Mixed signals and false starts - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 132Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #121 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 02:38 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tron View Post
You had best go down to the courthouse right away and file that response with the court. Talk to the clerk and do what they tell you.

At least that way she can't obtain a default judgment on you and jerk you around.
Yeah, I'm going to go there Wednesday, work permitting.

I just don't get it. We agreed on everything (not a ton of shared assets, no kids etc. made that easy) so there's no reason for her to not have turned in the remaining paperwork.

golfpanther is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #122 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:17 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

So, after doing more digging it seems like that the 60 day rule isn't actively enforced. Strange that it would even be considered a rule then. I'm sure she knows this too. I haven't made it to the courthouse to know for certain if she hasn't turned it in, but I can't imagine the court's database would be this slow to update.

It puts me in such a crappy situation. I still want the opportunity to reconcile, but at the same time I can't just sit around and wait for her to actually turn the paperwork in (for reference, it's been slightly over a month since she received my paperwork back per the instructions I received). I'm sure some would tell me to file the response and rest of it on my own, but I don't have the originals anymore because I sent those back to her.

Is this yet another manipulation? I can't imagine that anything would make her too busy to do this; it's the most important thing going on in her life hands down, even if she has started with someone new. Hell, even more so if she has, no guy wants to be starting a relationship with a married woman who refuses to finalize her divorce.

I have to reach out to her sometime soon anyway to talk about doing our taxes, but f$%@, if she hasn't turned in the stuff I will be so pissed because it'll be obvious that she once again wants me to push her into doing it.
golfpanther is offline  
post #123 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 03:20 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Welp, she turned them in last Friday; the last possible day she could do it before the 60 days were up (60 days would have been Sunday). Part of me regrets not responding to her texts and/or picking up her phone calls at the beginning of the month, but the logical side of me says that she was probably just looking for a push from me to do it or making one last effort to convince me to be her friend. She clearly had reservations up to the last minute because she waited almost an entire month after I sent them to her to file the rest of the papers.

I checked the phone records one last time and at midnight the night before she had a 108 minute call with a new number, but who knows if one of the random numbers texting her all this time was this person using a VoiP line. I found the owner and it's a guy; he's a bit older than me and laughably is in the same industry (with less success). Everyone was right; I was plan B until something came along to make this easier/safer for her. I just don't get how she could go for someone that does the same things I do. I will run, fast, from anyone that has the same career as her.

I just found out so this is really fresh and I'm a weird mixture of anger, sadness, anxiety and somewhere in there, relief. Not that I'm actually getting divorced and have a clear date ahead of me when that's going to happen, but that maybe, just maybe, the rollercoaster is over and I can move forward without wondering if there's something I can do to fix this.

One thing that really, REALLY f@$#ing pisses me off is that she didn't have the decency to tell me. It's been four full days and not a peep. I get that maybe the first couple days she might have been reeling too and sorting through her own emotions, but by Monday, come on, tell me; I deserve to know when I'm officially divorced.

I guess I'm looking for advice on where to go from here. I've been doing better, not great, but baby steps. I found a new place to live over the weekend that will relieve a ton of financial stress and things are progressing nicely thus far with the tv idea I optioned. I have had no real desire to date bit I guess this could accelerate that.

How did anyone else on here cope/find healthy ways to move forward when finality came after things being dragged out?

Lastly, in the interest of being prepared, and this might not happen at all, what would anyone's advice be if at some point between now and August 17th (or even after the divorce is decreed) she shows interest in talking about us and/or possibly working on things? I'm not even sure how I'd feel if that came to pass, but it does seem like a lot of posters on this board experience some form of this. I'd imagine if things don't go well with this new guy that she'll probably reach out. I guess I would need to clarify my own feelings and right now, yeah, I'd probably be open to it.

Gosh, this really sucks. I feel like a fool—a fool for allowing myself to be treated so poorly for the past nearly six months by someone that once upon a time, loved me more than anyone. All the contact, all the perceived mixed signals, were really just her seeking edification for the decision she'd made. I was a puppet on a string that was there to play with whenever she needed, and then when I stopped letting her, she finally just did it.

Oh well, I'm mostly just rambling now but it hurts. She'll probably be pregnant within the year or at some point try to get me back. Either way, I'm gonna be getting a punch to the gut at some point.

Thanks to everyone that helped me to this point.

Last edited by golfpanther; 02-22-2017 at 03:28 AM.
golfpanther is offline  
 
post #124 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 05:08 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,593
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Like most things in life, YOU have to take responsibility that things get done, that people are chased up constantly, etc.

Don't rely on your stbx to do her part. Unless she proactively tells you "I did X" and you can verify it, assume it's not done.

Show that you will not tolerate childish, passive-aggressive games by being independently in action and prepared.

Work be damned, honestly. There won't be a mushroom cloud because you went to the courthouse. This is your life and your future. You need to take 100% responsibility and investment in its direction.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #125 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Like most things in life, YOU have to take responsibility that things get done, that people are chased up constantly, etc.

Don't rely on your stbx to do her part. Unless she proactively tells you "I did X" and you can verify it, assume it's not done.

Show that you will not tolerate childish, passive-aggressive games by being independently in action and prepared.

Work be damned, honestly. There won't be a mushroom cloud because you went to the courthouse. This is your life and your future. You need to take 100% responsibility and investment in its direction.
Yeah, I'm trying to take 100% responsibility for myself and just move on. It's gonna be a bit longer before I'm totally there, but I've come a long way from nearly 6 months ago.

She's done it according to the court's website so I see no point in going to the courthouse now. I'm just profoundly disappointed and pissed off by the fact she didn't have the decency to tell me.

I guess I just have to wish her the best with the new relationship and let go of all feelings associated with her.
golfpanther is offline  
post #126 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 10:54 AM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 6,075
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post

Lastly, in the interest of being prepared, and this might not happen at all, what would anyone's advice be if at some point between now and August 17th (or even after the divorce is decreed) she shows interest in talking about us and/or possibly working on things? I'm not even sure how I'd feel if that came to pass, but it does seem like a lot of posters on this board experience some form of this. I'd imagine if things don't go well with this new guy that she'll probably reach out. I guess I would need to clarify my own feelings and right now, yeah, I'd probably be open to it.

Gosh, this really sucks. I feel like a fool—a fool for allowing myself to be treated so poorly for the past nearly six months by someone that once upon a time, loved me more than anyone. All the contact, all the perceived mixed signals, were really just her seeking edification for the decision she'd made. I was a puppet on a string that was there to play with whenever she needed, and then when I stopped letting her, she finally just did it.

Oh well, I'm mostly just rambling now but it hurts. She'll probably be pregnant within the year or at some point try to get me back. Either way, I'm gonna be getting a punch to the gut at some point.

Thanks to everyone that helped me to this point.
If she comes sniffing back around to try and get you back, remember the crappy way she has treated you and tell her to piss off. Why would you want to give another chance to someone who has done this to you? You deserve better.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #127 of 145 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quick update.

My STBXW still has not told me that she turned in the rest of the paperwork. It's been two and a half weeks and frankly, I'm shocked, disappointed, angry and hurt. I guess I shouldn't be given her penchant for avoidance, but it seems like not only the decent thing to do, but the responsible thing as well.

I found a new place to live and will be moving in over the next few weeks. It's brought up a lot of emotions. In general, I'm doing much better but I still wake up with an anxious feeling and get triggered daily.

No communication at all with her since I sent my email the day after Valentine's Day (which she didn't respond to) and it's been a month since we both said we missed one another. I'm working on acceptance, but it's been tough.

Still have to file taxes, but I'm holding off on emailing her about that until I get settled into my new place. Hopefully, she doesn't file taxes on her own in the meantime thinking that's allowed.

My therapist suggested I start making memories with someone new. How did the rest of you out there that have gone through this know when you're ready to do that?
golfpanther is offline  
post #128 of 145 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:29 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,304
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
Quick update.



My STBXW still has not told me that she turned in the rest of the paperwork. It's been two and a half weeks and frankly, I'm shocked, disappointed, angry and hurt. I guess I shouldn't be given her penchant for avoidance, but it seems like not only the decent thing to do, but the responsible thing as well.



I found a new place to live and will be moving in over the next few weeks. It's brought up a lot of emotions. In general, I'm doing much better but I still wake up with an anxious feeling and get triggered daily.



No communication at all with her since I sent my email the day after Valentine's Day (which she didn't respond to) and it's been a month since we both said we missed one another. I'm working on acceptance, but it's been tough.



Still have to file taxes, but I'm holding off on emailing her about that until I get settled into my new place. Hopefully, she doesn't file taxes on her own in the meantime thinking that's allowed.



My therapist suggested I start making memories with someone new. How did the rest of you out there that have gone through this know when you're ready to do that?


She can do married filing separately, right?
225985 is offline  
post #129 of 145 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:09 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 94
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

follow don't ask don't tell policy. who knows after testing her plan A she might decide plan B is better. Then you can surprise her
curious234 is offline  
post #130 of 145 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:17 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 47
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
Quick update.

My STBXW still has not told me that she turned in the rest of the paperwork. It's been two and a half weeks and frankly, I'm shocked, disappointed, angry and hurt. I guess I shouldn't be given her penchant for avoidance, but it seems like not only the decent thing to do, but the responsible thing as well.

I found a new place to live and will be moving in over the next few weeks. It's brought up a lot of emotions. In general, I'm doing much better but I still wake up with an anxious feeling and get triggered daily.

No communication at all with her since I sent my email the day after Valentine's Day (which she didn't respond to) and it's been a month since we both said we missed one another. I'm working on acceptance, but it's been tough.

Still have to file taxes, but I'm holding off on emailing her about that until I get settled into my new place. Hopefully, she doesn't file taxes on her own in the meantime thinking that's allowed.

My therapist suggested I start making memories with someone new. How did the rest of you out there that have gone through this know when you're ready to do that?
I havent read all of your thread but sounds like you ex spouse wasn't very considerate, to say the very least.

I know that anxious feeling every morning. It goes away, I promise. I found music helped me during that time of my life (And this was maybe 8 months ago for me). I also found this amazing - non-mindful task (There are papers with a bunch of numbers with dots - lets say upto 600 or something - I would just connect them) every time I get triggered. A friend of mine did kickboxing to help her.

I found it particularly hard to focus on work - my work requires me to really be there. For eg. I would read treatment options for a disease and then have no recollection of it and have to read it all over again. I'm better at this but it still worries.

I also made some brand new friends - friends that had nothing to do with my past life - that really helped. I focused my energy on getting to know them. This was fairly easy - I just joined a meet up group.

Acceptance is hard, I am not sure I am there yet, but the intensity of feelings get better with time. I think the sooner you get done with paperwork, the better. I found that I was able to sort of move along in life (with some bad days in between) as I was waiting to file. Now that I am in the middle of the process and it is sort of front and centre in my life - its hard not to think about it, get upset and feel those emotions again. I recommend moving forward with final divorce as soon as you are able. I also recommend as little communication as possible. If filing separately doesn't make you lose too much in terms of $$, I would do that. Lack of contact, I found, is one of the best catalysts as you move forward.

I guess different people are different in terms of when they are ready to be out there again. I have always dated seriously. As in, if I walked into a relationship with someone it was ultimately to settle down. Post separation, this has been troublesome. Because you are likely not ready to be in a serious relationship. I still don't feel I am there. I don't build castles and dreams anymore. Not sure if I ever will. Regardless, I found that going on a date or two every now and then did help with my self esteem. It made me feel desirable for lack of a better term. And it made me feel like I could still be on the market.

Men however work differently, so maybe you feel differently based on your gender and age. Good luck, hope you are feeling better everyday.

Mucc is offline  
post #131 of 145 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:44 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mucc View Post
I havent read all of your thread but sounds like you ex spouse wasn't very considerate, to say the very least.

I know that anxious feeling every morning. It goes away, I promise. I found music helped me during that time of my life (And this was maybe 8 months ago for me). I also found this amazing - non-mindful task (There are papers with a bunch of numbers with dots - lets say upto 600 or something - I would just connect them) every time I get triggered. A friend of mine did kickboxing to help her.

I found it particularly hard to focus on work - my work requires me to really be there. For eg. I would read treatment options for a disease and then have no recollection of it and have to read it all over again. I'm better at this but it still worries.

I also made some brand new friends - friends that had nothing to do with my past life - that really helped. I focused my energy on getting to know them. This was fairly easy - I just joined a meet up group.

Acceptance is hard, I am not sure I am there yet, but the intensity of feelings get better with time. I think the sooner you get done with paperwork, the better. I found that I was able to sort of move along in life (with some bad days in between) as I was waiting to file. Now that I am in the middle of the process and it is sort of front and centre in my life - its hard not to think about it, get upset and feel those emotions again. I recommend moving forward with final divorce as soon as you are able. I also recommend as little communication as possible. If filing separately doesn't make you lose too much in terms of $$, I would do that. Lack of contact, I found, is one of the best catalysts as you move forward.

I guess different people are different in terms of when they are ready to be out there again. I have always dated seriously. As in, if I walked into a relationship with someone it was ultimately to settle down. Post separation, this has been troublesome. Because you are likely not ready to be in a serious relationship. I still don't feel I am there. I don't build castles and dreams anymore. Not sure if I ever will. Regardless, I found that going on a date or two every now and then did help with my self esteem. It made me feel desirable for lack of a better term. And it made me feel like I could still be on the market.

Men however work differently, so maybe you feel differently based on your gender and age. Good luck, hope you are feeling better everyday.
Thanks so much for your reply. It helps to hear from people that are further along on this journey.

Good call about the Meet Up group. I used to be a part of a few so I could return to those in addition to finding some new ones.

I've been doing okay with work. At first it was kind of a haven because it allowed me to focus on something other than my sadness. It's less of that now, but I've still managed to keep up with everything, thank goodness. A job loss at this time would be pretty crummy.

Some hurt tonight as she unfriended me on Facebook and unfollowed me on Instagram.

Also, to add fuel to the fire that her and her coworker were involved... he unfriended me at almost the exact same time so it seems coordinated. In addition, he changed his relationship status from married (with his wife's name) to "no relationship info to show. His wife also changed hers to married and removed his name from it and deleted all but one photo of the two of them together; there used to be hundreds. Where there's smoke there's fire and all that.

Going on a date for self esteem could be good, but like you I've always dated to be serious, or at least entertain the possibility. That complicates things a bit. Part of me wants to go the casual route and be really up front and honest about that with women I date, but the other part wonders if I'm capable of that. Guess there's only one way to find out.

I'm still fairly young (so everyone tells me anyway) and have kept myself in shape over the years. Thanks for the well wishes and I hope you're feeling better too.
golfpanther is offline  
post #132 of 145 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:40 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 47
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
Thanks so much for your reply. It helps to hear from people that are further along on this journey.

Good call about the Meet Up group. I used to be a part of a few so I could return to those in addition to finding some new ones.

I've been doing okay with work. At first it was kind of a haven because it allowed me to focus on something other than my sadness. It's less of that now, but I've still managed to keep up with everything, thank goodness. A job loss at this time would be pretty crummy.

Some hurt tonight as she unfriended me on Facebook and unfollowed me on Instagram.

Also, to add fuel to the fire that her and her coworker were involved... he unfriended me at almost the exact same time so it seems coordinated. In addition, he changed his relationship status from married (with his wife's name) to "no relationship info to show. His wife also changed hers to married and removed his name from it and deleted all but one photo of the two of them together; there used to be hundreds. Where there's smoke there's fire and all that.

Going on a date for self esteem could be good, but like you I've always dated to be serious, or at least entertain the possibility. That complicates things a bit. Part of me wants to go the casual route and be really up front and honest about that with women I date, but the other part wonders if I'm capable of that. Guess there's only one way to find out.

I'm still fairly young (so everyone tells me anyway) and have kept myself in shape over the years. Thanks for the well wishes and I hope you're feeling better too.
I don't know if I am further along journey, but I have been through some parts. I am often a mess though.

I would say its somewhat of a good thing that she has unfriended you from social media. Again, the less you find out the better/easier to move on. Try to not stalk them on social media. Tell your common friends (if you have any) to not give you updates about what she is upto etc.

I know curiosity dictates we find out whats up with them, but I was better off when I had no idea. Now that divorce proceedings gives me some info - it sort of feels I am back in the roller coaster.

People say over time stuff gets better. I certainly hope so. If you are quite young, then there is lots of time to find a new mate. So no rush to date if you don't feel upto it. Sometimes you can dip your feet in the water and go back on the land if it feels too cold.

I have shifted my focus on my career and taking it in new directions. And that has helped - because its fairly linear - I put in work - I get results. So continue doing well at your job.
Mucc is offline  
post #133 of 145 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

A quick update for those interested.

I moved into a new place about a week and a half ago. Immediately went on a work trip for a week so only the past few nights have been in the new space. Some relief that I'm out of the old apartment, but I've definitely been experiencing longing for my STBXW.

Outside of one email last week from her asking if she could pick up a package she mistakenly sent to our old address, we have had no contact since early February. It's mostly been good, as it was terribly draining every time she initiated, but I really do miss her. Not telling her that, but while it's gotten easier it's still hard.

I've had some good progress with the show I optioned and things will hopefully really get moving in April. My 9-5 has ramped up my responsibilities, which is good because now I feel like I have more job security.

I've used some of the online dating apps and gotten a pretty good response, but still haven't found the courage to actually meet up with someone in person. I'm probably going to end up relying on meeting some face to face first but it's a nice confidence boost to know interest is there.

Hope everyone else is doing well.
golfpanther is offline  
post #134 of 145 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 06:20 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Deep South
Posts: 364
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
A quick update for those interested.

I moved into a new place about a week and a half ago. Immediately went on a work trip for a week so only the past few nights have been in the new space. Some relief that I'm out of the old apartment, but I've definitely been experiencing longing for my STBXW.

This will happen for awhile.

Outside of one email last week from her asking if she could pick up a package she mistakenly sent to our old address, we have had no contact since early February. It's mostly been good, as it was terribly draining every time she initiated, but I really do miss her. Not telling her that, but while it's gotten easier it's still hard.

We know it's hard. Golfpanther I have been the friend and mentor to several men in your shoes. This will take.... time.

I've had some good progress with the show I optioned and things will hopefully really get moving in April. My 9-5 has ramped up my responsibilities, which is good because now I feel like I have more job security.

Congrats

I've used some of the online dating apps and gotten a pretty good response, but still haven't found the courage to actually meet up with someone in person. I'm probably going to end up relying on meeting some face to face first but it's a nice confidence boost to know interest is there.

Just go out and meet some women. Go have coffee or a libation. It will become more natural.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Golfpanther - scroll down to the thread started by MrPack. It's a long read and will take you some time. He was where you were. Watch his transformation. This can be you.
Absurdist is offline  
post #135 of 145 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:35 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: SouthWest
Posts: 528
Re: Mixed signals and false starts

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
A quick update for those interested.

I moved into a new place about a week and a half ago. Immediately went on a work trip for a week so only the past few nights have been in the new space. Some relief that I'm out of the old apartment, but I've definitely been experiencing longing for my STBXW.

Outside of one email last week from her asking if she could pick up a package she mistakenly sent to our old address, we have had no contact since early February. It's mostly been good, as it was terribly draining every time she initiated, but I really do miss her. Not telling her that, but while it's gotten easier it's still hard.

I've had some good progress with the show I optioned and things will hopefully really get moving in April. My 9-5 has ramped up my responsibilities, which is good because now I feel like I have more job security.

I've used some of the online dating apps and gotten a pretty good response, but still haven't found the courage to actually meet up with someone in person. I'm probably going to end up relying on meeting some face to face first but it's a nice confidence boost to know interest is there.

Hope everyone else is doing well.
Thanks for putting your story out, I am currently going through some of this and good to read that things get better even though they move slower than we want.

I am still living with my STBXW and hoping this is the lowest part of all this because I cannot see me going much lower.

Good luck with the future and keep us in the loop on the online dating, I have not been on a date with anyone other than my STBXW for over 12 years so not even sure how to date anymore.

M - 12
Kids - 2
MovingForward is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
divorce, hope, loss, reconciliation, separation

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome