So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through
Universal BS Translator: You're hurt, therefore the socially expected thing for me to do is say sorry. Hope you fall for it even if I don't mean it.
and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you".
UBT: I'd rather destroy your life than admit I was wrong about something. I better repeat my apology again so it sounds real.
then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day.
What can I say that would make you forget what I did? Let's try something sappy, women love that. Not that I would ever ACTUALLY do or give up anything. I won't even try counselling.
Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die."
UBT: drama drama drama so you know I'm serious. Plus, this way, when you don't answer, I can believe it's because I told you not to, not because you just didn't bother.
Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date,
UBT: This normal real life thing needs doing, I better ask now before I forget. Obviously you are the responsible one and I can still rely on you to help me with my irresponsibility.
then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."
UBT: It's been a while since I said something sappy, you might be starting to come to your senses if I don't try to lure you back in with compliments. I hope you believe them even if I don't.
This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture"
UBT: I like to keep trophies of my failed relationships so I can look at them later and rewrite the past until the relationship failure is all your fault.
to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy,
UBT: All this blather is to make you feel sorry for me and my sad sausage unhappiness. Besides, it's okay if I hurt you as long as you know I'm hurting now too. How long has it been since I tried to convince you I was sorry? I better say it again.
to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.".
UBT: that sounds like too much work. Either you'll do the work for me, or you'll change her mind about divorce. We'll see if my affair is still going strong in six months, or if I need you back. Either way, win for me.
Then..how much he loves kissing me?
UBT: I still get hard thinking about you, plus I just like being kissed. And maybe you'll come kiss me again when I'm lonely because I've convinced you it will work to lure me back.
You can spend far too long trying to deconstruct the meaning behind his words, or you can accept that it's all manipulative self-absorbed bunk designed to keep you on the hook as a backup relationship, and evict him from taking up room in your mental real-estate that you could be using for better things. Like proceeding with the divorce.
I'd also be wary about telling him you'd consider reconciliation if he attended counselling. He might be rejecting it now, but if he senses you becoming more distant, he might give it a half-hearted try, or even just lie to you about being in counselling. You're like a toy a child no longer wants to play with, but won't get rid of because it still belongs to him and in case he might want it again some day. He'll do whatever it takes to keep you on that shelf, waiting.