Long term separation, don't know how to move on - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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Long term separation, don't know how to move on

I was here several years ago as wild irish rose so a lot of my back story is there if you want to find it.

Basically, I met my husband in 1991 we were both college sophomores. We were also both on the rebound from previous relationships. Married in 1994 after he finished his Masters degree. Separated once in 2000 for 4 months after my first serious health crisis. Got back together, son was born in October of 2003. I had a second, more serious health crisis that left me on long term disability. My husband couldn't deal with an infant and an extremely ill wife and he walked out on Christmas Eve 2003. We split custody at first, trading off weeks. Within 6 months he had stopped taking the baby and simply came to visit on weekends. By 2007 my health was improving and we talked about moving back together as a family. Then his dad and his best friend died within 2 months of each other, and he disappeared. Didn't see him for several months. Then he started showing up on weekends again but all talk of getting back together stopped. He showed up less and less, and stopped visitation entirely in July of 2010. I later found out he'd been seeing someone else for several years and that he stopped his visitation with us after she got pregnant. Still, I didn't file for divorce because I needed his very good employer health insurance. I'm sure we can all agree that Medicaid sucks. Well, in 2012 I got signed up with a divorce mediator. He blew off the 2 meetings I arranged with her. Then she died and there wasn't another mediator locally and somehow we just let it go. I finally hired a lawyer this past April when I got the first decently paid job in years. But it's dragging out because my husband no longer lives in the US, he expatriated to Japan actually the year they had that huge tsunami. He's with a Japanese woman now so he's paying child support to me and to the ex-gf.

So that's the gist of the story of my marriage. But the marriage isn't the problem, the problem is the fact that I can't seem to move on. Part of it is that even though we have been separated for so long, it would still feel like adultery to me to get involved with someone else. Part of it is that my husband was both emotionally and verbally abusive to me when we were together and that combined with the abandonment has both destroyed my self esteem and my trust of men. Despite the fact that he has been with at least 3 women (that I know of) since our separation, I haven't dated once. I haven't had sex since my husband and I were considering reconciliation in 2007. Although I had boyfriends prior to him he is also the only man I've ever slept with. It's not that I don't want sex but I don't want it without commitment but I'm scared to death of commitment now. I've also got a couple of friends whose kids were sexually molested by their stepfathers/mother's boyfriends so that's a huge concern of mine as well, especially since my son is on the spectrum and I think something like that happening to him could destroy him. At the same time, I have to wonder how many guys would even want me - I'm almost 46 with serious health issues, a teenager on the spectrum, no job, can't drive anymore, and not particularly attractive. OTOH - I am extremely intelligent, a good mom, a good homemaker, compassionate, fun to be with (when I'm feeling good), and a fairly talented artist and musician. I enjoy going out and having fun when my body lets me. I also have a healthy libido and I would like to be able to enjoy a sex life with something other than romance novel and a little pink bunny, but only in a loving, committed relationship with a man who could accept my physical limitations. I just don't know how to move on to get to that place.

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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:20 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

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Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
I was here several years ago as wild irish rose so a lot of my back story is there if you want to find it.

Basically, I met my husband in 1991 we were both college sophomores. We were also both on the rebound from previous relationships. Married in 1994 after he finished his Masters degree. Separated once in 2000 for 4 months after my first serious health crisis. Got back together, son was born in October of 2003. I had a second, more serious health crisis that left me on long term disability. My husband couldn't deal with an infant and an extremely ill wife and he walked out on Christmas Eve 2003. We split custody at first, trading off weeks. Within 6 months he had stopped taking the baby and simply came to visit on weekends. By 2007 my health was improving and we talked about moving back together as a family. Then his dad and his best friend died within 2 months of each other, and he disappeared. Didn't see him for several months. Then he started showing up on weekends again but all talk of getting back together stopped. He showed up less and less, and stopped visitation entirely in July of 2010. I later found out he'd been seeing someone else for several years and that he stopped his visitation with us after she got pregnant. Still, I didn't file for divorce because I needed his very good employer health insurance. I'm sure we can all agree that Medicaid sucks. Well, in 2012 I got signed up with a divorce mediator. He blew off the 2 meetings I arranged with her. Then she died and there wasn't another mediator locally and somehow we just let it go. I finally hired a lawyer this past April when I got the first decently paid job in years. But it's dragging out because my husband no longer lives in the US, he expatriated to Japan actually the year they had that huge tsunami. He's with a Japanese woman now so he's paying child support to me and to the ex-gf.

So that's the gist of the story of my marriage. But the marriage isn't the problem, the problem is the fact that I can't seem to move on. Part of it is that even though we have been separated for so long, it would still feel like adultery to me to get involved with someone else. Part of it is that my husband was both emotionally and verbally abusive to me when we were together and that combined with the abandonment has both destroyed my self esteem and my trust of men. Despite the fact that he has been with at least 3 women (that I know of) since our separation, I haven't dated once. I haven't had sex since my husband and I were considering reconciliation in 2007. Although I had boyfriends prior to him he is also the only man I've ever slept with. It's not that I don't want sex but I don't want it without commitment but I'm scared to death of commitment now. I've also got a couple of friends whose kids were sexually molested by their stepfathers/mother's boyfriends so that's a huge concern of mine as well, especially since my son is on the spectrum and I think something like that happening to him could destroy him. At the same time, I have to wonder how many guys would even want me - I'm almost 46 with serious health issues, a teenager on the spectrum, no job, can't drive anymore, and not particularly attractive. OTOH - I am extremely intelligent, a good mom, a good homemaker, compassionate, fun to be with (when I'm feeling good), and a fairly talented artist and musician. I enjoy going out and having fun when my body lets me. I also have a healthy libido and I would like to be able to enjoy a sex life with something other than romance novel and a little pink bunny, but only in a loving, committed relationship with a man who could accept my physical limitations. I just don't know how to move on to get to that place.
Can you learn to be happy alone?

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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:32 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

I recall you as Irish Rose, i recall some of what you wrote about your life and some of your hardship...i do hope that your health improves or at least does not hinder you from enjoy it...but i sense in your post that you might be suffering from paralysis not of body but of the mind.....over time you created a linking process that is seems to equate love with abandonment and cruelty. Your self-esteem/self worth damaged in the process....this is where i would advise you to look at deconstruction thinking....break it all down and start asking the yourself....how do i define love? what makes a good spouse or SO, you have to unlearn, and then relearn...think of your brain as having gone through a stroke, and suddenly everything you knew how to do, you have to relearn, how to use a spoon, how take a bath...well emotionally i think you need to examine everything from the ground up...it is not easy because we become a creature of habit and rely on misbeliefs....i may be off base but it might be worth looking into it with a therapist.
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:33 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

What happened to the decent paying job you just had?
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

I don't know. Once my parents are gone I will be completely alone as my son has already stated that as soon as he's 18 he's gone. I really don't want to be completely alone. I don't have a lot of close friends as I don't leave the house much due to anxiety issues. Also my love language is physical touch and sometimes I think I'll go crazy if I can't find someone to give it to me even if not in a sexual form. My parents are NOT physically affectionate people nor is my son in fact he shies away from affection of all types which is normal for Aspergers. I also just really want someone I can do things with. Most of my female friends are too busy with their own families to be able to do the kinds of things that I would like to do and my parents aren't healthy enough to do much anymore.
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:43 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

Are you depressed?

Sounds like you need a therapist, some drugs, and some friends. Get out there and have fun. Life is only what you make it. So go make it a great one.

I got laid the first night after I separated from my ex wife. Amazing what you can find on POF. I was in a 100% sexless marriage for previous 4 years, so I wasn't wasting another day!
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

I had to give up my job because I had another cardiac event 2 months ago. My dr won't clear me to go back to work and my employer can't hold the position for me because it's a critical management level position.

I also wanted to say that if my life continues the way it is I'll probably go into assisted living as soon as my parents are gone. I can't imagine taking care of day to day needs on my own with my ongoing health issues.
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

I can't take anti depressants because of my heart condition. And I can't go out because I can't drive anymore. They pull your license when the dr tells them you are high risk for sudden cardiac arrest. Which has happened to me 3 times since 2003. I don't go anywhere unless a family member takes me. We have no public transportation where we live. Heck we don't even have neighbors for almost a mile in every direction (dairy and wine country here).

So I basically go shopping and I go to church, both with my parents. No single guys my age at church. My son doesn't do extra curricular stuff at school because he's very anti social. So I don't hang out with other parents. Most of them are a lot younger than me anyway since I was almost 34 when son was born.

My life basically sucks. And my husband has a great life which just makes it that much worse. He won't help me at all he's actually told me he wishes we would both drop dead so he wouldn't have to support us anymore. And now that he's in Japan we have no contact with him at all. He doesn't even send the support checks - his mother does.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:00 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

A long time ago I read a religious magazine and it said that if you were in love and you went through a heartbreaking situation and to talk about it with friends and with time the memory would fade but if that didn't happen it said to seek psychiatric help because if you can't get over it it's an obsession.

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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:03 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

Maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and read books about people who have truly suffered maybe because they live in war-torn countries and they've seen horrible massacres for example I had a friend who found his friend's body cut in half I had another friend that was walking to school and she saw a head laying on the floor maybe you need to stop your self-pity and be grateful for what you have

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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:08 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

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Maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and read books about people who have truly suffered maybe because they live in war-torn countries and they've seen horrible massacres for example I had a friend who found his friend's body cut in half I had another friend that was walking to school and she saw a head laying on the floor maybe you need to stop your self-pity and be grateful for what you have

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You're not helping
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:15 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

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You're not helping
Obsessing over your past is not helping you either.

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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

That's a little harsh. Don't you think nearly dying 3 times between the ages of 30 and 45 are pretty hard things to live with? I have days when I'm so sick I can't get out of bed. I spend more time in the ER in a year than most people do in their lives. My husband kicked me in the head and stomach and left me on the floor to die the first time I went into cardiac arrest while my 2 month old baby was 10 feet away screaming. My younger brother was killed by a drunk driver just 2 years ago. Ever watch someone die who has had almost every bone in their body crushed because a tractor trailer landed on top of their car? We had to watch him suffer and die over the course of the worst 2 months of my life. I wouldn't wish a similar fate on my worst enemy.
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

We've all suffered at some point of our lives not just you but we have to move forward.

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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:30 AM
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Re: Long term separation, don't know how to move on

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he's actually told me he wishes we would both drop dead so he wouldn't have to support us anymore.


This "man" is beyond evil. The day he assumes room temperature he has a special place in hell waiting for him.
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