Well, I'm an idiot. - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 53Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
ChipperE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 76
Well, I'm an idiot.

Hi All. SO, I have posted a couple times regarding my separation. We have been separated 7 weeks and he's tried to blame me for it even though he's the one who made the final decision and without any try of reconciliation. Every single person said..there's someone else. And I believed him when he said there wasn't. I'm an idiot.

I received a little nugget of information yesterday that gave me all the info I needed. A friend of mine's husband worked very briefly for the same company as stbxh (one week then got a better job offer). They are both maintenance supers for apartment complexes. Well, friend's husband had to shadow someone else (stbxh's counterpart at the other property) and as they are on their way to stbxh's property the guy tell's friend's husband, "When you get there, don't let this guy get to you because he's an ahole. He's got problems, man. Running around on his wife with people at the property, hates his life, always looking for something to argue about." Now, friend's husband had no clue the guy was stbxh until he saw a picture on facebook.

So, really, that's all I needed to know. It's heartbreaking because this was my best friend. The pull away and turn into a stranger...and so cold... well, it's been so hurtful. When I confronted him with the info (I texted him asking if I needed to get tested for stds or did he use protection) he made sure to let me know that he'd only been with someone "the day after you and I were last together". I don't know how someone can just...change. I hate this.

ChipperE is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:24 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 610
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Hang in there. You'll be much better off without him in your life. It gets better with some time and distance.
Bananapeel is offline  
post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:26 PM
Member
 
Chris Taylor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,504
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Of course you need to get tested.

And why do people change? Maybe he didn't. Maybe he was always like this and the fog of love didn't let you see it?
Chris Taylor is offline  
post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
ChipperE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 76
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
Hang in there. You'll be much better off without him in your life. It gets better with some time and distance.
He moved out yesterday. And there's some relief there but then I feel like I'm kicked in the teeth by frustration. That he felt he could mess around, leave me for this person and come out on top. It's all I can do to not actively seek revenge. I won't, of course, but I want the smug face gone.
ChipperE is offline  
post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
ChipperE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 76
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Taylor View Post
Of course you need to get tested.

And why do people change? Maybe he didn't. Maybe he was always like this and the fog of love didn't let you see it?
Well, we were together 6 years. 5 of those were pretty amazing...the last year...I felt the pull away every single day. So, maybe he was trying to be this faithful family man that he portrayed and in the end just needed to go back to who he was before we married (he had cheated on his first wife).
ChipperE is offline  
post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:42 PM
Member
 
Síocháin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 208
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

I can relate to a STBXH with a smug face. It makes you just want to slap it off of him. But here's the thing, karma. Karma will take care of it for you. Do not do anything out of revenge. He is not worth it.

I took the high road. I went dark and if anyone asks me, I just say all I wish for him is happiness. I have not said one negative word about him to mutual people we know. I have 2 BFFs that know how I really feel. It's just not worth it sinking to their level. Remember, it's not about you, it's about him. Although that is hard to understand when you're in the middle of it.
Síocháin is offline  
post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:47 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,193
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperE View Post
Hi All. SO, I have posted a couple times regarding my separation. We have been separated 7 weeks and he's tried to blame me for it even though he's the one who made the final decision and without any try of reconciliation. Every single person said..there's someone else. And I believed him when he said there wasn't. I'm an idiot.

I received a little nugget of information yesterday that gave me all the info I needed. A friend of mine's husband worked very briefly for the same company as stbxh (one week then got a better job offer). They are both maintenance supers for apartment complexes. Well, friend's husband had to shadow someone else (stbxh's counterpart at the other property) and as they are on their way to stbxh's property the guy tell's friend's husband, "When you get there, don't let this guy get to you because he's an ahole. He's got problems, man. Running around on his wife with people at the property, hates his life, always looking for something to argue about." Now, friend's husband had no clue the guy was stbxh until he saw a picture on facebook.

So, really, that's all I needed to know. It's heartbreaking because this was my best friend. The pull away and turn into a stranger...and so cold... well, it's been so hurtful. When I confronted him with the info (I texted him asking if I needed to get tested for stds or did he use protection) he made sure to let me know that he'd only been with someone "the day after you and I were last together". I don't know how someone can just...change. I hate this.
I'm sorry. You will get a better best friend though one day.
sokillme is online now  
post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 01:50 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 4,321
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

You're not an idiot. You're human. We all want to--and frequently do--see the people that we love in the most positive light. We dismiss or minimize their character flaws. I mean, that's a big part of what it means to love a human being: you see them in the most positive light, despite their flaws. You have to, to be able to maintain a relationship with another human being over the course of years, decades.

Don't beat yourself up about this. He's the bad guy, not you. Don't punish yourself for his bad behavior. Be glad that this loser is out of your life, and you're not going to waste another minute of your valuable time on him. And now that you have the proof, then that might help you move on faster. You deserve so much better than this BS.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

"Either you're interested, or you're not. Fvck yes or no... As in, if it isn't fvck yes for you, leave me the fvck alone. I don't have time for playing games."
FeministInPink is offline  
post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 03:52 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,127
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

I felt like an idiot too when I found out my husband was cheating. But that only lasted about a half a second then I was just pissed off.

I am very sorry this happened and that your husband is an idiot. You aren't - you're just a trusting person. Maybe a little less trusting now though.

And DO get tested for STD's.
Hope1964 is offline  
post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 03:58 PM
Member
 
Openminded's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,138
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

I think most of us feel like idiots when we find out they're cheating. I certainly did.

He cheated on his first wife? He's just reverting to type. He sustained it as long as he could with you but some cheaters never change.

Openminded is offline  
post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 04:07 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,681
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

you have just gotten wise...rejoice in that, and make your life better one day at a time....there will come a point he will regret his actions and he will have to live with that.
Xenote is offline  
post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 05:30 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 376
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

ouch. if feel for you for the pain you endure. may the karma bus run his a$$ over. come to think of it, back up and run him over again.

hold your head high and as you find a new path. hug.
x598 is offline  
post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 06:40 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 821
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Chipper,

You are not an idiot, he is an idiot for throwing your trust and loyalty into the trash. You did nothing wrong, and you have no obligation to keep his secrets for him, expose him to the world. Gather evidence and email/etc it to everyone in his life who matters.

Tamat
TAMAT is offline  
post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 08:59 PM
Member
 
Openminded's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,138
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

We all want to believe our spouse when they assure us there is no one else. We don't want to believe the person we love could do that. But more often than not, they could and did do that. Does that make us idiots? No, that makes us trusting. But once trust is abused it's usually difficult to get back -- whether we R with the cheater or move on and try to trust someone new. That betrayal can stick around even when they are gone. It did for me. I hope it doesn't for you.
Openminded is offline  
post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
ChipperE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 76
Re: Well, I'm an idiot.

Thanks to you all for the kind words. This man, the one I thought was my soul mate, well...now he's just a mean person. He goes from one extreme to another. In one single text exchange (where I had to contact him to get the payoff amount on my car, in his name, that I am trading in) he went from "I'm not calling the bank" to "stop f'ing bothering me" to "I'm sorry it took me so long, I'm busy today". In a 10 minute period. His emotions are out of control and so he's taking it out on me.

I don't know when I became his enemy. That hurts more than it all. Just the way he speaks to me when I haven't done anything to deserve it.
ChipperE is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
~*~ Will you please help me with my son? ~*~ VeryHurt Coping with Infidelity 589 10-15-2016 08:37 PM
Trump hater thread. He's an idiot jdawg2015 Politics and Religion 1478 08-18-2016 11:59 AM
Am I controlling? katiecrna General Relationship Discussion 11 05-01-2016 03:55 PM
confused - i think he cheated wishingwell Coping with Infidelity 49 03-25-2016 09:21 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome