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post #16 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 09:26 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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She has already told me she has cut off communication with the OM and that it wasn't about him specifically. It was about the feeling she had with him and that she didn't have that with me and hadn't for a long time. It gave her the confidence to speak up and finally say she was done. I feel so stupid that I was so blind and deaf for so long.

An in-house separation is on the table. I said I would sleep in the basement while we figure out how to sell our home, etc. I just don't know that it's going to help or that she is going to be willing to give it another try, regardless. I guess all I can do is stop acting like a lost puppy, stop following her around or trying to win her back. I need to make changes and do it for me, while hoping she realizes what she's doing. This sucks....
Are you offering to sleep in the basement for her, or for you?

You can overcome this, whether she can is a different path that only she can take, but you have to keep your mind right (calm) about every step you take and plan on taking. Your biggest challenge is keeping her close (presence) and being visible while you find your confidence to tackle your hardest questions... why am I like this and what do I really need in order to align and balance my life... but as you work on this it needs to be shared without words because they mean little, actions count.

You've attended her IC and it sounds like you haven't really invested in the value, but now it's time to stop looking at that forked trail and choose your own, like yesterday... but tomorrow will do. To make an impact you need time to slow the separation down so get an appointment with a counselor and let her know you have done so. I will share from experience, and your milage may vary, but I actually settled on a female counselor for this because I needed, as it also sounds as you do, to understand the perspective you aren't and an opposite-sex counselor may deliver that better in a way you need to begin hearing. This I share from my own experience and emerging path (11 years young in my own journey).

You sound, and I'd gather, feel thirsty from your wandering... you won't find emotional water in an oil well of logic that hasn't connected you spiritually to your wife.

The immediate calm is an important thing... it's what you do today that counts. If she see's that effort and you see a softening... put it aside for now, you are doing this for you as that is the only thing you can control but definitely let it assist you as feedback that you are on the right path for you.

Some are not successful as many experienced posters here shared, some can overcome and still be dealing with the ripples of a thousand past bad decisions for years, decades even, but once you are on your path, never quit trying to apply an eightfold path mentality to life and build your life on emerging positives that even if you are not successful with your wife, your children will be strengthened with.

Sometimes an unfamiliar path of self can lead you to the best places... do not hesitate and strap on your mindful hikers.

Peaceful trails be with you...

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post #17 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 10:05 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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This is an exit affair for her. She's been trying to communicate to you for three years that your marriage is in trouble, and you refused to go with her to counseling and you basically ignored all the warning flares she was sending up.

This didn't happen in 14 days. This happened over the course of three years while you were ignoring or turning a blind eye to her TELLING you that the marriage was in trouble. This isn't about her being thin now and being able to get guys she couldn't dream of getting before. It's because she was feeling neglected, unheard, and ignored.

I think she's done. I think she's already made up her mind. As the only female poster on this thread thus far, I can tell you that women will put up with a lot of sh*t from their [male] partner before they close the door for good. But when they DO decide to close that door, it's because they've already decided never to open it again because they're tired of being hurt by a man to whom they've given countless opportunities. And it sounds like she has given you a lot of opportunities to change and fix things, opportunities that you have squandered.

I'm not casting blame here. But there are two sides to every story, and everyone always throws blame at the cheater and bestows sainthood on the betrayed spouse, and that bothers me. No, you didn't deserve to be cheated on. But she also didn't deserve the sh*tty treatment she got from her husband. You are both in the wrong.

If she wants to leave, let her leave. But if she wants to separate, she has to be the one to move out. Then follow the other posters' advice here about doing the 180. Give her what she wants. If she wants out of the marriage, let her go and focus on yourself. Focus on becoming a better person, a better father, and a better partner, and in that process, you'll realize that you can survive--and even be happy--without her. She may come back, she may not. But that's not why you do the 180--you do the 180 to take care of YOU. But if you want her to come back, you're going to need to grow into a better, permanent version of yourself. Once a woman has decided the close the door, it takes a Herculean effort for it to be re-opened.

Good luck. Learn and grown from your mistakes.
100% spot on. I have been this woman.

That said... I wouldn't suggest separation, not beyond an in house, anyway. And since she is the one who wants out, she should be the one to leave.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #18 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 10:13 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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100% spot on. I have been this woman.

That said... I wouldn't suggest separation, not beyond an in house, anyway. And since she is the one who wants out, she should be the one to leave.
With the right action and intent shown upon realization from the neglector, could you have "un-been" that woman? Found a moment of reversal to say... "let's see where this goes"?

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post #19 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 10:16 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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With the right action and intent shown upon realization from the neglector, could you have "un-been" that woman that woman? Found a moment of reversal to say... "let's see where this goes"?
Nope. There wasn't a single thing that could have been said or done to make me stay. I was DONE.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #20 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 10:23 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Nope. There wasn't a single thing that could have been said or done to make me stay. I was DONE.
Then I am truly blessed to have had the window that was present... squander not a moment OP.
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post #21 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 10:25 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I really don't know what to do. I'm not worried about her continuing the brief affair, but I feel like she has already given up. My theory is that she is feeling more confident in her new body (2 years post Gastric Bypass) and this guy that she feels wouldn't have given her two looks 5 years ago was now attracted to her. She sent pictures of her body and he wasn't replused, like she thought he would be. She know wants to see if other guys that wouldn't have found her attractive pre-surgery will, and could make her happier than I have. This kills me, since I thought she was beautiful before and after, and have been there for her...
Read His Needs Her Needs to understand what your wife has been missing in your marriage. Visit a therapist every week to find out why you can't do emotion and how to fix that. A woman's top needs almost always include an emotional connection, someone to talk to without judgment, a best friend. Can you be that?

You'll also need to monitor her for now. If she continues to cheat, if you want to stay married, you will have to expose her to her family.

Also read every single thing you can find about 'walkaway women.' THAT is what you're dealing with. The cheating was a byproduct of 10+ years of purposeful neglect on your part, combined with her finally being attractive which, as all women know, is what we need to ever find another man. Of course some women get so fed up that they leave whether they have a chance at finding someone else or not. THOSE women are the ones who are usually well and truly DONE - so unhappy that they'd rather be alone the rest of their lives than stay with you.

So you may have a chance, but you will HAVE to figure out how to get in tune with how she works. And it sounds like you've done a piss poor job of that, as you pride yourself on being logical and unemotional.

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post #22 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 10:29 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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100% spot on. I have been this woman.

That said... I wouldn't suggest separation, not beyond an in house, anyway. And since she is the one who wants out, she should be the one to leave.
As have I. To me this is a case of a guy who is not that concerned about his wife and what's important to her as long as she doesn't leave, because all he's interested in is that the marriage works for him.

When he realizes his world is going to turn upside down that's what motivates him, but really if she came back and shut he'd be perfectly happy.

Let's compare this to a woman who doesn't have sex with her hb, and when he brings it up she ignores him. He stops asking and she assumes things are fine.

Eventually he has an affair and asks for a divorce and she claims to be blindsided. Nobody would bestow sainthood, as ap put it, on such a wife, nor should they.

If you can't be bothered to worry about what bothers your wife until she finds another guy and dumps you that should tell you something.

I find it pretty dismissive that this has somehow been attributed to her weight loss, as if somehow treating her poorly when she was heavier was ok because she had fewer options.

Or maybe it was her weight loss in that she finally had the confidence to stop putting up with poor behavior.

Hvll, even if she left with no affair most of TAM would be insisting their had to be someone else. If you can pin it on someone else you're absolved of everything.

I too don't suggest an in house separation.....it's going to be miserable.
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post #23 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 10:32 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Nope. There wasn't a single thing that could have been said or done to make me stay. I was DONE.
Me too, because my ex had demonstrated that he didn't give a sh!t about me and anything he did would have been to keep his world from blowing up.

That wasn't a partner i could trust with my back.

People show you who they are when they think you're not looking or you can't do anything about it.
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post #24 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 11:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Thank you...I'm trying my best to let her go amicably and with love. I know that if I let her go with hate, then this will be even more painful for all involved, especially the kids.

I told her I cannot control her actions and if she wants to speak with this OM, that's her prerogative. I, too, don't believe in divorce for the same reason...Not religious, but I vowed to be with her until death do us part. She is not honoring those vows, and again, that's her choice. But I will not be the one to file divorce papers.

We had a long talk last night and she said she just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be in the marriage. She doesn't want me out of her life, she wants me to be her friend and be there for her. We have been best friends for 12 years...This is going to take time and healing for me to get over. Like you mentioned, she is much further along in the process than I, so I have some catching up to do. We are going to live in the same house until we can work out the sale (probably when kids are done school/June) and then move into our own places.

Maybe down the road, or along this path she will realize what she's doing and throwing away and decide to make a go at it. Maybe she won't...but I know I'm going to work on making the changes for me. I hope she is the one to reap the benefits of my changes, but if they are for a future partner, then so be it. I love this woman, I will always love this woman and nothing can change that...Not the cheating, not the deceit...I have unconditional love, and I always will. It will take time to forgive what she did, but I will...Again, I vowed to love her and be there for her, no matter what...She may not be honoring those vows, but I'm damn sure going to.

I appreciate all the advice I've gotten on here. Some of it has been blunt and cold...some has been warm. To each their own, and I respect each of you and your opinions/advice. But I need to do what I think is best for my situation, my family, my kids and my WS. In the end, this is going to all work itself out...I will hold my glimmer as long as I can...Again, thank you...
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post #25 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 11:38 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Her wanting to be your friend is either to assuage guilt, or still get her needs met while neglecting yours, or both.

No way should you be any more than coparents, at least in the immediate future.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #26 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 11:39 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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But I will not be the one to file divorce papers.

We had a long talk last night and she said she just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be in the marriage. She doesn't want me out of her life, she wants me to be her friend and be there for her. We have been best friends for 12 years...This is going to take time and healing for me to get over. Like you mentioned, she is much further along in the process than I, so I have some catching up to do. We are going to live in the same house until we can work out the sale (probably when kids are done school/June) and then move into our own places.


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You should file first. It makes the issue very real to your WW. As far as staying "friends" that means she wants to keep you for stability and cutting the lawn. Screw that noise. Your WW idea of divorce is like being a little bit pregnant. Either you are or you are not. You sir need to detach, 180 and file. Be sure to separate bank accounts as well.

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post #27 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 11:39 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I told her I cannot control her actions and if she wants to speak with this OM, that's her prerogative. I, too, don't believe in divorce for the same reason...Not religious, but I vowed to be with her until death do us part. She is not honoring those vows, and again, that's her choice. But I will not be the one to file divorce papers.

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I can't understand why you are willing to let your W have an affair AND at the same time not willing to D over it. Makes no sense at all.
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post #28 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I can't understand why you are willing to let your W have an affair AND at the same time not willing to D over it. Makes no sense at all.
Because I vowed to be with her no matter what. Sickness, health, good, bad, everything. I will be the better person and honor those vows. She broke them when she cheated and she's breaking them by wanting separation. I will not.
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post #29 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 12:00 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Because I vowed to be with her no matter what. Sickness, health, good, bad, everything. I will be the better person and honor those vows. She broke them when she cheated and she's breaking them by wanting separation. I will not.
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This is going to end very bad for you, emotionally. This is a very unhealthy attitude. You are not being a better person, you are trying to be a martyr. Good luck with that.

You do realize, that she is going to blame you for her affair, once it gets out in the public eye.
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post #30 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 12:28 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Thank you...I'm trying my best to let her go amicably and with love. I know that if I let her go with hate, then this will be even more painful for all involved, especially the kids.

I told her I cannot control her actions and if she wants to speak with this OM, that's her prerogative. I, too, don't believe in divorce for the same reason...Not religious, but I vowed to be with her until death do us part. She is not honoring those vows, and again, that's her choice. But I will not be the one to file divorce papers.

We had a long talk last night and she said she just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be in the marriage. She doesn't want me out of her life, she wants me to be her friend and be there for her. We have been best friends for 12 years...This is going to take time and healing for me to get over. Like you mentioned, she is much further along in the process than I, so I have some catching up to do. We are going to live in the same house until we can work out the sale (probably when kids are done school/June) and then move into our own places.

Maybe down the road, or along this path she will realize what she's doing and throwing away and decide to make a go at it. Maybe she won't...but I know I'm going to work on making the changes for me. I hope she is the one to reap the benefits of my changes, but if they are for a future partner, then so be it. I love this woman, I will always love this woman and nothing can change that...Not the cheating, not the deceit...I have unconditional love, and I always will. It will take time to forgive what she did, but I will...Again, I vowed to love her and be there for her, no matter what...She may not be honoring those vows, but I'm damn sure going to.

I appreciate all the advice I've gotten on here. Some of it has been blunt and cold...some has been warm. To each their own, and I respect each of you and your opinions/advice. But I need to do what I think is best for my situation, my family, my kids and my WS. In the end, this is going to all work itself out...I will hold my glimmer as long as I can...Again, thank you...
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Last edited by kesta86; Today at 9:00 AM..
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You also vowed to love, honor and cherish her.

Did you?

Very often when people refer to vows they are referring to the vow to stay married while conveniently overlooking the other vows.

Did you honor all of your vows?
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