The problem I'm facing is she has told me she is tired of continuing to talk about our relationship. She feels as though I'm badgering her and talking about it daily. How do I get her out of this fog? How do I tell her this is what I think is going on? I don't want to keep talking about it when she has said not too, which would continue to show that I don't respect her emotions or needs? Do I just wait out the fog and hope it goes away? The first thing NOT to do on this list is to expose the affair, so I'm not sure that is the best avenue...
So if your teenage daughter was hooked on heroin, would you care if you upset her by cutting her off from the heroin? No, you wouldn't. You'd do what needs to be done, for the good of the family. If your wife had decided to sell off all your furniture because she believed some conman who told her he was delivering a home full of furniture, would you let her continue? No, you'd stop her, for the good of the family.
Your problem, and this is typical of nearly EVERY betrayed husband who comes here, is you're afraid of making her mad. If it were a situation like I described above, you wouldn't think twice about making her mad, you'd just do what your FAMILY needed. But when it comes to a sexual relationship, men usually back down, kiss the woman's ass, and wait, and hope. Which is absolutely the worst thing to do when women cheat. Women are subconsciously drawn to strong men. This POSOM went after her; he's strong; that makes him desirable to her, makes her heart beat fast. You, on the other hand, are now sinking into the woodwork, offering to leave your bed, asking her what she needs to be comfortable (more or less), and that is the LAST thing she wants.
She wants her men to fight for her; she's high on her desirability and if you just say 'ok, do what you want,' you are no longer in her list of possibilities. It's screwy, but it's the only thing that works with cheating women.
Now, given your past neglect, it's a little iffy if she'll even care any more, but it's not a given that she's willing to throw everything away just to be away from you.
The ONLY marriages I've ever seen saved when women cheat are the ones who immediately say "Fine! Get out! Now! If you won't honor your vows, go run to your honey; I'll file for divorce tomorrow."
And I know that's terrifying. I get it. But you've already lost her. What else have you got to lose? At least this way, you still have a CHANCE at staying married. You just have to be willing to risk making her angry. And no, she won't understand why you're 'being so mean.' You just say 'I'm fighting to save my family' and nothing else. To everyone ELSE, you explain why you're doing it and explain the fog and send them links to the stuff. And then you wait and see if fear of repercussions from her family/friends is strong enough to get her to give up OM.
And if you're still too scared to do that, AT LEAST do something so that she can no longer contact OM in your home
. That's disrespectful and you shouldn't put up with it, and every single time she contacts him in YOUR home, she cares about you a little bit less. Respects you a little bit less. Cancel the phone, cut the internet, or just take her phone from her and carry it outside. If she wants him so badly, she can go outside in the cold and call him like smokers have to do. Can you at least do that?