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post #46 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 05:46 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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You make some good points. He is 3000 miles away in CA while we are in MA. I'm just worried that he'll work on her emotionally and pull her even further away than she is right now. While there may currently be nearly no chance of reconciliation, I worry him being involved only decreases the odds. I don't believe it will turn into anything serious with him, and that he is simply a transition affair to her. I guess I will just deal with what comes, focus on making the changes, hope she sees them and recognizes they're genuine and chooses to work on it...
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Or you can find out what unit he is in and notify his chain of command. Ask his commander what kind of ship they are running, where his soldiers are running around with married women. I can almost guarantee you that he will drop your wife in a heartbeat.
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"The ecologist is continually having to look at the aspects of nature with which he is unfamiliar and perforce must be an amateur for much of his working time.... professionals may carp at omissions, misconstructions, or even downright errors in these pages. perhaps ultimately they may forgive them for the sake of the overall vision that only the amateur, or the ecologist, blithely sets out to experience."G. Evelyn Hutchinson
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post #47 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 05:58 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I tend to agree with this. Your head is sideways right now. Let me see if I understand this. You two have been together since the age of 18, married and had kids, she became depressed and then became morbidly obese to the point of needing gastric bypass at the age of 30. You stuck with her, didn't cheat or leave her even though she was probably the size of a small hippopotamus. She gets surgery, loses 150 pounds and then starts an affair with some other dude. Tells you she is unhappy and you didn't meet her needs (whatever the f that means) and now you need to move out. Another way of looking at it is that she was with you when she **************** because she knew that no one in their right mind would be attracted to a whale like her, except you of course because you probably genuinely cared and wanted a family with her. But now that she isn't the size of a small house she can get some other dorks attention and you are not good enough. Man what a deal for you. I have absolutely no idea why you would even consider remaining with her except for the children. Do not move, it will hurt you in support, custody etc. tell her to go if that's her choice. Good luck man.
You forgot to mention the part where she asked him to go to counseling with her for the last three years and he refused. Three years of trying to be taken seriously before she stopped trying. Personally, I would still start divorce proceedings, but it's not like she wasn't trying to tell him something was wrong. He just refused to listen.
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"The ecologist is continually having to look at the aspects of nature with which he is unfamiliar and perforce must be an amateur for much of his working time.... professionals may carp at omissions, misconstructions, or even downright errors in these pages. perhaps ultimately they may forgive them for the sake of the overall vision that only the amateur, or the ecologist, blithely sets out to experience."G. Evelyn Hutchinson

Last edited by MattMatt; 11-18-2016 at 03:45 AM. Reason: Quoted deleted message. Offensive portion redacted.
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post #48 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 06:05 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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You make some good points. He is 3000 miles away in CA while we are in MA. I'm just worried that he'll work on her emotionally and pull her even further away than she is right now. While there may currently be nearly no chance of reconciliation, I worry him being involved only decreases the odds. I don't believe it will turn into anything serious with him, and that he is simply a transition affair to her. I guess I will just deal with what comes, focus on making the changes, hope she sees them and recognizes they're genuine and chooses to work on it...
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Keesta,

What I was trying to say is as you just stated he is 3000 miles away and he is not your biggest problem right now no matter what he wants ot tries to do. Your biggest problem right now is that you plan to spend the next seven months living in the same house with a woman who will no longer consider herself married and who may start to live the single life in full view of you. I think you will find that very very difficult to accept if she starts to date and you can count on if she has told any of her girlfriends of the situation they will be encouraging her to have fun.

Have you asked or discussed with her any expectations for this in house separation. Or is she planning on living like a nun until the divorce is final. An in house separation where one party ( in this case you) is totally wanting to reconcile and the other is not is the most difficult kind of arrangement imagineable.

The 180 or you making changes should be done for YOU, not her. You are playing the pick me game and that rarely ends well for BH. Right now, she knows and believes that she can do whatever she wants to and you will be sitting there waiting and hoping she will change her mind. So what she has done in betraying you is having no immediate or real consequences since you have in essence given her a seven month period to play with your emotions.

When losing her home and being a part time parent, as you will, hits her in reality, that is your best chance of her realizing she may be making a mistake. But she must believe you are controlling the outcome not her.

If you are a sports fan, and if you were in a football game, you are playing defense and backpedaling while she drives s down the field. You need to take the ball away ( the initiative) and drive the outcome with you controlling the narrative.
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post #49 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 06:13 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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You forgot to mention the part where she asked him to go to counseling with her for the last three years and he refused. Three years of trying to be taken seriously before she stopped trying. Personally, I would still start divorce proceedings, but it's not like she wasn't trying to tell him something was wrong. He just refused to listen.
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He also did a great job insulting her and implying that her fat tub of lard self should've been darn he lowered himself to stick around, as her small hippo self shouldn't have expected any more than a guy not leaving. Now that she's smaller be should be rewarded for this.

Nice attitude. Fortunately I think OP is not a jerk like this.
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post #50 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 06:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Keesta,

What I was trying to say is as you just stated he is 3000 miles away and he is not your biggest problem right now no matter what he wants ot tries to do. Your biggest problem right now is that you plan to spend the next seven months living in the same house with a woman who will no longer consider herself married and who may start to live the single life in full view of you. I think you will find that very very difficult to accept if she starts to date and you can count on if she has told any of her girlfriends of the situation they will be encouraging her to have fun.

Have you asked or discussed with her any expectations for this in house separation. Or is she planning on living like a nun until the divorce is final. An in house separation where one party ( in this case you) is totally wanting to reconcile and the other is not is the most difficult kind of arrangement imagineable.

The 180 or you making changes should be done for YOU, not her. You are playing the pick me game and that rarely ends well for BH. Right now, she knows and believes that she can do whatever she wants to and you will be sitting there waiting and hoping she will change her mind. So what she has done in betraying you is having no immediate or real consequences since you have in essence given her a seven month period to play with your emotions.

When losing her home and being a part time parent, as you will, hits her in reality, that is your best chance of her realizing she may be making a mistake. But she must believe you are controlling the outcome not her.

If you are a sports fan, and if you were in a football game, you are playing defense and backpedaling while she drives s down the field. You need to take the ball away ( the initiative) and drive the outcome with you controlling the narrative.
Yes, the expectations are that we will be leading separate lives but in the same house. She is not a psychical or sexual person. She is emotional. I don't think she's going to go out on a bunch of dates and sleep around. If she does, then I'll deal with it then. But right now, I need to let her do what she feels she needs to do, give her space and work on ME. Hopefully she sees the changes, and decides to work on us. I have been controlling the marriage and her for too long. I don't want this separation and she knows where I stand and how I feel. If we get afford it financially I would leave and give her complete space. But for now, an in-house separation is the best we can do.

I appreciate what everyone is saying and respect their opinions. She has been trying to tell me for 3 years about what she was feeling. Now's the time for me to listen and respect her wishes, since I haven't for so long. It's my best chance for reconciliation at some point. I know it's a long shot and I'll be making these changes for ME and to make ME a better man and husband. Whether it's for her or someone else.
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post #51 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
He also did a great job insulting her and implying that her fat tub of lard self should've been darn he lowered himself to stick around, as her small hippo self shouldn't have expected any more than a guy not leaving. Now that she's smaller be should be rewarded for this.

Nice attitude. Fortunately I think OP is not a jerk like this.
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I'm not, and know what I've done and realize my mistakes. I'm going to make changes for ME and if she decides to stick around and see them and reap the benefits, awesome. If not, I'll be a better man for it.
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post #52 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 06:23 PM
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Red face Re: Wife wants to separate

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I am not defending the OP, he has mountains of ownership in this... but I do strongly feel that treated poorly is not an acceptable reason for engaging in an affair while married. If you are thinking another hidden relationship while married, even if just for sex, file and be done so that the cut is clean and with self-respect.

An affair is mutual assured destruction of all things self...
I can appreciate your thoughtful reply.....typically I'd get emotional triggering for saying something like this.

I'm going to be clear that poor treatment doesn't warrant an affair. BUT, I don't think one should be surprised if it happens after a lot of poor treatment.

And what she did is hardly the end of the world.....she talked to some dude on another coast. Hardly meeting at a hotel or planning their future. Not much different from chatting with a cam girl, which I doubt would get a recommendation for all kinds of exposure here.

Then she asked to separate.

Let's just say that if I cut my hb off sexually, does that mean I deserve it if he has an affair? No, but I can hardly be surprised, particularly if he'd made clear how big of an issue it is and I blew it off.

Then imagine that he decides to go and I start going on about vows. Well I would have essentially broken my vows when I cut him off, so clearly I'd be picking and choosing to suit myself.

Once you fail to honor your vows your spouse is under no obligation to work on anything.
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post #53 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 06:24 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I'm not, and know what I've done and realize my mistakes. I'm going to make changes for ME and if she decides to stick around and see them and reap the benefits, awesome. If not, I'll be a better man for it.
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That's good. The other poster was quite nasty.
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post #54 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 06:26 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I'm not, and know what I've done and realize my mistakes. I'm going to make changes for ME and if she decides to stick around and see them and reap the benefits, awesome. If not, I'll be a better man for it.
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AND you will have a woman with whom you will be happy, and know how to keep around. It may or may not be your wife.

Just keep this in mind: you get to decide if you are going to be happy or not. Your desire to win your wife back is a very human thing, but it is for entirely selfish reasons. You want her back so that YOU can be happy. The problem is not a moral one. The problem with that is that you are putting your happiness on someone else. You are essentially saying that you refuse to be happy if you can't have her. And if she doesn't treat you in such and such manner.

That's a very human thing to do. Practically everyone on the planet does it. It usually takes a hell of a traumatic experience to realize that happiness is something we always have, should we choose it.
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post #55 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 06:39 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I personally tend to put cheaters into two distinct buckets:

The selfish, entitled pr!cks that have loving, willing spouses but think they're entitled to more, and the ones who were treated poorly by their spouse.

TAM treats them all as bucket one, but I think they need to be approached differently.

This one is bucket two.
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I see some bending here....by some who thought they never could.

The blacks become grey, then ashen, then dove through misty eyes ............. the whites...walking on eggshells, then tan, never clear again.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #56 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 07:21 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I see some bending here....by some who thought they never could.

The blacks become grey, then ashen, then dove through misty eyes ............. the whites...walking on eggshells, then tan, never clear again.
Life is seldom black and white.....it's pretty much all shades of beige and grey.

That's as poetic as a nerd like me can get.
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post #57 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 08:10 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

@lifeistooshort You are not a nerd.

Expressing the words is one thing........feeling, not words but emphatic sentiment is a better perch to sit on. Enjoy your chair!

The road to maturity is initially paved with highly ground [often painful] sentiment. This is the base. Later it will be paved over with what?

Wisdom and Discernment.

Wise enough to know the difference between willfully and knowingly committing error and simply not having the capacity to prevent error.

The greater capacity is a precarious perch. It is painful to sit on and easy to jump off.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #58 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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@lifeistooshort You are not a nerd.

Expressing the words is one thing........feeling, not words but emphatic sentiment is a better perch to sit on. Enjoy your chair!

The road to maturity is initially paved with highly ground [often painful] sentiment. This is the base. Later it will be paved over with what?

Wisdom and Discernment.

Wise enough to know the difference between willfully and knowingly committing error and simply not having the capacity to prevent error.

The greater capacity is a precarious perch. It is painful to sit on and easy to jump off.
That's sweet of you to say, but I actually am a pretty big nerd.

I'm ok with that.....have made my peace with it. And I work with a bunch of other nerds, so I spend lots of time with my kind.

I'm good at blunt comments as you can probably tell, but I'm not a poet like you.

It's all good though, poetry isn't required in my line of work.

A sense of humor is though, and I have lots of that!
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post #59 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 08:46 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I am committed to this, no matter how far gone or how deep in the fog she may be. I saw my IC today, and I know what I need to do. It's time I show her the changes in practice, rather than words.

No more talking about it.No more worrying about the OM and whether she's talking to him. FOCUS on me and making my changes, hopefully wake her out of the fog and work on this marriage together.
No, actually, you're not. If you were, you would be fighting the affair. Telling her parents. Best friend. Asking them to help you by supporting the family, and not her affair fog (explain to them what it means). Showing everyone that you are humble enough to admit your shortcomings and your dedication to fixing your faults in the marriage, but also expecting her not to just walk away after all these years without even trying. Usually, what we tell people is to tell the cheater, after exposure, that if they will go no contact with the affair partner, and they look at fixing the marriage, if she's still wanting to walk after 6 months or so, he will step aside and let her; but just giving in to a whim while she's in the middle of affair fog isn't fair to anyone. If you explain it to her folks and friends that way, you look like an ok guy and they just might support you and tell her to knock it off.
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post #60 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 08:52 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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You make some good points. He is 3000 miles away in CA while we are in MA. I'm just worried that he'll work on her emotionally and pull her even further away than she is right now. While there may currently be nearly no chance of reconciliation, I worry him being involved only decreases the odds. I don't believe it will turn into anything serious with him, and that he is simply a transition affair to her. I guess I will just deal with what comes, focus on making the changes, hope she sees them and recognizes they're genuine and chooses to work on it...
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This is why you expose. And then tell her if she contacts OM again, you will move to divorce and help her find a new place to live.

At the very least, you should stop paying for her cell phone and internet, if she won't quit contacting him. Show her you're committed, but show some strength, too.
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