Low day - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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post #31 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 09:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Low day

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Originally Posted by pattyreed2011 View Post
Why do you think he allowed all of this to happen if it's leading to a divorce?

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umm... my best guess - Is that he truly believes that I am arrogant, stubborn and hard headed. He believes that if I say - your mother has no business in my student loans acquired prior to the marriage, then I am disrespecting her. If I say - you are belittling me by complaining to your mother about me - then I am over reacting and being sensitive.

He truly believes that somehow, if I didn't call his family once a week then I am not interested in maintaining relationships with them. That my main motive is to isolate him from his family. They (Him and his family) were worried that if we had kids, I would have more influence on them because I would teach them my mother tongue and he wouldn't be able to (because he doesn't speak his mother tongue well) and somehow I would control the kids.

He also truly believes that his mother has a wealth of knowledge and wisdom and can solve all problems. According to him she "saved" his brother's marriage in early days by solving their problems and now they are married for 15 years. So their "way" of having mum involved in everything must be right.

They also believe that your family is supposed to critique you at all times, particularly as partners. For example - if his mother said - I should do X, and I didnt feel comfortable doing X and i said to him - I don't like it when such and such family member pushes their opinion of X on me. That would make him very upset, because to him family members give you constructive criticism and I wasn't capable of handling that.

I mean...its not really clear. In general he just stated that I was not very supportive of him. If I said he was being mean during a fight, he would say I am mean and so on and so forth. It was all very confusing because he never really gave me a clear reason. But essentially said something like how I was unsupportive and didn't take life's challenges in its strides...

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post #32 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 09:39 PM
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Re: Low day

I know you mentioned that from the beginning but it doesn't seem like that's enough reason for this marriage to end.

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post #33 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Low day

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I know you mentioned that from the beginning but it doesn't seem like that's enough reason for this marriage to end.

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I wish I had a better answer.

Maybe him being unemployed throughout our marriage was also getting to him. He was having trouble finding jobs in the same city and the couple he found he couldn't continue (1 of them he didn't like very much, so he switched to the other one and didn't get along very well with his superiors). Since, I was still finishing my training, I couldn't move cities. Meanwhile, I didn't make enough to pay mortgage for that expensive house. He felt I wasn't supportive of his career. But I was just sad that he would have to move to a different city just to pay for this huge house (which I conveyed to him).

I just got tired because every time we fought, I recieved a phone call from his mother or my parents received ones. Eventually my parents got tired of hearing complaints, so that ruined the relationship between the two families. He cut off relationship mostly with my family except for special occassions because my parents told him to stop coming to them with our marriage issues and to solve it between us. He would sometimes threaten divorce but then say he doesn't mean it. He would sometimes apologize for not putting our marital needs above his family needs and I would try to fix things again.

I think my last straw was when he called me crazy and said the bump on my head must have "f***ed me up". I think that kind of belittling made me lose respect for him. Because the story about the bump on my head was an innocent childhood story I had told him when we were dating. After that point when he asked me to pack up and leave the house, I decided to leave. And when I told him I would speak to a lawyer before any further communication, he just said terrible things about my mother, that I could never forgive him for. And I told him that.

Whether his reasons for the divorce are as unclear as he made them to me or just better defined in his head, I do not know.
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post #34 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Low day

But of course, the lack of clarity doesn't help during my low days.

On days I think more clearly, I recognize that I couldn't get him to respect my boundaries even when I communicated them clearly to him. And I couldn't stay with a partner who belittles me in front of his OWN family instead of proudly standing by me.

He probably will never see it the way I do. And that is the unfortunate reality of my situation.

I hope over time, I am able to heal and trust again.
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post #35 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 10:24 PM
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Re: Low day

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But of course, the lack of clarity doesn't help during my low days.

On days I think more clearly, I recognize that I couldn't get him to respect my boundaries even when I communicated them clearly to him. And I couldn't stay with a partner who belittles me in front of his OWN family instead of proudly standing by me.

He probably will never see it the way I do. And that is the unfortunate reality of my situation.

I hope over time, I am able to heal and trust again.
With time the memory will fade...

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post #36 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 11:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Low day

I am heading to see my extended family in South Asia in January. I am going there to attend a cousin's wedding.

I am extremely anxious about the whole thing. When I booked my tickets, I thought it would be a great way to see my extended family again. But now that it's getting closer I am getting cold feet. The last time my entire family was together was at my wedding, this is the first family wedding I will be attending since my own marriage fell apart and also my wedding anniversary is around the same time.

So all in all I am pretty nervous that I am going to have a massive melt down.

Tips/advice on how to keep my shyte together?
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post #37 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 07:06 AM
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Re: Low day

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Originally Posted by Mucc View Post
But of course, the lack of clarity doesn't help during my low days.

On days I think more clearly, I recognize that I couldn't get him to respect my boundaries even when I communicated them clearly to him. And I couldn't stay with a partner who belittles me in front of his OWN family instead of proudly standing by me.

He probably will never see it the way I do. And that is the unfortunate reality of my situation.

I hope over time, I am able to heal and trust again.
MUCC...as I read through your last few posts...I kept hearing over and over how your H repeatedly said "you don't support me...you don't support me...blah blah blah". When in fact....HE didn't support YOU at all in this marriage. Everything was your fault...you didn't integrate with his family, you disrespected his mom, you didn't cut peppers or whatever properly. WHEN DID he EVER support YOU or stick up for YOU?? THAT is the reason that you walked away. He was slowly stealing your sense of SELF away from you...until you started second-guessing every move you made. He was trying to manipulate you into HIS (and his mother's) idea of what a wife should be, NOT yours. Don't be hard on yourself...you know deep down that you had to get out. And yes, he will not see this the way you do. But that's ok. You will be able to heal. Keep going to counseling.

As for your trip in January...try and just enjoy seeing your family and spending time with them. Your marriage didn't work out...but good that you found out early and have no kids, etc.
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post #38 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 07:28 AM
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Re: Low day

Well whenever you're at the wedding it will help you to live in the present. Enjoy the actual wedding it will be about them, not about your situation. It's a once in a lifetime event and your family wants your presence at the wedding. So bring your best attitude and be ready to have a good time!

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post #39 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 08:40 AM
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Re: Low day

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Originally Posted by Mucc View Post
I wish I had a better answer.

Maybe him being unemployed throughout our marriage

He was having trouble finding jobs

the couple he found he couldn't continue (1 of them he didn't like very much, so he switched to the other one and didn't get along very well with his superiors)
This is classic. He's a momma's boy, you just never saw it because he wasn't living near her. He's a special snowflake, too good for any job and too good for any woman except his momma. I'm fairly sure you were picked because of your profession and earning potential.

As for your family get together, the best way to handle an uncomfortable situation is to (1) address it up front so that everyone feels free to not have to whisper behind your back and (2) have a sense of humor about it. Let your family be your support system - "Phew! Look what I avoided! Thank goodness I found out now!"
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post #40 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 09:19 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you for your kind words.

It's sad. His family is well off. He has a pretty high earning potential himself. They don't need my money I would think.

Divorce sucks so much. I wish he had figured out that I didn't fit his idea of wife. And I wish I figured out sooner that he had zero respect for me.

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post #41 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 11:14 AM
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Re: Low day

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Thank you for your kind words.

It's sad. His family is well off. He has a pretty high earning potential himself. They don't need my money I would think.

Divorce sucks so much. I wish he had figured out that I didn't fit his idea of wife. And I wish I figured out sooner that he had zero respect for me.
You're a good person and you should be able to be yourself.

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post #42 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 01:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Low day

One other question I have been thinking about lately, since I am going to be filing soon - is whether I should claim part of the marital property?

My friends think I should definitely claim what is legally my right. My parents think I should claim it upfront and then can later drop it. But at least it would allow me leverage for any stupid stuff they pull during the process (We don't quite trust them, him and his brother are lawyers and who knows what they are capable of pulling). They have been petty with all transactions so far and there is a good chance they will continue to be.

Other advise I have been given is - claim it and put the money towards charity/sponsor a child's education etc. At least it would hurt them since they are SO in LOVE with $$$ (they are very vain/materialistic). But its sort of mean minded and is not my style and might be stressful.

But I worry this will drag out the process longer, and in some ways I want to be rid of him from my life - pen and paper.

Of course I shall be discussing this with my lawyer - I am meeting in early January.

Thoughts people have?

Thank you.
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post #43 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 03:14 PM
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Re: Low day

Ask for everything you're legally entitled to and use it as a bargaining chip to get the divorce finalized. Never ask for less because you'll get even less than that.
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post #44 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 03:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Low day

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Ask for everything you're legally entitled to and use it as a bargaining chip to get the divorce finalized. Never ask for less because you'll get even less than that.
I don't really care for his property, like I don't really need his money. I let him take away all the money we received as wedding gift from his side of the family. I also returned any gold jewellery his mother or he gave me.

But I am beginning to feel like I will need to have SOMETHING as bargaining chip.
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post #45 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 04:45 AM
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Re: Low day

I'm not divorcing- far from it, I hope- but there have been a handful of times in my marriage that I called my parents and begged them to either convince me my husband was right or convince him he was wrong.

I almost never did this, reserving it only for matters I thought were more important than his happiness. For example, the time I suspected he had melanoma, he didn't want to go to the dermatologist, and I wanted him to, and I told my parents to talk some sense into him. My line of thinking was, "What is more important, my marriage or his life?"

The only other instance I can remember was a time, in the first few months of our marriage, that he wanted me to go camping with him whilst I was ill. I was NOT used to being treated with anything other than the most delicate of kid gloves when I was ill, and thought his request was disrespectful to a level bordering on abuse. When my parents took his side, I went on the camping trip, and when I didn't get pneumonia and die, I apologized to him for not trusting him.

I only did this when I felt cornered. I brought them into it because I knew I was the more submissive, younger, less experienced partner in the relationship and I couldn't settle the dispute through expertise alone. When I did get my parents involved, I did so hoping sheer numbers could convince my husband. Three against one. I hate pitting other people against my husband, so I have to have a very good reason to potentially make an "enemy" out of my soul mate. It's really very odd that he, as the man and traditionally dominant partner, would feel so powerless against you that he felt the need to constantly involve a third party. Were you much older than he was? Did you make more money?


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