Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Finger Lakes NY
Long term separation, don't know how to move on
I was here several years ago as wild irish rose so a lot of my back story is there if you want to find it.
Basically, I met my husband in 1991 we were both college sophomores. We were also both on the rebound from previous relationships. Married in 1994 after he finished his Masters degree. Separated once in 2000 for 4 months after my first serious health crisis. Got back together, son was born in October of 2003. I had a second, more serious health crisis that left me on long term disability. My husband couldn't deal with an infant and an extremely ill wife and he walked out on Christmas Eve 2003. We split custody at first, trading off weeks. Within 6 months he had stopped taking the baby and simply came to visit on weekends. By 2007 my health was improving and we talked about moving back together as a family. Then his dad and his best friend died within 2 months of each other, and he disappeared. Didn't see him for several months. Then he started showing up on weekends again but all talk of getting back together stopped. He showed up less and less, and stopped visitation entirely in July of 2010. I later found out he'd been seeing someone else for several years and that he stopped his visitation with us after she got pregnant. Still, I didn't file for divorce because I needed his very good employer health insurance. I'm sure we can all agree that Medicaid sucks. Well, in 2012 I got signed up with a divorce mediator. He blew off the 2 meetings I arranged with her. Then she died and there wasn't another mediator locally and somehow we just let it go. I finally hired a lawyer this past April when I got the first decently paid job in years. But it's dragging out because my husband no longer lives in the US, he expatriated to Japan actually the year they had that huge tsunami. He's with a Japanese woman now so he's paying child support to me and to the ex-gf.
So that's the gist of the story of my marriage. But the marriage isn't the problem, the problem is the fact that I can't seem to move on. Part of it is that even though we have been separated for so long, it would still feel like adultery to me to get involved with someone else. Part of it is that my husband was both emotionally and verbally abusive to me when we were together and that combined with the abandonment has both destroyed my self esteem and my trust of men. Despite the fact that he has been with at least 3 women (that I know of) since our separation, I haven't dated once. I haven't had sex since my husband and I were considering reconciliation in 2007. Although I had boyfriends prior to him he is also the only man I've ever slept with. It's not that I don't want sex but I don't want it without commitment but I'm scared to death of commitment now. I've also got a couple of friends whose kids were sexually molested by their stepfathers/mother's boyfriends so that's a huge concern of mine as well, especially since my son is on the spectrum and I think something like that happening to him could destroy him. At the same time, I have to wonder how many guys would even want me - I'm almost 46 with serious health issues, a teenager on the spectrum, no job, can't drive anymore, and not particularly attractive. OTOH - I am extremely intelligent, a good mom, a good homemaker, compassionate, fun to be with (when I'm feeling good), and a fairly talented artist and musician. I enjoy going out and having fun when my body lets me. I also have a healthy libido and I would like to be able to enjoy a sex life with something other than romance novel and a little pink bunny, but only in a loving, committed relationship with a man who could accept my physical limitations. I just don't know how to move on to get to that place.