This hurt my heart so badly tonight.... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 10:04 PM Thread Starter
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This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

Why didn't Dad want us? Why didn't he try to get us?

It's tearing me apart. I want to answer because I know the reason, but I'm so done covering his butt and making him look good while it makes me look like an evil monster. For the first time, I told them, they need to ask HIM, not me. Dying inside, though.

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 10:11 PM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

...

Last edited by MSalmoides; 12-13-2016 at 09:08 AM.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 07:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

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Originally Posted by MSalmoides View Post
Please, please don't torture yourself over this. Please?!? I wondered the same thing all of those years ago as a kid. All of the disappointment, pain... But now I know. He was a selfish @ss who didn't give a shat for anything but screwing as many women as he could and staying drunk. He came to regret it in his waning years and desperately tried to connect. But that father-son relationship ship had sailed long ago. He never saw his grandson, I saw to that not out of hate, but out of apathy towards a man I never really knew.

I was on your children's end of all this and life is great today. Despite what an army of therapists might say, their future isn't defined by his actions today. You're there for them, and that they will never forget. Thinking of you!

~MS
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I just feel so awful for them.

Last edited by prunus; 12-11-2016 at 08:40 AM. Reason: typo
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 08:23 AM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

Yes, it hurts. I watched my grandchildren go through that when they were younger. All you can do is support them while they learn exactly what they're dealing with. It's a tough lesson.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 08:36 PM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

When my parents D I blamed my self for it for a while. Then I found out what happened a few years later. Just love your kids. They will be stronger for having gone through this one day. Just love them.

PS I was 4 when mine D. My mom cheated. Court gave her custody. My kids mean everything to me. They will be fine.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 09:08 PM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

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Last edited by MSalmoides; 12-13-2016 at 09:08 AM.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 09:09 PM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

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Last edited by MSalmoides; 12-13-2016 at 09:08 AM.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 09:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

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Double post.
It double posted? My reply or the original?
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 09:50 PM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

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It double posted? My reply or the original?
His reply.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

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Of course you do. And I understand all of the "nos" you're feeling or maybe getting as advice. Many in my family had a complete meltdown when I went to see my "father." Again, different circumstances but it was my decision. It's my thinking that your children are old enough to make their own decision. If you hold them back or discourage them, then he dies, they may come to regret it and resent you for it. If for no other reason than to validate the current feelings they have about your situation and about him. Yes he's not in his right mind but he is their father.

I think this is bigger than blameshifting and all of the other history, which frankly I'm not fully caught up with for your situation. I'm simply speaking from the child's perspective of an abandoning, ill father. Having your father abandon you is a life altering thing, and sometimes the only way to come to terms with it is to put the demon to rest by confronting it that one, last time. It helps to understand the reality.

~MS
I'll give you a quick run down of the situation. I left the house in mid-September with the kids. They were afraid. I was afraid and on edge. I asked him to leave so we could come home. He finally agreed and left mid-late November. But, he moved 1300 miles away and in with his dad.

I do not blame STBXH in front of the kids. I try to talk kindly about him, all the while he's trash talking me. It's hard to do, but I know it's the right thing for them. He has never been there for them emotionally, only physically. I guess that's why the separation is going so well for me and the kids. But, I just hate to see them hurting and to ask that...you know it hurts.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 10:09 PM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

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Last edited by MSalmoides; 12-13-2016 at 09:07 AM.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 10:44 PM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

Depending on how old they are.... you can tell them something and still not trash talk dad. And good for you for not doing that.

When my ex left, he did not visit the kids and he only lived ten minutes away. I really really resented how he handled that, since it wasn't acrimonious anyway. I just told the kids (5 teens), "I don't know what Dad is thinking" or "Dad is in his own world." or "Maybe that's something you can talk with him about some day."

I tried not to speak FOR him....like how he loves them and....(whatever). Not my job to cover for him any more. So I tried to not just tell them what a freakin jerk he was and tried to keep it neutral.

Ten years later....they see their dad once a year if that. They see mom EVERY SUNDAY and then some! They know who was there. They know who didn't run away from the family.

It gets better....just takes time. One thing you can do is to start NEW traditions with the kids since dad isn't going to be around. If they are old enough, let them help decide what the new traditions look like. Since mine were all teens, we voted to open gifts at midnight on xmas eve and then sleep in on Christmas morning.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:06 PM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

Of course your heart ❤️ hurts....we never want our babies to be treated badly.
I personally think your response was perfect. That way the responsibility falls back on him, exactly as it should.
Hang in there great mama. Warm hugs from me!

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 11:50 AM
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Re: This hurt my heart so badly tonight....

I've been in this situation. This is what I did with mine. I assured them...your dad loves you very much. He is going through a hard time right now just like we all are, and sometimes people don't cope in the best way. Why don't you write him a letter and let him know how you feel- you don't even have to mail it if you don't want to. Just know that he does love you- you're an amazing kid!

I would be careful to never, ever phrase something that would make the children question their father's love for them. Even if he doesn't give a flip about how they are doing (as was the case with my ex-husband) you want them to believe that he does. Time will reveal all truths just as it has with my kids. That was 7 years ago. Now he tries to see them and they won't take visitation with him and he is torn up over it. But my kids have the self-esteem now to say...you weren't there for us when we needed you (even though I urge them to see him).
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