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post #61 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 08:59 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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But right now, I need to let her do what she feels she needs to do, give her space and work on ME. Hopefully she sees the changes, and decides to work on us. I have been controlling the marriage and her for too long. I don't want this separation and she knows where I stand and how I feel. If we get afford it financially I would leave and give her complete space. But for now, an in-house separation is the best we can do.

I appreciate what everyone is saying and respect their opinions. She has been trying to tell me for 3 years about what she was feeling. Now's the time for me to listen and respect her wishes, since I haven't for so long. It's my best chance for reconciliation at some point.
Actually, no, it's not. You came here for advice. And you're ignoring the half of it that requires you standing up to her, making her angry. It's advice because it's the best chance of working and because we've seen it work. Your instinct is to back down, beg her to love you again. And we've been trying to tell you that doesn't work. But suit yourself.

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post #62 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 09:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Actually, no, it's not. You came here for advice. And you're ignoring the half of it that requires you standing up to her, making her angry. It's advice because it's the best chance of working and because we've seen it work. Your instinct is to back down, beg her to love you again. And we've been trying to tell you that doesn't work. But suit yourself.
Question, and not being disrespectful...how does me, exposing her, going against her wishes, do anything but show her that I'm continuing to disrespect her emotions and feelings, as I've been doing for years? I'm trying to change and be more supportive and emotionally respectful...
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post #63 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 09:42 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Question, and not being disrespectful...how does me, exposing her, going against her wishes, do anything but show her that I'm continuing to disrespect her emotions and feelings, as I've been doing for years? I'm trying to change and be more supportive and emotionally respectful...
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Because nothing can be fixed while the affair is ongoing. You are trying the "nice her back" approach which just lowers your status. The only thing they see at this time is the affair.

All marriages have issues, problems but bringing another person into a marriage trumps all issues.
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post #64 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 09:44 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I'm going to grow and be supportive and emotionally respectful in my life...
Please allow me to present another perspective without judgement...
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post #65 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 09:50 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Because you - and she, and everyone else - are not taking into account the affair fog. I've asked you to look it up. When someone like your wife starts chumming it up with another man, her brain goes on overdrive. Especially if she's been depressed and ignored and obese and is suddenly attractive. It's like a 14 year old getting to date a high school senior. Her whole life becomes all about that guy. She'd sell her sister to get more time with that guy. She'd steal from her parents and give it to him if he just goes out with her. It's all she can think about.

That's what it's like when someone starts cheating. That's the affair fog. They are a drug addict. They are suddenly getting so high on the allure of the affair that they'll give up family, home, money, husband...just to feel that high again.

So what happens when your kid becomes a drug addict? Do you just say I'm sorry I was a bad dad, we'll just let you have some time to yourself and see if you can get better? No. You take control. You set up guidelines so they can get safe again.

And that's how you explain it to her parents/siblings/friend. She's not herself; she's addicted to the high of the affair; she's not thinking straight; she needs to stop contacting him so she can clear her head of the fog and think straight again. That's all I'm asking - that she stop all contact with OM. And at the end of the school year, if she still wants to divorce, I'll walk away. But this is not an honorable end to our marriage if she won't give him up.
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post #66 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 10:07 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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You make some good points. He is 3000 miles away in CA while we are in MA. I'm just worried that he'll work on her emotionally and pull her even further away than she is right now. While there may currently be nearly no chance of reconciliation, I worry him being involved only decreases the odds. I don't believe it will turn into anything serious with him, and that he is simply a transition affair to her. I guess I will just deal with what comes, focus on making the changes, hope she sees them and recognizes they're genuine and chooses to work on it...
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Barf - stop beating yourself up. The problem is not him its your old lady. Get this through your head: 1) she does not love you; 2) she does not respect you; 3) in the future there will be someone else other than him eventually because of 1 and 2. She stayed with you when she was a big fatty because it was convenient and no other person would want her, but maybe now she thinks there are other options better than you. I get it, there are kids involved but what are you going to do? Don't worry if she sees and recognizes whatever changes you think you need to make. Maybe I'm shallow or just because I have been a fitness freak my whole life but why would you want to reconcile with some person that was depressed and obese at age 30 then lost some weight and figured the grass was greener elsewhere? She is probably a step or 2 ahead of you. Seek a family attorney and figure out what you need to do. She has probably already done this herself, that's why she suggested you move out (abandonment).

Very respectfully
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post #67 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 12:11 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by kesta86 View Post
Question, and not being disrespectful...how does me, exposing her, going against her wishes, do anything but show her that I'm continuing to disrespect her emotions and feelings, as I've been doing for years? I'm trying to change and be more supportive and emotionally respectful...
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You appear to be co-dependant. If you want to change, then strengthen yourself and stand up for yourself.

Last edited by Palodyne; 11-18-2016 at 12:44 PM.
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post #68 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 05:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Because you - and she, and everyone else - are not taking into account the affair fog. I've asked you to look it up. When someone like your wife starts chumming it up with another man, her brain goes on overdrive. Especially if she's been depressed and ignored and obese and is suddenly attractive. It's like a 14 year old getting to date a high school senior. Her whole life becomes all about that guy. She'd sell her sister to get more time with that guy. She'd steal from her parents and give it to him if he just goes out with her. It's all she can think about.

That's what it's like when someone starts cheating. That's the affair fog. They are a drug addict. They are suddenly getting so high on the allure of the affair that they'll give up family, home, money, husband...just to feel that high again.

So what happens when your kid becomes a drug addict? Do you just say I'm sorry I was a bad dad, we'll just let you have some time to yourself and see if you can get better? No. You take control. You set up guidelines so they can get safe again.

And that's how you explain it to her parents/siblings/friend. She's not herself; she's addicted to the high of the affair; she's not thinking straight; she needs to stop contacting him so she can clear her head of the fog and think straight again. That's all I'm asking - that she stop all contact with OM. And at the end of the school year, if she still wants to divorce, I'll walk away. But this is not an honorable end to our marriage if she won't give him up.
I did Google it last night. I read this article...What is an Affair Fog and How To Know If Your Spouse is in an Affair Fog - Love Evolve and Thrive and I agree that this is where she is. I accept responsibility for my part, but she is continuing to speak with the OM. Like you said, it's like it a drug and she can't go without her fix...The problem I'm facing is she has told me she is tired of continuing to talk about our relationship. She feels as though I'm badgering her and talking about it daily. How do I get her out of this fog? How do I tell her this is what I think is going on? I don't want to keep talking about it when she has said not too, which would continue to show that I don't respect her emotions or needs? Do I just wait out the fog and hope it goes away? The first thing NOT to do on this list is to expose the affair, so I'm not sure that is the best avenue...
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post #69 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 06:01 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Moderator Warning

Any further rude remarks about the wife in this thread will not just be deleted.

The person making such rude remarks will earn themselves a ban.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #70 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 06:08 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

@kesta86

Based on everything you've posted so far, it looks like your wife is involved in an exit affair. It ticks off every characteristic you've described of both your wife (conflict avoidant ) and your marital relationship to date.

This article https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute....-exit-affairs/ may help you understand what you are dealing with first hand.

Affair Overview:
*The relationship had underlying tension and resentment building up for years (perhaps starting before their wedding)
*They are either unwilling to meet each others needs, or unwilling to talk about meeting each others needs.
*The lack of conflict, is often misinterpreted as a sign “all is fine”
*Leaving the relationship is often surrounded in guilt, however staying in the relationship would be unbearable.
*The relationship with the lover would typically only last as long as the pain of leaving the relationship. The cheater will often spend many years by themselves avoiding commitment and “entrapment.”
exit affair type


This type of affair is usually the outcome of.....a spouse that has been stuck in the marriage for one reason or another and has been waiting for the “right time” to leave.
*The affair is actually initiated years earlier in the mind of the unfaithful spouse, and the marriage relationship is maintained and tolerated by the cheater on the basis of the future plan.
*By the time the cheater is ready to leave, you will often hear them state…
“I’ve toyed with this idea for many years and I finally decided to do it”
*The plan to actually leave the spouse usually comes as a result of the spouses refusal to change, adapt, communicate, or meet some key relationship need in the marriage. The infidel, or future infidel, may try to discuss his or her needs with the spouse, but the spouse doesn’t want to hear or doesn’t want to understand.
*Quite often the infidel will come to a counselor or coach in order to help the spouse in the aftermath and crisis. They wish no harm to their spouse.
*After separating from the spouse, the infidel rarely marries the affair partner. If they do the new marriage will rarely last beyond two years. The lover simply serves as an aid to empower the infidel to leave the pain of the marriage.
*The infidel really wants no commitment, and a new freedom.


Unfortunately for you, this type of affair has the lowest recovery rates of any type of affair.

Chance for reconciliation: Highly unlikely

IMO, your wife is gone. She may be physically present but she no longer shares an emotional bond to you. Those were probably cut long ago. You can use your energy attempting to stop your already gone wife from leaving or you can focus it on lessening the pain of a failed relationship by disconnecting emotionally. The decision is yours to make.

Learn from your mistakes. Work on improving yourself. Make yourself the best man you can be. These are all things your children and future partner(s) will appreciate.

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post #71 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 07:29 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by kesta86 View Post
Question, and not being disrespectful...how does me, exposing her, going against her wishes, do anything but show her that I'm continuing to disrespect her emotions and feelings, as I've been doing for years? I'm trying to change and be more supportive and emotionally respectful...
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you can't compete with her AP. He is all fun, roses and unicorns. She is getting severe doses of feel good chemicals every time she talks to him, kisses him, f him, etc. From you she gets the rest of life's misery.

Exposure will put pressure on her from her peers to end the non-sense. Only chance you have.

Also, you appear weak in backing down, allowing her to date with no consequences, groveling with her to try to talk her into loving you. WEAK. Women hate weak men.
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post #72 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 07:31 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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She feels as though I'm badgering her and talking about it daily. How do I get her out of this fog? How do I tell her this is what I think is going on? I don't want to keep talking about it when she has said not too, which would continue to show that I don't respect her emotions or needs? Do I just wait out the fog and hope it goes away? The first thing NOT to do on this list is to expose the affair, so I'm not sure that is the best avenue...
Exposure is A1, A2 would be to file, A3 is to act like you are planning on living without her. Do the minimum at home, do anything you can legally do to prevent her from time and resources to date the OM, get out of the house and do 'guy stuff'.
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post #73 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 08:04 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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The problem I'm facing is she has told me she is tired of continuing to talk about our relationship. She feels as though I'm badgering her and talking about it daily. How do I get her out of this fog? How do I tell her this is what I think is going on? I don't want to keep talking about it when she has said not too, which would continue to show that I don't respect her emotions or needs? Do I just wait out the fog and hope it goes away? The first thing NOT to do on this list is to expose the affair, so I'm not sure that is the best avenue...
So if your teenage daughter was hooked on heroin, would you care if you upset her by cutting her off from the heroin? No, you wouldn't. You'd do what needs to be done, for the good of the family. If your wife had decided to sell off all your furniture because she believed some conman who told her he was delivering a home full of furniture, would you let her continue? No, you'd stop her, for the good of the family.

Your problem, and this is typical of nearly EVERY betrayed husband who comes here, is you're afraid of making her mad. If it were a situation like I described above, you wouldn't think twice about making her mad, you'd just do what your FAMILY needed. But when it comes to a sexual relationship, men usually back down, kiss the woman's ass, and wait, and hope. Which is absolutely the worst thing to do when women cheat. Women are subconsciously drawn to strong men. This POSOM went after her; he's strong; that makes him desirable to her, makes her heart beat fast. You, on the other hand, are now sinking into the woodwork, offering to leave your bed, asking her what she needs to be comfortable (more or less), and that is the LAST thing she wants.

She wants her men to fight for her; she's high on her desirability and if you just say 'ok, do what you want,' you are no longer in her list of possibilities. It's screwy, but it's the only thing that works with cheating women.

Now, given your past neglect, it's a little iffy if she'll even care any more, but it's not a given that she's willing to throw everything away just to be away from you.

The ONLY marriages I've ever seen saved when women cheat are the ones who immediately say "Fine! Get out! Now! If you won't honor your vows, go run to your honey; I'll file for divorce tomorrow."

And I know that's terrifying. I get it. But you've already lost her. What else have you got to lose? At least this way, you still have a CHANCE at staying married. You just have to be willing to risk making her angry. And no, she won't understand why you're 'being so mean.' You just say 'I'm fighting to save my family' and nothing else. To everyone ELSE, you explain why you're doing it and explain the fog and send them links to the stuff. And then you wait and see if fear of repercussions from her family/friends is strong enough to get her to give up OM.

And if you're still too scared to do that, AT LEAST do something so that she can no longer contact OM in your home. That's disrespectful and you shouldn't put up with it, and every single time she contacts him in YOUR home, she cares about you a little bit less. Respects you a little bit less. Cancel the phone, cut the internet, or just take her phone from her and carry it outside. If she wants him so badly, she can go outside in the cold and call him like smokers have to do. Can you at least do that?
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post #74 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 08:46 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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So from her perspective what exactly is she throwing away?

A marriage to a guy who didn't think enough of her to pay any mind to the things that bother her as long as he got his?

That probably sounds harsher than I meant it, but it might help to look at it from her perspective, particularly if you want to reconcile at some point.

I sense an increasing sense of victim hood from you where you have nothing to do with anything and she just "broke her vows".

As I said in a previous post, did you uphold all of yours? Or are you cherry picking the vow that suits you?
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You always sound harsh to the guys. It usually turns out they weren't that bad after all and were simply letting someone else guilt them into taking blame via gaslighting. Just like now he's going to hold to a vow she broke. He has no clue yet what really went on or is going on. He's still in cheaters shock. He still wants to be her friend. We've seen this whole thing here a million times and can write it out for him.

If you want an eye opener google women, gastro surgery and divorce.

Unfortunately, with the walk all over me stance being taken, this is going to be one extremely long hard fall.

She lied, she cheated and she's still lying. Get tested for STDs and DNA test your kids.

Consider yourself lucky you are getting out of her horrible path at a young age.
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post #75 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 08:58 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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So if your teenage daughter was hooked on heroin, would you care if you upset her by cutting her off from the heroin? No, you wouldn't. You'd do what needs to be done, for the good of the family. If your wife had decided to sell off all your furniture because she believed some conman who told her he was delivering a home full of furniture, would you let her continue? No, you'd stop her, for the good of the family.

Your problem, and this is typical of nearly EVERY betrayed husband who comes here, is you're afraid of making her mad. If it were a situation like I described above, you wouldn't think twice about making her mad, you'd just do what your FAMILY needed. But when it comes to a sexual relationship, men usually back down, kiss the woman's ass, and wait, and hope. Which is absolutely the worst thing to do when women cheat. Women are subconsciously drawn to strong men. This POSOM went after her; he's strong; that makes him desirable to her, makes her heart beat fast. You, on the other hand, are now sinking into the woodwork, offering to leave your bed, asking her what she needs to be comfortable (more or less), and that is the LAST thing she wants.

She wants her men to fight for her; she's high on her desirability and if you just say 'ok, do what you want,' you are no longer in her list of possibilities. It's screwy, but it's the only thing that works with cheating women.

Now, given your past neglect, it's a little iffy if she'll even care any more, but it's not a given that she's willing to throw everything away just to be away from you.

The ONLY marriages I've ever seen saved when women cheat are the ones who immediately say "Fine! Get out! Now! If you won't honor your vows, go run to your honey; I'll file for divorce tomorrow."

And I know that's terrifying. I get it. But you've already lost her. What else have you got to lose? At least this way, you still have a CHANCE at staying married. You just have to be willing to risk making her angry. And no, she won't understand why you're 'being so mean.' You just say 'I'm fighting to save my family' and nothing else. To everyone ELSE, you explain why you're doing it and explain the fog and send them links to the stuff. And then you wait and see if fear of repercussions from her family/friends is strong enough to get her to give up OM.

And if you're still too scared to do that, AT LEAST do something so that she can no longer contact OM in your home. That's disrespectful and you shouldn't put up with it, and every single time she contacts him in YOUR home, she cares about you a little bit less. Respects you a little bit less. Cancel the phone, cut the internet, or just take her phone from her and carry it outside. If she wants him so badly, she can go outside in the cold and call him like smokers have to do. Can you at least do that?
Darn good advice, worth repeating. What you are trying to do WILL NOT WORK. What we are suggesting probably won't work because in her mind, she is done with you. But what you are doing IS NOT WORKING, and what we are suggesting is not only the ONLY POSSIBILITY, but the RIGHT THING TO DO for both your wife and yourself. And I personally know how hard it is to take advice that is emotionally the hardest thing you could possibly do. You want to show her how much you love her and care for her----- and that will drive her farther away than slapping her in the face and asking her to leave. REally.
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