Mixed signals and false starts - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
Wonderful advice indeed.

I think you hit the nail on the head about the crocheting—things like that (and reaching out on Halloween) were to show me that she's still the same person she's always been and probably a little bit to make me feel bad that it's her life now.

I thought about the longest we've gone with absolutely no contact up to this point and it was around 9 days. That's really nothing when I think about it, even though it felt like an eternity. We really haven't given ourselves the chance to see what life is like without one another. I talked with my therapist last night and basically said that after I sign off on the divorce I'm going to give it a solid month without anything. At that point, it's like you said; either she'll reach out to me or she never will.

Your text is spot on and I'll likely use something along those lines the next time she reaches out about something other than business. You're right, it's all about checking in to see if my attention is still firmly under her control and sadly, it has been up to this point.

I really don't know what to make of the contact with the married coworker. It's possible it's something more than friendship or shop talk (they're both graphic designers as is his wife), but I don't think that really fits.

Thanks again for your words, they are very helpful.
golfpanther - you need to understand this. Drama Triangle

Notice that you and your STBXW play all three roles within one exchange. Both of you go from victim to rescuer to persecutor. The only way out is to not play the game.

Get out of the triangle before you go nuts.

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post #62 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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golfpanther - you need to understand this. Drama Triangle

Notice that you and your STBXW play all three roles within one exchange. Both of you go from victim to rescuer to persecutor. The only way out is to not play the game.

Get out of the triangle before you go nuts.
Yes, that definitely sounds familiar. The NYE exchange was on the low-end of that kind of thing but it definitely applied. The first two months were fraught with exactly those kind of exchanges, with me almost always playing the role of rescuer and her victim and persecutor. I guess I just don't understand her initiating contact at all at this point for anything other than divorce stuff.

Incidentally, I got a text right after reading your post from her and her friend that will be my process server; it's going down tonight at a coffee shop.

I'm really sad and not looking forward to it, but I guess I didn't have a chance from the start of this at salvaging the relationship. I still feel like there's more to it that I don't know, but now I probably never will.

I'll probably post on here from time to time, and obviously if anything unexpected happens, but it'll probably lessen now. Thanks to everyone that took time out of their life to help me with this up to this point.
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post #63 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 12:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Well, I now have my divorce paperwork. It was a surreal experience and not what I expected. Her friend was actually really empathetic and seemed sad about everything. She gave me a big hug, said she was really sorry and asked how I was. When I asked her about my STBXW she said, "She's good, I think... it's tough."

Going to try to fill out the paperwork quickly and get it back to her so this can just move forward and run its natural course. Feel some relief but mostly just sadness.
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post #64 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 01:30 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

GP, I don't know a single person that has the level of communication you are describing between your STBXW and a "friend", unless they are sleeping together. Once this is divorce is over do yourself a favor and unfriend her on FB, block her number, and erase anything that reminds you of her and move on. You don't need her in your life and will have a much easier time moving on the sooner you cut all contact with her. Divorce is scary because it's a new situation but adjusting is usually pretty quick and you'll be far better off when you aren't focusing any of your energy on a person that doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Good luck to you.
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post #65 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Well, I now have my divorce paperwork. It was a surreal experience and not what I expected. Her friend was actually really empathetic and seemed sad about everything. She gave me a big hug, said she was really sorry and asked how I was. When I asked her about my STBXW she said, "She's good, I think... it's tough."

Going to try to fill out the paperwork quickly and get it back to her so this can just move forward and run its natural course. Feel some relief but mostly just sadness.
golfpanther - a process server is someone approved and designated by the courts to serve legal process. So is this "friend" a court approved process server or just a woman running interference for your STBXW? If she is not approved by the court she can't legally serve you with anything. By the way, you can waive service of process.

How much do you have in joint assets or marital property? Is there a lot to negotiate or argue about?
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post #66 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 05:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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golfpanther - a process server is someone approved and designated by the courts to serve legal process. So is this "friend" a court approved process server or just a woman running interference for your STBXW? If she is not approved by the court she can't legally serve you with anything. By the way, you can waive service of process.

How much do you have in joint assets or marital property? Is there a lot to negotiate or argue about?
Thanks for the response Absurdist.

In the state I reside, a process server can be a friend. It can also be someone designated by the courts or via mail that requires a signature. So, this is all legit for my state.

In terms of joint assets and marital property, we decided those things amicably. I don't foresee us arguing about any of that in the future.
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post #67 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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GP, I don't know a single person that has the level of communication you are describing between your STBXW and a "friend", unless they are sleeping together. Once this is divorce is over do yourself a favor and unfriend her on FB, block her number, and erase anything that reminds you of her and move on. You don't need her in your life and will have a much easier time moving on the sooner you cut all contact with her. Divorce is scary because it's a new situation but adjusting is usually pretty quick and you'll be far better off when you aren't focusing any of your energy on a person that doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Good luck to you.
Great advice and much appreciated!

Yes, I do find the level of communication to be very odd. As an example, there were 5 phone calls between 7pm and 8pm (when I was served) last night for a total of about 47 minutes. And then another call near midnight that was 15.

It is odd, but there are other explanations besides an affair. It's possible she's getting advice from both him and his wife and/or they're helping her cope. MY STBXW also does freelance graphic design work and has helped him get work in the past.

All that being said... yeah, if nothing else it's incredibly fishy and I can't imagine the wife knows the extent of the communication. That's a LOT of time to be giving to someone else, even if the wife is aware of it. And he did get super pissed with his wife when she slipped my STBXW drugs at his birthday party and complimented her appearance. Plus, he always seemed uncomfortable around me. It could be that was because she had said negative things about me or it could be because he was (is) pining over her.

It's probably wasted effort to think about it but if it has happened I do feel like it would help me both understand why she did this and move on. Is it wrong for me to wish it ends horribly if there is something happening?
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post #68 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 06:21 PM
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Angry Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
GP, I don't know a single person that has the level of communication you are describing between your STBXW and a "friend", unless they are sleeping together. Once this is divorce is over do yourself a favor and unfriend her on FB, block her number, and erase anything that reminds you of her and move on. You don't need her in your life and will have a much easier time moving on the sooner you cut all contact with her. Divorce is scary because it's a new situation but adjusting is usually pretty quick and you'll be far better off when you aren't focusing any of your energy on a person that doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Good luck to you.
You can't move on or hope to develope a good reaotionship with someone else until you detach from your Stbxw. Don't attempt the "friends" thing. It'll just keep you down longer.

Once it's over you'll have zero need for contact. It's your best bet.
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post #69 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 01:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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You can't move on or hope to develope a good reaotionship with someone else until you detach from your Stbxw. Don't attempt the "friends" thing. It'll just keep you down longer.

Once it's over you'll have zero need for contact. It's your best bet.
Agree 100%. Although, I'm not really interested in a relationship with anyone right now. I think I just need to figure out what I want from this new reality first and focus on me and my career.

I haven't initiated contact since Christmas and since New Year's, she's only contacted me once about setting up divorce related things. I started filling out the paperwork, which is a tough thing to do, but I plan on finishing it this weekend and mailing it back to her on Monday.
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post #70 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Got a little delayed with the paperwork (a bit more involved than I anticipated), but it's all filled out now. Going to get the part that needs a notary done tomorrow and send it to her.

Just looking for advice... for those of you that have gone through this, how long does it take before the feelings of loss, sadness and anxiety start to fade? And what did you folks do to help in the recovery process?

I've been more outgoing these past 4 months than since before I met my STBXW. It helps some, but coming home to an empty apartment and not having that person there to share my life with is the hardest part.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

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post #71 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

How long? About 6-10 months for me.

What makes it easier? Dating other women, getting one's confidence up, getting physical affection, finding one woman in particular that you want to put all your attention into.

Warning: takes time to find the right one. Don't be too quick to fall in love with one. You are very vulnerable for a long time because you're craving intimacy. DO NOT even consider getting married again for at least 2 years after you start regularly dating a woman. My current gf was PERFECT for 16 months, now I'm having to adjust to learning how she REALLY is. A good person, but hard to get along with. You will likely find that dating in your 30's and 40's results in interest from a lot more attractive women than you ever got when you were younger. Dating is a freaking mine field of craziness now. You might love it. You might tire of it quickly.

All I'm saying is getting your mind on someone else will lessen the pain. I doubt I'll ever get over mine fully. I still regret losing my family and having a far different life than I planned so many years ago.

Good luck
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post #72 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

I actually remember the moment when it faded. It was 6 months post D and I was sitting on the couch and realized that I was no longer unhappy, and had moved to being content with my life. It took a couple more months after that to be back to my old happy self. What I did was worked out a lot (this is a MUST), spent a lot of time talking with friends and family, travelled a bit, got more involved in hobbies and spent more time going to religious services (for the social aspect). I dated a little then too, but I wasn't ready for it and don't think I was that fun to date.

I'd recommend you spend this time doing whatever it was that you liked to do before you were married. Especially, if you gave something during the marriage. If you're looking to get laid but don't want commitment, you can always try hooking up with your single female friends. It's surprisingly quite easy to do if you just approach them with the idea.
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post #73 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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How long? About 6-10 months for me.

What makes it easier? Dating other women, getting one's confidence up, getting physical affection, finding one woman in particular that you want to put all your attention into.

Warning: takes time to find the right one. Don't be too quick to fall in love with one. You are very vulnerable for a long time because you're craving intimacy. DO NOT even consider getting married again for at least 2 years after you start regularly dating a woman. My current gf was PERFECT for 16 months, now I'm having to adjust to learning how she REALLY is. A good person, but hard to get along with. You will likely find that dating in your 30's and 40's results in interest from a lot more attractive women than you ever got when you were younger. Dating is a freaking mine field of craziness now. You might love it. You might tire of it quickly.

All I'm saying is getting your mind on someone else will lessen the pain. I doubt I'll ever get over mine fully. I still regret losing my family and having a far different life than I planned so many years ago.

Good luck
Thanks for the reply. It's been 4 months since my wife moved out and I last saw her... so I'm nearing the low end of your experience.

I can't imagine being with anyone else right now and I think I'd be a terrible date. I'll likely hold off on that kind of thing until I get some things figured out and heal a bit more.

I'll probably be like you in terms of getting over her. I can't imagine getting to a point where I feel nothing for her, but that's probably a good thing.
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post #74 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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I actually remember the moment when it faded. It was 6 months post D and I was sitting on the couch and realized that I was no longer unhappy, and had moved to being content with my life. It took a couple more months after that to be back to my old happy self. What I did was worked out a lot (this is a MUST), spent a lot of time talking with friends and family, travelled a bit, got more involved in hobbies and spent more time going to religious services (for the social aspect). I dated a little then too, but I wasn't ready for it and don't think I was that fun to date.

I'd recommend you spend this time doing whatever it was that you liked to do before you were married. Especially, if you gave something during the marriage. If you're looking to get laid but don't want commitment, you can always try hooking up with your single female friends. It's surprisingly quite easy to do if you just approach them with the idea.
Six months seems like a pretty good baseline. I'm still waiting for that "aha" moment to come but perhaps it'll be just a bit longer.

Working out sounds good and I've done a bit of that (though, less than before). Travel sounds like a good idea as well. I too think I'd be a terrible date. Just trying to get to know someone sounds exhausting and I'd probably endlessly compare the person to my STBXW.

Is zero commitment sex actually possible? Sorry, I probably sound naive, but I spent the past 11 years with one woman with whom it was always more.
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post #75 of 136 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:34 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Short answer is yes. It is very easy to have zero commitment sex. You just have to be clear about your intentions that you aren't looking for a relationship yet. Also, learn to gauge your prospects and don't waste time on those that aren't promising.
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