Children and divorce. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Children and divorce.

So I am about to go through a divorce and I would like peoples opinions, experiences, suggestions and wisdom on how divorce has affected your children, or even you if you were a child when your parents divorced.
My parents divorced when I was very young around 2 they separated and divorced finally when I was 5. I only remember seeing my father for 1 day before I turned 21 which is when I saw started to see much more of him. He moved to another country when I was little.
Growing up I remember lying to friends why I did not have a father and I was sometimes a little envious of others who had both parents. Overall though I remember being happy until my mother remarried. My stepfather was dreadful and horrid to not only me but my cousins. So much so that they stopped coming over to my house to play.

So I would like to hear what you all have to say.
What measures have you taken and what should I do to make the divorce as easy on my little girl as possible. She is currently 2. Thanks all.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 08:45 PM
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Re: Children and divorce.

I divorced earlier this year. 4yr girl and 6yr boy. I have 50% custody, every other weekend, and 2 or 3 days each week. I spend as much time with them as possible when it's my days. I don't bad mouth their mother. At first, my boy would ask when I was coming back home. He would say my house wasn't my real house and I needed to move back home with mommy. It was gut wrenching. But 10 months into being on my own, he knows mommy and daddy each have their own home. They both know this is the new normal. As long as the mom and dad are both in their lives and give them the love they need, everything will work out.

I am in a serious relationship now and they love her. She has kids and is mature enough to know she isn't their mother, will never be their mother, but will love them. My kids will be lucky to have two great mom figures in their lives, and maybe even two great dads someday if the ex gets remarried. I don't think that's a bad thing.

I'm so glad they no longer get to see their mom and dad fight and be in a loveless marriage.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 08:48 PM
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Cool Re: Children and divorce.

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Originally Posted by kettle View Post
So I am about to go through a divorce and I would like peoples opinions, experiences, suggestions and wisdom on how divorce has affected your children, or even you if you were a child when your parents divorced.
My parents divorced when I was very young around 2 they separated and divorced finally when I was 5. I only remember seeing my father for 1 day before I turned 21 which is when I saw started to see much more of him. He moved to another country when I was little.
Growing up I remember lying to friends why I did not have a father and I was sometimes a little envious of others who had both parents. Overall though I remember being happy until my mother remarried. My stepfather was dreadful and horrid to not only me but my cousins. So much so that they stopped coming over to my house to play.

So I would like to hear what you all have to say.
What measures have you taken and what should I do to make the divorce as easy on my little girl as possible. She is currently 2. Thanks all.
No matter what this D causes you to do, just continually reassure your precious daughter that you will always be there for her, and that she's the most important thing in the world to you!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 05:08 PM
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Re: Children and divorce.

With as young as your little one is, the only thing I would say to do is love her. Don't ever speak negatively of her father, no matter how much frustration you have with him. She will grow up understanding that your home is just the norm for her.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 05:49 PM
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Re: Children and divorce.

My divorce did a real job on both of my daughters. They both had promising futures, both did well in school and during and after the divorce their grades plunged. My eldest never made it to college, my youngest was a high school drop out.

Suffice it to say that divorce is at best, not a positive experience, there's going to be damage but it can be minimized if the parents approach it with their children's best interests in mind as their top priority.

Unfortunately most people approach divorce with the $$ in mind.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 04:40 AM
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Re: Children and divorce.

I am at the tail end of my divorce after a seventeen year marriage. I have a fifteen year old daughter and an eleven year old son. Because of your daughters age there will be much she will not be aware of, unlike my own, but here is the best advice I can give you. Always be congruent in word, action and emotion. She may not be able to understand the situation or the information being given to her, but she will always be able to sense behavior or words that are incongruous with the reality she is able to perceive. Always keep your child's well being as your top priority; regardless of your own feelings or wishes, this will ensure that when she grows up and asks for information you have nothing to be ashamed of. In other words, during the divorce, don't do or say anything that you would be embarrassed or ashamed if she ever found out. Having integrity of mind, heart and action will bring her and you peace now and in the long run.

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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 10:53 AM
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Re: Children and divorce.

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Always be congruent in word, action and emotion. She may not be able to understand the situation or the information being given to her, but she will always be able to sense behavior or words that are incongruous with the reality she is able to perceive.
Great advice however sometimes/oftentimes the parent isn't in touch with the reality of the situation so they just may do what you caution against, without even realizing it.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 11:56 AM
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Re: Children and divorce.

I seperated from my daughter's dad when she was not quite 3 years old. There was an adjustment period over the first 6 months, I'd say. She did really well after that. Her dad and I were able to work together though on making things as easy and amicable as possible for her. We were flexible about unexpected things, about holidays and family functions, etc.

As for my own divorced child experience... when I was a kid, I was always hoping my parents would divorce. Took my mom til I was 14 to finally file. It was a rough divorce because my dad fought every step of the way but it was worth it in the end to finally have peace in our house.

Your kids can be fine, it takes the adults working toghether with the kids' best interest in mind at all times.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 07:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Children and divorce.

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With as young as your little one is, the only thing I would say to do is love her. Don't ever speak negatively of her father, no matter how much frustration you have with him. She will grow up understanding that your home is just the norm for her.
Thanks, I would absolutely do that. My wife would too. We both do now and so I know that would not change.

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
My divorce did a real job on both of my daughters. They both had promising futures, both did well in school and during and after the divorce their grades plunged. My eldest never made it to college, my youngest was a high school drop out.

Suffice it to say that divorce is at best, not a positive experience, there's going to be damage but it can be minimized if the parents approach it with their children's best interests in mind as their top priority.

Unfortunately most people approach divorce with the $$ in mind.
How old were your children when you divorced?

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Originally Posted by mjlacher View Post
I am at the tail end of my divorce after a seventeen year marriage. I have a fifteen year old daughter and an eleven year old son. Because of your daughters age there will be much she will not be aware of, unlike my own, but here is the best advice I can give you. Always be congruent in word, action and emotion. She may not be able to understand the situation or the information being given to her, but she will always be able to sense behavior or words that are incongruous with the reality she is able to perceive. Always keep your child's well being as your top priority; regardless of your own feelings or wishes, this will ensure that when she grows up and asks for information you have nothing to be ashamed of. In other words, during the divorce, don't do or say anything that you would be embarrassed or ashamed if she ever found out. Having integrity of mind, heart and action will bring her and you peace now and in the long run.

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk
Thanks. Sounds like great advice. I want to get this over while she is young. I do not relish the idea of divorcing when as old as your children. That seems like it would be significantly harder.

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
Great advice however sometimes/oftentimes the parent isn't in touch with the reality of the situation so they just may do what you caution against, without even realizing it.
That is good for me to consider.

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
I seperated from my daughter's dad when she was not quite 3 years old. There was an adjustment period over the first 6 months, I'd say. She did really well after that. Her dad and I were able to work together though on making things as easy and amicable as possible for her. We were flexible about unexpected things, about holidays and family functions, etc.

As for my own divorced child experience... when I was a kid, I was always hoping my parents would divorce. Took my mom til I was 14 to finally file. It was a rough divorce because my dad fought every step of the way but it was worth it in the end to finally have peace in our house.

Your kids can be fine, it takes the adults working toghether with the kids' best interest in mind at all times.
That sounds promising for me. I think my wife and I would work ok regarding out daughter.
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