You make some good points. He is 3000 miles away in CA while we are in MA. I'm just worried that he'll work on her emotionally and pull her even further away than she is right now. While there may currently be nearly no chance of reconciliation, I worry him being involved only decreases the odds. I don't believe it will turn into anything serious with him, and that he is simply a transition affair to her. I guess I will just deal with what comes, focus on making the changes, hope she sees them and recognizes they're genuine and chooses to work on it...
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What I was trying to say is as you just stated he is 3000 miles away and he is not your biggest problem right now no matter what he wants ot tries to do. Your biggest problem right now is that you plan to spend the next seven months living in the same house with a woman who will no longer consider herself married and who may start to live the single life in full view of you. I think you will find that very very difficult to accept if she starts to date and you can count on if she has told any of her girlfriends of the situation they will be encouraging her to have fun.
Have you asked or discussed with her any expectations for this in house separation. Or is she planning on living like a nun until the divorce is final. An in house separation where one party ( in this case you) is totally wanting to reconcile and the other is not is the most difficult kind of arrangement imagineable.
The 180 or you making changes should be done for YOU, not her. You are playing the pick me game and that rarely ends well for BH. Right now, she knows and believes that she can do whatever she wants to and you will be sitting there waiting and hoping she will change her mind. So what she has done in betraying you is having no immediate or real consequences since you have in essence given her a seven month period to play with your emotions.
When losing her home and being a part time parent, as you will, hits her in reality, that is your best chance of her realizing she may be making a mistake. But she must believe you are controlling the outcome not her.
If you are a sports fan, and if you were in a football game, you are playing defense and backpedaling while she drives s down the field. You need to take the ball away ( the initiative) and drive the outcome with you controlling the narrative.