Mixed signals and false starts - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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I'm going to jump to a conclusion here, OP. Your wife is seeing someone else. She is not sure about this other person. That is why she is still in contact with you. Plan B, you know. She enjoys the emotional volleyball, it is an ego boost of some sort. She reels you in by making herself some victim of some sort, you bite, she pulls away. The ego-boost is knowing she has you by the nuts.

But she shows the classic signs of having found someone else. The confusing signals and general questioning behaviour point to that.

This hits home for me because someone close to me went through a similar situation. Your name wouldn't happen to be Alex by any chance?
I tend to agree with you. I don't think she'd started seeing someone prior to our separation, but urges were probably bubbling up. And in the last month or so, I do think something has started or the at the very least the possibility arose and that coincided with her renewed vigor for getting what she needed for the divorce.

You are completely spot on about the victim card. It was a frequent issue in our relationship and her professional life as well. It's tough for her knowing that she's the one doing this and so she creates pathways for the old familiar feeling of being a victim is left intact. It's been eye-opening to talk to friends and hear that they saw the same pattern of behavior.

My name is not Alex, but oddly enough the person I suspect she may have started something with is named Alex and he went through a divorce last year! He's a coworker that started at her work the same month we separated. My hunch is that something is going on there but probably won't be a full go until she moves forward with our divorce.

I caved and sent her a quick note a couple of days ago just to say I was thinking about her and hoped she was doing well. At the end of all this, I want her to remember me fondly.

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post #17 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 05:36 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

You should leave this marriage, and go no contact. She will never leave you alone then, but you need to stay strong. Heal, spend some time enjoying life by yourself again, and then a GOOD relationship will come your way. This is not a good person nor a good relationship. Sounds like she wants to keep you on a shelf, dating guys and having you not move on.

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
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post #18 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 06:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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You should leave this marriage, and go no contact. She will never leave you alone then, but you need to stay strong. Heal, spend some time enjoying life by yourself again, and then a GOOD relationship will come your way. This is not a good person nor a good relationship. Sounds like she wants to keep you on a shelf, dating guys and having you not move on.
I definitely agree with the no contact. I had been doing really well with that until this weekend, but I just caved to emotion.

She is a good person and in our relationship she was committed and completely in love. She provided me with more than I could ever possibly articulate. I don't think she's just keeping me on a shelf—I think our relationship is incredibly hard for her to let go of because of how much it has meant to her. She's actually been good about not initiating contact since she asked who I was with a couple of weeks ago. The only time she's contacted me is for something about the divorce.

I do think that during the last three months a lot of her worst tendencies have cropped up, but that's somewhat expected given the volatility of the situation. She needs validation from me even with a divorce I don't want and her need to be the victim has made this way harder than it probably could have been.

Still, I don't want to demonize her and I know I played a big role in this as well. It really sucks—I feel for everyone else on these boards going through something similar.
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post #19 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 05:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

She contacted me last night via text to say her paperwork had come in the mail and that she would try to file Thursday before her work, but that she was swamped and wasn't sure if it would happen. I was destroyed, but responded that while I didn't feel the same way I respected her decision and would be as helpful as I could be. I went on to text that there was no pressure on her to get it done this week if work was too busy.

She responded with a thank you and said that she was feeling really overwhelmed by it all and that it might be Monday before she can get to it. Then she really got me by texting that she'd been thinking about me a lot because my birthday is coming up. She said she understood that I wanted limited contact, but asked if it was okay for her to get in touch on my birthday. I contemplated and finally responded, "Of course, you know how I feel about you."

I went on to say that I hoped her life was going well and she said it was okay, just a lot of work and time with our cat. Then she asked about the cat I kept and we chatted about them for a bit before I told her that I truly hoped she was happier and she responded "ditto"—a word we used when we first started dating and had kept ever since

I told her I wasn't by a long shot but that if this is what she truly wants I would respect it and I'd be there for her if something serious popped up. She responded that she understood and I told her I would always love her.

So, I guess that's it or at the very least a divorce will be filed. Her birthday is Christmas day so I'll have a strong urge to contact her then, but I should probably just resist. I don't know, I'm confused and heartbroken.

Thanks again for all the support. I just wish she'd given us another shot with therapy. I have my faults, but I look back and we spent no less than 3-4 nights together on dates during the entirety of our relationship. I always made time to listen to her insecurities and try to help and genuinely wanted a future and family with her. The more I think about it, the more I think she built up the friendship I had with my coworker into something more than it was and that became a huge catalyst for this decision.

Once papers have been filed, what's the experience like? How much contact have you other posters had with STBX once it gets rolling? Are there are a lot of times where contact is necessary for the divorce proceedings or is it mostly just the occasional document request. I still love her but have made it clear that contact beyond emergencies, something for the divorce or possible reconciliation is off the table. I could of course cave, but I want to be strong on that as possible.

Lastly, any advice in terms of helping with the transition. For the past three months, she's been pretty much all I think about despite going out more than years and trying to stay busy. I don't want that to continue to think about her as much but I'm not sure how to move past that.
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post #20 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 10:08 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

If you continue to meet her emotional needs while she does the push/pull dynamic, you are enabling her to use you.

Why on earth would she alter the current limbo when she is getting what she needs from you by your continued engagement? Can you say the same? Nope.

The fact that you would accept limbo just to hold on to some sliver of hope speaks volumes about you.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #21 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 10:24 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

What do you constitute an emergency?

Compassion for others should not come without compassion for self... within that is how one moves forward.

That path was then... this path is now, and now is how you need to take care of yourself first.

Destroyed... I hear that word a lot.

Did she really put an end to your existence?
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post #22 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 10:33 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
I do think that during the last three months a lot of her worst tendencies have cropped up, but that's somewhat expected given the volatility of the situation. She needs validation from me even with a divorce I don't want and her need to be the victim has made this way harder than it probably could have been.

Still, I don't want to demonize her and I know I played a big role in this as well. It really sucks—I feel for everyone else on these boards going through something similar.

Divorce is going through.
She's done.

You no longer are required to support her.

I don't know who the first person who said this, but they are a genius:

NOT MY CIRCUS

NOT MY MONKEYS



Time for you to live by that phrase in all things that deal with her.

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #23 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:38 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Lastly, any advice in terms of helping with the transition. For the past three months, she's been pretty much all I think about despite going out more than years and trying to stay busy. I don't want that to continue to think about her as much but I'm not sure how to move past that.
Stop offering to be there for her, stop telling her you wish it wasn't this way, stop expressing your feelings to her, don't talk to her about anything unless it's absolutely necessary, primarily financial, divorce related or the cat. Better yet one of you takes the cat if you haven't figured that one out already, to have some sort of "custody and visitation" schedule for a pet is completely ridiculous and borders on the bizarre and keeps the two parties connected when they don't need to be.
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post #24 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:47 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Stop offering to be there for her, stop telling her you wish it wasn't this way, stop expressing your feelings to her, don't talk to her about anything unless it's absolutely necessary, primarily financial, divorce related or the cat.
THIS!!! You are making yourself look pathetic... JUST STOP!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #25 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Stop offering to be there for her, stop telling her you wish it wasn't this way, stop expressing your feelings to her, don't talk to her about anything unless it's absolutely necessary, primarily financial, divorce related or the cat. Better yet one of you takes the cat if you haven't figured that one out already, to have some sort of "custody and visitation" schedule for a pet is completely ridiculous and borders on the bizarre and keeps the two parties connected when they don't need to be.
I completely agree. I actually haven't initiated contact in some time, but I do respond when she reaches out so I'll just need to stop that as well. We decided the cat issue amicably and didn't try to set up any kind of visitation thing. That is bizarre if people actually do that.

Yesterday was my birthday and she texted to wish me a happy one, tell me she was thinking about me and hoped it was a good one. It hurt to see that, but I didn't respond.

What I wasn't prepared for was an email from her grandmother wishing me happy birthday. She clearly thinks her and I are still together and I'm not sure how to handle it—I love her grandmother and know it will kill her to find out we're getting a divorce. I want to respond because she'll be hurt and confused if I don't, but at the same time I'm not sure it's my place (or responsibility) to be the one to break the news.

My STBXW will see her over the holidays and have to tell her then. I'm just pissed about it. Her grandmother is going to be embarrassed, confused, hurt and in pain over this and she doesn't deserve that. What do you all think? Should I just respond with a simple thank you? Should I do that and tell her I won't be seeing over Christmas because we're getting a divorce? Or should I just ignore it and let my STBXW deal with the fallout? It would be so much easier if I didn't love her grandmother, but I do and want to think about her feelings because I do care and she has nothing to do with this.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

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post #26 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:40 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Just tell her thank your for the birthday wish.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #27 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:54 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

It sounds like you're finally getting your act together. No more telling her you wished something could be different, no more responding to non-divorce crap.

And if she doesn't file for divorce, you should... and NOT that "trial separation"crap you mentioned. What did you expect to be gained from filing for a trial separation? That she'd change her mind? She hasn't yet. Either jump in 100% for divorce or keep getting whip lashed by her.
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post #28 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:42 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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What I wasn't prepared for was an email from her grandmother wishing me happy birthday. She clearly thinks her and I are still together and I'm not sure how to handle it—I love her grandmother and know it will kill her to find out we're getting a divorce. I want to respond because she'll be hurt and confused if I don't, but at the same time I'm not sure it's my place (or responsibility) to be the one to break the news.
Do whatever you want without worrying about ruffling any feathers, but when you do it think about the effect it will have on the grandmother, not anyone else, because no one else matters. If you want her to hear the news from you, and you think it's better, or no worse coming from you then go ahead and tell her.
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post #29 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Do whatever you want without worrying about ruffling any feathers, but when you do it think about the effect it will have on the grandmother, not anyone else, because no one else matters. If you want her to hear the news from you, and you think it's better, or no worse coming from you then go ahead and tell her.
Great advice. I decided to just simply tell her thank you and that I hoped she was doing well. It's not my responsibility to let her know and I think it would have made it harder on her coming from me through an email.

Holidays are brutal for this all to be really moving forward.

Another request for advice—my STBXW has a history of bulimia and friends that have seen her have all remarked about how skinny she is. Pictures on social media corroborate this and she told me over the summer that had made herself throw up for the first time in years.

Now, I know the advice is probably going to be, "not your problem anymore," and if that's what any of you think is best then I respect that. However, despite all my frustrations about this, I still do care and don't want to see this return to destructive behaviors. My question is, should I reach out to someone I trust that she interacts with regularly and ask them to make sure she's okay and talk to her about it?
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post #30 of 136 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:28 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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My question is, should I reach out to someone I trust that she interacts with regularly and ask them to make sure she's okay and talk to her about it?
I've seen my ex go downhill over the years since the divorce, through the grapevine, posts she makes on the pages of mutual friends, things I hear from my daughter. I never once considered trying to get someone to help her, and I have absolutely no interest in doing so. Why? Because she's just someone that I used to know.
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