Mixed signals and false starts - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Short answer is yes. It is very easy to have zero commitment sex. You just have to be clear about your intentions that you aren't looking for a relationship yet. Also, learn to gauge your prospects and don't waste time on those that aren't promising.
Man, I feel so out of touch with this kind of thing. I guess that's to be expected.

STBXW texted today for an update and asked when I thought we should start separating insurance, cellphone plan etc. She said I was on her health insurance until mid-March so I think that's a good time to make a clean break of everything; maybe do some of the other stuff in the interim.

I think the big thing for me with the idea of dating is... can I possibly do better? My STBXW is very pretty, smart, funny etc. At the same time, she has her insecurities that made it tough. It's just weird; I keep looking at other stories on here about what ended marriages and it always seems like there was some big thing (infidelity, abuse etc.) and I just don't feel like we had that. I guess her perspective is different, but it makes a guy nervous about future dating prospects.

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post #77 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 10:22 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

She also has lousy character.

When you look at it through that prism, it will be easy to find better.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

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post #78 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 11:26 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Thanks for the reply.

Her complaints are definitely valid. I had withdrawn and in particular this summer things had gotten pretty far off the tracks...........
I know there are two sides, but you do NOT bring a child into this mess at all. You threatened divorce, she was out partying, she was trying to push her career forward and you two were in therapy. You may have wronged her in other ways, but delaying a child was SMART. Also, don't beat yourself up. Go find some new or restart old hobbies and get out of the house. The pain will lessen and go away if you do not sit around and wallow in it.

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post #79 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Talk with your lawyer about the health insurance. In my state I was required to pay for it for my XWW for six months post divorce. I didn't object since it was covered by my work and didn't cost me anything to keep her added on.

As far as dating goes, I have a simple rule. I won't date anyone that is not a step above my XWW. The women I date are prettier, smarter, younger, and more fun or I'm not interested. I'm not the type to settle for someone out of insecurity and I'd rather be alone than take a step down. I'd recommend that you just set your standard and stick with it. If you aren't a good enough guy to get the women that you want, then work on yourself first and then you'll have an easy time finding what you want.
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post #80 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Talk with your lawyer about the health insurance. In my state I was required to pay for it for my XWW for six months post divorce. I didn't object since it was covered by my work and didn't cost me anything to keep her added on.

As far as dating goes, I have a simple rule. I won't date anyone that is not a step above my XWW. The women I date are prettier, smarter, younger, and more fun or I'm not interested. I'm not the type to settle for someone out of insecurity and I'd rather be alone than take a step down. I'd recommend that you just set your standard and stick with it. If you aren't a good enough guy to get the women that you want, then work on yourself first and then you'll have an easy time finding what you want.
Good tip about the health insurance. Not even sure what my options will be with the changing of the guard here in the US and it not being an open enrollment period at my work.

Interestingly, I had an opportunity last night for a hookup. I'm a pretty good singer and went to a karaoke bar for fun and this woman (very young woman) was all about me after one song. It was a nice ego boost but also a needed check-in to know that I'm not really ready for it yet. Still, she was super attractive and it was nice to know I can still be desirable to a woman.

Thanks for the support everyone.
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post #81 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

If you are looking for the perfect time to move on, there is no such thing. Also don't look for a relationship, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little adult fun. Can you do better than your STBX? The answer is yes, all you have to do is find someone who loves and is committed to you. I get the impression she was a pretty needy person and checked out when she felt you did not have her on a high enough pedestal. Take the time to separate as much as you can now. The health insurance should have been done last fall when you were in an open season, still I would check with HR and see if there is an exception for change of status. The other possibility is, when will the divorce be official? Some states have a year waiting period, if that is the case, then continue until you get to the next open season.

You need to understand that you are going to be riding these roller coaster of emotions for awhile, so there will be good days and bad days. The less contact, the sooner you separate shared things, the quicker you will be ready to move on with life. Don't follow her facebook, exclude her from your postings. You need to be so busy with your life that you don't have time to think about hers.
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post #82 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 04:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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If you are looking for the perfect time to move on, there is no such thing. Also don't look for a relationship, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little adult fun. Can you do better than your STBX? The answer is yes, all you have to do is find someone who loves and is committed to you. I get the impression she was a pretty needy person and checked out when she felt you did not have her on a high enough pedestal. Take the time to separate as much as you can now. The health insurance should have been done last fall when you were in an open season, still I would check with HR and see if there is an exception for change of status. The other possibility is, when will the divorce be official? Some states have a year waiting period, if that is the case, then continue until you get to the next open season.

You need to understand that you are going to be riding these roller coaster of emotions for awhile, so there will be good days and bad days. The less contact, the sooner you separate shared things, the quicker you will be ready to move on with life. Don't follow her facebook, exclude her from your postings. You need to be so busy with your life that you don't have time to think about hers.
Yeah, I'm trying to get to the point where I can have adult fun and not feel guilty of think about her. I had a golden opportunity last week, but couldn't quite bring myself to act just yet.

I've looked into the health insurance in relation to a divorce for my state and it seems nothing should change while the divorce is in process. However, in the interest of really moving forward, I might just go along with her mid-March plan depending on if I can acquire insurance at that time.

It's definitely been a rollercoaster. I had a decent weekend (probably the best since she moved out), but there are still long periods of time where I just end up thinking about "what if..." and her. Great call on staying busy with my life as a means to not think about hers.
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post #83 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

On Monday night my STBXW texted me a simple "hi." That was it. I didn't respond and she didn't follow up with anything else since.

What possible reason could she have for doing that? My filled out paperwork should have arrived the next day and she knew that on Monday, so I just don't understand the contact. Was she just lonely? Is she still trying in the vain hope we can be friends?

Ugh, I'm actually doing pretty well all things considered but that definitely threw me for a loop.
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post #84 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 11:00 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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On Monday night my STBXW texted me a simple "hi." That was it. I didn't respond and she didn't follow up with anything else since.

What possible reason could she have for doing that? My filled out paperwork should have arrived the next day and she knew that on Monday, so I just don't understand the contact. Was she just lonely? Is she still trying in the vain hope we can be friends?

Ugh, I'm actually doing pretty well all things considered but that definitely threw me for a loop.
Her brain is a big vat of melted jello. You're wasting your brain trying to figure it out. I'm glad you didn't respond.

Get new health insurance, settle the remaining bills/cell phone issues and go on with your life.
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post #85 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 11:07 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
On Monday night my STBXW texted me a simple "hi." That was it. I didn't respond and she didn't follow up with anything else since.

What possible reason could she have for doing that? My filled out paperwork should have arrived the next day and she knew that on Monday, so I just don't understand the contact. Was she just lonely? Is she still trying in the vain hope we can be friends?

Ugh, I'm actually doing pretty well all things considered but that definitely threw me for a loop.
It's good you didn't text back. She was fishing is all, seeing if you'd respond and how you'd respond. Don't let it throw you for a loop, that's what she wants, you thinking about her/situation.


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post #86 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 12:04 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

You don't want to be divorced but you have no interest in finding out if she is having an affair with her friend? From the times she's in contact with him she obviously is in at least an EA. Your reaction to that is telling me you don't really want her back.
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post #87 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 05:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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It's good you didn't text back. She was fishing is all, seeing if you'd respond and how you'd respond. Don't let it throw you for a loop, that's what she wants, you thinking about her/situation.
I guess I just don't get fishing for a response at this point. She's been clear that she wants this and I've been clear that I can't be friends with her if this continues. It's just such a selfish thing to do—to make me think about her and wonder.

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You don't want to be divorced but you have no interest in finding out if she is having an affair with her friend? From the times she's in contact with him she obviously is in at least an EA. Your reaction to that is telling me you don't really want her back.
Yes, I can't imagine anyone talking to her that much without it being based at least on emotional attachment. Do I want her back at this point... yes, but I'm trying to focus on myself and not get caught up in whatever it is she has going on with him or anyone else. I guess I just don't see how exposing whatever it is would do anything for me anyway.
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post #88 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 08:25 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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I guess I just don't get fishing for a response at this point. She's been clear that she wants this and I've been clear that I can't be friends with her if this continues. It's just such a selfish thing to do—to make me think about her and wonder.



Yes, I can't imagine anyone talking to her that much without it being based at least on emotional attachment. Do I want her back at this point... yes, but I'm trying to focus on myself and not get caught up in whatever it is she has going on with him or anyone else. I guess I just don't see how exposing whatever it is would do anything for me anyway.
Have you been reading threads in the infidelity section? The purpose of investigating and exposure is to get out of infidelity. The purpose of getting out of infidelity is to reconcile or divorce.

I am not suggesting divorce is wrong when infidelity is involved but I would definitely want to know if my wife was having an affair with a friend.
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post #89 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 08:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Have you been reading threads in the infidelity section? The purpose of investigating and exposure is to get out of infidelity. The purpose of getting out of infidelity is to reconcile or divorce.

I am not suggesting divorce is wrong when infidelity is involved but I would definitely want to know if my wife was having an affair with a friend.
Yeah, I understand you; great points.

I would like to expose it if it's happening, but there's always the potential that I'm wrong. I think that's what worries me.

Incidentally, she texted me once again last night with a simple "hi." It's fishing, I get that now (thanks Honcho for pointing it out before). I'll probably need to just tell her that I'm okay and to please only text or call me if it's something about the divorce in order for that to stop. Even then, I've said that before and it doesn't stop her. Maybe ignoring is the best way to go.
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post #90 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

She's fishing and that will continue for a time. No response required and never answer her phone calls.

You should have her blocked on everything else . Once the divorce is final get a new phone number or block her on that too.

You'll be glad once you've moved on and detached completely

Last edited by Marc878; 01-22-2017 at 12:13 AM.
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