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post #106 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 11:16 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Bull****. People don't cheat to get someone else's attention. Cheating a selfish act and nothing else. Everything else I completely agree with.

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post #107 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 12:18 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

I think it's quite reasonable to tell her she's not going to carry on with someone else while living with you.

That's the problem with an in house separation.....it's going to be difficult to control that. And what is the purpose of said separation? If it's not to reconcile it might be tough to enforce not talking to others.

And eventually you might detach and meet someone.

So either you're both in or you're not.

I think she's done, but maybe she'll change her mind.

Just be careful throwing around the vows argument because it's self serving. You didn't uphold yours either, so to try to use them to manipulate her back into the marriage is phony and self serving, and it's not going to get you the loving wife you want.

But your attitude of i own my part in getting her here but I'm not going to exist in the same house while she talks to other men is very reasonable.
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post #108 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to separate

She was a bit taken aback. Wanted to know where this came from. I told it's what I should've said from the beginning, but I was scared and an emotional wreck. She's the one who cheated. If she wanted out so bad, she should've just filed the papers and left. She didn't and she needs to own it. I think she gets it now. She wants to separate, break up our family and leave me without trying, that's her prerogative. But I won't let her continue to cheat with the OM while we are both in our house. I don't care how much she tells me it's not about him...if it wasn't about him, she wouldn't have refriended him on FB and continued conversations. Balls in her court now...cut it off and make it through the Holidays/school year and still separate, continue to talk to him and leave OUR house immediately, or go to therapy and work through our issues. Therapy may lead to the same result of us separating, but I won't have her talking to the OM while we are in the same house. I own what I did to put us here, and I'm going to therapy and working on them. Up to her if she decides to work with me or leave..
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post #109 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 01:46 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Good job. Be wary of the guilting. It will fast and furious. How could you do this? You can't love me if you could do this to me. Do NOT get into it with her. She's just trying to regain control. Refuse to discuss it. Simply say "I'm owning my problems, you should too."

Have you read Lonely Husband 42301's thread? It's the best definition of success I've seen on here. He did the hard line thread, he removed himself from her, and she came running. Today, they're the biggest example of a couple in love I've seen.
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post #110 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 01:57 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
This is a typical TAM hysteria response. The reason I probably sound harsh toward guys is because TAM group think absolves all hb's whose wives bat an eye at another guy and labels said wives.cheating, lying b@tches.


Seems to me that for a hb who treats his wife like crap her having some emails with another guy is great because then nothing is his fault.
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You left some crucial facts out of erstwhile [hillary's] emails.

She sent him personal pictures, he sent d!ck pics, back.

Emails, pictures, phone sex took this to the dark side of POSOM's backside Moon.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #111 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 01:59 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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There you go. Justifying an affair. No genius, she could have divorced him if he was a ****ty husband. But your answer? Just have an affair and its just all OK.

OP, I hope you take that for what its worth.
I am not justifying her affair but he hasn't been tending to their marriage for three years, so he owns his part leading up to her affair.
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post #112 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 07:17 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by kesta86 View Post
She was a bit taken aback. Wanted to know where this came from. I told it's what I should've said from the beginning, but I was scared and an emotional wreck. She's the one who cheated. If she wanted out so bad, she should've just filed the papers and left. She didn't and she needs to own it. I think she gets it now. She wants to separate, break up our family and leave me without trying, that's her prerogative. But I won't let her continue to cheat with the OM while we are both in our house. I don't care how much she tells me it's not about him...if it wasn't about him, she wouldn't have refriended him on FB and continued conversations. Balls in her court now...cut it off and make it through the Holidays/school year and still separate, continue to talk to him and leave OUR house immediately, or go to therapy and work through our issues. Therapy may lead to the same result of us separating, but I won't have her talking to the OM while we are in the same house. I own what I did to put us here, and I'm going to therapy and working on them. Up to her if she decides to work with me or leave..
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Well done.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #113 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 07:35 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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I am not justifying her affair but he hasn't been tending to their marriage for three years, so he owns his part leading up to her affair.
He owns 50% of the problems . She owns the affair 100%

He was in the same ****ty marriage and did not cheat . You continue to want to make excuses for
Her
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post #114 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 07:44 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
He owns 50% of the problems . She owns the affair 100%

He was in the same ****ty marriage and did not cheat . You continue to want to make excuses for
Her
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Cheating aside, he apparently doesn't didn't think the marriage was so sh!tty. He seemed to be just fine with it, particularly when she shut up and stopped pestering him to tend to her needs.

He only became devastated once she told him she wanted out.

So we can assume the marriage worked for him. He hasn't said that he was unhappy, only that she communicated her unhappiness and he had no interest in dealing with it.

Have I missed where he said he was also unhappy?
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post #115 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 07:52 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Cheating aside, he apparently doesn't didn't think the marriage was so sh!tty. He seemed to be just fine with it, particularly when she shut up and stopped pestering him to tend to her needs.

He only became devastated once she told him she wanted out.

So we can assume the marriage worked for him. He hasn't said that he was unhappy, only that she communicated her unhappiness and he had no interest in dealing with it.

Have I missed where he said he was also unhappy?
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Cheating aside??? Really?? So I guess you think he should just suck it up and it's just fine she decided to express her unhappiness by climbing in bed with another man?
There is no "cheating aside". It's called adultsry and a few of you seem to think it's a satisfactory remedy for not liking your marriage.

I'll bet that's comforting to OP.
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post #116 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 08:00 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

[QUOTE=straightshooter;16912377]Cheating aside??? Really?? So I guess you think he should just suck it up and it's just fine she decided to express her unhappiness by climbing in bed with another man?
There is no "cheating aside". It's called adultsry and a few of you seem to think it's a satisfactory remedy for not liking your marriage.

I'll bet that's comforting to OP.
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First of all, she didn't climb into bed with another man.

Try reading the original post.

She talked to some guy and had a round of phone sex with him. Not cool, but not much different from jerking it to a cam girl or phone sex line.

Would you be freaking out about that?

And I never said it was a satisfactory response, your triggering assigned that to me. If that's what I thought I would've said it.

I was responding to your comment that he was in the same sh!tty marriage by pointing out that we have no reason to think it was sh!tty to him.

If you can't discuss without hysterical projecting you're not going to be much help.

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 11-19-2016 at 08:10 PM.
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post #117 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
He owns 50% of the problems . She owns the affair 100%

He was in the same ****ty marriage and did not cheat .
Of course he didn't. He was getting all his needs met. His marriage seemed GREAT to him.
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post #118 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 08:27 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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He owns 50% of the problems . She owns the affair 100%

He was in the same ****ty marriage and did not cheat . You continue to want to make excuses for
Her
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Show me where I made any excuses for her. Did I not say that even though he was a crappy husband, that it still didn't give her the right to cheat?
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post #119 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 08:53 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Those of us bringing up the state of the marriage do so for a reason. So that if they do end up together, he'll be full aware of what needs to happen in this marriage going forward. Assuming she's fully contrite and deserves a second chance.
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post #120 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 11:24 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

[QUOTE=lifeistooshort;16912401]
Quote:
Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
Cheating aside??? Really?? So I guess you think he should just suck it up and it's just fine she decided to express her unhappiness by climbing in bed with another man?
There is no "cheating aside". It's called adultsry and a few of you seem to think it's a satisfactory remedy for not liking your marriage.

I'll bet that's comforting to OP.
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First of all, she didn't climb into bed with another man.

Try reading the original post.

She talked to some guy and had a round of phone sex with him. Not cool, but not much different from jerking it to a cam girl or phone sex line.

Would you be freaking out about that?

And I never said it was a satisfactory response, your triggering assigned that to me. If that's what I thought I would've said it.

I was responding to your comment that he was in the same sh!tty marriage by pointing out that we have no reason to think it was sh!tty to him.

If you can't discuss without hysterical projecting you're not going to be much help.
I like both of your arguments [@straightshooter, @lifeistooshort].
,

You both hold your ground well. You both punch from the shoulder, putting your upper mind-body weight into each blow.

Both of you are looking at the problem from all angles.

But here is where I draw the line: Men have binocular vision, can see and adjust for both near and far objects, adjust and scrutinize most any and all problems facing them.

Women also have binocular-vision and have the same forward vision to correct oncoming problems in front of themselves.

But after attaining majority, women "find" and open their God-Given Eyes in the back of their head.

This gives them an unfair advantage.

How so?

They see the past as clearly as the present and the future.

You cannot sneak up on them, hitting them with logic bombs. They REM Phase-Shift away.

This [look forward, look back] advantage could be construed as a built in visual "cheat" sheet.

And lastly, they cannot be pinned down, these majority-aged women.....since they are never really present..as in the present..they are tweeners, between yesterday and tomorrow. No man can land a victory blow on a misty miss, who flits as fast as a mouse click.

They remember every last bad thing "wee" men did in that past and when we focus on those "behind" days, these tweeners time-travel forward, soundly popping us in our "today eyes".

The Four-Eyed Ladies rudely awaken us anew.

Yea, I know....divorce, don't cheat is a thin sheet on a Queen sized bed.



God gave women pvssys and men hair-lips.

I hate losing what I do not have, what I wish I had..........









hope

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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