Wife wants to separate - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 10:21 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by kesta86 View Post
If she decides to go to therapy with me during this time, awesome. It may result in the same outcome, us going our separate ways in June, but at least we can talk through things...I told her she has a couple of days to decide what she wants to do, but the ball is in her court now. She's the one that wants to separate and she's the one that doesn't want to be in this marriage, so she needs to figure out what she wants to do.

I will accept fault for what I did to drive her to where she is...But I didn't deserve to be cheated on. If she wanted to leave, she should've just filed the papers and left. She didn't and she needs to deal with the consequences. I won't continue to be cheated on in our house while I sit there, enabling it.
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post #92 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:29 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by kesta86 View Post
I think I posted on here that she had reconnected with the OM on FB...I decided to grow some b**ls and tell her how I was really feeling, instead of feeding her the lines I had been...

I gave her an ultimatum. If she wants to make it through the Holidays for the kids, then she needs to cut off all contact with the OM. After the holidays, if she can't go without contacting him, she can file the papers and leave the house. Same goes if she can't go without contacting him through the holidays. She can file the papers and get out. If she wants to make it through the rest of the school year for the kids, she needs to cut off contact with him through June. Once we are in our own places, she can do as she pleases...If she decides to lie and contact him behind my back during either of these times and I find out, I will file At Fault divorce papers for Adultery...I can't have her continuing to build a relationship, despite it not being physical, while in OUR house, on OUR couch with me in the house. Whether we are separated during this time in her mind or not. I won't do it and I won't be the one leaving.

If she decides to go to therapy with me during this time, awesome. It may result in the same outcome, us going our separate ways in June, but at least we can talk through things...I told her she has a couple of days to decide what she wants to do, but the ball is in her court now. She's the one that wants to separate and she's the one that doesn't want to be in this marriage, so she needs to figure out what she wants to do.

I will accept fault for what I did to drive her to where she is...But I didn't deserve to be cheated on. If she wanted to leave, she should've just filed the papers and left. She didn't and she needs to deal with the consequences. I won't continue to be cheated on in our house while I sit there, enabling it.

I'll keep everyone updated with how it goes...Thanks for all the advice...
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post #93 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 01:55 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Looks like you are now on the right track but don't threaten all this and not follow through, do go see that lawyer.
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post #94 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 06:24 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Because I vowed to be with her no matter what. Sickness, health, good, bad, everything. I will be the better person and honor those vows. She broke them when she cheated and she's breaking them by wanting separation. I will not.
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Then you are being hardheaded and a fool. She has already broken the marriage contract.

She is leaving.

The home is being sold.

You need to start worrying about your kids.

Your cheating wife is already gone.
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post #95 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 06:45 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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There you go. Did you apologize for your faults leading up to the emotional affair; for ignoring her pleads to go to counseling?
There you go. Justifying an affair. No genius, she could have divorced him if he was a ****ty husband. But your answer? Just have an affair and its just all OK.

OP, I hope you take that for what its worth.
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post #96 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 06:56 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Question, and not being disrespectful...how does me, exposing her, going against her wishes, do anything but show her that I'm continuing to disrespect her emotions and feelings, as I've been doing for years? I'm trying to change and be more supportive and emotionally respectful...
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Because you have two separate issues.

First, you neglected your wife for so long that she is no longer in love with you.

Second, she cheated.

She started that affair after a 30 min talk with the OM. You think it's not going to happen again? The only way to keep her from continuing the current one or starting an other is to expose what she did.
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post #97 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 07:24 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

That's the right thing to do. I was with my ex wife 12 years and enabling her to cheat. We are both attractive people so that wasn't the problem. We had sex problems but that was because she wanted power over me. Overall I look back and see we had an ok sex life. The day before I kicked her out we had some amazing sex. So I don't think that is why we divorced.

She had clinical depression problems and anxiety disorder too. For years she wouldn't go to therapy even though I begged her. In fact I did everything I could to meet her needs. I literally bent over to meet her needs constantly. I was always concerned with what she wanted. I constantly told her she was beautiful and that she meant the world to me. We always did things together. Yet somehow I wasn't doing what I needed. Somehow I missed something. She would always say I could write a book about all the problems.

Looking back I see that I spoiled her. I bought her clothes regularly, lingerie, I took pictures of her often and I put her on a pedestal. I paid spacial attention to her emotional needs. I was always doing things to make her feel better. I told her I loved her multiple times a day. If she didn't want to have full sex I would please her and not get anything from her. She was my Honey Bun and I was her Reese's Pieces. We told each other we loved each other often. Even after we separated and she had a boyfriend. I sure thought she loved me. Yeah she had cycles she would go through with things got bad. I thought it was the depression. It seemed like it and I posted about it to get help. The best advice I got was to divorce.

I allowed her to have two affairs with the same guy twice. It didn't stop till he dumped her for good. I tried for many years to get counseling not only for her but for me and us together. We only want to a marriage therapist once. We had meetings with a preacher before we got married. I was reluctant to marry because she had cheated before. We both cheated and I admit I cheated trying to get her back but that all happened the first year we met and we were young. I grew out of it and I figured she would too and I was wrong.

Our mutual friends said they never saw it coming. I did notice she doesn't have friends long. The friends she had during our separation aren't her friends anymore and The friends she had during our divorce she doesn't have anymore. In fact I don't know what kinda people she hangs with. Her boyfriend is the worst type you can get. I just recently found out he used to do drugs. He seems to be unstable. His ex wife tried to reach out to my ex wife to I guess want her but she couldn't get in contact with her so she found me. I don't know how she found me though.

The point is if she isn't going to stop talking to the OM she isn't going to work on your marriage. Been there done that and it doesn't work. If not him someone else. The only difference I had is my ex wouldn't leave me. She always said it was over after things fell apart. I would say there were maybe 7 good years spaced out which is probably why I stayed so long. I loved her and still do love her deeply but I had to move on.

I just recently found out her boyfriend was against her leaving me because he wanted her to have more money. I don't have full details because my daughters was hiding in the closet when she heard them talking about it. I don't push them for details because one is 7 and the other is 11. As much as I try my oldest has this incredible anger towards her and her boyfriend. All 3 have it but here is the strongest. She has to understand that THERE WILL BE ISSUED FOR YOUR CHILDREN. You family will be torn apart if she doesn't see that. You can lessen the damage but you can't stop it. Hopefully she is good about it (Mine gave me hell and still is)

My kids still hold out hope she will come home and I try very hard not to crush that. I explain to them that it probably won't happen but I don't know the future. They get mad at me if I say never because their mother says that and they say only God knows the future which they are right. They say they see things in her that makes them have hope. I don't see it happening. I'm single by choice because if I do get married again I don't want to make the same mistakes. I still say she is a good person because she was for many years. She just has a problem making the wrong choices in life. She has had a rough time since I kicked her out but it's not like we have had it easy either. She hasn't seen her children much in the last year and six months she has been gone. She lost her truck last year (which I paid for with my down payment money). She got bumped down from being a manager and recently lost her job (she quit). Her boyfriend lost his job (he got fired) and they lost their apartment. He isn't that great anyway from what his ex tells me. They both are behind on child support and now live further away. She can't see her children when she wants to and doesn't call or text them. Believe me the line is open but no one is trying to reach them. They don't call her because we only have his number and they know she had a phone. He doesn't want her talking to her children when they are not there and he doesn't want her talking to me for co-parenting.

Also don't be her friend. My ex tried to goat me into that. She wanted me her and her boyfriend to sit down and talk. Been there done that and it's garbage. It's just a way to put the OM in your face.

Basically what I'm saying is don't let it get to the point where it's like my situation. It's miserable on both me and the kids. My toughest problem has been dealing with the emotional damage to my children. I try to be the best dad I can be to them. We saw this coming a few months before because she has left before and that ended badly. I shouldn't have taken her back then because she hadn't changed. She got back in because I was her friend and that was the wrong the thing to be at the time.

I know it hurts really bad but don't do what I did. Let her leave. I don't think you treated her that bad but she had the view point you did. I know I listened to my ex wife every single time there was a problem and it didn't save our marriage. Maybe that was because she is easily influenced I don't know. I have been through the therapy with and without her. My therapist that has seen us both said there are things wrong with her that a divorce won't help. He flat out told me recently that he only thinks she did well for so long was because of my hard headedness to leave. He doesn't think any relationship she has will last because she isn't dealing with the root cause of her problems and no person can fix that for her. No new boyfriend or husband will change that for her. She will keep making the mistakes unless she makes a choice to change. She has to choose YOU, which means choosing her family over the OM. You may be a good guy or you might not be but you admit you made mistakes. You want to change yourself and that's the right choice, not for her but you. I don't hold not going to therapy against you because I don't think it would have helped. She sounds like she made up her mind long before she wanted you to go to therapy with her. The therapy was for her and if her depression was caused by you in her mind she should have told you. Did she have depression before she met you? Mine did.

I don't know about the overweight aspect. I am fairly in shape and my ex liked me the way I was. I work out more now but it's because it helps me relax. You don't sound like an a$$ho!3. You loved her before and after her surgery which is why I don't hold you not going to therapy with her against you. You loved her for her and who she was. Just like me you loved all her faults. I don't see how she could have wanted more. Marriage is about compromising. It doesn't mean getting everything you wanted but getting some of the things you wanted. I read the book Her needs His needs (I think that's the name) I did a lot of those things recommended in that book before we got where we were. She didn't think it would help because she had given up. She blamed me multiple times for her cheating and blames me for being with her current boyfriend. She said I basically ran her into his arms when I kicked her out not even acknowledging that she was having an emotional affair with her boss at the time.

Every single time she cheated it was my fault in some way or form. Even though I did everything I possibly could to meet her needs. I do say I'm responsible for my own part because no divorce is one sided. I am to blame for my part. She didn't respect me because she got no negative consequences for cheating so many times. I blamed it on her depression and enabled her to get bolder and bolder. She made it my fault because I wasn't fighting hard enough and at the same time forcing my hands to be tied. Love was thrown in my face, loosing my children was thrown in my face, and finally she claimed my love was "so called love" and I didn't really love her. That was what pushed me over the edge now that I think about it. So I left and didn't look back.


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post #98 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 08:17 AM
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Cool Re: Wife wants to separate

Preeminently late to the party, but your W seems to have become a head case since her surgery of enhancement!

It obviously paid off dividends, but not for her H. Her decision to cheat was a unilateral, covert one, because some equally unfaithful, self-serving lout made eye candy out of her and she fastly reciprocated!

As her H and life's partner, you weren't ever consulted or given due consideration! Since the positivity of her surgery, you've been effectively relegated to being placed in the role of her "Dad," while her loyalties now go to some OM who couldn't give a tinkers damn about your welfare or that of your family!

While it's rather apparent that she developed a fast EA with this guy, I would not bet a plug nickel that this affair was taken to the physical level!

Having said that, it's well past time for "the 180," and seeing a good lawyer to appraise you of your many legal rights and responsibilities! Also get yourself checked out by your MD for the presence of any STD's!

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post #99 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 09:49 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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First time on this site, so let me give you all some background...

My wife and I have been together since we were 18. We met in June of 2005 and found out we were pregnant with our daughter in October. She was born in July of 2006 and we were married in May of 2007. I don't think we were madly in love at first, but over time, we both fell in love. We were blessed with a son in April of 2009 and things had been great...or so I thought...

My wife has always dealt with anxiety and depression. She had struggled with her weight her whole life and after the two kids, it only got worse. She eventually got up the courage to attend some IC for the depression etc. in 2013.

I am not an emotional person...I am very logical and rational. I like to be in control of the situation and know what is going on. We complemented each other well.

In 2014/2015 she began talking about gastric bypass surgery. I encouraged her towards it, as I thought it would benefit her health and her mental state. I am happy to say she has killed it and has lost nearly 125 lbs. in less than 2 years. She has felt more confident in herself and is starting to feel beautiful, which is great.

Over the last 3 years of her attending IC, she has asked me to attend with her on a few occasions. I always refused, stating my dislike of therapists and thought they were a waste of time. I was happy it was working for her, but didn't see the benefit of me attending. To be fair, we did have discussions over those 3 years about how she wasn't happy and I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. I didn't listen...I was stubborn and often changed for a few weeks and then reverted back. Eventually she just stopped talking to me about it and I (stupidly) assumed everything was fine.

About 2 weeks ago, I logged on to Facebook, thinking it was my profile. She had left herself logged in and I didn't notice. There were some messages with another guy that started off innocent enough, and then crossed the line. She started telling him that she felt butterflies around him, thought he was very attractive and even exchanged phone numbers so as to possible meet up for lunch behind my back. I was shocked and mortified...My wife is the most moral and trustworthy person I know. I couldn't believe she would do this...

I confronted her that evening and she didn't try to hide or deny it. She said she felt a deep connection with this guy (she had literally met him for 30 mins at our daughter's cheer practice the week before, and then spent 6 hours sending messages on FB). It didn't make sense to me. I agreed that we needed to attend counseling and said I would do whatever she needed me to do. I did ask her to text the guy and tell him that she had made a mistake and was going to work on things with me. She said that she would, that she needed some space and she'd like to sleep on the couch for the next few nights. I agreed.

The next morning I awoke early for work. She had also gotten up to take the dog out, so I asked her if she had messaged him. She told me she did and that he had said that he understood and it was fine. But something didn't feel right. My wife is a horrible liar and I could see right through it. I kept pressing and she confessed that she had sent him PG-13 pictures and he had reciprocated with R-rated pics. They had also spent 2 hours on the phone after I had gone to bed and had phone sex. This guy was only in town visiting family for a few days and has since gone back to California, where he is stationed in the military. She has told me on multiple occasions since, that it wasn't about him individually, but about how he made her feel. It made her realize that she hadn't been feeling that way towards me and gave her the confidence to do something about it.

I was devastated. We went to her IC together and she talked about how I hadn't been emotionally supportive, had been condescending and disrespectful to her feelings over the last years (all true). She said that she had been wrestling with these thoughts (leaving me) for the better part of the 3 years and that meeting this guy had given her the courage to speak up. I told her that I still wanted to make this work and just needed a chance to make these changes. I agreed to attend my own IC for these issues, as well as marriage counseling together. She has for space for 6 days before the marriage counseling appointment and I agreed I would do my best...

Well, my best sucked, to say the least. I was so broken and hurt that I badgered her with questions and discussions about us. I'm not used to dealing with emotions and I didn't know how to handle it. I did give her some space for the last 3 days, but it was too late.

At the marriage counseling session, she told me she wanted to separate. She said she had never felt so sure about a decision. We agreed to make it through the holidays for the kids and then figure everything out in January. The counselor encouraged me to continue seeing my IC to work on my issues and to do it for myself and not to save the marriage (easier said than done).

We are currently still living in our house together and sleeping in the same bed (King size, opposite sides). It is daily torture for me to see her and not be able to hold her, touch her, kiss her, tell her how sorry I am and how much I care. The kids know something is up, but we are going to be quiet for now. We agreed that in January, I would move out for a month for a "trial separation". At first she told me we could use this time to see if she missed me at all or if us being apart caused her to feel anything. Now, it's just to temper the kids into the idea. We have a house together and can't afford a mortgage and rent payment, so in February I would come back and we would start working on the logistics of the separation.

To be clear, I don't want to separate at all. I feel like she is throwing away 10 years of marriage, the house we worked so hard for and doing emotional harm to the kids, without even giving me a chance to change. I realize this has been a long time coming for her, but in my mind, this has all happened in 14 days. Three weeks ago, I had a wife, kids, etc. and everything was ok. Now my whole world has been torn down. I can't eat, I can barely sleep. She seems so at peace with this and so calm. To see her just sitting on the couch in the evening and knowing that she isn't feeling the pain and hurt I am, just causes me more pain.

I don't know what to do. I have realized that begging, pleading and whining isn't going to get her back. She has told me that she is open to me changing, but that it probably won't change anything. I'm scared...I've never been with anyone else, never been single...I'm scared for my kids...I scared for my wife. I don't want to throw this all away and then have her realize this was a mistake in 10 months when the damage has been done. I will love her until the day I die and right now, I'd take her back no matter what, at anytime...

I really don't know what to do. I'm not worried about her continuing the brief affair, but I feel like she has already given up. My theory is that she is feeling more confident in her new body (2 years post Gastric Bypass) and this guy that she feels wouldn't have given her two looks 5 years ago was now attracted to her. She sent pictures of her body and he wasn't replused, like she thought he would be. She know wants to see if other guys that wouldn't have found her attractive pre-surgery will, and could make her happier than I have. This kills me, since I thought she was beautiful before and after, and have been there for her...

How do I save my marriage? Do I start the 180 plan? I really want this marriage to work, but I can't seem needy or pathetic. I'm scared of the unknown and scared for my family....

Sorry for the long post and major rant....
My 2 cents. There's nothing you can do. She's made her mind up and the more you try to convince her to stay the less likely it will be. You need to focus on you and the kids because she will continue to be selfish. You should refuse to leave the house. If she wants to be separated she needs to leave. You are not the one breaking up the house so you should not be forced to suffer even more. My father and I shared similar experiences with divorce. We both did the trial separation thing and it was used against us when it came down to custody.

If there is one thing I would suggest is DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. It would be different if you wanted to be separated. Your wife wants you out of her hair so that she can act like she's single. I wouldn't doubt she's thought about going out to California to visit that scum bag and being separated will make it ok in her mind.

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. SHE WANTS TO BE SEPARATED SO SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE. and don't listen to any bull**** about how the kids need her in the house. You have been helping to rase your kids since they were born and you are just as important of a parent as she is. She's the one that wants to break up the family so she needs to go. If she wants to work it out then she can come back to the loving home that you have built together

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post #100 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Make her move out if she wants a trial run. Get your ducks in row, cancel all shared credit cards. Get the bulk of your cash out of accounts that she can easily deplete. If she wants to be single, then give her a preview of how life will be without you.

Start hitting the gym 5x a week lifting heavy, eating healthy, and drinking only water. Keep going to IC. Time to work on yourself, making you the best you've ever been. You can't change how she feels. Sounds like she checked out a while ago and isn't coming back.
For sho. Start protecting yourself.trust me it hurts so bad but you can recover emotionally but she could reck you financially. Draft up a separation agreement outlining who owes what debt. You can use it to you advantage if you do not reconcile. Do not make hasty dissisions when you doing it. Take time to think everything out clearly and not emotionally. And most importantly don't make any dissisions just to make her happy.

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post #101 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 09:57 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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She has already told me she has cut off communication with the OM and that it wasn't about him specifically. It was about the feeling she had with him and that she didn't have that with me and hadn't for a long time. It gave her the confidence to speak up and finally say she was done. I feel so stupid that I was so blind and deaf for so long.

An in-house separation is on the table. I said I would sleep in the basement while we figure out how to sell our home, etc. I just don't know that it's going to help or that she is going to be willing to give it another try, regardless. I guess all I can do is stop acting like a lost puppy, stop following her around or trying to win her back. I need to make changes and do it for me, while hoping she realizes what she's doing. This sucks....
Why should you sleep in the basement? She wants the separation why should she get to be comfortable?

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post #102 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 09:58 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Arbitrator and xxxSHxYZxxx are exactly right and said it better.

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post #103 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 10:03 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Finally.

Own it like a boss.
It took me a couple of months to come to this same point when I was in your situation. Good for you.

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post #104 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 10:25 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I think I posted on here that she had reconnected with the OM on FB...I decided to grow some b**ls and tell her how I was really feeling, instead of feeding her the lines I had been...

I gave her an ultimatum. If she wants to make it through the Holidays for the kids, then she needs to cut off all contact with the OM. After the holidays, if she can't go without contacting him, she can file the papers and leave the house. Same goes if she can't go without contacting him through the holidays. She can file the papers and get out. If she wants to make it through the rest of the school year for the kids, she needs to cut off contact with him through June. Once we are in our own places, she can do as she pleases...If she decides to lie and contact him behind my back during either of these times and I find out, I will file At Fault divorce papers for Adultery...I can't have her continuing to build a relationship, despite it not being physical, while in OUR house, on OUR couch with me in the house. Whether we are separated during this time in her mind or not. I won't do it and I won't be the one leaving.

If she decides to go to therapy with me during this time, awesome. It may result in the same outcome, us going our separate ways in June, but at least we can talk through things...I told her she has a couple of days to decide what she wants to do, but the ball is in her court now. She's the one that wants to separate and she's the one that doesn't want to be in this marriage, so she needs to figure out what she wants to do.

I will accept fault for what I did to drive her to where she is...But I didn't deserve to be cheated on. If she wanted to leave, she should've just filed the papers and left. She didn't and she needs to deal with the consequences. I won't continue to be cheated on in our house while I sit there, enabling it.

I'll keep everyone updated with how it goes...Thanks for all the advice...
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post #105 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 10:39 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Sorry you are here but it is not as if you didnt have a part to play. She should not have cheated but she was trying to get your attention, you even admit it and want to back track when the chips are down. This is something I can never understand about guys. The wife tells them over and over the marriage is in trouble but they prefer to stick their head in the sand.

Read this Walk Away Women and The Devastated Men Who Love Them | YourTango

Now you have to do some things that might (might not) win her back, they seem counter intuitive but do them. At the moment, she cheated, feels justified as you didn't listen to her and is expecting you to wait around while she makes a decision, that is not on. If she wants you physically gone, she is the one who cheated so she should move out, not you.

1. no begging pleading
2. go to IC for yourself, become a better man for yourself
3. Do the 180 hard, act as if you believe that she wants to move on, no emotions, no affection, give her what she wants, only discuss finances and the kids
4. tell family and friends what has happened - her cheating/EA - expose it, you have nothing to be ashamed about
5. Go see a lawyer and see what your options are and what needs to be done
My wife had a habit of complaining about me to get friends.

Eventually she was told by her best friend that she was full of it and that I was nowhere near as bad as she said.

So sometimes the complaints are not valid.
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