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post #106 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 07:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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You can't detach is your problem to fix. She's told you and shown you that she's gone.

All your sliver of hope does is keep you where you are. Let it go. Like she has.

You'll be fine
Yeah, I've been a fool most of the time, holding to hope where none really existed. That's partly her fault for saying she might consider therapy and that she had six months once the divorce was filed to change her mind, but at this point it's over.

Dealing with the financial realities is harder. I'm not sure how I can swing it presently so I'll need to make major life changes in the very near future.

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post #107 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

So I saw my therapist last night, and he recommended that I set up a face to face meeting with her as a means of closure.

What is everyone's thoughts on this? I still feel love for her and I'm pretty frazzled by her telling me she missed me so I don't think I could do it for a while.

But in general, does this seem like a good idea? I guess I'm just worried about managing my expectations knowing how I feel.
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post #108 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Honestly, I dont see the point of this. All this would do is make you look weak, and give her opportunity to try and manipulate you. You just need to give yourself some time to move toward acceptance that this is done, remind yourself of the bullsh!t she has put you through.

I say dont do it.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #109 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

GP,

just for clarification what does your therapist suggest is your approach in meeting face to face...what are your talking points...closure is just a word...and it means nothing to someone who is constantly stringing you along.
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post #110 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

I think you have given your STBX more than enough chances to come around and that she is an emotional vampire sucking you dry.

But, if you feel you absolutely have to do this meeting face to face, I would keep it simple. "Is divorce really what you want? I don't want to play games. Honestly, this is not what I want, but if divorce is what you think you need, I will give it to you. I just hope you realize that we are not going to be friends in the future, and if it is up to me, when the judge closes the book on us, I hope to never see or hear from you again, ever."

If she says yes to the D, then give her what she says she wants and follow through on your promise. Get the D done as quickly as you can, to your best advantage, and go black hole on her.
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post #111 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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Honestly, I dont see the point of this. All this would do is make you look weak, and give her opportunity to try and manipulate you. You just need to give yourself some time to move toward acceptance that this is done, remind yourself of the bullsh!t she has put you through.

I say dont do it.
That was my reaction as well; at least not until I'm able to go into it with as little expectation as possible.

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GP,

just for clarification what does your therapist suggest is your approach in meeting face to face...what are your talking points...closure is just a word...and it means nothing to someone who is constantly stringing you along.
He suggested that I send an email clearly outlining what the meeting would be about as a means to take control. He said I should admit that initially I wanted to meet as a means to get her back, but that now I would just want to talk for us to get anything off our chests we still might have.

He did advise that I tell her I still love her but that I respect her decision and just want the opportunity to make sure she's okay, find out about how we're both doing and then move forward.

I don't know... I'm mixed. It might help but it could possibly really hurt. I'm not even sure she would agree to it anyway.
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post #112 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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That was my reaction as well; at least not until I'm able to go into it with as little expectation as possible.



He suggested that I send an email clearly outlining what the meeting would be about as a means to take control. He said I should admit that initially I wanted to meet as a means to get her back, but that now I would just want to talk for us to get anything off our chests we still might have.

He did advise that I tell her I still love her but that I respect her decision and just want the opportunity to make sure she's okay, find out about how we're both doing and then move forward.

I don't know... I'm mixed. It might help but it could possibly really hurt. I'm not even sure she would agree to it anyway.
I am not an expert by any means, but GP, this just smells like a train wreck and the only person i see getting hurt is you....my father was a psychiatrist, and he shared many, many thoughts on human behavior...and one thing that stands out even today pertains in general to this...we were going to the museum of art in Boston one day, and as we were walking around I had just been through a break up and i was feeling bummed out and my father was realizing this and we stood in one of the salon and he pointed out a couple and asked me are they happy? i was puzzled why he asked me that, then he said which one of those two has all the power in the relationship?
and again i was sure what he was talking about...he asked me look and watch the body language and how they interacted with each other, she went for holding his hand and he pushed it away, they moved together but apart, when ever she tried to grab his arm, he relented but only for a minute and moved away...my father said that couple will probably in the not to distant future and it will be she that will be devastated because he holds the power, no relationship is ever 50/50 someone is more invest in that relationship than is the other....and not always the same person at the same time. Right now she has the power over you, sitting with her, you would be like a man entering a shoot out with no weapons....you still building that armor you will need.
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post #113 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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I am not an expert by any means, but GP, this just smells like a train wreck and the only person i see getting hurt is you....my father was a psychiatrist, and he shared many, many thoughts on human behavior...and one thing that stands out even today pertains in general to this...we were going to the museum of art in Boston one day, and as we were walking around I had just been through a break up and i was feeling bummed out and my father was realizing this and we stood in one of the salon and he pointed out a couple and asked me are they happy? i was puzzled why he asked me that, then he said which one of those two has all the power in the relationship?
and again i was sure what he was talking about...he asked me look and watch the body language and how they interacted with each other, she went for holding his hand and he pushed it away, they moved together but apart, when ever she tried to grab his arm, he relented but only for a minute and moved away...my father said that couple will probably in the not to distant future and it will be she that will be devastated because he holds the power, no relationship is ever 50/50 someone is more invest in that relationship than is the other....and not always the same person at the same time. Right now she has the power over you, sitting with her, you would be like a man entering a shoot out with no weapons....you still building that armor you will need.
Awesome advice. Yes, I absolutely need to acquire more armor before anything like this happens.

At some point, I could see it being advantageous, but not when I'm still under so much of her control.

On the plus side, I'm a finalist for a new job and optioned a TV show I created so things are looking positive in some regards. Gotta focus on that.
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post #114 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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T

He suggested that I send an email clearly outlining what the meeting would be about as a means to take control. He said I should admit that initially I wanted to meet as a means to get her back, but that now I would just want to talk for us to get anything off our chests we still might have.

He did advise that I tell her I still love her but that I respect her decision and just want the opportunity to make sure she's okay, find out about how we're both doing and then move forward.

I don't know... I'm mixed. It might help but it could possibly really hurt. I'm not even sure she would agree to it anyway.
Again, this sounds very weak to me.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #115 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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On the plus side, I'm a finalist for a new job and optioned a TV show I created so things are looking positive in some regards. Gotta focus on that.
Congrats. Now... Pour all your effort into this.

I'm sure you like your counselor but quite frankly he is full of $hit on "closure". Closure occurs when Golfpanther finds a new life.

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post #116 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

What it boils down to is you keep trying to play the pick me dance with your wife that is an an emotional affair with another man. I say that because that is what explains everything she is doing. She is picking the stronger male. It's very obvious. Which of your friends are calling/texting you at 3,4 , 5am.
The only thing curious about this is you have no will to talk to "friends" wife and find out what is going on there. It's also curious that you have no anger after all these months after being blatantly disrespected. Are you a really timid person?

Google NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY free download. There is something drastically wrong the way you are reacting to this situation.
It's like you're sleep walking. No passion one way or the other.

Have you googled signs my wife is cheating and gone down the checklist?
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post #117 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 05:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

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What it boils down to is you keep trying to play the pick me dance with your wife that is an an emotional affair with another man. I say that because that is what explains everything she is doing. She is picking the stronger male. It's very obvious. Which of your friends are calling/texting you at 3,4 , 5am.
The only thing curious about this is you have no will to talk to "friends" wife and find out what is going on there. It's also curious that you have no anger after all these months after being blatantly disrespected. Are you a really timid person?

Google NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY free download. There is something drastically wrong the way you are reacting to this situation.
It's like you're sleep walking. No passion one way or the other.

Have you googled signs my wife is cheating and gone down the checklist?
Yes, you're right. In general, I'm not a timid person. In fact, I used to get angry all the time and it was a problem in our relationship. I worked on it and found other ways to express myself.

However, and though I might not convey it here, there have been plenty of times where I've wanted to flip out on her, tear her down, call her names and all that. I haven't in part because I know that's emblematic of the person I used to be (roughly 3-4 years ago) and it would give her ample reasons for this to be the "right choice." Whatever the hell that means.

But even today, part of me wants to call her up and destroy her world or expose what is likely an emotional affair. I have seriously considered contacting the wife of the guy and just saying something like, "While it's great he's there for her so much, I do find it odd that he's talking to her at 3am rather than being in bed next to you."

I'm sure something is there, at least an emotional affair. The guys a freaking troll too and a lot older than her. She'd have to be pretty f$#%ing stupid to get involved with him.

I'll check out No More Mr. Nice Guy. Thanks for the advice.
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post #118 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:28 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

You're too weak to handle a confrontation. Fix yourself first.
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post #119 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Logistics question pertaining to divorce: my case is listed as "pending" on the court's online database and the only two forms listed as filed are her Petition and Summons.

I was served a little over a month ago and sent them back to her about 9 days later per her instructions. In our state, you have 60 days to file the rest of your paperwork after the initial filing.

That was 54 days ago so it's fast approaching. Is it possible the other forms have been turned in but that the site hasn't updated yet (for reference, it showed her Petition and Summons just 2 days after she filed)? Are the forms maybe being reviewed before they're posted?

I realize that this might be beyond the scope of this site, but I'm trying to figure out if I should check with the courthouse and then with my STBXW about this if to see if something is amiss or she's failed to turn in the necessary documents.

Thanks in advance for any insight!
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post #120 of 136 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 10:13 PM
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Re: Mixed signals and false starts

You had best go down to the courthouse right away and file that response with the court. Talk to the clerk and do what they tell you.

At least that way she can't obtain a default judgment on you and jerk you around.
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