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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 05:56 AM Thread Starter
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hoping for some hope

So I posted the first half of this roller coaster ride before... I'll give a quick recap before I get to the second half.. Wife and i have been together a total of 11 years.. dated for 8 then married for 3. We got together sophomore year of hgh school... constant fighting began about 4 years ago.. nothing big just always her being short/moody.. or me being a pessimist and being afraid to spend money on anything... i think resentment built from there and the arguements became us cutting eachother down and complaining about all our differences... about 4 months ago now in our last big fight that started all this.. I foolishly said that I didnt love her... I realize it was wrong and I shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me.. but i haven't been able to get her back since then.. she shut down and shut me out from that moment on.. I've tried everything to get her back and she just kept asking for space.. she said no matter how funny or sweet I am it won't change anything and space is our only hope.. I then discovered through texts on her phone that she had begun an emotional affair with her boss.. things blew up after that and i decided to give her that space.. I moved in with my parents for a month and asked her to please not forget that we were married during that time... and told her that if the affair continued then this space can not benefit us.. she assured me it was done and that she would focus on herself and what she needs to do to come back to me... well i came home a week early to find out that she bought another house... she said she was done and wanted a divorce... a few days later i was able to get back on her phone and I discovered that the emotional affair had continued and was just days away from becoming physical.. i found out on friday and they were set to meet on monday (as long as his wife didnt go into labor... yea this story just keeps getting better) .... this may not have been the best idea but while I had her phone I ran out of the house and drove to her job.. I was all set to turn in these texts to the building administrator and ruin both of their lives... but she wasnt available at the time.. probably a good thing because i admit that reaction may have been a bit harsh... but anyway.. i returned with her phone and just let her have it and vented all my frustration out for an hour and a half.... the next day we spoke peacefully and I deleted the texts from her phone that I had sent to myself... With nothing to hold over her head and no reason to try and reconcile out of fear... she back tracked on her request for divorce... she said that hearing me say i was done hurt her and she wants to try and make it work... BUT at the same time.. she is still stuck in her head and she says she feels no intimate connection for me anymore... her idea to get it back is that.. while living seperately.. we go back to dating each other and see if she can get that feeling back... I feel like what is blocking her from feeling that way about me... are her feelings for her boss.. she says there are none anymore and that he wont even talk to her after the job scare (I confirmed the second part by getting back on her phone... lots of messages from her but he barely responds... nothing more than an occasional "thanks" when she mentions something she did at work) but the fact that shes trying to talk to him tells me its still there... and when I try to dig into this lack of intimacy issue I just get a bunch of "I dont know"s....... so currently we are both still living together.. and despite her "wanting to try" she is still distant physically.. the friendly conversations have gotten easier but i dont get anything more than a hug when one of us is coming or going from the house... she moves at the end of next month... im trying to remain hopeful but she isnt giving me much to hang on to... is it possible for intimacy to return?? has separation ever been helpful?? and assuming this other guy stays scared straight... is there any hope of her getting over him and coming back to me?? Whats keeping me going is thinking tht everything happens for a reason... like there was a reason why i came home early and found her phone just days before she crossed another line with him.. I stopped it from happening.. at least for a little while... and there was a reason why the aadministrator wasnt in the building when i drove there... this hopefully put the final nail in the coffin for the affair... and at the same time didnt do irreversable damage to their lives/my marriage... and im telling my wife that ALL of this is happening because we had the issue of constant fighting and not appreciating each other to work through before we bring kids into our lives... kinda sucks that it went this far... but if we can get through it then we'll be ready for anything! ....thanks in advance to for the insight to anyone who actually made it through this whole book... i cut it as much as i could.. oh also just mentioning another fear of mine... we dont have any children.. she desperately wants them.. she is 26 which i see as still being young... but she does not... im afraid because of that she wont give us the time we need to recover.. she might just want to believe the grass is always greener and move on before she feels its too late.... I know no one can realsticly answer this question.. but is it possible that something like this can be fixed in just a few months?? has anyone ever had a quick turnaround??

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 06:36 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope

Do not try reconciling as both have anger issues and will only be detrimental towards one another. Do not have children until you either resolve both your anger problems and abusive problems as you both are abusive towards one another.
Seek help on your own end and make it a condition for her to seek help on her own end. Then start relationship counseling to see if there is a relationship to save. The thing is, there might not be nothing there to save. You might not get over her EA, she might not get over you telling her that you do not love her, or the healthy versions of either of you might not have enough compatibility to make a relationship work. Find a marriage counselor that will help you both find what you are looking for saving the marriage as not the goal.
Plus, she is not over her boss. Love takes time to diminish. It is a process on building that bond. She needs time and space away from him and once those hormones lessen, she will realize that he threw her under the bus to save his own hide and was probably just using her since if he had a stronger bond to her, he would not go no contact with her. Love is a motivator and her motivation to keep that bond is stronger than his. Until she gets more clarity, you cannot trust her and even after that ends, she will need to change her coping mechanisms and other behaviors so there is more security in being with her just like you also need to work on your own behavior. If things do not work out with her and you treat someone else in the same manner, you will likely get cheated on again, another relationship break-up, and other unhealthy dynamic. You will bring your baggage into any new relationship and your new partner will carry that burden also like taking your lack of anger management on them.

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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 06:39 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope

I hope you told that poor guys wife.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 06:47 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope

1. Paragraphs.
2. Divorce.
3. Expose the affair to OM's wife.

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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 06:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: hoping for some hope

I am well aware of the anger issues and am totally willing to work on things.. through my own practice and counseling...she however is not... she is convinced time is the only thing that can help and that even then there is no guarentee...
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 07:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: hoping for some hope

Divorce is not a route im willing to take.. I feel like anything besides physical abuse can be worked through... Also.. I'm tempted to tell the wife.. but i fear that may cause problems for her at work and make our situation worse.. or he ends up getting divorced and is free to pursue my wife without fear
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 08:57 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope

Sounds like you're more scared to be alone than anything.
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 09:03 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ihatethis View Post
Sounds like you're more scared to be alone than anything.
How do I try and save things without coming off that way?! Or are you saying it's obvious that there is nothing to save so I should just drop it?
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 09:20 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope

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Originally Posted by allnamesaretaken View Post
I am well aware of the anger issues and am totally willing to work on things.. through my own practice and counseling...she however is not... she is convinced time is the only thing that can help and that even then there is no guarentee...
It takes two to make a relationship work and you can NOT force some one else to work at something they are not willing to work at. So unless you are willing to swallow all of the pent up resentment that is sure to come from the unresolved affair, you really have no choice.
You both got involved in THIS relationship very early. Neither of you really have a clue what you are looking for in life much less from a relationship. I suggest you get counselling for yourself. Regardless if your wife wants to face reality, you need to. Otherwise you are going to live a miserable existence as a cuckolded married man.

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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 09:25 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope (posting in second location because im not sure where it fit

She screwed her boss and BOUGHT A HOUSE! Let her go!!!


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 09:33 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope (posting in second location because im not sure where it fit

She still works with him? That's a deal breaker for any reconciliation.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope (posting in second location because im not sure where it fit

This story you have, you probably feel it's very unique to the two of you. It isn't. A marriage that's rough for 4 years, one partner starts an emotional/physical affair and falls out of love, then they divorce. It's pretty much textbook.
She fell out of love with you when she started the emotional affair with the boss. She was unsatisfied with your relationship for about 4 years prior. That means she has a long time of unhappiness that she is thinking about, besides the fact that she REALLY has ZERO love for you anymore.

As a person who has been through this, I'm going to tell you the cold, hard truth.

She doesn't love you anymore, and it's EXTREMELY unlikely that she ever will again. I can tell you that she's going to guilt trip you into thinking that this is all your fault. It's not ALL your fault by a longshot. She is going to do everything she can legally to screw you over, because her lawyer is going to tell her to-- it's their job. You erasing evidence of her affair was not smart.

She isn't going to make ANY ATTEMPT to reconcile with you. She's just going to dangle you on a string while she continues to get all of HER ducks in a row in order to take full advantage of the divorce.
They all do this. So be prepared.

Here's what you are going to do: YOu're going to pine for her, drag your feet on getting a lawyer, beg and plead, chase her, etc. etc.-- and it's going to lead to the climax---she's gone with her new man and you are paying her to do it after getting the worse deal possible because you didn't have your heart in fighting her in the divorce you don't want.

HEre's what you SHOULD do, that you probably won't (just like me, almost--- I filed quickly and divorced while she still had a little guilt about what she'd done, and didn't get totally screwed. But I begged and pleaded and degraded myself):

File immediately, get the best lawyer possible, forget her and consider her for what she is (the past), MOVE ON in your mind and in your work and hobbies. FOLLOW YOUR LAWYER's advice to the letter.
Don't believe anything she says. Whatever she says, assume the truth is the opposite. IT IS.

Your wife is gone. Dude, she bought a house! She is f'ing her boss. She is NOT attempting to reconcile, she's getting her ducks in a row and keeping you on a short leash.

MOVE ON. LIVE IT. or you are in for a lot more pain.

I've really, really, sorry. But what I've said is the truth.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 09:56 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope (posting in second location because im not sure where it fit

Sounds familiar. No Kids! RUN RUN RUN and do NOT look back. in a couple years you will look back and smile that your RAN. 180 her hard.

If you stay, and with what shes already done, in a couple years you will probably be miserable!

As the other poster said this is almost text book. Its actually what happened to me. The choice I made was to try to make it work. I was weak. Here I am 4 years later miserable and now with a kid.

Dont make my mistake.
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 10:03 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope (posting in second location because im not sure where it fit

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Your wife is gone. Dude, she bought a house! She is f'ing her boss. She is NOT attempting to reconcile, she's getting her ducks in a row and keeping you on a short leash.
For the last four years your house has been shaken by earth tremors. The chandelier swayed the dishes rattled across the table.

This was an on and off thing.

This ultimate has happened. The big one hit, the house crumbled around you. She bought a new house for her new man.

What a fool she is.

The man that she is hotly shackled to is married. His dear wife is ready to give birth. What a catch for her.

He is perfect for her.

He has no scruples.

He has no morals.

He has no compass....he is drunken with lust. This is self destructive behavior on his part. Cake eating, too.

His wife is pregnant and therefore not available to him. He rewards her by f'ing another women. A women, not with a big belly...no, she has a big fat angry head.

Your wife is selfish. She is lashing out at everyone...going scorched earth.

Your wife has no respect for you or your marriage, same as POSOM.

Your wife has no morals. She should have divorced you before diving into hell.

Your wife has no compass. Hooking up with a married man who has a pregnant wife. This is an exit affair. She is burning you AND POSOM and POSOM's wife. She hates you, hates everyone and herself {I would hope so}.

Your wife is sick.

Sorry you are here and not "there". "There", is in your mind.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 10:14 AM
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Re: hoping for some hope

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Originally Posted by allnamesaretaken View Post
Divorce is not a route im willing to take.. I feel like anything besides physical abuse can be worked through...
Then you're ill-equipped for marriage.

You're young.

You'll learn.

Hopefully.

If not you'll continue to get kicked around.

Quote:
Originally Posted by allnamesaretaken View Post
Also.. I'm tempted to tell the wife.. but i fear that may cause problems for her at work and make our situation worse.. or he ends up getting divorced and is free to pursue my wife without fear
That's one of several reasons that you SHOULD expose to his wife -- you'll never know where your wife's heart lies until the two of them (your wife and OM) ARE free to pursue a relationship w/ one another.

Either way, for as long as your wife is still working w/ this guy, there will be no way for you to reconcile your marriage.

Do yourself a huge favor and read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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