Long term separation, don't know how to move on - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

And by the way I am far from obsessed with my husband. We never had a good marriage and I wasn't sorry to see him go it was just the way it happened that messed me up. But it's hard to trust someone enough to move on when you've spent most of your adult life being told you were a worthless piece of **** who is better off dead, that he hates you, you ruined his life, he wishes he'd never met you, wishes his own son had been aborted, he let his mother physically abuse me and our son, and he doesn't want a divorce, by the way, because he loves keeping me legally bound to him. Probably the only reason I finally filed is because one of my coworker's is a women's rights advocate that convinced me to stop letting him control me. And now that we don't work together anymore I find myself losing momentum even to finish the divorce process, especially since he's stonewalling it.

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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

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Originally Posted by pattyreed2011 View Post
We've all suffered at some point of our lives not just you but we have to move forward.

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Jeez. You just won't quit. Is that going to be your advice to everyone? Just get over it?

Who hurt you so much that you are bitter and uncaring? Your ex husband?
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:41 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

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We've all suffered at some point of our lives not just you but we have to move forward.

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How about you refrain from posting on this thread. As blueinbr mentioned, you are not helping.
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:47 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

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How about you refrain from posting on this thread. As blueinbr mentioned, you are not helping.
Put a face to your words

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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:55 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

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Put a face to your words

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What the hell does that mean?

Anyway, I'm done with you.
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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 12:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

So the job I had before I got sick again was, ironically enough, as a job counselor for people coming off of long term disability or unemployment. The thing I remember noting, time and again, was how alone most of them seemed to be. I don't know if it was by choice or if people just don't really want to get involved with people who have long term, life altering disabilities. But I do know that I don't want to be that way. I just don't know how to change it when I have so many limitations. And based on some of the threads I've read as a long time lurker here, I'm thinking a lot of guys would be uncomfortable getting serious with a woman who hasnt had sex in a decade, even if it was for reasons beyond her control. I mean, if I don't have sex, I'm not a good risk because maybe I'll turn out to be low drive. But if I do have sex, it's cheating. I've seen enough people here agree that there's no excuse for cheating no matter what the situation. Personally I think I've probably got a better excuse than most. Although my husband has actually told me that if he finds out I'm involved with someone else he'll destroy me even more than he already has. He's allowed but I'm not. As far as he's concerned I still belong to him even though we haven't laid eyes on each other in over 6 years.
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 12:41 PM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

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Jeez. You just won't quit. Is that going to be your advice to everyone? Just get over it?

Who hurt you so much that you are bitter and uncaring? Your ex husband?
Lol! Im not the one whos angry and Im not the one with the pitty party.

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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 12:43 PM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

Honey, I feel for you. I have crummy health also, multiple serious health conditions, and one of my diseases is considered "terminal" and the best case scenario was 7 years. That was over 10 years ago, and I'm in my early fourties and still doing reasonably well.

In most cases, there is someone for everyone, it's a matter of finding that someone.

I ended a very unhappy marriage of 20 years. So there I was, with two kids in tow and crappy health. I have always known I was a wife and mom to my core, and even though I am a successful business owner, being a wife and mom is my "calling".

I entered the dating world after not having dated since I was a teen. I also married as a virgin like you. I had no clue how this was all going to play out. My personality as it is, makes me a full disclosure girl. I met my hubby very quickly once I threw my hat in the ring again to date. After our first date (where the connection was AMAZING) the very next morning I told him I had some more things about myself that I wanted to share with him before we had our second date. Now, I understand that most people will think this is absurd to share that much info with essentially a stranger, but it's simply the way I tick.

I had a lot of time like you after my XH and I seperated to think about how I would handle dating and the like. I personally felt that it would be really mean to allow anyone to become emotionally involved with me without understanding the seriousness of my health conditions. Since my illnesses are not readily visible, a person could conceivably have dated me and really fallen for me long before they figured out or I disclosed my health conditions. Any man that was going to want to get serious with me, didn't deserve to find that out a few months in once their hearts were involved. Weird as it was, I laid it all out to hubby the morning after our first date. He deserved the right (IMO) to make and educated decision if he wanted to pursue a relationship with someone like me. He was a man with a wonderful personality and sense of humor, no kids, no "baggage", gorgeous, athletic, gainfully employed etc who could have his pick of women...

He patiently listened on the phone to me telling him every flaw I had. As I finished each one he said, "I don't care." At this point I was like...Okkkkk, I've done my due diligence. Just last night over dinner he looked up at me and said, "You always tease me about all the hot girls I dated before you, but none of them were even close to how perfect you are for me. I LOVE US!" So I told you all that so I could tell you this...put yourself out there to find love again. If it is in online dating since you are in a smaller area, disclose as soon as your gut tells you that you should. You want to weed out those who aren't interested in a committed relationship with someone that has chronic illnesses. You also want to be fair to the men.

My grandmother was extremely chronically ill, two failed marriages, and FOUR kids in tow when she met my Grandpa. They fell in love and he adopted all the kids and they spent over forty years happily married. Like my husband, he WAS AN EXCEPTIONAL MAN. They are out there, but you will need to throw YOUR hat in the ring like me and my Grandma did to find one.

Blessings to you and your son, and hopes of you finding the love you deserve.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:24 PM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

You aren't married. You don't have a marriage. You don't have a husband. Get that through your head and maybe you can move on?

If you don't want the government to recognize your marriage on paper, go see an attorney and do something about it.

Sign up on POF and see what men out there contact you. Stop worrying about who would want to be with you. Start doing something about it. I will bet my next paycheck you can find someone to connect emotionally and physically with. And probably within the next 30 days. But you have to start taking charge and making it happen.
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

GoC - I did start divorce proceedings back in April when I had a job. I can no longer afford to pay the lawyer especially since a divorce when one party lives overseas is very expensive. The lawyer said the best thing I can do at this point is sit back and let the clock run out on his answering the divorce summons. He has a year and it's been almost 8 months now. We've had him served at 3 different addresses and he hasn't responded to any of them. Of course I'm told that he can come back later and state that he never received any of them, forcing us to restart the whole process. Which I wouldn't put past him. He enjoys it, it's all a game to him. And I don't have the resources to fight him.

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