Crimsyn

My husband and I are both 26. We met (online) when we were just 13. Started talking and eventually dating long distance. We met when we were 15 and continued to do so during summers and holiday breaks until we were 19 in which he moved in with me. And in 2009 we got married after 9 years of being together.

Our marriage was beautiful & exciting but shortly after we both seem frustrated with each other. I must also admit that when we first started dating we promised each other to wait to have sex until marriage. We never knew exactly why we made this promise -- it wasn't due to religion. But after we were married and knew we finally COULD have sex... we rarely did. It was mainly my fault. He always wanted me. But for some reason I cringed at the thought of sex with him. I loved him & thought he was gorgeous. And when we did have sex it was pretty amazing. So I'm still not sure what the problem was... I will admit though during sex sometimes, I would think of really terrible things without wanting to. One example is of my mom's death. And of course, this would ruin it for me. This happened quite a bit. To the point where I didn't even want to try to have sex. And eventually... we stopped all together. :|

Earlier this year, both of us frustrated with our jobs and the city we lived in, decided to move 2,300 miles across the country in hope for a change of scenery. And a place and opportunity for us to grow. Well, we grew all right. More so apart than anything. We had our own lives and own friends... and stopped spending time with each other.

Friends of ours started to have problems in their marriage. And this caused us to think about ours. We came to agreement that we both seemed to have lost connection with one another. I was always trying to change him (never knew why... I think it had to do with the fact I hated myself and was afraid to change myself so I reflected it onto him) and he sometimes didn't give me the attention when I needed it the most.

I felt that maybe a little space would do us some good -- allow us to think. I went away for the weekend and when I came back he pretty much said he didn't miss me much & he thinks a divorce is our best opinion. (We discussed this prior to my weekend away but decided to hold off on making a decision) Me, being the stubborn and hardheaded person that I am, told him I felt the same. I lied.

The next few weeks were hell for me. But I never showed it. He found comfort in a female friend of his. (Didn't cheat... but she showed him affection & listened to him and getting that from another woman seemed to have comforted him.) And I found comfort in a male friend. He gave me the attention I wanted as well.

After about a month or so after deciding to separate, I cheated on him with one of our friends (the one who was having marriage issues of his own). :( At the time, it was thrilling & boosted my confidence. It happened a couple of times. The thing is though that I didn't feel guilty when doing it. And after the act occurred -- it never happened. We could hang out with each other and just be friends. Not feel awkward at all... even when in groups. It was very strange.

Well, needless to say my husband found out. Was extremely angry for a couple of days. I, too, was angry. At myself... the guilt I was not feeling at the time hit me like a ton of bricks. I hurt him. And not only that... but his family, my family, and our friends. But after a couple of days, he started to be nice to me. He was definitely hurting, I could tell. But he knew how deep down sorry I was. How I was fighting with myself. Trying to understand why I did what I did. I felt disgusted & angry. And he comforted me. For a week we slept in the same bed. He snuggled me and held me. And touched me & even almost had sex with me. Was very confusing for me.

Two weeks ago I left to go back home for the holidays. It was tough being away from him. I tried hard to give him space but after a week... I was falling apart. I cried every night. I would call him late at night and he would listen to me for hours. We had some deep conversations and in one I confessed that I still loved him. And I feel like I always will.

We always thought as each others soulmate. Were always in love. I'm not sure what happened to us exactly... but during our talk he told me for the past year he has resented me. I treated him badly. Always wanting to change him. I don't know why I did what I did. I do very much love him & I will never forgive myself for the way I treated him... and the ugly things I've done... I ruined our future together and that kills me. :( Very much. I'm struggling every day with that fact.

We are still living together. Our lease runs up in two months and that's when we will separate. I need some major advice on how to proceed from here... I want to beg for him back. I really do. But I don't want to anger him and force him away from me. I'd rather have his friendship then never seeing him again. :(

I'm young and so confused. He was my first and only love. And I his. I'm seeking counseling because I desperately need it. I'm so completely lost.... I just wish I could have him back. Because this whole ordeal of mine made me realize how much he means to me. (I know... stupid that we often learn AFTER the mistake was committed)... I miss him. I want him. I know that if we gave it another shot I could be the wife that I once was. And better. Because during all of this mess.... I managed to fall back in love with him. And that's whats making this so much more difficult for me. I don't know what to do. :(

TroubldHusband

This last paragraph of yours almost describes me exactly.

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. Actually our stories sound very similar just opposite sexes.

My wife and I have been together since we were 14, got married at 18, and I just turned 27 and she's going to be 27 in January. We've currently been separated for 2 months and it's been an absolutely terrible roller-coaster ride since day 1.

I begged and pleaded with her to come back home and work on fixing our marriage because I truly do believe that we are meant for each other and can spend the rest of our lives together. I now see this was entirely the wrong way to go about things. I've focused on doing the 180 and I'm currently concentrating on myself and my own demons. I need to be happy with my own life and headed in a positive direction before I can even think about working things out with her and having a happy, lasting marriage. The 180 truly does work. In the short week or so I've been doing it, I feel much better about myself and my ability to continue living my life without my wife, and at the same time, I think my wife has also noticed some of the changes in me. I'm also seeking counseling to try and work through some of my own issues.

I think that you going to counseling is a step in the right direction. Like my situation, I think you need to concentrate on yourself right now and then worry about working things out with your husband. The changes in yourself will definitely be noticed by him. Everything else will fall into place as you become happier with yourself. Don't push, and let things take their time. Patience is definitely key. I think love is a beautiful thing to have faith in, so maintain your faith in that love and good luck to you! I hope things work out for you and your husband!

Crimsyn

Thank you so much, TH. I actually read your threads prior to writing mine. I noticed some similarities as well. I remember reading a little about your childhood and the way your family and parents acted with their spouses. I, too, always wondered if that had something to do with my marriage and the way I treated my husband. My mother was very mistreated by all her boyfriends and never married. I pledged to myself that I would never get married. Of course that all changed when I met HIM. But I do think that I inherited my mother's strength and stubbornness. I created a wall of sorts to prevent myself from ever getting hurt. Or at the very least not SHOWING that I am hurt. This definitely affected my marriage. I wish I had known then how serious this was.

You are right about how important space is right now. And how we both need to fix & better ourselves. I know this deep down. But I also fear that if I move on... and stop trying, that he will grow further apart from me and realize he really doesn't want me. :| This is my fear. I'm still having trouble understanding how he could fall out of love with me (he said this before I cheated)... so I'm struggling with that. I know he's struggling as well. He tries to not show it but he lets it slip every once in awhile. I suppose it's comforting to know (to some degree) that this isn't exactly cake for him. And that our entire marriage wasn't a disaster and that I am important enough to him to miss. :|

But I know with all my begging and crap... I will just push him away. So you are right -- I do need to give him space. This is what my sisters have been telling me. It's just SO hard. Especially since we live together. (I'm unable to move asap because of financial troubles... but working on it) I just can't imagine life with out him. And I'm not sure what I would do if he fell in love with someone else... it's terrifying.

Thank you so much for your reply and advice, TH. I can't tell you how comforting it is to know someone that is going through similar circumstances. Two months so far for you, huh? How have you been coping?

Shaggy

Since you have a history of denying him sex, but quickly slept wth a friend after separating,he's going to feel betrayed deeply, more deeply than just a ONS.

If you have any hope of beng with him, you've got to help him deal with the humiliation, rejection, betrayal anger and hate he feels from this.

Maybe therapy, but it's a lot of work, it may not work, he may be so far hurt that even if he can stay on the short term, his feeling will leave hm a shell with you around,
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TroubldHusband

Well... not too well up until the past couple weeks. My wife moved out to her mom's second house with our daughters, so I'm left with our condo that has all our pictures, mementos, still lots of her clothes, and all our memories together. I sleep on the couch most nights rather than the bed that we slept in together for 10 years... It's been a rough couple months to say the least.

For the first 5 or 6 weeks it was all about begging and pleading, and apologizing, but I finally realized I have a better chance at getting her to come back by showing her the changes, showing her I love her by respecting her decision, and ultimately becoming a better person myself. I think her seeing me as a confident, happy person without her will go a long way in making her find me attractive to be around again.

Finding this site has made a huge difference as well. Reading the reconciliation board with the successful reconciliations has given me hope, knowing people have come back and made it work together after even more than what she and I are going through.

So basically at this point I'm working on me and concentrating on me. It still hurts, and I cope by working out, or hanging with friends and family. The scariest thing is knowing she's the only woman I've ever loved and possibly having to start over with someone else. We've been together since we were 14 (asked her to the 8th grade graduation dance and been together since) and I am scared I won't know how to love someone else. It's a terrible feeling to deal with.

I've also gotten back in touch with a couple old friends from my hockey team in highschool that I lost touch with and that has been great as I was very close with some of these people and lost touch because I graduated and they had a year or two left or whatever.

I'd say keeping busy is the best way to handle it. It's what I try to do. I know I can't ALWAYS keep busy, but I try to as much as possible. At this point my wife is completely in control (and my past actions and the way I was acting, and treating her) have put her in that position. I'm dead-set on changing back to the person she fell in love with before the booze and the anger and other issues, because I know I wasn't always that way, and can be a good husband and person again. Every day gets better and better, every day I feel better and better. Jump on youtube and listen to the song by Sara Evans "A little Bit Stronger" when you get a chance. Very uplifting song and has helped me be strong for myself, my wife, and my daughters. It helps give me the drive to move on with my life and leave the person I used to be in the past and work on becoming the person I want to be.

It's hard, though, because I know I probably don't deserve her forgiveness or for her to come back for the way I've treated her in the past and the way I've behaved. It's why I'm so dead-set on changing to never hurt her, or anyone else I care about ever again. Even if we don't reconcile, I would never want to make the same mistakes with someone else and hurt them they way I've hurt her. I just decided it's time for some serious changes on my part. I have faith in her to make the right decision, and I will respect that decision whatever it may be. I may not like it, but I have to respect it. Faith in her, faith in our love, faith in the years we spent together and the memories we shared, and faith in God has helped tremendously. Never lose faith or hope.

TroubldHusband

Shaggy is right about this. I think those underlying reasons on why you denied him sex (like the bad thoughts etc.) are something you need to address yourself, and then try to help him understand that you had these issues and it wasn't anything he did. (ego is a big deal with guys and chances are his ego has been squashed by your actions) both the denial of sex to him, as well as the quick sexual encounter after your separation.

Therapy/counseling for yourself, and then joint sessions could probably help with it, but as Shaggy said, plan on lots of work with no guarantees. It's something I'm just starting to understand myself after 2 months, that no matter how much I do to fix myself and my issues and the hurts I've caused, it may not be enough and there is no guarantee that we will ever work it out.

Crimsyn

You are absolutely right. :\ He pretty much told me this himself in his own words... I can't believe I've done this to him. :| I would've never wanted to cause him to feel anger or betrayal.

I've suggested him to take counseling. Not to fix our marriage but simply to help him through this. I can not imagine what he must be feeling. I, in no way, want him to feel unlovable. Or that he somehow caused this.

Crimsyn

TH: I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I can't imagine going through this and also having kids involved. You are definitely a strong individual. It's tough to let go... and to focus all your time and energy on yourself. It's encouraging. And it's funny that you mention about staying busy. That is what my husband seems to be doing. Although, it's a little harder for me. Like I mentioned earlier, we moved to the opposite side of the country. I have barely any friends here. And I've been so disgusted with myself lately that social settings make me feel very uncomfortable. As if I'm not worthy enough to have friends. :| I just started a new job though and so far the people are extremely nice. I hope to build friendships with some of them. I'm also looking for another job, preferably a night job because the nights at home are too hard for me. Keeping busy is important. I just don't want to be TOO busy where I don't have any time to reflect. Does that make sense? :\

And I'm glad to know that you think she has noticed the positive changes in you. That's great! I hope the same for me as well. Keep at it. I hope maybe we can both be motivators for the other? Please keep me in touch & updated on your marriage and how you are doing. I do hope the best for you AND your marriage. I applaud you, I really do.

I've mentioned this to him before but never REALLY talked about it. He always thought I wasn't attracted to him... and in some way, I feared the same thing. Worried if I was still sexually attracted to him. But I know now that isn't true. I'm very much still attracted to him. More so now than I have been in a long time. (very weird & it's been hell too) -- but you are right. I do need to reinforce that it was NOT him. That he done nothing wrong.

I've thought about how it was so easy for me to have sex with someone else... and not have those weird thoughts that I would when having sex with my husband. I've realized... during the "affair" -- I totally was out of my body if that makes sense. I was there for some type of physical contact and me mentally did not exist. Weird, I know... and very unhealthy. But I wonder if that's why I was able to. Because I was never really there mentally. (I have this thing where I am always trying to think of reasons of why I do things... I hate not knowing... I want to understand my actions so I'm able to fix them and prevent them of happening again)

morituri

Crimsyn your husband is probably going through an internal struggle, fight or flight. On the one hand there is the side that loves you, despite your betrayal, and wants to continue being with you (fight). And then there is the side of him that is telling him that you are beyond redemption, to cut his losses and move on with his life (flight).

Your best bet as far as him not losing all contact with you, even if the two of you get divorced, is to tell him that his healing is more important to you than the marriage. That if divorce will help him heal, that you'll help him expedite it - and mean it. Humbly ask him to go with you to your IC sessions so that the two of you can find out the reasons why you chose to become sexually close to him and why you gave yourself permission to have sex with another man - he probably would like to find out the reasons as well. These two things are actions which will speak to him louder than any words of contrition on your part.

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"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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Crimsyn

You know... I have really been thinking about this lately. I want nothing more than for him to be happy. I really do. A part of me though thinks he is thinking very harshly. He suggested a divorce even before I cheated. Things weren't even THAT bad... and when I say that I mean it could have easily been fixed if we had gotten professional help, I really do believe this. That is what confuses me. How he could give up so easily? And not even try.

I would love for him to go to counseling sessions with me, I really would. Even if it weren't to FIX our marriage... to at least understand what led us to this point. What we both could do better in our next relationship, you know. I would love for him to do that for us. For him.

I do want him to be happy. More so than anything. He has not fully expressed his feelings towards me... not even his anger. He's been very civil. But I feel as though he's just dealing with me until we move out and live separately. We do get along though and are able to talk. This confuses me. I just wish I knew what he is feeling? And what he wants. I try not to talk about it much with him so he doesn't have to relive it... and think about it because it will just make him angry. But I think we NEED to talk about it. :|

TroubldHusband

Yes, eventually you do need to talk about it. Be patient about this, though. My best friend had a very good point about this. It took me about 6 weeks and my best friend beating it into my head to understand that no matter how much I want to talk about it, I will get nowhere until she wants to talk about it. She could want to talk about it with all her heart, but until she feels comfortable bringing it up and initiating the conversation she will continue to shut down and not talk about it, very simply because I brought it up, and she wants to be in control of the situation. My wife and I can talk and laugh together and tell each other about our day right now without an issue, it's the hurt and pain caused by bringing up the bad stuff and the relationship problems and unhappiness that causes her to shut down. She wants to be happy right now, so do I, and we want that for each other, which is why she doesn't want to talk about unhappy things. That's why at this point I've left her alone about "us". I want to have enjoyable conversations with her so she can see that I can be different person and so she can see that that we can still enjoy each others' company. I also don't talk to her unless absolutely necessary for the kids at this point, which is giving her the time to forgive, forget, and heal. The 180 method seems to be working well at this stage and I've only been utilizing it for like a week... It's all related to her natural reaction to the changes in myself and improvements in myself that the 180 method brings about.

I feel like this is exactly the same situation with you. He's hurting, and trying to think about and deal with all the pain/hurt/betrayal that your actions have caused and until he's ready, you will be hard-pressed to get anything out of him. I would give it time and be patient. If you have to talk to him, talk about things that you enjoy. Be cheerful and happy as much as you don't want to be. Read that 180 method and apply it. Even if you two end up divorced it will definitely help you in any relationship/s in your future IMO.

Healing is a long drawn out process, whether it's physical or emotional, and it's something we absolutely must be patient with. No one heals overnight.

morituri

Confusing? Your husband's love for you is not something that he can simply turn on and off like a light switch. Despite the intense pain that he has experienced, he also saw your pain and felt compassion for you.

For you things weren't that bad but for him, your sexual rejection felt like you no longer loved or cared for him. If I may be so bold to say this - feel free to correct me if I'm wrong - you have never felt what it is like to be sexually rejected as a woman. Now imagine for a minute that the roles were reversed and it was he who had rejected you sexually throughout the marriage and after the two of you separated he had no problems with having sex with another woman a few times and without any remorse or guilt at the time he did it. How would that made you feel? The more you put yourself in his shoes you will see that he had reached a point that he was thinking that it would be best to let you go so that you could find another man that you were sexually attracted to. It is sad but it is true.

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"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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Crimsyn

In reply to Morituri:
You are absolutely right. :( I have never been sexually neglected or declined by him. I suppose I never thought of it like that... I would definitely be hurt & probably even feel unloved. I know he's hurting & is also angry... he tries really hard to not show it but I know it's there. I wish he would open up to me and express his emotions and anger. But he refuses to. I suppose partly because he doesn't want to hurt me... and partly because he just wants to forget it? I am trying to encourage him to see a counselor. I pray he does. He just needs to talk to someone & not hold it all in.

In reply to TroubledHusband:
I have thought about what you've said so much today. There is so much truth in it -- and it's the same thing my sisters has been trying to get into my head. It's definitely difficult. But I can see now so many positives that will come out of it. My husband & I are the same as you two. We are able to talk and laugh to some degree but the moment anything serious about our relationship comes up... he shuts down or gets angry. I hate to see him like that. We rarely see each other as it is, I don't want those few moments filled with unhappiness.

I read the 180 list and it's actually something I've unintentionally done in the beginning and I saw many improvements. It's my new guidelines now & I can't wait to see the changes in myself... and hopefully in my marriage. If not that, then at least our friendship.

**side note** ...This forum has been such therapy for me. I'm so glad I stumbled upon it. :) Thank you, guys.

morituri

Crimsyn you may want to read How Can I Recover Sexual Desire For My Husband After My Affair?. It may or may not address some of your intimacy issues that you've had with your husband. Check it out.

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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Crimsyn

Oh wow, thanks! It mentions a lot about the "electric fence personality" which I don't think really represents me... but I did get a lot out of the article. The website is extremely informative and I've already read a few different articles on affairs and why we do what we do... but most importantly how to recover. Thank you! I'm bookmarking this.