Wife wants to separate - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-20-2016, 04:55 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

OP just keep doing what you are doing. If she comes back to the marriage and wants to give it a second chance, then you can address the marital issues and your deficiencies later. Right now, protect yourself and stand your ground. You can acknowledge your faults, but not allow them to cloud what is happening at this moment. She is openly disrespecting you and that needs to stop or she need to leave.

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post #122 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 05:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to separate

She meets with her IC tonight, and I told her she needs to tell me what she plans to do after their meeting. All indications are that she will NOT leave the house. Therefore, she will be cutting off all contact with the OM. I will monitor the phone bill and FB/email until I can rebuild my trust with her...If she wants to stay in the house, then that is the deal...If at any point I determine they have been in contact, then she will have papers served and her stuff will be on the front porch...

I personally hope she decides to attend MC together, whether we end up separating in June or not. I think it would be beneficial to air everything out and be on the same page going forward. Like I've said, I accept all responsibility for my faults and for my part in us being where we are. She needs to do the same and we need to work together to either fix our marriage and be better because of all this, or to make our separation as amicable as possible.

I'll keep you updated after we talk tonight...
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post #123 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 05:58 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

[QUOTE=SunCMars;16912857]
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post

I like both of your arguments [@straightshooter, @lifeistooshort].
,

You both hold your ground well. You both punch from the shoulder, putting your upper mind-body weight into each blow.

Both of you are looking at the problem from all angles.

But here is where I draw the line: Men have binocular vision, can see and adjust for both near and far objects, adjust and scrutinize most any and all problems facing them.

Women also have binocular-vision and have the same forward vision to correct oncoming problems in front of themselves.

But after attaining majority, women "find" and open their God-Given Eyes in the back of their head.

This gives them an unfair advantage.

How so?

They see the past as clearly as the present and the future.

You cannot sneak up on them, hitting them with logic bombs. They REM Phase-Shift away.

This [look forward, look back] advantage could be construed as a built in visual "cheat" sheet.

And lastly, they cannot be pinned down, these majority-aged women.....since they are never really present..as in the present..they are tweeners, between yesterday and tomorrow. No man can land a victory blow on a misty miss, who flits as fast as a mouse click.

They remember every last bad thing "wee" men did in that past and when we focus on those "behind" days, these tweeners time-travel forward, soundly popping us in our "today eyes".

The Four-Eyed Ladies rudely awaken us anew.

Yea, I know....divorce, don't cheat is a thin sheet on a Queen sized bed.



God gave women pvssys and men hair-lips.

I hate losing what I do not have, what I wish I had..........









hope
Sounds like someone had a few special brownies

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post #124 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 08:55 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by kesta86 View Post
She meets with her IC tonight, and I told her she needs to tell me what she plans to do after their meeting. All indications are that she will NOT leave the house. Therefore, she will be cutting off all contact with the OM. I will monitor the phone bill and FB/email until I can rebuild my trust with her...If she wants to stay in the house, then that is the deal...If at any point I determine they have been in contact, then she will have papers served and her stuff will be on the front porch...

I personally hope she decides to attend MC together, whether we end up separating in June or not. I think it would be beneficial to air everything out and be on the same page going forward. Like I've said, I accept all responsibility for my faults and for my part in us being where we are. She needs to do the same and we need to work together to either fix our marriage and be better because of all this, or to make our separation as amicable as possible.

I'll keep you updated after we talk tonight...
Speaking as a lawyer here. Like most married couples your house is probably jointly owned. You can't just put her stuff on the front porch and kick her out. Nor could she do the same to you. Seek good legal counsel before you do anything. You could be putting yourself in very hot water.
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post #125 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 09:14 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

[QUOTE=xxxSHxYZxxx;16917297]
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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Sounds like someone had a few special brownies
There was actually a lot of insight in his words about the perspectives of how women see relationships in these times, men often forget the 360 view.

Of course, that is only an emerging perspective...

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 11-21-2016 at 09:21 AM. Reason: Mindful clarity...
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post #126 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-24-2016, 08:34 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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She was a bit taken aback. Wanted to know where this came from. I told it's what I should've said from the beginning, but I was scared and an emotional wreck. She's the one who cheated. If she wanted out so bad, she should've just filed the papers and left. She didn't and she needs to own it. I think she gets it now. She wants to separate, break up our family and leave me without trying, that's her prerogative. But I won't let her continue to cheat with the OM while we are both in our house. I don't care how much she tells me it's not about him...if it wasn't about him, she wouldn't have refriended him on FB and continued conversations. Balls in her court now...cut it off and make it through the Holidays/school year and still separate, continue to talk to him and leave OUR house immediately, or go to therapy and work through our issues. Therapy may lead to the same result of us separating, but I won't have her talking to the OM while we are in the same house. I own what I did to put us here, and I'm going to therapy and working on them. Up to her if she decides to work with me or leave..
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Continue on this course.
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post #127 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-24-2016, 09:13 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

OP, your wife can talk to whom ever she wants to. You can't control her. You can't claim adultery because she talks to another man. She doesn't have to leave the house until it is sold.


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post #128 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-24-2016, 09:52 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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OP, your wife can talk to whom ever she wants to. You can't control her. You can't claim adultery because she talks to another man. She doesn't have to leave the house until it is sold.

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Yes, this true.

And ~5000 years of civilization have brought us to this point.

Ain't it sweet?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #129 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

@kesta86, how are things going?

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #130 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 07:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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@kesta86, how are things going?
I told her she had until Tuesday to let me know what she decided...She unfriended him on FB on Monday afternoon and told me she wouldn't be speaking with him anymore...However, on Thursday (Thanksgiving day), we were sitting around after dinner and she happened to open her phone in front of me. She obviously forgot that she had left her web browser open on the phone and it was opened to a gmail account. I know she doesn't have a gmail account, and I saw emails between her and the OM...I couldn't see dates before she quickly closed the page...She tells me that they were all from before Monday, and I can't disprove it...She has promised to stop talking to him, at least until we figure everything out and officially separate/sell the house, etc. I find it nearly impossible to trust her when it comes to him. While there has been no physical relationship between them (He is in San Diego), she has admitted to talking about being together with him and sending pictures...

This week we both decided we needed space and to be away from each other. I've found it nearly impossible to not want to touch, hug, kiss her, etc. since this all started on 11/4...She asked for space then and I couldn't give it...It's been a month from hell and we both need to step back, rethink, reset and reassess. I'm staying at a friends house this week and we will "reconvene" on Friday night to see where we both stand...As of our last conversation (Sunday), the plan was to "fake" it through Christmas, talk logistics and everything in January (begin an in-house separation), inform parents, family, etc., and then look to begin the sale of the house, etc. She would be staying in the basement bedroom until everything is sorted out.

I still want to try and work this out...I still have that glimmer of hope. I'm hoping this week apart with ZERO contact (text, phone, face to face, etc.) will wake her out of this fog and make her realize what she's doing. Yes, she has disrespected me by "messing" around with the OM. Yes, she's lied about things. I can't change what has happened. The past is the past. I can only look forward, hope that she is open to my changes and hope that she is willing to work through all of this and come out better at the end of it. If she's not willing, then so be it. I can't force her to try. I just know that I love her unconditionally and despite what she's put us through these past 4 weeks, that hasn't changed. If she really wanted to leave so badly, she should've just filed the papers and been done with it. Instead, she chose to cheat and has created this mess of uncertainty, confusing, shock, and disbelief.

I will update you all after this weekend when we figure out where we all stand...

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post #131 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 07:30 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

You still want to work it out? Then expose the cheating to her VIPs.
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post #132 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 07:38 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Why? The affair is still ongoing.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #133 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 07:47 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Dude, rip the band-aid off, quit pulling a little bit at a time.

Move out, or make her move out. Get it all drawn up in a separation agreement.

Go out, get a tickets to the theatre - go see a Christmas Carol, or something like that. Go alone if you have to, check in on facebook.

Things will change very very quickly. She'll ask who you went with. You'll reply with "none of you're f'n business". Make her worry about what's going on in your world. If she doesn't, then there wasn't anything worth saving in the first place.

The only way this ends well for you, is if you kick her to the curb and let everyone know why. The only chance you have to be happy together, is for her to own her stuff here (as will you) and that isn't happening now. It's all your issues.

Think about it like you're in a snowball fight with a kid. Eventually, you need to make 2 snowballs, lob one high in the air and let them stare at it, while you take the second one and smoke them upside the head with it and remind them they're paying attention to the wrong thing.

You need to become that second snowball.
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post #134 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 07:50 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Why didn't you ask her to show you her phone, open the Gmail, right then and there?

Stop being afraid.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #135 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 08:51 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Why didn't you ask her to show you her phone, open the Gmail, right then and there?

Stop being afraid.
Yep, this. She is continuing contact, even going so far as to create a new email account. You can bet that during this time you've been apart, she has been in constant contact with him. If your in house separation is conditional on her having no contact with him, she needs to be 100% transparent with you. You need access to her phone at all times, her emails, Facebook and any other social media, bank accounts...all of it. Change in passcode on the phone, or on any other account, is grounds for immediate eviction from your home. I know you think you love her, but DO NOT TOLERATE this disrespect.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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