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post #91 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Yes, you need to ignore her. No response necessary.

As to why she's doing that, perhaps she's decided you're Plan B and she needs to keep you hooked on the line until she makes up her mind which way to go. There are people who continue to try to reel back in their ex-spouse long after the divorce (years even) whenever there's uncertainty in their lives. They need to know there's a fall-back for them. Don't be that for her. Move on.

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post #92 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Yes, you need to ignore her. No response necessary.

As to why she's doing that, perhaps she's decided you're Plan B and she needs to keep you hooked on the line until she makes up her mind which way to go. There are people who continue to try to reel back in their ex-spouse long after the divorce (years even) whenever there's uncertainty in their lives. They need to know there's a fall-back for them. Don't be that for her. Move on.
Yeah, it sure seems that I might be plan B. She called me 6 times in a row last night. I didn't pick up a single time and she didn't leave a message. Not sure what to make of it.

I'm doing my best to focus on my career and keeping myself busy. It's been going pretty well, but those calls definitely threw me. I guess I'll just have to expect this kind of thing for a while.
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post #93 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

stay strong. GP stay strong....i smell the "friend zone" and your dead in the water if you land there...you are not there to support her and help her get over you and on too someone else.
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post #94 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 08:21 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Yeah, it sure seems that I might be plan B. She called me 6 times in a row last night. I didn't pick up a single time and she didn't leave a message. Not sure what to make of it.

I'm doing my best to focus on my career and keeping myself busy. It's been going pretty well, but those calls definitely threw me. I guess I'll just have to expect this kind of thing for a while.
Part of the allure of cheating or even leaving someone, sometimes, is to know that the person you've hurt still wants you.
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post #95 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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stay strong. GP stay strong....i smell the "friend zone" and your dead in the water if you land there...you are not there to support her and help her get over you and on too someone else.
I think you're right.

But man, this crap is tough to deal with. She texted me Saturday night, then again last night and then proceeded to call me four times with a follow up text (after I didn't answer) that said, "Please call me."

I don't really know what to do. If it were serious or divorce related she would have just come out and said what was going on or what she needed as she has in the past. Do I just ignore her? Send a short, terse email saying something to the effect of, "Papers are filed, so if this isn't about the divorce then you need to please respect my wishes to not have contact."

I just stupidly assumed that she wouldn't do this, that some thread of respect or care for me might still exist and she would listen when I said we couldn't be friends. I guess I was wrong.
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post #96 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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I think you're right.

But man, this crap is tough to deal with. She texted me Saturday night, then again last night and then proceeded to call me four times with a follow up text (after I didn't answer) that said, "Please call me."

I don't really know what to do. If it were serious or divorce related she would have just come out and said what was going on or what she needed as she has in the past. Do I just ignore her? Send a short, terse email saying something to the effect of, "Papers are filed, so if this isn't about the divorce then you need to please respect my wishes to not have contact."
My suggestion would be to do the above. That way you have stated your boundary, so she will have no excuse to cross it.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #97 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

GP,

i know i will get yelled out for this one, and i realize i am generalizing so let me make this specific to your situation...i suspect that your ex, like the bad boy type (think charlie sheen), but she probably wants the nice guy (you) to run too when she is get rejected by the bad boy....
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post #98 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 06:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

She texted again today but this time to say she wanted to talk about dividing up the car and health insurance and cellphone plans. I find this hilarious/infuriating because we had this conversation a month ago! She said I was scheduled to go off the health insurance in mid-March and I said that it made sense to keep things the same until then. A clear line of demarcation.

Now, after two weeks of sending texts that say "hi" or questioning why I look at her Instagrams but won't respond to those texts and calling me repeatedly on two occasions, she suddenly claims that she wants to talk about something we already discussed.

I told her about how in our state health insurance is technically supposed to stay on for 6 months after the divorce is final, but that I'd waive that if she wants and take her off the car insurance whenever she's ready. She responded that we can keep everything as is and that she assumed I just wanted to be done. Like, WTF is this crap???

I've given her total control over the entire situation and agreed to do these final steps whenever she needed/wanted. And somehow, I'm the guy that's wanted to be 'done?'

This feels like just another manipulation. At any point in the past two weeks she could have come out and said she wanted to talk about changing these things (despite us having already discussed it) and gotten a swift response. She knows this because every time she's been direct about needing something for the divorce, I've responded immediately; true to my word.

Ugh, this is just baffling to me at this point. Is this just her being dishonest and using the illusion of needing to discuss these matters just so she can have some form of contact with me? I feel like she's now using the divorce as a means to keep me on the hook in terms of communication, which is really messed up.

I'm getting my own cellphone plan this weekend. It sucks with the health insurance because I'm not sure I can even get my own at this point in the calendar year so I'd prefer to just stay insured during this, but I don't want it serving as an open invitation for contact either. Any advice is much appreciated.
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post #99 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 06:13 AM
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Mixed signals and false starts

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Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
She texted again today but this time to say she wanted to talk about dividing up the car and health insurance and cellphone plans. I find this hilarious/infuriating because we had this conversation a month ago! She said I was scheduled to go off the health insurance in mid-March and I said that it made sense to keep things the same until then. A clear line of demarcation.



Now, after two weeks of sending texts that say "hi" or questioning why I look at her Instagrams but won't respond to those texts and calling me repeatedly on two occasions, she suddenly claims that she wants to talk about something we already discussed.



I told her about how in our state health insurance is technically supposed to stay on for 6 months after the divorce is final, but that I'd waive that if she wants and take her off the car insurance whenever she's ready. She responded that we can keep everything as is and that she assumed I just wanted to be done. Like, WTF is this crap???



I've given her total control over the entire situation and agreed to do these final steps whenever she needed/wanted. And somehow, I'm the guy that's wanted to be 'done?'



This feels like just another manipulation. At any point in the past two weeks she could have come out and said she wanted to talk about changing these things (despite us having already discussed it) and gotten a swift response. She knows this because every time she's been direct about needing something for the divorce, I've responded immediately; true to my word.



Ugh, this is just baffling to me at this point. Is this just her being dishonest and using the illusion of needing to discuss these matters just so she can have some form of contact with me? I feel like she's now using the divorce as a means to keep me on the hook in terms of communication, which is really messed up.



I'm getting my own cellphone plan this weekend. It sucks with the health insurance because I'm not sure I can even get my own at this point in the calendar year so I'd prefer to just stay insured during this, but I don't want it serving as an open invitation for contact either. Any advice is much appreciated.


Don't drop the health insurance. After the divorce you can figure it out. You can even stay with same plan via cobra. It's expensive but better than no insurance

Btw, stop giving her total control and you won't be complaining she is manipulating you.
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post #100 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:04 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

"we had this conversation on (date)."
"the plan hasn't changed since then. "
"there's no further need to discuss this."


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #101 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 05:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Don't drop the health insurance. After the divorce you can figure it out. You can even stay with same plan via cobra. It's expensive but better than no insurance

Btw, stop giving her total control and you won't be complaining she is manipulating you.
Good advice. I guess I don't know how to not give her some of the control. I'm on her health insurance and I want this to be as uncontentious as possible. But yeah, you're right, I should just take control of what I can and not factor in her feelings or wants at all unless it's absolutely necessary.

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"we had this conversation on (date)."
"the plan hasn't changed since then. "
"there's no further need to discuss this."
Yeah, I've drafted an email that basically says this exactly.

Today is by far the worst day I've had with this in a while. I need to figure out something I can do to take my mind off it but I'm not sure what that is.

I was doing so much better prior to the past two weeks. But her texts and now claiming we need to talk about this again... she knows exactly how to mess me up. I just don't get it. I'm a good person and even if things didn't work out I would have thought she could have handled this with professionalism and respect.

Is this just how these things go? Even after we sort this out should I expect efforts by her to talk to me? And if so, how do I stop it? Do I just have to become an a$$ about it in order for it to stop? Is that what she wants—for me to become the bad guy?

It's affecting me in other ways now too. I had a meeting yesterday about something I've written and was so frazzled that I think I signed an unfair agreement. Divorce... wow does it suck.
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post #102 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:52 PM
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Mixed signals and false starts

You are divorcing. What with the uncontentious crap?

Jeez. She is the one that wants the divorce and you are worried she might think you are the bad guy? Wth!
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post #103 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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You are divorcing. What with the uncontentious crap?

Jeez. She is the one that wants the divorce and you are worried she might think you are the bad guy? Wth!
It's more selfish than I'm probably getting across. I don't want to let her make me the bad guy so she can play victim and say, "See, this is why I had to leave him." I don't want to give her that privilege and an easy way to rationalize this.
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post #104 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 11:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Welp, I finally signed up for my own cell plan today. Did not go smoothly at all.

Since I'm on her plan, I needed her pin to change my line to the new carrier and keep my number. I didn't have it, tried to call her, no answer, sent a text. Sat in Sprint store for 20 minutes and just when I was going to get a new temp number she texted it back to me.

Get all the way through the process and it turns out my phone is locked and only she can authorize an unlock. Call again, no answer. The rep, probably doing something on so kosher, calls AT&T and acts like her to help me out. It works, to a point, but now they have to do an investigation to see if my phone can be unlocked. That won't conclude until at least February 7th and I'm without any phone use in the meantime.

So, I got home and sent her an email telling her what had happened and that she's going to get an email on the 7th form AT&T with info about whether or not my phone is unlocked and to please let me know what they say. I went on to tell her that we should keep both insurances (car and health) as is during the process.

Lastly, I said that texts like "hi", ones asking why I look at her Instagrams and don't respond to texts and calls with no messages have to stop and that she needs to be direct and keep it to talk of divorce or the possibility of reconciliation.

She responded that her cost to keep me on insurance is $200/month and her understanding is that car insurance is $100/month for her and asked if I could transfer her $100/month to make it equal.

It's a reasonable request, but I just hate how she goes from trying to talk about this, backing off on Thursday to the point where she said we could keep things as they are, to today asking for the difference. All while she continues to use her free membership to the yoga company I work for; roughly $120/month that she's saving.

I responded that I would transfer her $100/month in the interim and look for my own insurance in the meantime (it would probably be cheaper for me). But man, I'm an idiot guys, I ended the e-mail with, "I miss you."

I know, I know, I'm so stupid for doing that. I hadn't said that to her in months but I just feel really down today with all these remaining tethers getting severed. I thought I was doing pretty well, but I know now that I have a long way to go.
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post #105 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 11:48 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

You can't detach is your problem to fix. She's told you and shown you that she's gone.

All your sliver of hope does is keep you where you are. Let it go. Like she has.

You'll be fine
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