Old 11-30-2011, 10:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Never say that you did threaten her. It will come back at you. Your use of the word adversarial means nothing more than being an opponent rather than an ally.

Tell her that you will tell the counselor that you informed her that you are likely to take an adversarial position in your relationship when it comes to her seeing the other man.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Old 11-30-2011, 10:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I'm one of those W that needed "space" and "to think about what I really wanted".....Well, during these 6 months of separation, my H has showed me everyday that he DOES want to be my H forever, that I DO matter to him. He has, on a daily basis, shown me that he wants to do everything in his power to make our relationship work for us (we have one child). He has taken all the negativity I've thrown at him, all the nasty comments, the verbal slaps in his face........I was a BIG B**** towards him. After this time, I have made the decision to try and bring myself back around for the sake of "us" and see if I can be compatible again. Just a little positivity (i guess) for ya to hear.
I guess I am saying that if you want it to work, show her that you do. Also, she has to get that OM outta the picture. That is really the only way for any progress to be made.

Good Luck!!
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help On Next Steps

Tribu, the word is beng used as an excuse to gaslight you.

Bottom, line: she is cheating. She refuses to stop. That means she had already left your relationship If she wanted to stay she would have stopped cheating on exposure. She didn't. Do you think in honesty she woud be with you for 1minute if the roles were reversed?

Stop wasting time trying to play her game, it's one you cannot win. No matter what you say, or explain it won't work, because she s imply doesn't want it to work.

She is openly cheating on you. Common stop trying to placate her, and man up and directly deal with her.

Btw, cheating right in front of you is adversarial. It is doing a hurtful aggressive challenge to you. So she's already started the battle.
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help On Next Steps

Too bad for her if she doesn't like the word "adversary" because she is the one who made herself into that by inviting another man into your relationship.
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Old 11-30-2011, 01:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi, tribu. Sorry to read that you are on a rocky road in your relationship.

So let's see. You're living with this person, have a 2-1/2 year old son who is probably yours, and she is regularly getting naked with another guy. She works from home, and you stay at home while she works. Got it so far.

The person who keeps your balls in a jar over the fireplace mantle read your text exchange with a friend, in which you didn't call her bad names. You weren't plotting her harm or destruction. You merely expressed your concern that if she didn't stop fvcking the other guy, you might not have a positive relationship with her.

And for this insolence on your part, the person who has systematically stripped you of every last vestige of your manhood decided that the relationship was over, then and there.

To which you figuratively responded by begging and pleading for her not to cut you loose. Actually, I would bet good money that you LITERALLY begged and pleaded.

The main thing I think you need is clarification.

"Strong language" (your words) involves calling her out as the hateful cheating wh0re that she is in real life. Strong language means telling her what an evil contemptible person she is, who is unworthy of the love of a decent man.

On a side note, since she has your permission to have sex with another man, is it actually cheating? I mean, you know she's with him, and you are okay to the extent that you are still with her.

On a second side note, would a decent man share his woman with another man? Could a man who would let his woman have sex with other men even be a decent man?

Sorry, got off track there.

The language you used, such as the term "adversarial," is, in the context it was used, the language of a mangina.

I'm not sure why you're coming on here. If you are looking for someone to post that they agree that "adversarial" was strong language, you aren't going read that. You are going to read different posters saying that you are making a big mistake every day you stay with this person.

In fact, in case no one has done so, I will do it now.

tribu. She doesn't love you. She doesn't even like you. If she liked you, she would not be having hot sex with another guy. She is bad for you. You should do yourself a big favor and leave her.

But if that's too much to handle, just hang around, and she'll leave you. But she'll probably give you an incurable std to remember her by.
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