I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share... - Talk About Marriage
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  • 5 Post By GuyInColorado
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

My husband is a firefighter.. always working.. when home disengaged from our family. He likes to do what he wants to do (watch tv, drink beer (lots of it), and work on projects). I have worked part time and from home to raise my children. I am always the one to read them stories, put them to bed, get them dressed, plan childcare and special activities, prepare and plan meals, etc… Now my husband wants a divorce and he wants them every other weekend and two days a week. Which isn't that bad I guess but I can't imagine letting them go for even one night. I have always been the one there for them. They haven't even noticed that Daddy doesn't live here anymore. They will have a huge adjustment when he starts taking them away to his house when he gets an apartment (he is staying with a friend right now). I know legally and morally I can't take them away from their Daddy.. He drinks a lot, has a temper, and is on some medication that makes him sleep hard and sleep walk.. So I am afraid for their safety when they begin staying with him overnight. I am also afraid for their souls - they always want their mommy. My kids are only 5 and 3 years old. I feel like all I can do is pray pray pray. And prayer helps. The Lord is the only reason I am surviving this.

My question is to all of you Mommies out there.. How did you learn to cope with being without your babies? Does it ever get better?

I just feel like I have lost control of my whole life and its all crumbling down in front of me… I think I can survive loosing the man (actually more relaxed since he is gone) but I don't know how I'll survive loosing control of my babies. Prayers please. And please only constructive replies.. I am on the edge here.

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 02:49 PM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

He either wants his kids to spend time with them or he wants them more so he has to pay less in child support. You need to get an attorney and see what s/he recommends. You can definitely fight him for full custody, with him having every other weekend. The more you fight, the more it costs with attorneys.

Time to get in fight mode and get an attorney ASAP. Make sure you cancel any shared credit so he can't ring up $40k of debt and make you liable for half of it.

Divorce isn't the end of the world. It sucks with small kids, I just went through it with a 4yr and 6yr old. It's bittersweet. You miss them when you don't have them but you get some alone time to have fun when your H has them. If he's a great dad, then that makes it all better. If he's not a good dad, then I could see how this will be hard. When you do have them, you spend more quality time with the kids. Might be different for the mom, but this is how I see it as a dad. You're soon going to start dating again and realize how much better life is when you find a partner that actually loves you.

Good luck.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 03:13 PM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MomOf2Tots29 View Post
My question is to all of you Mommies out there.. How did you learn to cope with being without your babies? Does it ever get better?

I just feel like I have lost control of my whole life and its all crumbling down in front of me… I think I can survive loosing the man (actually more relaxed since he is gone) but I don't know how I'll survive loosing control of my babies. Prayers please. And please only constructive replies.. I am on the edge here.
I'm not a mommy just a daddy, but I would never willingly relinquish control of my children if they're 5 and 3. Especially if there is any chance of physical or emotional harm.

First, let's get a lawyer so that you wouldn't need to cope with being without your babies before they grow up.

I'm powerless to help you but I will definitely pray for you. God bless.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 08:32 AM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

MomOfTwo,

I concerned about your H and the children, but I am even more concerned with what kind of people your H will be exposing your children to.

You do need to try to legally prevent contact with your H girlfriends and etc.

I'm sorry this happened to you but you need to keep sane so your children have one functional parent.

Tamat
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 10:03 AM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

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Originally Posted by MomOf2Tots29 View Post
My husband is a firefighter.. always working.. when home disengaged from our family. He likes to do what he wants to do (watch tv, drink beer (lots of it), and work on projects). I have worked part time and from home to raise my children. I am always the one to read them stories, put them to bed, get them dressed, plan childcare and special activities, prepare and plan meals, etc… Now my husband wants a divorce and he wants them every other weekend and two days a week. Which isn't that bad I guess but I can't imagine letting them go for even one night. I have always been the one there for them. They haven't even noticed that Daddy doesn't live here anymore. They will have a huge adjustment when he starts taking them away to his house when he gets an apartment (he is staying with a friend right now). I know legally and morally I can't take them away from their Daddy.. He drinks a lot, has a temper, and is on some medication that makes him sleep hard and sleep walk.. So I am afraid for their safety when they begin staying with him overnight. I am also afraid for their souls - they always want their mommy. My kids are only 5 and 3 years old. I feel like all I can do is pray pray pray. And prayer helps. The Lord is the only reason I am surviving this.

My question is to all of you Mommies out there.. How did you learn to cope with being without your babies? Does it ever get better?

I just feel like I have lost control of my whole life and its all crumbling down in front of me… I think I can survive loosing the man (actually more relaxed since he is gone) but I don't know how I'll survive loosing control of my babies. Prayers please. And please only constructive replies.. I am on the edge here.
First of all, you need to be a person first, and mother second. Children are not something you control, they are something you nurture. If being without your children for a day or two has you as undone as you are coming across, I think maybe you need some counselling to help stabilize you. Did you ever hire a babysitter and be without your children for a time? Would the children have ever stayed with grandparents for a weekend while you did something else? You need to get over this separation anxiety.

That said, in the bolded statements above, I'm not sure your ex would make a good single parent. Firefighters work weird shifts. How does he plan to deal with the children when he has to work? Add drinking and anger problems to that, and you may have a case for having more than 50% parenting time. Do you have any documentation to support that case in court though?
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 09:40 PM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

My husband and I divorced and like you, I had been the main parent and did all the care giving. I too could not imagine my ex taking care of the kids and well, he didn't. He would get them and then take them to his mom's house and I would later hear about how they arrived without diapers or without breakfast. When he started dating I realized the only person who was going to care for my children was her and I befriended her. She was the one that cared for them, it was never him. Does it get easier? Yes. Does it make you mad when he demands visitation and then dumps them on Gma? Sure. The girls saw it all. They learned who was there for them and who was not. We don't want our children to be hurt and it hurts us to see them in tears when daddy didn't follow thru with a promise. Be there for them and do not tear your ex down to them. He will always be their father whether he's a good dad or not. You will survive this!
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 12:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

Thank you AVR1962. Its good to hear it gets better. I will say a prayer for you and your girls
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 12:30 PM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

Have you been to a lawyer yet?

fwiw, it is HIGHLY unlikely that he will KEEP the kids 3 to 4 days a week. He's just doing that so he doesn't have to pay you. His friend or his girlfriend probably coached him on that.

You have a couple choices - agree to that much and get lower child support and he'll stop picking them up after a month or two, or get your lawyer to fight it and push it back down to weekends, and keep the higher child support. The issue is that you've never worked a permanent full time job since you had kids, so you're going to have to find some way to PAY for their upbringing. And you can NOT depend on him to provide any extra money in the future; it will only get harder to get him to help out, the longer he's away.

Last edited by turnera; 12-05-2016 at 12:37 PM.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 01:49 PM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

Talk to protective services about the drinking and meds you stbxh is taking. let them know your concerns about them.

Go for full custody. Their dad can see them but you need to protect them.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 03:35 PM
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Cool Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ABHale View Post
Talk to protective services about the drinking and meds you stbxh is taking. let them know your concerns about them.

Go for full custody. Their dad can see them but you need to protect them.
Have your attorney ask for your H to have mandatory drug and alcohol tests. Provided that the attorney's argument before the Court is compelling enough(which it preeminently should be), your H could be tested by an independent testing consultant post haste to keep the major residuals of any of the alcohol and drugs that are already in his system from drying up!

IMHO, given your side of the story, "full custody" would be the only way to go!



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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 04:58 AM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

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First of all, you need to be a person first, and mother second. Children are not something you control, they are something you nurture. If being without your children for a day or two has you as undone as you are coming across, I think maybe you need some counselling to help stabilize you. Did you ever hire a babysitter and be without your children for a time? Would the children have ever stayed with grandparents for a weekend while you did something else? You need to get over this separation anxiety.

That said, in the bolded statements above, I'm not sure your ex would make a good single parent. Firefighters work weird shifts. How does he plan to deal with the children when he has to work? Add drinking and anger problems to that, and you may have a case for having more than 50% parenting time. Do you have any documentation to support that case in court though?
I'm not sure if you have children and have been their primary caretaker, but you sure sound unempathetic. What she is going through is not easy and she has the right to feel a bit undone. No one that had children in a marriage did so expecting to only see them part time, specially at her children's ages. Having a babysitter or leaving the kids with a relative does not even closely compare to having the reality of your life turned upside down by having to "share" your children with whom yourself believed would be your partner for life.

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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 07:14 AM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

So if he works all the time, who will be watching the kids? You might consider asking for right-of-first refusal in any custody arrangement so that if the kids will be with anyone other than him, you get the right to keep them first, before they go to a sitter or other family member. If he's using a sitter, suggest it as a way to save childcare expenses.

I don't think he's thought the custody issue through, which is why so many are suggesting you get an attorney involved. Your kids are young and you are not ready to let go, and that is totally understandable. It hurts.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 10:22 AM
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Re: I've raised my kids -now divorce is making me share...

You need to get into fight mode, dont just sit back and let him dictate how this is going to go. Do you honestly see him taking those kids that often, when so far in their whole lives, he has basically ignored them and had nothing to do with their care?? I dont see it happening. Firefighters work odd hours, how will he arrange for care when he has to work? He has no clue what raising his own children is like. You have a very good chance to get full custody, between his drinking problem and his odd hours. He may follow a custody arrangement for a while, but after some time passes, I can almost guarantee you that it will drop off.

Dont just sit there. Fight for your kids.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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