Wife wants to separate - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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Wife wants to separate

First time on this site, so let me give you all some background...

My wife and I have been together since we were 18. We met in June of 2005 and found out we were pregnant with our daughter in October. She was born in July of 2006 and we were married in May of 2007. I don't think we were madly in love at first, but over time, we both fell in love. We were blessed with a son in April of 2009 and things had been great...or so I thought...

My wife has always dealt with anxiety and depression. She had struggled with her weight her whole life and after the two kids, it only got worse. She eventually got up the courage to attend some IC for the depression etc. in 2013.

I am not an emotional person...I am very logical and rational. I like to be in control of the situation and know what is going on. We complemented each other well.

In 2014/2015 she began talking about gastric bypass surgery. I encouraged her towards it, as I thought it would benefit her health and her mental state. I am happy to say she has killed it and has lost nearly 125 lbs. in less than 2 years. She has felt more confident in herself and is starting to feel beautiful, which is great.

Over the last 3 years of her attending IC, she has asked me to attend with her on a few occasions. I always refused, stating my dislike of therapists and thought they were a waste of time. I was happy it was working for her, but didn't see the benefit of me attending. To be fair, we did have discussions over those 3 years about how she wasn't happy and I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. I didn't listen...I was stubborn and often changed for a few weeks and then reverted back. Eventually she just stopped talking to me about it and I (stupidly) assumed everything was fine.

About 2 weeks ago, I logged on to Facebook, thinking it was my profile. She had left herself logged in and I didn't notice. There were some messages with another guy that started off innocent enough, and then crossed the line. She started telling him that she felt butterflies around him, thought he was very attractive and even exchanged phone numbers so as to possible meet up for lunch behind my back. I was shocked and mortified...My wife is the most moral and trustworthy person I know. I couldn't believe she would do this...

I confronted her that evening and she didn't try to hide or deny it. She said she felt a deep connection with this guy (she had literally met him for 30 mins at our daughter's cheer practice the week before, and then spent 6 hours sending messages on FB). It didn't make sense to me. I agreed that we needed to attend counseling and said I would do whatever she needed me to do. I did ask her to text the guy and tell him that she had made a mistake and was going to work on things with me. She said that she would, that she needed some space and she'd like to sleep on the couch for the next few nights. I agreed.

The next morning I awoke early for work. She had also gotten up to take the dog out, so I asked her if she had messaged him. She told me she did and that he had said that he understood and it was fine. But something didn't feel right. My wife is a horrible liar and I could see right through it. I kept pressing and she confessed that she had sent him PG-13 pictures and he had reciprocated with R-rated pics. They had also spent 2 hours on the phone after I had gone to bed and had phone sex. This guy was only in town visiting family for a few days and has since gone back to California, where he is stationed in the military. She has told me on multiple occasions since, that it wasn't about him individually, but about how he made her feel. It made her realize that she hadn't been feeling that way towards me and gave her the confidence to do something about it.

I was devastated. We went to her IC together and she talked about how I hadn't been emotionally supportive, had been condescending and disrespectful to her feelings over the last years (all true). She said that she had been wrestling with these thoughts (leaving me) for the better part of the 3 years and that meeting this guy had given her the courage to speak up. I told her that I still wanted to make this work and just needed a chance to make these changes. I agreed to attend my own IC for these issues, as well as marriage counseling together. She has for space for 6 days before the marriage counseling appointment and I agreed I would do my best...

Well, my best sucked, to say the least. I was so broken and hurt that I badgered her with questions and discussions about us. I'm not used to dealing with emotions and I didn't know how to handle it. I did give her some space for the last 3 days, but it was too late.

At the marriage counseling session, she told me she wanted to separate. She said she had never felt so sure about a decision. We agreed to make it through the holidays for the kids and then figure everything out in January. The counselor encouraged me to continue seeing my IC to work on my issues and to do it for myself and not to save the marriage (easier said than done).

We are currently still living in our house together and sleeping in the same bed (King size, opposite sides). It is daily torture for me to see her and not be able to hold her, touch her, kiss her, tell her how sorry I am and how much I care. The kids know something is up, but we are going to be quiet for now. We agreed that in January, I would move out for a month for a "trial separation". At first she told me we could use this time to see if she missed me at all or if us being apart caused her to feel anything. Now, it's just to temper the kids into the idea. We have a house together and can't afford a mortgage and rent payment, so in February I would come back and we would start working on the logistics of the separation.

To be clear, I don't want to separate at all. I feel like she is throwing away 10 years of marriage, the house we worked so hard for and doing emotional harm to the kids, without even giving me a chance to change. I realize this has been a long time coming for her, but in my mind, this has all happened in 14 days. Three weeks ago, I had a wife, kids, etc. and everything was ok. Now my whole world has been torn down. I can't eat, I can barely sleep. She seems so at peace with this and so calm. To see her just sitting on the couch in the evening and knowing that she isn't feeling the pain and hurt I am, just causes me more pain.

I don't know what to do. I have realized that begging, pleading and whining isn't going to get her back. She has told me that she is open to me changing, but that it probably won't change anything. I'm scared...I've never been with anyone else, never been single...I'm scared for my kids...I scared for my wife. I don't want to throw this all away and then have her realize this was a mistake in 10 months when the damage has been done. I will love her until the day I die and right now, I'd take her back no matter what, at anytime...

I really don't know what to do. I'm not worried about her continuing the brief affair, but I feel like she has already given up. My theory is that she is feeling more confident in her new body (2 years post Gastric Bypass) and this guy that she feels wouldn't have given her two looks 5 years ago was now attracted to her. She sent pictures of her body and he wasn't replused, like she thought he would be. She know wants to see if other guys that wouldn't have found her attractive pre-surgery will, and could make her happier than I have. This kills me, since I thought she was beautiful before and after, and have been there for her...

How do I save my marriage? Do I start the 180 plan? I really want this marriage to work, but I can't seem needy or pathetic. I'm scared of the unknown and scared for my family....

Sorry for the long post and major rant....

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post #2 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 10:16 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

She wants to separate to pursue the affair. Do not do it.

You will be enabling her to try this other guy out with you being her safety net. Think about that. How does that make you feel?

Your shortcomings contributed to the stress of your marriage, sure. Her choice to cheat in order to deal with it is her fault completely.

If it were me, I would tell her no to the separation. Work together for the marriage with 100% no contact with the AP, or divorce.

Love yourself enough to not tolerate living in limbo.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #3 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 10:17 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

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Originally Posted by kesta86 View Post
How do I save my marriage? Do I start the 180 plan? I really want this marriage to work, but I can't seem needy or pathetic. I'm scared of the unknown and scared for my family....
Here's the thing. You can't actively save your marriage. It's a two way street. What you can do is save yourself. That is what the 180 does. It helps you detach, it helps you work on yourself, turn yourself into a better person...for you. It help remove codependence and neediness. What it doesn't do is directly affect your wife so she wants you. Maybe you working on yourself and needing her less wakes her up out of the fog. Maybe it doesn't. Either way, you have focused on you, worked towards a better you and either you are better prepared to move on, or she changes her tune and you are both better to move to the future.
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post #4 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 10:18 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Compliments of @morituri.

"I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them."

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #5 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 10:25 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Trial separation is a trial run with OM. Do not allow it. Do not pay the pick me game.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #6 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 10:35 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Make her move out if she wants a trial run. Get your ducks in row, cancel all shared credit cards. Get the bulk of your cash out of accounts that she can easily deplete. If she wants to be single, then give her a preview of how life will be without you.

Start hitting the gym 5x a week lifting heavy, eating healthy, and drinking only water. Keep going to IC. Time to work on yourself, making you the best you've ever been. You can't change how she feels. Sounds like she checked out a while ago and isn't coming back.
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post #7 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 11:04 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

This is an exit affair for her. She's been trying to communicate to you for three years that your marriage is in trouble, and you refused to go with her to counseling and you basically ignored all the warning flares she was sending up.

This didn't happen in 14 days. This happened over the course of three years while you were ignoring or turning a blind eye to her TELLING you that the marriage was in trouble. This isn't about her being thin now and being able to get guys she couldn't dream of getting before. It's because she was feeling neglected, unheard, and ignored.

I think she's done. I think she's already made up her mind. As the only female poster on this thread thus far, I can tell you that women will put up with a lot of sh*t from their [male] partner before they close the door for good. But when they DO decide to close that door, it's because they've already decided never to open it again because they're tired of being hurt by a man to whom they've given countless opportunities. And it sounds like she has given you a lot of opportunities to change and fix things, opportunities that you have squandered.

I'm not casting blame here. But there are two sides to every story, and everyone always throws blame at the cheater and bestows sainthood on the betrayed spouse, and that bothers me. No, you didn't deserve to be cheated on. But she also didn't deserve the sh*tty treatment she got from her husband. You are both in the wrong.

If she wants to leave, let her leave. But if she wants to separate, she has to be the one to move out. Then follow the other posters' advice here about doing the 180. Give her what she wants. If she wants out of the marriage, let her go and focus on yourself. Focus on becoming a better person, a better father, and a better partner, and in that process, you'll realize that you can survive--and even be happy--without her. She may come back, she may not. But that's not why you do the 180--you do the 180 to take care of YOU. But if you want her to come back, you're going to need to grow into a better, permanent version of yourself. Once a woman has decided the close the door, it takes a Herculean effort for it to be re-opened.

Good luck. Learn and grown from your mistakes.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

Last edited by FeministInPink; 11-16-2016 at 01:27 PM.
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post #8 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
She wants to separate to pursue the affair. Do not do it.

You will be enabling her to try this other guy out with you being her safety net. Think about that. How does that make you feel?

Your shortcomings contributed to the stress of your marriage, sure. Her choice to cheat in order to deal with it is her fault completely.

If it were me, I would tell her no to the separation. Work together for the marriage with 100% no contact with the AP, or divorce.

Love yourself enough to not tolerate living in limbo.

Let her separate!


Why, I think you should be magnanimous. Even to the point of helping her look for a flat/appartment and even suggesting decor for her new one bedroom abode.

Oh! That's not her plan? She thinks you should move out?

How about... no? Or even hell, no!?

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #9 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 11:27 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Nice FIP... very succinct.
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post #10 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate,

Oh sweetheart....

I feel like I am reading my ex husband writing this, minus the affair part.
It is so hard once one spouse (in our case it was me) is "done" and has given up.
We have account of all the times we begged for you to see us, to hear us, to try, and you assumed we would never leave.
Then one day, we run out of what it takes to stay, and it many times is very final.

Of course I can't speak for her, but it is all too familiar of a story for me to read because I lived it. I do agree, if she wants out, she should leave, not you. Better yet try an inhouse séparation first. If she won't stop communicating with th OM then it probably won't matter...but if she would agree to set him on a shelf for 30-60 days and give your marriage one more try, you may have a shot.

I am so sorry you are here. I'm sorry for all of you. I hate how easy the internet and texting makes destroying marriage so simple. What a sad state for the family unit...I'm over 3 years post divorce and had a good cry just this AM about my regrets and what divorce puts my babies through and continues to do so.

I hope you have a happier ending. Love is supposed to conquer all, but sometimes it doesn't, but I hope it can in your case.


Ciao,

Spicy
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post #11 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 11:54 AM Thread Starter
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She has already told me she has cut off communication with the OM and that it wasn't about him specifically. It was about the feeling she had with him and that she didn't have that with me and hadn't for a long time. It gave her the confidence to speak up and finally say she was done. I feel so stupid that I was so blind and deaf for so long.

An in-house separation is on the table. I said I would sleep in the basement while we figure out how to sell our home, etc. I just don't know that it's going to help or that she is going to be willing to give it another try, regardless. I guess all I can do is stop acting like a lost puppy, stop following her around or trying to win her back. I need to make changes and do it for me, while hoping she realizes what she's doing. This sucks....
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post #12 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 11:56 AM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

She has lied to you in the past she may still be lying to you now...i recommend that you instill 180 on her and you stay with it, also start taking time for you, join a gym, but what ever you do, you do for you not for her. And one more thing...no begging at all.
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post #13 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 02:03 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Quote:
Originally Posted by kesta86 View Post
. I guess all I can do is stop acting like a lost puppy, stop following her around or trying to win her back. I need to make changes and do it for me, while hoping she realizes what she's doing. This sucks....
Excellent plan.

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― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #14 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 07:06 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

Sorry you are here but it is not as if you didnt have a part to play. She should not have cheated but she was trying to get your attention, you even admit it and want to back track when the chips are down. This is something I can never understand about guys. The wife tells them over and over the marriage is in trouble but they prefer to stick their head in the sand.

Read this Walk Away Women and The Devastated Men Who Love Them | YourTango

Now you have to do some things that might (might not) win her back, they seem counter intuitive but do them. At the moment, she cheated, feels justified as you didn't listen to her and is expecting you to wait around while she makes a decision, that is not on. If she wants you physically gone, she is the one who cheated so she should move out, not you.

1. no begging pleading
2. go to IC for yourself, become a better man for yourself
3. Do the 180 hard, act as if you believe that she wants to move on, no emotions, no affection, give her what she wants, only discuss finances and the kids
4. tell family and friends what has happened - her cheating/EA - expose it, you have nothing to be ashamed about
5. Go see a lawyer and see what your options are and what needs to be done
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post #15 of 138 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 08:41 PM
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Re: Wife wants to separate

I see nothing to gain by leaving for a month. I recommend working on a separation agreement, child support, visitation, financial support, etc. While you are still in the home, I recommending you taking the kids and doing things together without her to get them use the change, while doing fun things. She wants separation to explore her single side, while you continue to pay the bills. Do not beg or plead it only makes you look weak and very unattractive. This is also a good time to take an inventory of things that you would do different if given another chance. This will be helpful to either this relationship or the next.
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