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post #46 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:49 AM
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Re: Low day

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
IWhen I did get my parents involved, I did so hoping sheer numbers could convince my husband. Three against one.
Yeah that'll work.

You need to file the "majority rule" crap in the circular file (aka garbage can) and fight your own battles. Or better yet don't let them turn into battles and work out your differences like adults through compromise and understanding.

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post #47 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Low day

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
. Were you much older than he was? Did you make more money?
Nope, I was younger. I don't make very much money. I am still in training. So when he DID work he made more money. But he was unemployed for a significant portion of the time. I guess eventually when I am fully trained in the future I would make substantial money. But he is a professional with significant earning potential as well. We would have been very well off eventually in the grand scheme of things.

I think, and of course, this is speculation on my part, that he had trouble seeing the simple fact - there are other ways of doing things and their way maybe right. And its okay for them to do it their way. I shall give you a simple example.

In their family, they use kitchen cloths to clean up the kitchen after using it/wipe down counters etc. I find that sort of gross. So I use paper-towels. But when I started living with him and used paper towels, he would get upset with me because to him that was wasting money. And no matter how much I explained that I find it gross to use a wet cloth, he just didn't get it (that I could feel differently from his mother and sister).
But it was such a tiny matter. But this would escalate - him and I would have an argument, he would draw conclusions such as - I don't understand the value of money etc etc. from a small incident like this --> then he would look for reinforcements from his mother. So she would call me. Now she has a habit of being a bully (or at least I felt bullied by her). So she would call me and tell me that he has every right to dictate whether we spend money on paper towels or not. That I should learn how to do it HER way because its so much better. Thats how all of their family does it, it IS the right way. These conversations would go on for HOURS, literally. And IF i decided to stand up for my view point stating that - I believe there is more than one way of doing things, then the conversations would escalate even further. They would call MY parents at that point. Most of the times my parents tried to stay out of it, but sometimes they did stand up for me. My parents didn't like how I was being treated and they would say so when called with complaints. This just made my ex in-laws even more upset and they ceased to have a relationship with them (because my mom would call them out on their double standards).

By the end of these arguments which went on for days, I would be exhausted emotionally. At that point, I couldn't care less about paper towels. I had more pressing concerns, like learning how to save lives at work and with this sort of emotional roller coaster at home I couldn't concentrate at work. So I would be like - whatever, i'll just use your stupid cloth coz I cant be bothered with your argument while I haven't slept in 26 hours.

But this is just ONE of several examples. It could be something petty like paper towels or a can of beans. It could be something major like - You need to give up dancing or He was going to go away for employment to a city across the country. It just went on and on and on, it was emotionally so tiring to deal with that. Argument with your husband, then having to have the same fight but worse with your mother-in-law for HOURS and DAYS sometimes.

Divorce sucks. The heartbreak sucks. The low days suck. The shattering of the future you dream of when you get married sucks. But the one thing I AM thankful for, is the peace of mind. I have always had very stable mood and in general I deal with stress well. But in that marriage, I was changing. I was under a constant high level of stress. The up and down in his mood affected me, the constant arguments every 3-4 weeks were frustrating. And the escalation was mind numbing. I wasn't able to work well and I used to be so scared. Because I don't just make a mistake at work, if I make a mistake, it could cost someone their life and health. So I had to work extra hard and put in extra hours at work to make sure I didn't make mistakes. It was draining me. I felt myself becoming emotionally labile and high strung. That is when I started counselling. And once I started counselling, I learnt to detach myself from his emotions. I didn't feel the apprehension every single time the silent treatment started or if he was being moody, or if he hung up on me I didn't call him back multiple times etc etc. But as soon as I did that, it broke the camel's back. He couldn't handle that at all. The name calling escalated, the rude retorts escalated, so much so that by our last 2 fights he was verbally abusive. Thats when I KNEW I needed to leave because I was afraid it would escalate further. And he told me he wouldn't hit me because "it would ruin his career". So, thank god I was living in Canada where laws are strong about domestic abuse, otherwise who knew.

Didn't make the walking away less painful, but does let me know that there was no going back after that point.
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