Mixed signals and false starts - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 12:06 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Great advice. I decided to just simply tell her thank you and that I hoped she was doing well. It's not my responsibility to let her know and I think it would have made it harder on her coming from me through an email.

Holidays are brutal for this all to be really moving forward.

Another request for advice—my STBXW has a history of bulimia and friends that have seen her have all remarked about how skinny she is. Pictures on social media corroborate this and she told me over the summer that had made herself throw up for the first time in years.

Now, I know the advice is probably going to be, "not your problem anymore," and if that's what any of you think is best then I respect that. However, despite all my frustrations about this, I still do care and don't want to see this return to destructive behaviors. My question is, should I reach out to someone I trust that she interacts with regularly and ask them to make sure she's okay and talk to her about it?
Google "knight in shining armor".

You need to understand your tendencies.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #32 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 11:25 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

How are you holding up Golfpanther?
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post #33 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 06:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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How are you holding up Golfpanther?
Tough day. Found out that she filed on Dec. 21st via the court's website. This was a long time coming, but it still stings and hurts.

It was a weird past couple of weeks with the most communication we've had in some time. She actually texted me the night before filing, "I'm sorry to bug you but I have something to tell you. It's random." I didn't respond and she didn't end up sending anything else. I guess she was hoping I'd respond and give my blessing for the contact.

She's back home for the holidays with her family now and I'm spending it with friends. It's incredibly hard, but I guess I'm managing. I've definitely been going through the whole spectrum of emotions today.

Thanks for asking. I know this is going to be bad for a while, but at last I have some definitiveness now.
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post #34 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 01:05 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Tough day. Found out that she filed on Dec. 21st via the court's website. This was a long time coming, but it still stings and hurts.

It was a weird past couple of weeks with the most communication we've had in some time. She actually texted me the night before filing, "I'm sorry to bug you but I have something to tell you. It's random." I didn't respond and she didn't end up sending anything else. I guess she was hoping I'd respond and give my blessing for the contact.

She's back home for the holidays with her family now and I'm spending it with friends. It's incredibly hard, but I guess I'm managing. I've definitely been going through the whole spectrum of emotions today.

Thanks for asking. I know this is going to be bad for a while, but at last I have some definitiveness now.
Golfpanther - in another thread you said you sent your STBX a Christmas/Birthday email with a gift a songs. You need to stop this my friend. It keeps you in soul sucking limbo and retards your healing. I have been a mentor to many a young man who have walked in your shoes. The ones that healed the fastest and went on with their lives are the ones that made a clean break. They kept all communications to business only.
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post #35 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 07:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Golfpanther - in another thread you said you sent your STBX a Christmas/Birthday email with a gift a songs. You need to stop this my friend. It keeps you in soul sucking limbo and retards your healing. I have been a mentor to many a young man who have walked in your shoes. The ones that healed the fastest and went on with their lives are the ones that made a clean break. They kept all communications to business only.
Yes, I did do that and it was probably a bad choice. I have mixed feelings about my decision. On one hand, I had planned to do this prior to finding out about the filing as a way of showing I still care, while still respecting her wishes. On the other hand... yeah, it created as much emotional damage as any positive that came out of it.

No communication since and I hadn't initiated or talked about anything outside the divorce since... I'm not even sure when. The day after Thanksgiving I believe.

Thanks for your concern. You're right, every time I send anything to her that isn't business is a retardation of the healing process. I got back into my hometown today and it's been really, really tough facing the reality that it's now in the court system. Somewhere in there is a bit of release, but I can't quite pluck away enough of the layers of sadness and loss to get there fully.

I'm not going to initiate any further contact from this point on and only respond when she asks about setting up a time and place where I can be served my respondent forms. Really though, thanks, it's been incredibly helpful to have this space as a sounding board for my thoughts.
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post #36 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 05:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

So since my probably misguided decision to contact her on her birthday/Christmas, my STBXW and I have had no contact.

One thing that really bothers me is that the day she got back and yesterday, she used her spousal membership at the yoga studio for whom I work as a producer and editor. Before she filed, I knew she was taking classes for free because of my employment but I was okay with it. Now, I'm thinking it's just tacky and wrong. I could go to HR and get her cut off, but that could lead to unwanted and negative interactions between her and me and I really don't want that.

My question is, how long should I wait for her to set up a time and place I can meet with her process server before I initiate that conversation? I won't lie, I'm still a wreck over this and trying to come to some sort of acceptance so doing so would be really hard for me at this time. I was thinking I'd wait until the middle of next week and then write to her with a time and place of my own choosing along with telling her that we need to discuss separating the ways in which we're still entwined (health insurance, car insurance, cellphone plan etc.).

Do you all think that's a reasonable amount of time? I know that a lot you are likely to say, "Just write her this second!", but I'm honestly not in best the frame of mind to do that right now (it's been less than a week since I found out). I also want to be as friendly and understanding as possible so I can look back at how I handled this with pride.

Ugh, I know this will feel better one day but I wish it would come ASAP.
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post #37 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:08 PM
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You're being very kind, friendly and generous to someone who's dumping you. Maybe that's part of what's gotten you where you are.

Do you think she respects that?

IMO you should be civil and very short.
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post #38 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:34 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Your timeframe is good. Considering using the services of a mediator who will facilitate the process and decrease the amount of communication you need to have with your ex.

If she's not costing you anything by using her gym membership then let it be until the divorce is final.

No contact or communication about anything not directly related to the divorce.

Your attitude should be one of detached indifference.
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post #39 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Your timeframe is good. Considering using the services of a mediator who will facilitate the process and decrease the amount of communication you need to have with your ex.

If she's not costing you anything by using her gym membership then let it be until the divorce is final.

No contact or communication about anything not directly related to the divorce.

Your attitude should be one of detached indifference.
Thanks for the advice as always.

I'm surprised that you said I should just let the membership continue. I figured everyone would say cut that off immediately. But I think I agree with you. It would only lead to some form of contact/hurt feelings that would unnecessarily make this harder. It does really sting that she thinks it's okay to have that perk that's entirely dependent on us being married even after she filed.

I'll look into a mediator, but I think I'll be okay working out the details with her. In reality, contact only needs to happen three times for the divorce from here on out. I think I can handle that.

I'm working on being detached, but it is difficult and longing and reminders of my love for her pop up at unexpected times. I probably need to move somewhere new in the city to get away from the constant reminders.
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post #40 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 11:04 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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I don't believe for a moment that you got the truth about the times she fell off the radar.

She has been cheating for some time.

You would do well to accept that fact.
Please read gthe above again and know that you need to stay NC with her. Married women who are unhappy and contemplating separation or divorce do not go out partying and disappear on a fregular basis if no other man is involved. Her explanations are silly and not believable unless you were in denial.

The back and forth is probably because her boyfriend is married and she knew he would not leave his wife and family. So on and off she was trying to stall the process while she was tryin g to figure out what to do. My bet is she already has a boyfriend and you will eventually find that out.

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post #41 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 11:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Please read gthe above again and know that you need to stay NC with her. Married women who are unhappy and contemplating separation or divorce do not go out partying and disappear on a fregular basis if no other man is involved. Her explanations are silly and not believable unless you were in denial.

The back and forth is probably because her boyfriend is married and she knew he would not leave his wife and family. So on and off she was trying to stall the process while she was tryin g to figure out what to do. My bet is she already has a boyfriend and you will eventually find that out.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Trust me, I've thought a lot about this and I'm prepared for the worst should it ever come out. There actually is a married man she has a close relationship with who is also a coworker and it's entirely possible that at least an emotional affair sprung out of that.

Interestingly (and I'm not sure if I've posted this before), when she finally did reach out to a mutual friend she claimed that she was ready to file the week after leaving but that I was dragging my feet. While it's true I protested and urged her to reconsider, there was nothing stopping her from requesting the information she needed immediately and she certainly didn't need to beat me up with emotionally damaging texts, pictures and calls. So yeah, I think you might be right that she was stalling to give herself time to figure out what she wanted to do, regardless if there was another man involved or not, but that would add to the explanation for sure. It's funny how people can write a narrative that works for them even if there is ample of evidence from their own behavior that it's not reality.

In the end, none of this matters as long as the divorce progresses. I'm not sure if it would be better to know or not if there had been infidelity. It would provide greater context for her decision but it would also be ripping off the band-aid of whatever healing I'd done up to that point.

Hope everyone has a good New Year's.
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post #42 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 12:43 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

What does a producer and editor of a yoga studio even do? WTF?
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post #43 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 07:40 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Tell me this golf can she show up with the other guy as a guest at this gym? If that is the case then the hell with that I would shut it down yesterday....it's one thing yo be nice still another to be a freaking doormat.
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post #44 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:38 AM
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Hey GP.... just be thankful you never agreed to children... could be a lot worse.
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post #45 of 132 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 12:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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What does a producer and editor of a yoga studio even do? WTF?
Haha, that's a good question and that would seem odd from the outside. They have an online membership site and I produce and edit all the content for it along with marketing videos for the studios.
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