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post #16 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:45 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

While you had value to him, he acted one way. Now that you don't, he's acting the way he really is. A ****.

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post #17 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 04:09 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

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Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
Well, we were together 6 years. 5 of those were pretty amazing...the last year...I felt the pull away every single day. So, maybe he was trying to be this faithful family man that he portrayed and in the end just needed to go back to who he was before we married (he had cheated on his first wife).
Well there you go.

He didn't just "change" into a cheating d**chebag -- that's who he always was.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #18 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you". Of course I don't respond then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day. Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die." Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date, then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."

This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture" to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy, to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.". Then..how much he loves kissing me. And it just goes from there. Thoughts on this? Wtf is this man trying to do?
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post #19 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:10 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Chipper, I'd just go and file if I were you. He's all over the map. Don't leave action in his hands or you'll be in limbo land for longer than is sane. The only person that should be in control of your destiny is you.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #20 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

This sort of mixed signals is common. If you are intent on divorcing him just reply to the pertinent business messages and ignore/delete the rest. He'll get the hint eventually.
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post #21 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:25 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

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Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you". Of course I don't respond then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day. Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die." Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date, then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."

This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture" to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy, to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.". Then..how much he loves kissing me. And it just goes from there. Thoughts on this? Wtf is this man trying to do?
Sounds like he's in the bargaining stage. He's probably feeling a lot of guilt about his past actions (cheating, etc.) and wants to relieve some of that by reaching out to you with kind words (i.e. the kissing, telling you that you're the best he's ever had).

It's his process, but it's negatively affecting you and you'll need to put a stop to it. I went through something similar with my STBXW but in reverse. Instead of kind words, it was a lot of emotionally draining and hurtful texts, but the goal for both is the same—relief from the pain of how the relationship got to this point.

From what you've posted, he sounds like he has a tremendous amount of work to do on himself. First, tell him the texts need to stop. Regardless of how you feel about the relationship (working on it vs. wanting it to end), the texts are only serving him and not you. In my situation, I still want to work on things but I had to tell my STBXW to cut it out because it was so emotionally damaging. Think of yourself and how to make it easier for you!

After that you have to decide what you want from the situation. If R is desired on your part then figure out a plan for what you'd want that to be like. Tell him and if he agrees, great, move forward with it. If he says no then just file for divorce. Obviously, if you want divorce you need to just move forward with it on your own.

The trickiest situation is if your do want to work on things and he responds with something like, "maybe, but i need more time." If that happens, I'd say either move forward with the divorce or if you're comfortable, set a certain amount of time you're willing to give him. Six months is way too long and if you grant him that you know the texts will continue throughout the entire time. Figure out what you're comfortable with, but I'd say no more than a month. During that time, tell him that all contact needs to cease unless it's about moving forward in some tangible way, be it R or D. If he balks and/or tries to contact you about other things during that time, just ignore it.

Just try to regain some control over the situation so you can move forward one way or another. Hope it gets easier for you!
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post #22 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:52 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you". Of course I don't respond then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day. Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die." Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date, then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."

This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture" to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy, to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.". Then..how much he loves kissing me. And it just goes from there. Thoughts on this? Wtf is this man trying to do?
Sounds like he's discovered that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.

That or he got dumped.

Either way, things aren't going the way he'd hoped, his world is imploding, and now he's hoping to sweet talk his way back into your heart.

Don't fall for it. He's a serial cheat -- he'll never change.

If you've not done so already, file for divorce and don't look back.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

Last edited by GusPolinski; 12-15-2016 at 04:43 PM.
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post #23 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 04:03 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
He moved out yesterday. And there's some relief there but then I feel like I'm kicked in the teeth by frustration. That he felt he could mess around, leave me for this person and come out on top. It's all I can do to not actively seek revenge. I won't, of course, but I want the smug face gone.
He told you he had sex with someone only after he moved out?

He moved out yesterday.

He had his hand in her "till" for a long time. Women, even loose women need grooming prior to PIV.

He is lying.

You are now 190 lbs lighter. You shed a big hairball....... stbxh.

Sorry you are here.

Good Luck! Actually, this is good luck. You now are free again. Enjoy your life, forward.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #24 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Thanks to you all for the feedback! So, I decided to put it on the line. I asked myself...what would it take for me to want to reconcile with him? My answer was separation and counseling while living separately. He'd just sent a message telling me he didn't think I would want to be with him after he was with someone else.

So I sent a message: "I know this is hard on all of us. I will tell you that I would consider working on this if we would live apart a minimum of 3 months and go to counseling while we are separate. I'm just telling you what it would take on my end."

Him:' I understand but I don't agree. I don't want to go tell my problems to someone. I guess my stubbornness will take me to my grave."

Me: "Okay, just know that most men are nervous about counseling. If you tried it you could leave it if you didn't like it."

Him "I'm not trying it."

So, there goes my answer. At least I know now.
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post #25 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 04:45 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you". Of course I don't respond then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day. Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die." Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date, then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."

This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture" to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy, to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.". Then..how much he loves kissing me. And it just goes from there. Thoughts on this? Wtf is this man trying to do?
It's all manipulation, you know that, right? He's doing a hot/cold push/pull so that you will be an option in case he ends up without an OW and needs to come crawling back to you while he looks for the next available sucker.

Communicate only about business an stop trying to do the pick me dance for a man that has a history of cheating in both of his marriages. He is who he is and he isn't a faithful man.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #26 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 05:04 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
Thanks to you all for the feedback! So, I decided to put it on the line. I asked myself...what would it take for me to want to reconcile with him? My answer was separation and counseling while living separately. He'd just sent a message telling me he didn't think I would want to be with him after he was with someone else.

So I sent a message: "I know this is hard on all of us. I will tell you that I would consider working on this if we would live apart a minimum of 3 months and go to counseling while we are separate. I'm just telling you what it would take on my end."

Him:' I understand but I don't agree. I don't want to go tell my problems to someone. I guess my stubbornness will take me to my grave."

Me: "Okay, just know that most men are nervous about counseling. If you tried it you could leave it if you didn't like it."

Him "I'm not trying it."

So, there goes my answer. At least I know now.
Sigh, yeah that is really stubborn and stupid on his part. But like you said, now you know. It's so frustrating to hear that you're willing to give him a chance after cheating, while so many other people out there would do just about anything for that opportunity.

Are you going to go ahead and file now? I know it sucks, but it's what's needed. His issues won't get sorted out merely by the passage of time.

Sending positive thoughts your way. I know it's hard but good work being honest about what you needed even if it didn't go the way you wanted.
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post #27 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 05:27 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
Thanks to you all for the feedback! So, I decided to put it on the line. I asked myself...what would it take for me to want to reconcile with him? My answer was separation and counseling while living separately. He'd just sent a message telling me he didn't think I would want to be with him after he was with someone else.

So I sent a message: "I know this is hard on all of us. I will tell you that I would consider working on this if we would live apart a minimum of 3 months and go to counseling while we are separate. I'm just telling you what it would take on my end."

Him:' I understand but I don't agree. I don't want to go tell my problems to someone. I guess my stubbornness will take me to my grave."

Me: "Okay, just know that most men are nervous about counseling. If you tried it you could leave it if you didn't like it."

Him "I'm not trying it."

So, there goes my answer. At least I know now.
If he really wanted to save the marriage, he would be willing to do anything and everything. Asking him to go to counseling is a pretty standard request. You're not asking him to go on a questto retrieve a magical ring and throw it into the fires of Mordor.

You're better off without this loser. Go get you a lawyer and file ASAP.

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~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #28 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 06:12 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
Thanks to you all for the feedback! So, I decided to put it on the line. I asked myself...what would it take for me to want to reconcile with him? My answer was separation and counseling while living separately. He'd just sent a message telling me he didn't think I would want to be with him after he was with someone else.

So I sent a message: "I know this is hard on all of us. I will tell you that I would consider working on this if we would live apart a minimum of 3 months and go to counseling while we are separate. I'm just telling you what it would take on my end."

Him:' I understand but I don't agree. I don't want to go tell my problems to someone. I guess my stubbornness will take me to my grave."

Me: "Okay, just know that most men are nervous about counseling. If you tried it you could leave it if you didn't like it."

Him "I'm not trying it."

So, there goes my answer. At least I know now.
Good.

Never forget.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #29 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:31 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

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Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through
Universal BS Translator: You're hurt, therefore the socially expected thing for me to do is say sorry. Hope you fall for it even if I don't mean it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you".
UBT: I'd rather destroy your life than admit I was wrong about something. I better repeat my apology again so it sounds real.

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Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day.
What can I say that would make you forget what I did? Let's try something sappy, women love that. Not that I would ever ACTUALLY do or give up anything. I won't even try counselling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die."
UBT: drama drama drama so you know I'm serious. Plus, this way, when you don't answer, I can believe it's because I told you not to, not because you just didn't bother.

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Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date,
UBT: This normal real life thing needs doing, I better ask now before I forget. Obviously you are the responsible one and I can still rely on you to help me with my irresponsibility.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."
UBT: It's been a while since I said something sappy, you might be starting to come to your senses if I don't try to lure you back in with compliments. I hope you believe them even if I don't.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture"
UBT: I like to keep trophies of my failed relationships so I can look at them later and rewrite the past until the relationship failure is all your fault.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy,
UBT: All this blather is to make you feel sorry for me and my sad sausage unhappiness. Besides, it's okay if I hurt you as long as you know I'm hurting now too. How long has it been since I tried to convince you I was sorry? I better say it again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.".
UBT: that sounds like too much work. Either you'll do the work for me, or you'll change her mind about divorce. We'll see if my affair is still going strong in six months, or if I need you back. Either way, win for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
Then..how much he loves kissing me?
UBT: I still get hard thinking about you, plus I just like being kissed. And maybe you'll come kiss me again when I'm lonely because I've convinced you it will work to lure me back.


You can spend far too long trying to deconstruct the meaning behind his words, or you can accept that it's all manipulative self-absorbed bunk designed to keep you on the hook as a backup relationship, and evict him from taking up room in your mental real-estate that you could be using for better things. Like proceeding with the divorce.

I'd also be wary about telling him you'd consider reconciliation if he attended counselling. He might be rejecting it now, but if he senses you becoming more distant, he might give it a half-hearted try, or even just lie to you about being in counselling. You're like a toy a child no longer wants to play with, but won't get rid of because it still belongs to him and in case he might want it again some day. He'll do whatever it takes to keep you on that shelf, waiting.

Last edited by Hopeful Cynic; 12-15-2016 at 11:00 PM. Reason: typo
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post #30 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:54 PM
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Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

What is he doing? Well, he could be finding life out there isn't quite as good as he thought it was -- maybe his gf broke up with him -- and he's angling to come home.
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